Is this it?

[waterwoman]

So here we are.

 

Dust has settled. Affair over since June last year. NC (as much as possible since they work in the same school) in place. OW is now pregnant from her STBXH and H isn't bothered about that.

 

Been to MC - it helped. I've had IC - it helped.

 

We have exposed the bare bones of our marriage. They are good strong bones - in that we care about each other, love each other and have a lot of history and memories to share.

 

But......now what? I am left with this feeling of 'is this it'? Been through the fire, come out a bit charred but still in once piece, so where are the cheering crowds, the champagne and medals? Why do I feel so

short-changed? Things are more or less the same as before.

 

Reading on here made me realise just how many issues H has. Crap childhood, parents has a disastrous divorce, absent (very) father. H never really dealt with the fallout from this or from his fathers' death. He should do, but he won't. He thinks he's dealt with it. But he is still so distant - can't cope with my feelings. I have to paint a smile on my face and be jolly before he seems happy in my presence. he wasn't like this when we were first together. I'd bet any money he wasn't like this with OW. Perhaps he needs the 'in love' feeling to make an emotional effort.

He's been like this for years and I just didn't really appreciate it or articulate it. But here's the thing - I don't like it! I don't want a husband that can't support me when I am sad. I don't want a husband that gets impatient when I am not the life and soul.

 

We have a lot to celebrate. We have a lot to want to preserve. But how to get past this ?

[NotCamelot]

The only thing I can say is what is working for me.

 

Find new things to do together. It does not have be outside the home either. Create a new life based on today.

 

Try to go back to what brought you together to begin with. Rekindle the old flame or create a new one. There is a reason you two married in the first place. Try very hard to get back to that.

 

What are the things you really love about him? Concentrate and build on those things.

 

The best thing and also the hardest thing to do: LET GO OF THE PAST. It is hard, very hard. We cannot see the future if we are always looking back.

[ComingInHot]

WaterWoman,

I completely understand. It's this constant pressure to always be "on" for H. He bases his mood or state of being on whether or not I'M happy or smiling or "in a good place", then responds in kind. Fact is, I'm not always in a great, wonderful mood. Sometimes I'm tired, or worn, or sad, or overwhelmed w/work & responsibilities.I'm generally "happy" but not always "on" for H's desire to himself be "good".

 

I have questioned if it could be the basic fact that he simply doesn't "like" me. But I realize that isn't the case. It's him basing his state of being on my state of being.

It can be exhausting!

What he is doing (slowly) is addressing his issues and learning how to deal w/them to be his own "on" person.

[NotCamelot]

It's him basing his state of being on my state of being.

 

Don't intend to threadjack, but wanted to respond to this comment.

 

I actually have that issue, but in reverse. In that same situation you describe, I am the H that bases feelings on what I see in my W at the moment.

 

I can tell you what is happening. When my W is not "up", I immediately wonder that she is not happy with me.....or if she is wishing or thinking about her former AP. It happened (the A) once, could it happen again? So, if I think she is not happy at that moment, is it because of me? Of course not. It is the things you mention. But that is exactly why my mood is determined by hers. And I am working hard to fix that.

 

I hope that explains what you are seeing.

 

Now, back to your regularly schedlued programming!

[BetrayedH]

I think this is why many say the second year is harder than the first. The dust settles, the routine returns, the hysterical bonding has ended, the wayward spouse relaxes the constant apologies, and you haven't forgotten.

 

Your situation is a slight variation but rest assured, you're on a normal path. If anything, I would probably think it's a good thing that your husband is still sensitive to you; many waywards just plain get over it way before the BS.

[Spark1111]

Year two for me was the anger and resentment phase and quite honestly, I still had a suitcase packed.

 

You have preserved what was good and now comes the task of making it better, new different.

 

You have to find an avenue to have more fun together, whatever that may be.

 

Form a list of all you would like to do and see and start doing it, either with or without him.

 

If you were dating, not married, what would be some of the dates you'd like to go on? What would be fun?

 

Hard work, but it is time to recreate new experiences and new memories.

[whichwayisup]

So here we are.

 

Dust has settled. Affair over since June last year. NC (as much as possible since they work in the same school) in place. OW is now pregnant from her STBXH and H isn't bothered about that.

 

Been to MC - it helped. I've had IC - it helped.

