smellybelly Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 I'm curious how I guy would feel in this situation: You're dumping a girl and ask if you can be friends- she says no You ask if you can call her sometimes to see how she's doing- she says no You ask if you could at least text to say hello and see how she's doing- she says no thank you. I'm curious... in my situation my ex of a brief relationship was pulling the plug on us- which i didn't disagree with. It was for the better- but wanted to remain in contact- I told him absolutely not because it would be too emotionally confusing for me. That i hold him in high regard and if we ever ran into each other I would be happy to catch up but that I wasn't interested in staying in touch or being friends. In the end he seemed very hurt and upset and I it appeared as though I was fine with everything. So part of me feels like I may have come across as cold- which wasn't my intention- I was simply telling the truth- i had no interest in being his friend. Now i'm wondering if I should call him and check up on him and see how he's doing.. for crying out loud- I feel like the dumper now... wtf... Thoughts?
flitzanu Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 I'm curious how I guy would feel in this situation: You're dumping a girl and ask if you can be friends- she says no You ask if you can call her sometimes to see how she's doing- she says no You ask if you could at least text to say hello and see how she's doing- she says no thank you. I'm curious... in my situation my ex of a brief relationship was pulling the plug on us- which i didn't disagree with. It was for the better- but wanted to remain in contact- I told him absolutely not because it would be too emotionally confusing for me. That i hold him in high regard and if we ever ran into each other I would be happy to catch up but that I wasn't interested in staying in touch or being friends. In the end he seemed very hurt and upset and I it appeared as though I was fine with everything. So part of me feels like I may have come across as cold- which wasn't my intention- I was simply telling the truth- i had no interest in being his friend. Now i'm wondering if I should call him and check up on him and see how he's doing.. for crying out loud- I feel like the dumper now... wtf... Thoughts? emotional displacement. he wanted you to be his friend so he could feel less guilty. no, you shouldn't contact him at all, he's the one that dumped you. you don't get to end a relationship and keep the person around as your friend while you're still hurt. 2
iouaname Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 No, absolutely not. You should feel thankful that you feel like the dumper. It's much worse being on the other end, so getting to feel like the one in power even when you're the dumped one? I'd kill for that. You told him you did not want to be friends, do not send him mixed messages. The rest of us hate it when our exes who dump us send us mixed messages. 2
TaraMaiden Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Egos sure can be fragile things.... keeping in touch makes them feel better.... They don't feel so bad about ending the relationship, because if they can maintain a friendship, then their actions can't have been all that bad... It's just a move to soften the blow - to their ego. They continue to like the attention, but with no relationship strings attached. This is also why some (usually-but-not-always male) dumpers keep seeing their ex's - it affords them an ideal FWB situation.....
na49 Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 I'm not sure what it is with these threads today feeling like one gender has a leg up on the other when it comes to being heart broken. Guys get their heart broken by girls too, not sure if you guys were aware. Anyway, to answer your question. No, there's nothing wrong with what you did. My ex told me 2 months after dumping me "I know we ended on bad terms, but I'd like to be friends". What did I tell her? Nothing. I eventually told her to leave me alone. I never showed my hand and told her it was because I still loved her. but my ex also cheated on me, so my situation is different than yours. It's normal for you to feel guilty, I felt guilty too. but at some point we have to just feel good about our decision. We have to do what is right for us. I'm sure he understands how emotional you are. He may be bummed you don't want to be friends, but he also knew he didn't want to be with you anymore. He'll get over you not being his friend. He'll make new friends. Most of the time, friendship really is just to make them feel better about dumping you. It's kind of selfish of him to push friendship on you after ripping your heart out, don't you think?
TaraMaiden Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 I'm not sure what it is with these threads today feeling like one gender has a leg up on the other when it comes to being heart broken. Guys get their heart broken by girls too, not sure if you guys were aware. When have I ever differentiated? The only thing I find extraordinary is the amount of time guys take to get over it, and the depths to which their angst will plummet. I honestly have never come across such a wealth of threads from men who simply find they cannot handle the break up, and seem to lose all sense of reason. It's astonishing, and sad, too. When it comes to getting over it, it appears that women are now the better-equipped of the genders, by and large...... 2
Sugarkane Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 Don't feel guilty at all, it's better than being strung along, used for sex or more lies upon lies. I've also had a dumper who cracked with me. Bad luck he was downright cruel and a real pig.
iouaname Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 When it comes to getting over it, it appears that women are now the better-equipped of the genders, by and large...... I spoke to a friend about this exact thing, and I think it's ingrained in the way that men and women are expected to deal with emotions. Women tend to have strong support bases and emotional confidants in friends and family, they tend to be less self-conscious about doing cheesy, self-empowering things that help to build them back up, and they're better, on average, at developing coping mechanisms. Men, on the other hand, feel self-conscious about allowing their emotions to be seen and thus it bottles up and is harder to deal with because they may feel less of a connection to people. It's definitely interesting! 5
TaraMaiden Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 You're absolutely right, iouaname, I have proposed this theory, on this very forum, myself, before now. The trouble is, with my post count, I'd have to go trawling through a large number of posts to remember where and when I said that.... !!
francis Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 In my situation, I wasn't asked by my ex if we could stay friends, he just started with the 'friendzone' texts and after a few days of receiving these 'you are fabulous, how are you today?' texts I told him directly that I didn't want to do the friends thing, that is was difficult and confusing to hear from him and to respect my feelings. I didn't get a reply to that text, and that was 15 days ago. I am so thankful for that, because to keep receiving these messages would have driven me round the bend. I think of NC as receiving a big, protective hug around myself. No contact means no pain or confusion. It is MUCH easier to focus on moving on. The loss is heartbreaking, yes, but the peace and quiet helps to heal. NC is the best self protection there is. 1
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