Married but unhappy in 9 months

[stop the rain]

Ok please don’t have a go at me here this is my first time on here and I need advice not condemnation.

I have been with my husband 3.5 years and married 9 months. He has always been very close to one of his ex girlfriends but it never really bothered me. She has always been nasty to me even when she had never met me calling me every name under the sun, trying to break us up and start an affair with him. Several times I have questioned him on how he can be friends with someone who can be nasty to his girlfriend, finance and then wife. His excuse has been that they have a special connection due to her being close to his late father.

They even spoke to each other on day 4 of our honeymoon. I went mad he shouted at me and then I think I may have realised I made a mistake in getting married. He promised that no further contact would be made.

 

Fast forward 5 months and I met someone who on the outside seems perfect. I have deep affection for this guy and have tried to stay away from him but on a works night out we got drunk and he kissed me, told me he had feelings for me and we ended up sleeping together.The sex was amazing like nothing I had ever experienced before ( the sex with my H was never great). This guy wanted to carry on seeing me but I said no.

A few days later a message comes up on my H phone and it from his ex. I grab a moment later and go through his phone and read the messages. Some of what is talked about is very personal about our relationship and about my medical history. Most of which only my mother and H are aware off. I couldn’t believe he lied to me again about being in contact with her and then to violate my trust with personal info about me.

I know I slept with someone else and make no excuses about that, but he is not aware of my infidelity.

 

Although I love him very much I just don’t think I am in love with him anymore.

I just can’t see myself with my H for the rest of my life. The sex is not enough; he never takes me anywhere and never does anything romantic. I am the one who is always trying to bring the romance to the marriage. I feel like I have been left to rot, I need excitement and am an outdoors person but since getting married all my H wants to do is watch tv every night.

I’m bored and lonely. I know my H loves me more than anything but I can’t bear to have sex with him again. He says he is going to change and pay me more attention and start putting me first instead of himself. I just feel like it is to late, I have lost that spark. Part of me got married due to me hitting 30 and thinking this is it.

I have slept with someone else that was totally amazing and I don’t feel guilty, my H can do so much better than me but he totally adores me. I have never cheated in my life and am totally disgusted with myself but truthfully if was amazing. I know that staying in my marriage I will cheat again.

 

The spark has gone. How do I find the strength to walk away from a beautiful and loving husband?

I feel so much guilt that I have lost my love for him. I look at him and want to scream with the pain I have caused him.

Edited March 14, 2013 by stop the rain

[TaraMaiden]

God, how I hate BS posts like this....

 

It's simple.

Visit a lawyer, get him or her to file on your behalf. Confess your affair, and get out of there.

 

Sorted.

 

Really, there's nothing to say about this mess, except the sooner you end this farcical situation, the better it will be for all of you.

[road]

Very simple to sort this mess out.

 

Tell BH you cheated.

 

Then file for divorce.

 

Then IC because you knew BH was going to disrespect you with his ex and you married him any way.

 

Then IC to learn that cheating is not the solution under any circumstance.

 

The last Then, continue IC to learn to dump your OM because a quality man that will respect you and make a good husband is never the one that will have an affair with you.

 

Oh, I forgot.

 

They cheat with you they will cheat on you.

 

One that does not know these basic life facts should not be allowed out without parental supervision or make any of their own decisions.

[NotCamelot]

Normally, I try to walk the center line when making comments here. But, in your case, it is very clear that are not dedicated to the Marriage. Nor faithful to it. Maybe your H is not either....

 

You say you've been with H for 3.5 years.........living together? If so, didn't you know how you felt before now?

 

From reading your words, it sounds like you need to confess, file for divorce, go to your "amazing" sex guy, and leave your husband to find someone else as well.

 

And, remember, with the next guy, a promise never made cannot be broken. Make absolutely certain what you are doing before marrying. And having a birthday is not a reason to marry.

[Spark1111]

I sense you and he got married for the wrong reasons and it is not too late to throw in the towel.

 

He never gave up his emotional connection to an old girlfriend who despises you and now that you have had an affair, you realize you were never happy physically with him and never will be.

 

Which makes me scratch my head and wonder WHY EXACTLY did you get married?

 

You both seem to lack an emotional and physical connection to each other, and without that there is no point in staying married.

