Mayfare Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 After 2 months of being broken up and about 5-6 weeks of NC, we met up. I guess NC showed me that I'm okay without him, but I'm not ready to move on completely and I'd really like to try and salvage our relationship if possible before I go NC for good. I didn't really have any expectations for meeting up, I just felt like we needed to talk. So anyway, I shot him a text and asked if he had some time to talk. He replied instantly asking if I was alright. When I said I was, I just wanted to talk about some things, he offered to come right away. I was busy, so I invited him to get coffee later in the evening to which he gladly accepted. He ended up coming over to my place instead (the weather was awful and I didn't want to walk to get coffee, plus he lives across the street). Surprisingly, it went great. We had ice cream together and talked about our post-graduation plans. He told me I looked great and he was really happy to see me. He apologized for being distant during NC and said he still had those damned V-day chocolates he bought for me a month ago (which I obviously refused to accept because we were broken up). He was only over for about an hour, but he hugged me about 4-5 times and kept complimenting me... I'm hoping that by keeping in touch we can rebuild our trust for each other and establish a much stronger line of communication, which will be necessary if we do ever get back together. I realize that may not happen, but here's to hoping Any advice/suggestions for rebuilding things with him?
iouaname Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 Well... you'd have to like... ask him if he even wanted to rebuild things?
Author Mayfare Posted March 14, 2013 Author Posted March 14, 2013 iouaname-I didn't bring up getting back together tonight because this was the first time we were meeting and I wanted it to be light and casual. I didn't even know how either of us would feel seeing the other again, despite knowing that we both still have strong feelings. Maybe when we're communicating a bit better and more comfortable around each other, I can bring it up, but this truly was just about having a nice time and catching up. I feel like I really need to take it slow here to properly rebuild things, right? singme2sleep-Initially, yes, I ended it because I wanted our last semester of college apart. We weren't seeing our friends anymore b/c we were always with each other and we were making huge sacrifices for the other person when planning out our futures. Basically, we lost ourselves in the relationship. After a few days, I went back and said I just wanted a break and wanted to work on things, but he said he wanted spaces too and thought a breakup was necessary to sort out our lives.
spiritofjosh Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 It may depend who ended things. But to be honest and coming from a guy as myself, he seemed interested. The fact that he answered immediately AND came at the drop of a hat is a very very good sign. Most men like to, or try to, dangle you around with "well....I may have some spare time here and there to talk, I dunno.." And complimenting you and being very touchy (hugging excessively) I'd say this was a very good sign. I won't rush into anything, however. Keep contact how you did and build from that slowly, keep talking but don't bring up the relationship unless he does. I'm sorta in the same boat but yours is much more clear. Good luck 1
Author Mayfare Posted March 14, 2013 Author Posted March 14, 2013 I should also probably clarify what happened in the time between the breakup and now lol. From the night we broke up he was still calling every night, walking me to class and holding my hand, taking me out to dinner and the bar, etc. He said he would always love me and it didn't have to be over forever, he just couldn't be in a relationship right now because he wasn't happy with himself. I got sick of this pseudo-relationship real quick and said we couldn't be friends and we needed to treat this like a breakup, so I started NC. Two weeks after this he called a few times and texted to say he bought me chocolates for Valentine's Day. When I said I didn't want them and I needed space to move on, he apologized, said he still cared about me, and understood. Until today we hadn't spoken since.
Author Mayfare Posted March 14, 2013 Author Posted March 14, 2013 spiritofjosh- Thanks for your input! It's so helpful to have a male perspective! I was a little bit unsure of when to bring up asking if he even does want to rebuild things, so I'm glad you support the idea of going slowly/not bringing it up. Do you think even if he doesn't want a relationship now, he may in a few months? My biggest concern here is getting friend-zoned for good, but I'm still willing to take that risk and fight for it.
spiritofjosh Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 spiritofjosh- Thanks for your input! It's so helpful to have a male perspective! I was a little bit unsure of when to bring up asking if he even does want to rebuild things, so I'm glad you support the idea of going slowly/not bringing it up. Do you think even if he doesn't want a relationship now, he may in a few months? My biggest concern here is getting friend-zoned for good, but I'm still willing to take that risk and fight for it. To be fair all guys are different. If he's anything like me he wouldn't lead you on, so if I were betting I'd say in a few months, if things we're going well, then yes a relationship would be possible, why not? When you think deep if two people really want it, it's not hard to fix. It's when it's unbalanced or timing is off things get weird. But remember to take it slow, if he feels rushed or pushed he might step back. The less you push the idea the more he might actually.
