Cliche cold feet boy. What to do?

[yellowrose]

The guy I've been seeing was a ballsy one night stand at first.

 

I was at a party about a month ago, met him, we hit it off. I wasn't in any frame of mind to be jumping into dating anyone, but found myself very attracted to him. So after a couple of hours, I looked at him and asked him if he wanted to head back to my home a couple of blocks away for some "fun". We laughed all the way there, then laughed the rest of the night in bed. The next morning we had a long breakfast and sat visiting until about 1:30 in the afternoon.

 

I *really* didn't see this going anywhere. I'd been married for 6 years and again, was not looking for a boyfriend, but was into making a huge jump out of character. It was fun, light hearted, and happy.

 

But then a couple of days later, he called and said he wanted to see me again soon. That Wednesday he came over for dinner, then we ended up in bed again. Still, thinking "Oh this is just a harmless fling. No big deal. I was married to a real jerk for 6 years. I deserve to cut loose and have a little fun."

 

Then we spent the weekend together. But now it's getting more loveydovey. More cuddling, laying around the house watching tv, visiting, drinking coffee, chatting about going camping in the fall.

 

He took me to a birthday party for a friend of his. Introduced me to all his friends there. He seemed really happy to be there with me. Kissing my cheek and lips in the crowd, holding my hand, not hiding anything. Later that night, he was very affectionate and told me that he wanted to get closer, but was scared. I told him not to worry, I am really digging him too and we can just go really slow. I said, "Don't worry! It's good. We can make this whatever we want it to be. Whatever works for us."

 

Then last Wednesday he came over, we went out for a while with some of my friends, then came back and were all over each other. This time the sex was really different. He was very loving, very affectionate, and pretty emotional. Much more lovemaking then animalistic like it had been before. I tried to be comforting, and was pretty touched that he was being so sweet. The next morning I was a little late to work because we sat and had morning coffee and visited. We can talk like that for really long spans of time. Just about everything. Stories from when we were kids, stories about our siblings, stuff we want to do and see, things we like about each other. It just comes so easily.

 

Then nothing. Complete radio silence for almost a week.

 

So I sent him a note this morning that said, "Hey darlin'. Well, I'm not usually one to jump to conclusions, but history tells me that when a week goes by and a guy doesn't return your calls that it means he's decided to snip things off. I'm pretty bummed and semi-confused. But if that's what you need, then I respect it. I only wish we had an actual conversation instead of the incommunicado freeze out. I was really liking everything. Really. Take care sweetie."

 

By the time I got to work, I had this e-mail sitting in my in-box.

 

"hey there, sorry for the non-communication, my phone is getting worse, plus ive' been really busy. but that's no excuse, sorry. i too have been having a wonderful time, last week was great, but i'm still very hesitant and scared to be in a relationship, no matter what the "ground rules" are. i like you a lot and think you're a very exciting person, and sorry if this is jumping the gun a bit, but i'm not sure that i could ever be in love with you, or anyone for that matter. i've got a lot of stupid **** to work out. i'm not sure what the right thing to do is at this point, maybe just friends? i don't know. any suggestions?"

 

 

 

What do I do? This guy really snuck up on me. I didn't think such a random encounter would yeild a guy who I got along with so well, had so much in common with, and had such fantastic chemistry with. He's so easy to be around and he tells me the same thing. It's just relaxed. No pressure on either side, lots of joking around, lots of laughter.

 

In short, I didn't plan on falling with someone, but it's begun and think he's freaking out. Here's the kicker- HE is the one who all of a sudden became very nuzzly and kissy. Not me! I've kept my distance, but have still be very engaged with his presence when he's around.

 

 

Is this just cold feet? Do I just give him space and he'll level off? It's been so long since I dated anyone, and have sort of accidentally found myself with someone who I'm hoping will turn into something real. I don't know what to do!

 

I'm just hoping that it's not a lost cause because it started as a one night stand.

 

One last thing, I'm 33 (will be 34 next month) and he's 28. He's never been married or lived with anyone.

 

Thanks for any advice!

-Yr

[yellowrose]

One last detail that may be important: His last relationship lasted a year and ended this past April.

