MYCluciferase Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 This is a repeat of an older thread, but I missed being able to comment. I was amazed by the number of men who were jokey about this and said it sounded good - it wasn't good for me... The story: I saw Susannah from afar and wooed her stylishly into a relationship, only to find that she was still pining for a married man that she’d terminated an affair with about six months previously. I liked her and thought I could pull it around - I couldn't. She still phoned him every day, and I felt that I was there merely as part of her recovery process, and that ****ing me was just something she did between cleaning her teeth and putting out the bedside light. She was experienced and efficient in bed. Sex became really humiliating, and I started making excuses not to get intimate with her. One time I remember I even ****ed off alone when I knew she was coming to visit so I wouldn't be able to perform. I had to end it, but by the time I did my ego had such a dent in it... I didn't have a relationship for the next two years after.
Lani Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 Cripes... that doesn't sound fun. I'm not a guy, but I slept with a guy for a while who I thought understood I didn't want anything serious. After telling him that a million times, it was a pretty safe assumption. Anyway, when I met someone else I stopped sleeping with him and he lost the plot. Saying I only used him for sex and that it's just offensive. So no, I don't think you're alone on this. 1
normal person Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 Yeah, being "used" in general is not really an enjoyable feeling. It can be kind of dehumanizing. 1
Djz05 Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 I got this one backwards. I had 2 fwb relationships where I said it was only for sex and nothing more. But by the time they had to cut it off (both of them moved away) it was I that felt bad and felt used. Yeah that was crazy weird haha.
Soxfaninfl Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 I would only have sex with a women if we were dating. I don't do hookups or one night stands. I would feel used if I found I was just being used for sex. It would bother me if hat happened. I'm trying to find a long term realationship, and don't want to waist my time with anyone hat doesn't. 2
kaylan Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 If you genuinely like a girl, getting used hurts like a biznitch. Been there. 1
Lani Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 If you genuinely like a girl, getting used hurts like a biznitch. Been there. Yeah, I agree with this. Everyone should just be open about things, yeah? And if the other person claims to be ok, then it's not really your fault if that changes and they don't tell you.
gaius Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 It's always a little blow to the ego if you can't have sex with a woman anymore and it's not your choice. Even if you didn't like her that much. Not something you would admit to your male friends though. 1
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 Yeah, that's definitely happened to me in the past....very often. I was pretty sensitive. What I've found that limits these kinds of ego bruises is self-discipline. I noticed that after I went to military bootcamp, I became WAY more disciplined with my emotions. Now, when things like this happen, I barely bat an eye lash.
IAmRobot Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 If you genuinely like a girl, getting used hurts like a biznitch. Been there. THIS :| 10 chars
sabre80 Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 Oh man OP I am sorry to read that. I think it is the mindset behind being used for sex. "I am going to just use you for sex till something better comes along" Is harsh to hear/handle. "Hey we are friends and care about each other you wanna scratch each others needs" Feels so much better. In essence its the same thing but I think the second holds more consideration for the other. A couple years ago I dated a woman for a month. Neither of us were ready for a relationship (too close to divorce) and broke up on friendly terms. We remained friends and became really close friends. A few months later she said she did not want a relationship but has "needs" and did not want to get involved with anyone just to satisfy her needs. I was happy she turned to me to scratch her itch. I met someone a few months later as did she and we stopped. I faded her out of my life however the closer I got with my new girl because I felt uncomfortable keeping a female "Friend" around that I had been intimate with. Just seemed too disrespectful to both. So in hindsight I enjoyed being used for sex at the time, but later regret it because it would have been nice to keep her as a friend. 1
Sivok Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 My younger brother hit the genetic lottery and this happens to him alll the time. It's been twice in a row now that he asks a girl to be his gf and they say they want to stay 'friends'. Poor guy was a heartbroken mess after both accounts
RedRobin Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 I've had a couple of guys get pissed when things didn't work out in the relationship, then blamed me for sex happening too soon... (keeping in mind, I don't have sex early by most people's estimation here...) I told them that their d*ck is attached to their bodies, not mine... and they share equal responsibility for the pace of the relationship... and ALL of the responsibility for when THEY decide to become intimate. More men could afford to hold off a bit longer on the sex for their own sake, and not rely on the woman to do that work for them... Yea, it sucks for either gender to form an attachment sexually, and then feel like that was all you were to them. FYI... I didn't do that to these guys... I don't use people for sex. Things just didn't work out, or I found out something about their pasts I couldn't deal with long term. I'm better about sorting these things out in advance now so that no one is hurt.
USMCHokie Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 Given my current emotional and mental state, I'd welcome it with open arms.
TouchedByViolet Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 Yeah being used sucks... it's like unrequited love... If all I want is sex then it won't be a problem.