 

We have exposed the bare bones of our marriage. They are good strong bones - in that we care about each other, love each other and have a lot of history and memories to share.

 

But......now what? I am left with this feeling of 'is this it'? Been through the fire, come out a bit charred but still in once piece, so where are the cheering crowds, the champagne and medals? Why do I feel so

short-changed? Things are more or less the same as before.

 

Reading on here made me realise just how many issues H has. Crap childhood, parents has a disastrous divorce, absent (very) father. H never really dealt with the fallout from this or from his fathers' death. He should do, but he won't. He thinks he's dealt with it. But he is still so distant - can't cope with my feelings. I have to paint a smile on my face and be jolly before he seems happy in my presence. he wasn't like this when we were first together. I'd bet any money he wasn't like this with OW. Perhaps he needs the 'in love' feeling to make an emotional effort.

He's been like this for years and I just didn't really appreciate it or articulate it. But here's the thing - I don't like it! I don't want a husband that can't support me when I am sad. I don't want a husband that gets impatient when I am not the life and soul.

 

We have a lot to celebrate. We have a lot to want to preserve. But how to get past this ?

 

You need to tell your husband exactly what you've said here, above. it's honest and it's how you feel.

[leonine]

Hi waterwoman. As to feeling like you have to be happy in order for your husband to be happy, is it possible that he's mirroring because he feels insecure? I know that I have that issue sometimes when my BH is upset, even when it has nothing to do with me. I just feel so guilty about everything. What helps for us is if he's down for some reason and it's not about me or the A, he'll tell me that and reassure me that he loves me. That then puts me in a better place to support him with whatever it is that's bothering him. If he is upset about the A, then he'll let me know and we'll talk about it, and usually we'll both feel better after discussing it.

 

The problem lies in when he's upset about something and I think it has to do with me, but he won't talk about it. He has some of the same insecurities that NotCamelot mentioned regarding if I'll leave if I'm not happy. It can become a bad spiral down if we don't talk it out, even though rationally I know that not everything is about me and rationally he knows that I'm not one bad day away from leaving him.

 

I agree with wwiu - you should discuss this with your husband. Nothing will change if you don't and he should know how you feel.

[Spark1111]

Hi waterwoman. As to feeling like you have to be happy in order for your husband to be happy, is it possible that he's mirroring because he feels insecure? I know that I have that issue sometimes when my BH is upset, even when it has nothing to do with me. I just feel so guilty about everything. What helps for us is if he's down for some reason and it's not about me or the A, he'll tell me that and reassure me that he loves me. That then puts me in a better place to support him with whatever it is that's bothering him. If he is upset about the A, then he'll let me know and we'll talk about it, and usually we'll both feel better after discussing it.

 

The problem lies in when he's upset about something and I think it has to do with me, but he won't talk about it. He has some of the same insecurities that NotCamelot mentioned regarding if I'll leave if I'm not happy. It can become a bad spiral down if we don't talk it out, even though rationally I know that not everything is about me and rationally he knows that I'm not one bad day away from leaving him.

 

I agree with wwiu - you should discuss this with your husband. Nothing will change if you don't and he should know how you feel.

 

my H still reacts this way, and I am so over it all and have been for quite awhile.

 

I wish he was too, but he isn't, and I have to live with this insecurity, always reassuring him that I am fine, we are fine, it is all good....and it is!

 

maybe this is the one part of the process that takes the WS longer to wade through.

 

or maybe, in my weaker moments, I think this is the very insecurity that led to all of our problems in the first place: Someone smiling at you thinking you were sooo wonderful.

 

reconciliation is NOT for the weak.

[leonine]

my H still reacts this way, and I am so over it all and have been for quite awhile.

 

I wish he was too, but he isn't, and I have to live with this insecurity, always reassuring him that I am fine, we are fine, it is all good....and it is!

 

maybe this is the one part of the process that takes the WS longer to wade through.

 

or maybe, in my weaker moments, I think this is the very insecurity that led to all of our problems in the first place: Someone smiling at you thinking you were sooo wonderful.

 

Believe me when I say that no one is more over it than me. I was never this way before the affair - neither one of us were insecure people at all actually. It's gradually getting better though, so I'm hopeful that in time it will just be a memory for both of us. We're still only about a year from d-day.

 

reconciliation is NOT for the weak.

 

You said it.