 

:::shrug:::

 

Anything that can help give me some clear direction for insight.

[RedSkiGirl9]

Hi, well, he may still really like you...but the "just friends" thing sort of threw me off. I'd suggest not calling him, writing him, or seeing him for awhile. If he asks you out, make sure it's at least 3 days in advance and that you don't have sex with him. Let him pursue you and continue to do the pursuing, even though it is extremely hard not to pursue someone you fell for (doesn't it always happen accidentally?).

 

Purchase the book called, "The Rules" and there you will find some wonderful advice.

 

RED

[NatoPMT]

Id forget the fact it was him that moved things up a notch, it doesnt do any good to apportion blame as it just leads to resentment and thats no good for you - just accept thats how the sequence of events lead and whatever the outcome, you will be fine.

 

I think your note was perfect, and the fact you left it a week but were still warm and non judgmental.

 

On his reply - the key is that hes scared. You need to get to the bottom of why hes scared - but the outcome, whether its fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of being able to live up to what he thinks he should be as a partner, fear of what he thinks you expect him to be as a partner, all amounts to the same thing, committment-phobia. The fact he disappeared when its started to move up a notch is in a bizarre way a compliment, by his reckoning, its so good he may have to actually commit to you, which is what hes not capable of at the moment. Id had a similar situation and i made a point of gently addressing the fear, explaining he wasnt trapped, he could go whenever he wanted, i didnt want anything off him, i could make myself happy but he made things better, we would take it slow so he had total trust in me not to hurt him, that i didnt want to change him or take away his autonomy. Its worked for me, but my case wasnt as extreme as yours, he didnt actually disappear on me. You have to show that the ground rules work and that you are adult enough to stick to them and not throw anything back in his face. He will bolt at the first sign of this going wrong if you lay those ground rules, he'll use it as an excuse. You have to accept who he is effectively.

 

You have to take things slow for your own sake as well - dont let him lead you anywhere too fast which is whats happened in you saying that HE pushed this to another level, become friends and take it as slow as the slower partner needs, but dont have any expectations of him, and you may not get anywhere, just go into it with your eyes open if you are prepared to deal with this - not many would be. If you are determined to see him and make a go of it, remind him you are now scared of being hurt as he's already bolted once - whats he got to be scared of? you've been as good as gold.

 

BB

[yellowrose]

Bb- Your advice really struck a chord. It was very intelligent and insightful. Thank you.

And Red- You're right, these "rules" are things I haven't had to think about in such a long time. I need to bone up on dating regulations. It's been a while.

 

 

As for the issue of him taking it to the next level, I wasn't trying to blame, only saying that I was happily following him there. Following his lead, so why is he the one who's freaking out? I know, I know... fear is self-imposed and all. I get myself into situations that scare me sometimes.

 

I also wonder if me being so "I'm only in this for fun, you're awesome and I enjoy your company but I don't want to get attached" came back to bite me in the butt. That's absolutely how I understood things to be in the beginning, but now I'm willing to follow him into a deeper relationship if he wants to lead me there. I wonder if since he's feeling something, he now assumes I'm still in "no way" land, and doesn't trust that he can let himself go soft and I'll follow.

 

Because I would.

 

 

So for now I'll just sit quietly, try not to bother him, go out and casually date (NOT sleep with) guys I like, and hope he'll feel better about things soon. I suppose that's all I can do.

 

Sigh.

[yellowrose]

Ok. I just sent off my last note to him, following the message that BB put out there. We'll see what happens.

 

Ok. I just wanted to be a little more open-hearted and honest about a few

things.

 

On a fundamental level, I really don't want to get into a relationship

with anyone. The thought of that terrifies me. I just got beat to a pulp.

My marriage was very bad, lasted way too long, the divorce has been

abusive and horrible, and my trust is at an all-time low. That's why I

thought you were good for me. Keep it light. If I don't expect anything

from anyone, then I can't be let down, right?

 

I don't know exactly why you're scared, I'd love to hear why if you'll

share that with me. If it's for the same reasons I'm scared, I get it. I'm

scared because I don't want to get hurt, I don't want to let anyone down,

I don't want to lose my autonomy, I don't want to lose who I am, I don't

want anyone to take anything from me that they aren't prepared to give

back, I don't want to be lied to, I don't want to be tossed aside.