Author Mayfare Posted March 14, 2013 Author Posted March 14, 2013 I think things probably are a bit unbalanced right now. I know we both still have feelings for each other, and he cares about me a lot, but I honestly don't think he wants a relationship right now. That said, I'm hoping that after some time apart and having some much-needed space, he'll start to view a relationship as less suffocating thing and reconsider. I guess I'm okay with not having a balance because I don't want to give up and I feel like this is really the only way to ever get a chance to work things out.
thekarmacist Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 everything sounds favorable. advice? for success, take it slow and be willing to accept UNCERTAINTY for a little while. this is where most people fail, or never bother to try. good luck and keep us posted!! 1
Author Mayfare Posted March 16, 2013 Author Posted March 16, 2013 So this morning my ex and I met up again to discuss a few things. I've still been feeling a lot of anger towards him due to things ending so suddenly/not trying to work things out before calling it over. I started feeling like I was maybe having some trust issues over this and I really wanted to talk to him to get through these feelings and truly build up a genuine friendship again. He was very great about dealing with the anger I've had towards him. He let me vent about everything and apologized sincerely, and admitted that he's been very sad over the BU and wasn't sure how to handle things. There was some crying involved for both of us and a lot of hugging. The most amazing thing to come out of this meeting was that I finally understand and fully accept the break up. We were arguing over little things, not seeing our friends, and we were sacrificing a lot to stay together after graduation. I don't see our relationship as having been perfect anymore, and I do believe now that a BU was necessary. He said that he still loves and cares about me, and always will, even if it's not in the same way I'm used to. I believe him because I feel the same way about him. For now, our relationship is over, and that's okay. We both agreed to truly stay friends and maybe one day in the future we can try again. After all, we are only 21 and 22 and at this point in our lives it should be all about making ourselves happy, not making sacrifices for a relationship that may not have worked out anyway. Neither of us has been with other people nor do we have any desire to be. We truly are just working on ourselves. I'm still very close to his parents (and he encourages that to continue) and his friends, and he is mine. I don't have anything bad to say about him, he has nothing bad to say about me. I have been spending a lot more time with my own friends and loving every minute of it! Although I miss him, being single has been a breath of fresh air! This isn't because I'm seeing other people/hooking up with randoms, it's because I'm living up my twenties with my friends, planning traveling for myself, and planning my future career that I am so passionate about. I'm no longer making sacrifices because of a relationship, but doing things completely for me. I also know that if I miss him, he is just a phone call away. I'm really happy with where things are right now and I am truly just so grateful that my ex is the person he is. Maybe one day we will try again, maybe we won't. I do know that I couldn't have picked a better person to be my first love and he feels the same. I apologize to everyone that was hoping for a reconciliation here, but I'm happy with the outcome. I guess ultimately I hope we do give it another chance, but we definitely will need some time before that happens again. 1
Author Mayfare Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 Update: This past week my roommate was dealing with some very serious and personal issues. My roommate is a mutual friend between my ex and me, so naturally he was aware of what was going on. My ex asked me to come talk to him about my roommate so maybe he could help, and when I did, the conversation ended with him crying and saying he's still in love with me but the relationship is over and he doesn't want to get back together right now. This is not what I wanted. I went over there for support in dealing with our friend (my roommate's) problem, not to have him break down about a relationship the he ended. I thought it was very selfish to turn the conversation from our friend to his sadness over our break up. I tried to keep the conversation calm and focus on our friend and when I left I thought things were okay. Then I didn't hear from him all week. Usually, this wouldn't bother me at all because he is my ex and I don't mind not hearing from him. But when I'm texting him about our friend because he asked to be texted about the situation, I find it really immature to not respond. This is not about us or our breakup, it's about helping a friend. I've gotten pretty tired of being the only one to make any effort to stay friends and I told him this. I don't mind not being friends, but be honest! Don't tell me you want to be friends and then never call or text. Or, don't say you're still in love but don't want to try again. It's not fair. I got really upset and basically told him I didn't deserve to be lied to and I was over the whole thing, so I wish him the best. Then I deleted his number. I'm not sure if this was the right move or not. It's hard to watch my first love just slip away, especially when we both still have feelings. I didn't want things to end this badly and I really did want to stay friends, but I expect honestly from my friends and he wasn't being honest. Was this the right thing to do, or is there anything I can do to make the situation less hostile?
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