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 (edited) OP, you aren't alone. There have been many threads started by guys who were hurt after agreeing to be a F-buddy or hookup. They hoped for more even though there was an upfront agreement. I think it's a myth that only women get hurt when they are used for sex. I think women are just more comfortable being frank with their friends about their hurt and vulnerability and then crying about it. They get support and sympathy when they open up about this. It's less acceptable for guys for some strange reason, and they often don't get the same support from other guys, which is sad. Instead, the reaction they get is: what's wrong with you...you had sex with no strings...you should be happy." We all want to feel valued for all that we offer a partner. That's just part of being human, whether you are a man or woman. Edited March 14, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2
JMCOSU838 Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 I believe the answer to your question is no. After all, it's a proven fact that all men think with the organ between their legs instead of the organ between their ears. Yes, there are definitely men who don't like being used for sex. In certain circumstances and with prior knowledge and understanding, that kind of relationship can be fun. Once one person, male or female, starts becoming emotionally attached, then it becomes a minefield.
normal person Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 (edited) I believe the answer to your question is no. After all, it's a proven fact that all men think with the organ between their legs instead of the organ between their ears. There are plenty of guys chiming in with a "yes, it feels bad." Sex is nice and all, but after enough physical stuff guys will mature and get to a point where the goal isn't merely to have sex anymore. If you like someone enough, it sucks to just be an "object" to them -- objectification isn't just limited to females. I feel the same way if some girl I don't know grabs my butt. It's not flattering, it feels a little dehumanizing to think that someone assumes they have the right to do that to you whether you're ok with it or not. I'm pretty picky with the girls I consider for relationships or whatever, I'm not one of those guys out there who bangs any girl who's interested in me. That's just not at all what I want to do. So I can tell you firsthand that it's very frustrating when you meet a seemingly awesome girl out, she's into you, wants to get close, dance, kiss, all the other stuff... but then later on when you want to show some respect, hang out with her, and get to her on a deeper personal level, she's turned off. She just wants to earn your attention and have a little fun, but afterwards she can't be bothered? I'm just a piece of meat and actually trying to treat you like a human being is an inconvenience? I wouldn't have thought. 'Makes me feel like an idiot for trying. Given my current emotional and mental state, I'd welcome it with open arms. I'm not so sure what your emotional state is, but if it's at all bad, I doubt hearing something that translates to "I'll **** you, but you don't mean **** to me" will make you feel much better. Edited March 14, 2013 by normal person
JMCOSU838 Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 There are plenty of guys chiming in with a "yes, it feels bad." Sex is nice and all, but after enough physical stuff guys will mature and get to a point where the goal isn't merely to have sex anymore. If you like someone enough, it sucks to just be an "object" to them -- objectification isn't just limited to females. I feel the same way if some girl I don't know grabs my butt. It's not flattering, it feels a little dehumanizing to think that someone assumes they have the right to do that to you whether you're ok with it or not. I'm pretty picky with the girls I consider for relationships or whatever, I'm not one of those guys out there who bangs any girl who's interested in me. That's just not at all what I want to do. So I can tell you firsthand that it's very frustrating when you meet a seemingly awesome girl out, she's into you, wants to get close, dance, kiss, all the other stuff... but then later on when you want to show some respect, hang out with her, and get to her on a deeper personal level, she's turned off. She just wants to earn your attention and have a little fun, but afterwards she can't be bothered? I'm just a piece of meat and actually trying to treat you like a human being is an inconvenience? I wouldn't have thought. 'Makes you feel like an idiot for trying. I completely agree with you. The first part of my post was an attempt at funny sarcasm. Apparently that was lost in internet translation and was a total failure.
normal person Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 I completely agree with you. The first part of my post was an attempt at funny sarcasm. Apparently that was lost in internet translation and was a total failure. To be fair, I couldn't tell if you were a sarcastic guy or perhaps some guy or girl who was very opinionated, or slighted. It felt right to put my thought into the thread regardless though, haha. I'm glad you cleared it up.
JMCOSU838 Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 To be fair, I couldn't tell if you were a sarcastic guy or perhaps some guy or girl who was very opinionated, or slighted. It felt right to put my thought into the thread regardless though, haha. I'm glad you cleared it up. No worries. It's one of the pitfalls of trying to be sarcastic on the internet. Sometimes it doesn't come across very well. 1
iKING Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 I've had exes tell me they were using me for good sex for the last bit of our relationship. One even told me while we were still together. Needless to say, I wasn't all that offended. Just laughed it off. Being straight up used for sex outside of a relationship might become more of a problem, but I don't do that sort of thing anymore. As long as both parties are accepting of the morality and the agreement itself, it shouldn't be much of an issue. It's when one party is reluctant or second guessing the situation is when it becomes a problem.
Author MYCluciferase Posted March 14, 2013 Author Posted March 14, 2013 OK, thanks guys for reassuring me about mankind's humanity at least sometimes trumping it's sexual needs (as opposed to womankind's humanity, which I'm pretty much reassured about... Interesting that most of the 'being used' situations surround FWB's in which there are misunderstandings about expectations - a salutary warning. In my case above, I was definitely under the impression that it was a real relationship when it started. Maybe she intended it to be but just couldn't shake the past relationship..?
Feelin Frisky Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 I can say yes to that question. When I had my place in NYC I has a FWB come by every now and then. Years before things were different and I used to go by her place in Jersey City but I didn't just ball her and book. But I sold my wheels because it was too expensive keeping a car in Manhattan. So when she'd come by as soon I I came she would be washing up and getting dressed to leave. I didn't feel like a booty call, I just wanted at least another half hour of some affection and a stay over once and a while. There was easy sex a plenty where I lived but it was mostly about coke and not personal and that didn't fly at all with me. No affection, no satisfaction. Or rarely satisfaction. Pretty girls though. 1
USMCHokie Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 I'm not so sure what your emotional state is, but if it's at all bad, I doubt hearing something that translates to "I'll **** you, but you don't mean **** to me" will make you feel much better. No, it's not at all bad. At least not to me.
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