 

I can make myself happy and I can take care of myself. But your presence

enhances my happiness. You add to it. I don't need anything from you,

but I really enjoy you being around. Just you, as you are. It's very good.

You're not trapped. You can go whenever you want. I don't want you to do

anything that you don't want to do.

 

I didn't expect for us to get along so well. It makes me really sad to

think that I'm missing out on laying around on the couch trading stories

with you over coffee. You are fantastic company.

 

I understand that you're scared, but it's not like I would ever have done

anything to hurt you.

 

So what do we do? Clearly we enjoy each other's company, the sex is

fabulous, we're attracted to each other, we're having fun, it's apparent

that it's not a one night stand where we never see each other again and to

pretend that it is is just silly. There's nothing bad about us spending

time together as things are right now, so what do we do? We can pretend

that it's not a "relationship", or that we're just "dating". Dating

without commitment? Is that possible? I mean, I think I can do it, but can

you? I just don't know. All I know is that it's pretty stupid to throw

something good out the window just because of what it *might* lead to. We

can't predict the future. You may decide that you hate the fact that I

disdain dishes. I may decide that I can't live with some trait of yours.

That could happen with anyone.

 

I *do* know that the "just friends" thing doesn't work after discovering

that you can be so animalistically attracted to each other. But hey, if

you want to give it a try, then have at it. If you fail, that's fine by

me. ::grin::

 

Why don't you come by after work for a drink? -Or meet me at the Skylark.

I don't want to get into anything heavy and this is just not really cool

to be doing over e-mail. E-mail makes things sound so much more serious

and dark. Ick. It's impossible to take a good-natured jab at someone with

a wink and smile through e-mail. I went back and re-read what I wrote

yesterday. It sounded so brash, not all the lighthearted way I meant it.

That's e-mail. It sucks for stuff like this.

 

In the meantime, I'll busy myself and keep my fingers crossed.

[NatoPMT]

Hi YellowRose – has he got back to you? My worry for you is that this isnt light-hearted for you so I hope you don’t get further down the line and realise he’s not going to change his opinion. That could happen because he either can’t change as he’s too deep into CP – I have read that there’s little that can be done for CP counselling-wise, so he cant extradite himself from it, or that he picks up on whatever level that you want the commitment he’s scared of giving.

 

There’s a few LS threads worth reading:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t22246/

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t41854/

 

And try http://commitment-phobia.com/bookexcerpt.html

 

And google search ‘fear of commitment’ & ‘commitment phobia’ – there’s a ton of stuff to read on it

 

They may give you an insight into the person you are dealing with and what you may have to deal with in future.

 

In your note, you’ve pointed out the absurdity of the situation without saying ‘this is absurd’.

You’ve said pretty much along the lines of my discussion – the difference being I said it not wrote it because of course I wasn’t dealing with a disappearing act. He’d never told me he just wanted to be friends, I sensed it could go that way if I applied any pressure at all. I didn’t really feel the being cool thing but I knew I could deal with it and that the end result would be worth it, however, I also knew that there was no question at that stage of us splitting up where here you have actually already split up – he’s asking for friendship and suggestions of what to do. You’ve provided the solution so if he doesn’t stop getting so hot under the collar he’s too far gone and you need to protect yourself and walk away.

 

Hope you are feeling ok

 

BB

[yellowrose]

Hi BB-

 

I got this note from him night before last:

 

hey,

yeah, i'm a big dork and a little kid. i warned ya.

the reasons you gave for not wanting

to be in a relationship are basically

similar to mine, but i think the biggest

for me are the fear of letting the other

down and loss of autonomy. so i guess the

phone call situation sort of spooked me. [*me telling him that I didn't want a week to go by with no word from him at all]

i'm not one to keep in frequent communication

with people, not even my friends(i hardly ever

answer my phone when it rings).

 

i'd like to continue with this laid

back, hang out once a week sort of thing.

it might be another week though. i'm busy

with band stuff tonight and thursday night;

going to louisville on friday for the weekend.

i'm going to try to get a new phone tomorrow.

i saw that you called earlier, but couldn't

answer it. my phone's ****ing up more often.

i'll call you when i get it all sichtiated.

til then email's all i gots.

