snowjade Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 Hi all, I've been here for a long time without any posting... So I just try to sum up my problem. I'm involved with a girl who I know since several years. She had an A with a selfish MM, who was emotional unavailable and didn't commit to her. It was ended in 2011 by her. Since more than a year we're together. She still seems not to be over her exMM, because he is one of those few people in her life to which she can talk about. This A evolved out of a friendship with the MM. My girl has also a bad relationship with her mother which is fortunately living far away. Almost every time she phones her it ends badly, e.g.hanging up without actually ending the conversation. I know, she still has limited contact with him, which bothers me. She doesn't want to go to NC even if she knows it's hurting me. It seems she still wants some validation from her exMM. But why does she want validation from a cockroach? Our relationship has those things she always wanted. I'm committed to her. I don't hurt her like the exMM. But in the past she learned, love is linked to pain. Only if you experience pain, you are in love. I don't think that's a good trait. What do you think of this situation? snowjade
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 Hi all, I've been here for a long time without any posting... So I just try to sum up my problem. I'm involved with a girl who I know since several years. She had an A with a selfish MM, who was emotional unavailable and didn't commit to her. It was ended in 2011 by her. Since more than a year we're together. She still seems not to be over her exMM, because he is one of those few people in her life to which she can talk about. This A evolved out of a friendship with the MM. My girl has also a bad relationship with her mother which is fortunately living far away. Almost every time she phones her it ends badly, e.g.hanging up without actually ending the conversation. I know, she still has limited contact with him, which bothers me. She doesn't want to go to NC even if she knows it's hurting me. It seems she still wants some validation from her exMM. But why does she want validation from a cockroach? Our relationship has those things she always wanted. I'm committed to her. I don't hurt her like the exMM. But in the past she learned, love is linked to pain. Only if you experience pain, you are in love. I don't think that's a good trait. What do you think of this situation? snowjade Sorry to say, but your relationship does not have what she needs or wants. What she still clearly wants is a commitment from her MM. That's why she continues to reach out to him after breaking up when he repeatedly refused to give her that and still won't. Rather than contemptuously calling him a cockroach, which is counterproductive and will get you nowhere, learn to walk away from a hopeless situation. All you have done for a year is to assure her that she is indeed appealing to men and a great catch worth committing to despite the fact that her MM refuses to do just that with her. Since you're so eager to be with her despite her loyalties overtly lying elsewhere, she probably hopes her MM might eventually see the light too. Look, she is comfortable jeopardizing your relationship and repeatedly hurting your feelings to keep him in her life in case he ever comes around to wanting her that way. He doesn't. You, not he, will be the ultimate loser in this triangle. Please learn to walk away from a losing proposition rather than fighting to convince someone that you are better and offer more than the person she really wants. Accept what her behavior and choices are telling you. Unfortunately for you, a small piece of him is more valuable to her than all of you. He obviously gives her something that you can't...something that was so valuable to her, it was worth the pain of playing second fiddle in his life. Something well worth risking your commitment even when he won't give her what she wants and needs from him. She will eventually go back to him on his terms or find someone to give her what he gave her that is missing with you. Either way, you will lose. Please understand and accept that and have enough self-respect to walk away. If you can't, you're self-esteem and self-worth will eventually land in the toilet. No doubt you have a lot to offer. Please focus on finding someone who sees that and can appreciate you for all that you are.
CarrieT Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 No doubt you have a lot to offer. Please focus on finding someone who sees that and can appreciate you for all that you are. ^^^ THIS ^^^ OP, you are trying to "fix" your girlfriend because she has a troubled past and bad relationships. It won't work. She has to want to do that herself by distancing herself from the exMM. If she doesn't want to do it, you can't make her. In the meantime, you are being the Knight In Shining Armor and it will never work. Best suggestion = move on from the relationship. You might be the best thing going for her, but she doesn't see it and unless/until she does, you are just spinning your wheels and it can only end badly.
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