 

Be grateful you did not bring children into the marriage, and next time you consider the idea, make sure you have both the physical and emotional connection and that you share many of the same values.

[nofool4u]

Ok please don’t have a go at me here this is my first time on here and I need advice not condemnation.

I have been with my husband 3.5 years and married 9 months. He has always been very close to one of his ex girlfriends but it never really bothered me. She has always been nasty to me even when she had never met me calling me every name under the sun, trying to break us up and start an affair with him.

 

Your H should be supporting YOU. If I had an X from my past disrespecting my wife, she would then know if she cannot respect her she doesn't need to ever contact me or pretend to be my friend again.

 

Then again, I don't remain "good" friends with any of my X's. We are X's for a reason. The extent of it is a "hello" if seen out in public. Simply civil, thats it.

 

 

Several times I have questioned him on how he can be friends with someone who can be nasty to his girlfriend, finance and then wife. His excuse has been that they have a special connection due to her being close to his late father.

 

Bulls***

 

They even spoke to each other on day 4 of our honeymoon.

 

???? What? I didn't even have contact with anyone in my family, let alone another woman. Something isn't right about your husband.

 

 

I went mad he shouted at me and then I think I may have realised I made a mistake in getting married. He promised that no further contact would be made.

 

Fast forward 5 months and I met someone who on the outside seems perfect.

I have deep affection for this guy and have tried to stay away from him but on a works night out we got drunk and he kissed me, told me he had feelings for me and we ended up sleeping together.The sex was amazing like nothing I had ever experienced before ( the sex with my H was never great). This guy wanted to carry on seeing me but I said no.

 

I know I slept with someone else and make no excuses about that, but he is not aware of my infidelity.

 

Although I love him very much I just don’t think I am in love with him anymore.

 

Time for a divorce.

 

 

I just can’t see myself with my H for the rest of my life. The sex is not enough; he never takes me anywhere and never does anything romantic. I am the one who is always trying to bring the romance to the marriage. I feel like I have been left to rot, I need excitement and am an outdoors person but since getting married all my H wants to do is watch tv every night.

I’m bored and lonely. I know my H loves me more than anything but I can’t bear to have sex with him again. He says he is going to change and pay me more attention and start putting me first instead of himself. I just feel like it is to late, I have lost that spark. Part of me got married due to me hitting 30 and thinking this is it.

I have slept with someone else that was totally amazing and I don’t feel guilty

 

Then get a divorce. I was on your side up til this point. Now after hearing this, divorce is the ONLY option.

 

And since you have only been married 9 months, just agree who takes what and leave each others monetary accounts alone.

 

 

my H can do so much better than me but he totally adores me. I have never cheated in my life and am totally disgusted with myself but truthfully if was amazing. I know that staying in my marriage I will cheat again.

 

The spark has gone. How do I find the strength to walk away from a beautiful and loving husband?

 

You realize to yourself that if you let the marriage continue, it will be harder to dissolve, in more ways than one.

 

You also realize that there are no efforts by him that will more than likely keep you from cheating again.

 

But here is the thing, I'm sure you think you can leave the marriage without telling him you had sex with someone else. Wrong.

He will wonder why things couldn't be better if he changed his ways, rather than realizing its because you want amazing sex with other men and don't want him to touch you.

 

So perhaps telling him you cheated will give you the strength. Or more accurately, might give him the strength to stop trying to be better for you and open the door and tell you to walk through it.

 

And with only being married 9 months an annulment is probably possible.

 

Waste no time, get a divorce.

[underwater2010]

Sorry but I agree with all of the above. Neither one of you seems mature enough to be in a marriage let alone a relationship. Time for a divorce and IC.

[whichwayisup]

Your beautiful and loving husband? Your husband who allowed another woman aka his ex gf, to be rude to you, mean to you? Never stood up to her? told her to stop? Never cut her out of his life? Your husband, who spoke to his exgf ON your honeymoon? The husband who shared YOUR intimate and personal life with, medical and all?

 

DIVORCE HIM. he isn't in love with you and you're not in love with him. He is a security blanket, that's all. And not a good one might I add.

 

You say the sex isn't even that good with him. He IS cheating on you with his ex, she's too involved and who knows if they've had sex or not, what they are doing is having an EA RIGHT under your nose.