 

He works a couple of blocks from my home, so yesterday when I had to go up towards the neighborhood where he lives to pick up a motorcycle, I asked if he wouldn't mind giving me a ride up there. He immediately obliged, then when he came to my door and saw me he was all smiles. He appologized for any of the confusion, promised that he wasn't "freaking out" and was back to his old self.

 

Of course, I wouldn't want to hang my hat on any of this yet. I let him off pretty easy with a kiss on the cheek and a smiling but stern look. I told him that he should just talk to me if he's feeling weird, that I'm very reasonable. But that for the time being I am going to continue to date other people and not treat this as an exclusive relationship. That's the only smart thing to do right now, I believe. And I have a date tonight! Whee!

 

I just need to back off a bit, let him sort this through for himself, continue to be a positive friend and lover, and make sure I'm happy first and not worry about trying to fix him.

 

Oh, that is just so easy to say, isn't it?

 

I'll keep you up to date. For now I think it's ok. We'll see how things shake out in the next week.

 

xoxoxo-

Yr

[yellowrose]

Since he pulled the cold feet thing, I decided to go ahead and keep dating. He had to go out of town this past weekend and called me twice. Once was a total drunk-dial. He was out with his friends and about 2am called mumbling about how he missed me.

 

Ehh, that's kind of cute I guess.

 

Then yesterday evening he called and we talked for quite a while. He was in a great mood, very happy and joking around, but then very sweet as well. He said he can't wait to get back home and that he really misses me. I copped to that as well.

 

a) The lack of pressure worked well.

b) The reassurance worked well.

c) The theory that no one wants to eat at a restaurant with an empty parking lot worked well.

d) The general happy attitude worked well.

 

I'm a lot more hopeful now than I was before.

[NatoPMT]

Hi Yellowrose

 

c) The theory that no one wants to eat at a restaurant with an empty parking lot worked well.

 

That made me laugh that did.

 

Glad you are feeling a lot better, you’ve done good. AND you have managed to get to the bottom of why he’s CP. You’ve got through to him that you actually understand him, he’s registered that straight off – that’s a one in a million girl who actually gets the pressures he’s feeling.

 

I don’t know any of what I am about to write is for sure, its just my take on it – I hope if any other LS’ers know better they will correct me. The fear of letting people down I think can be addressed – I think its caused by being made to feel that a whole past relationship’s success was dependant on what he did, how he acted, and if it failed, it was his fault. People often make their SO’s responsible for things that go wrong that are just basic incompatibilities that are no-ones fault. Or made responsible for MAKING someone happy, forgetting its your responsibility to make yourself happy, and if your SO doesn’t help that happiness, its your responsibility to leave and make your happiness elsewhere. Men through their whole lives are conditioned to support, emotionally and financially their SO & children, they have responsibilities, and the pressure of having someone else’s life in your hands is huge. On top of that, being told ‘if you were this way, or if you did this, I’d be happy’ by their gf/wife adds to and confirms that responsibility.

 

The loss of autonomy I am not so sure about. Maybe this fear comes with the rest of the package, triggered by other aspects of CP, or it stems from other roots I don’t understand. I hope someone else can enlighten us both with that one. I do think/hope that this fear will ease if the rest of the factors fit into place.

 

Re: the non-exclusive dating thing. Be honest which you are already doing, I don’t really agree with multiple dating myself, maybe because I am English and my stiff upper lip won’t allow it. My concern with it is that if you have issues to deal with then plastering over the cracks by dating someone else only patches things up temporarily. Plus, would cold feet boy immediately bracket you as a ‘non-girlfriend’ as you are still dating other fellas and would feel its not ‘perfect’ from the offing? No idea.

 

And just to mention again, don’t have any expectations of him and if you aren’t feeling strong enough to go through a relationship with a CP’er, bail now. I’d like to think that he’s like this because he’s never met anyone like you before and that no girl has ever ‘got’ him before, but I am still on the look-out for my glass slipper.

 

Did you read those other links about commitment phobia? What did you think? Has he been in touch since yesterday?

 

BB