[waterwoman]

Thanks for your replies. They were reassuring and its so good (yet again) to realise you've all been here or thereabouts.

 

My main issue is wondering if it was the right thing to reconcile. I wonder if I was scared into reconciling by fear of loss. And did h feel obliged to by guilt? Are we fighting to fix something that isn't worth fixing?

 

Hey ho.... onwards and upwards.

[waterwoman]

Had a bit of a set to this morning. He's been distant again - loving in his way but a bit distant. He says it's because he is ill. Maybe it is. But he has to learn that if he acts that way I will probably misinterpret it. And be upset. I can't help it. He needs to make the effort - I can't anymore.

 

I actually made him cry. First time in all this. I told him that he was my best friend and he hurt me so much I don't think he can ever be that again. It's true. I don't have many 'friends' - I can count them on the fingers of one hand. I have many aquaintances, I find it easy to get on with people, but friends are very different and require hard work and emotional investment. And I didn't need many before because I had H.

 

We were so secure in each other we didn't need to be with each other all the time. Now I feel insecure when I am away from him too long. I HATE that.

 

I don't know. I honestly feel like chucking it all in. Or running away and hisding in a corner until the world goes away

[Oberfeldwebel]

I hate tell you this, but you have not cured this patient, you have merely stopped the bleeding. All the wounds are still there, and still need to heal. There is no way that you go through such an event in life without being affected. The question is what do you to do now. If you do nothing, these wounds will only fester and cause more misery. These wounds need to be carefully tended to before gangrene sets in them. I don't know whether you and H can do this without professional help, but you must tend to the wounds.

 

You need to sit down and figure out a treatment plan and then present it to your husband. You have to impress upon him the need for action on both of your parts. You have to collectively decide to treat this patient or you slowly watch it die.

[waterwoman]

Problem is my doctor recently agreed to reduce my depression meds to counter the loss of libido and weight gain, so it could well be that I am not entirely rational as I adjust. It's such a bloody mess.

[Steadfast]

Problem is my doctor recently agreed to reduce my depression meds to counter the loss of libido and weight gain, so it could well be that I am not entirely rational as I adjust. It's such a bloody mess.

 

My take:

 

1) Trying to be sensitive to the needs of others, I'm totally against the use of meds for depression, anxiety, anger...any seemingly 'overwhelming' emotion. Numbing the brain doesn't address the problem, and the problem awaits when the meds begin to introduce their own. Like you said; a mess.

 

2) 'Traditional' therapy digs into a person's background to discover why they made the decisions they did. Problem is, you can't go back in time to either rewrite your past OR make the decisions over. Truth is, we've all experienced things that influence us to act irrationally. Some more than others. How many times must we revisit the past to learn it hasn't changed?

 

Unpleasant, pain is a natural reaction that tells us something is wrong. Both physically and emotionally it's necessary and needed, yet, people are so afraid of it they'll do anything to make it go away. I'm am not a holistic zealot (I take aspirin...and smoked like a chimney after my D-Day) but I do believe healing is something we're all capable of, by allowing ourselves to put our minds and bodies to the problem. Facing it, not dulling it.

 

Bottom line: We are where we are right now. Healing comes from identifying issues and doing what is needed to correct them. Moving forward and learning. Not looking back and complaining. The mind and body are amazing devices. Be patient and let them work through it!

 

I can't advise on the recon. Beyond 'my experiences' I view infidelity as a one drop stop. I'm not a defeatist, but it is simply impossible to restore the innocence of your marriage after it has been exposed to this. I still believe marriage can be made stronger by enduring trials, but not if you healed it 'just enough' to return to where you were pre-affair. It's your husband's job, as the cheater, to prove himself to you through actions that he's learned from his poor decisions. Words are meaningless. Only time will tell if he is sincere. Frankly? I'd kick his distant and moody ass right to the kerb and set my gaze on a life not burdened by worry and wondering.

 

Good replies here, as usual.

[waterwoman]

Thanks steadfast.

 

I have been a depressive since my late teens - I am 48 now. It got worst and I was treated for it only after my second child was born. So not a reaction to this, or any other specific situation.

[katielee]

waterwoman - I hear ya. here we are, nothing is going on...we're in MC and both in IC. So, this is the marriage we have? we had a good marriage before. Now, it's just with the sting of infidelity thrown in there..... nice.