 

You've cheated on him. Two wrongs don't make a right, but it is time to leave and get a divorce. The marriage was a mistake.

[Owl]

Neither of you are marriage material at this point.

 

Neither of you are committed to the marriage you're in.

 

File for divorce, and end this situation.

[HopingAgain]

It doesn't sound like either of you were ready for marriage. You are both cheating on one another and rationalizing your reasons for it. Its not as complicated as you're making it: you can either confront him that you know he's been having an emotional affair and confess your own, and you both get counseling, or you haul ass to Divorce Court before this scenario gets worse. Whatever you do, don't continue on as is because someone will get hurt, emotionally and or physically!

[Mr. Lucky]

I know I slept with someone else and make no excuses about that, but he is not aware of my infidelity.

This sentence was so important to you it got its own paragraph. You seem to feel you own some moral higher ground or clarity of purpose because, while you're aware of his betrayal, he's not aware of yours.

 

Forget your husband, look at the decisions you've made to this point:

- married a man you knew had an inappropriate relationship with xGF

- married for the wrong reasons ("due to me hitting 30 and thinking this is it")

- placed yourself in an inappropriate situation ("on a works night out we got drunk")

- Betrayed your marriage ("we ended up sleeping together")

 

I'd respectfully submit that, in asking "How do I find the strength to walk away from a beautiful and loving husband?", you're posing the wrong question...

 

Mr. Lucky

[turnera]

Just tell him it's not working out, and leave. Neither of you needs to be married.

 

And start therapy to figure out why you can compartmentalize what you did. You will carry that through all your relationships (and probably cheat again) if you don't get help.

[dreamingoftigers]

^see all of the above.

[TigerCub]

I rolled my eyes so many times while reading the OP that I'm surprised they're not Stuck that way...

 

#1) Why the hell marry him if he doesn't stand up for you and couldn't care less about your feelings? Why marry him if the sex isn't even good and you're not happy there?

 

#2) Oyi - I just LOVE how people are always drunk and just happen to have sex with someone else - just own it! No Alcohol excuse, no my husband is an ass excuse - nothing. just say it like it is

 

#3) How on earth can you really demand honesty and fidelity when you are outright admitting to your own cheat? What the hell???

 

#4) Your Husband most certainly doesn't love you more than anything - because if a man can't so much as stand up for his woman and banish and haters that want to break them up from his life - then he really doesn't give 2 craps about you.

 

So..In Conclusion - you're both liars and you're both cheating.

 

so...why waste more time?

[Oberfeldwebel]

You do realize that the ONS with other man is not a good barometer by which to make a decision. Good sex is 85% in between your ears and 15% in the rest of your body. This is not real life, 9 months ago you felt strongly enough about your current relationship, to marry your husband. Now you are ready to pull him off the mound and go to a reliever from the bullpen. I know you have talked about him showing attention to this other woman and that is obviously a problem. However it is not a reason to turn your attention to someone else. Bottom line you need to deal with your first relationship before you start a new one.

[jnel921]

How is it that you don't have the strength to leave such a loving man but you have the nerve to sleep with someone else and justify it with behaviors you have allowed.

 

You clearly don't care about your H. I think you are wrapped up in a fog by your amazing sex man to know the difference of what a real relationship is all about.

 

What do you really know about this guy? How is it he rivals your H other than this sex you can't seem to stop thinking about?

 

Your coworker may have debts up the wazoo. A crazy baby mama, live out his car , has more $hit streaks in his drawers than you can handle.

 

Is he so great? You my dear need a reality check. You marry for love, partnership, and goals. Not because your clock is ticking. That ticking sound is bomb and it will explode in your face.

 

You both have made some bad choices. You can still.fix them if you love each other enough. Sounds like your H wants to change but you won't give him the opportunity. When you have stopped basking in the glory of the orgasm the amazing sex guy gave you review your marriage and ask yourself if it is really worth destroying.

[Darren Steez]

It's funny how the hardest thing is to simply be truthful.

 

I read "I'm not happy, he's done this, she's done that, I did this, I won't tell him, He loves me, I don't love him, I can't bear to do this, I want to do this..."

 

Be truthful with yourself and to him. Tell him then get out of this relationship and you can do whatever the heck you want to do. Very simple