I hooked up with a married man and?

[neveragain34]

regardless of what you do, don't do it because of MM. because he might not be around either way...

 

He is definitely not going to be around in the long run no matter what you do. OP, please read through all these threads; it will help you move on and begin to live your life while you are still young. They don't leave their wives. Coming here has helped most of us see that. Good luck!

[neveragain34]

I just feel like I feel bad about my child being subject to that to an abortion that I'd do that to him or her when its my baby.

 

It's not a child; it's a fetus.

[whichwayisup]

I'm considering not telling my parents who the dad is to make them go easier on me then before

 

They are going to find out eventually. I say, put it out there and tell them the truth. You're a young woman, nearly 20. Own your mistake and be strong. Make sure to go talk to a counselor before you 100 percent decide what it is you want to do.

 

Give up any fantasy of MM coming to you and being supportive, if that is, you have that hope.

 

Your parents love you. You're not 14, or 16...19 years old, they hopefully will support you whatever your decision is. Sure they may be angry and upset, but they'll get over it.

[coffeebean201]

It doesn't sound like a situation where people appreciate each other.

 

If you are looking for a romantic older man to love you, this isn't the guy.

[Catplates]

How are you exactly?

 

So, you're only willing to have an abortion "something you don't really like" because you have his attention and he'll go with you to get one? Geez.

 

This is a potential little baby that you are dealing with. YOu would get rid of it to get the attention of a creep like that????

 

You sound very irresponsible and immature.

 

Have you told your parents?

 

Cat

[Tracylove19]

Idk its just what I'd rather see in the future likely though at best I could just like another one nightstand out of him while if I keep him or her I wouldn't have that guilt. I think if I tell my parents I'm going to do adoption I parent and not say who the dad is. Idk who I'm going to say it was though.

[dreamingoftigers]

They are going to find out eventually. I say, put it out there and tell them the truth. You're a young woman, nearly 20. Own your mistake and be strong. Make sure to go talk to a counselor before you 100 percent decide what it is you want to do.

 

Give up any fantasy of MM coming to you and being supportive, if that is, you have that hope.

 

Your parents love you. You're not 14, or 16...19 years old, they hopefully will support you whatever your decision is. Sure they may be angry and upset, but they'll get over it.

 

Unless they are completely dysfunctional, then you really need to find a way to not have to care about what they have to say anyway, because they'll drag you down no matter what.

[Lillyfree]

Idk its just what I'd rather see in the future likely though at best I could just like another one nightstand out of him while if I keep him or her I wouldn't have that guilt. I think if I tell my parents I'm going to do adoption I parent and not say who the dad is. Idk who I'm going to say it was though.

 

why are you protecting him?

 

 

and oh, 'at best you could get another ONS'? wtf?!

 

are you telling me that it's so hard for a 19 yo girl to get laid that you need to beg for it from some married loser at least double your age

[veryhappy]

Strongly pro-choice here. I don't think you want an abortion, and you'd better think long and hard because whatever you do you'll carry the weight of it with you for a long time.

 

Do not take this guy into consideration whatsoever. He is manipulating you. He'll do anything and say anything for you to not have this baby and make you disappear from his life. You are a threat to his family life and probably his job. He's only trying to get rid of you and the result of his stupid unprotected sex.

 

Please ask for help from other people who really care about you. This guy doesn't care about you. You were supposed to be just some fun sexual time. Do not look for comfort or validation from people who are that broken and sick.

[Catplates]

Idk its just what I'd rather see in the future likely though at best I could just like another one nightstand out of him while if I keep him or her I wouldn't have that guilt. I think if I tell my parents I'm going to do adoption I parent and not say who the dad is. Idk who I'm going to say it was though.

 

Are you sure you are 19?

 

Also how pregnant are you in terms of weeks?

 

I agree with Pierre. You need to have the abortion ASAP. You are far too immature to be a parent or even consider the consequences of having the child.

 

ANOTHER ONE NIGHT STAND OUT OF HIM... listen to yourself. That sounds disugsting to be quite. Sex is the least of your worries just now.

 

Please seek some counsel from your parents or somebody.

 

I have a grandchild almost as old as you are and I feel for you if you cannot go to your parents.

 

Cat

[Trimmer]

Tracy, is keeping the child in YOUR best interest? Are you ready to be a parent? Are you financially independent? Can you support the child? Do you want the child? Do you want to be responsible for the baby's care and development for the next 18 plus years? Please don't let ego play a factor in this, you are dealing with a very grown up situation and you need to look at it logically and seriously.

 

Do not take this guy into consideration whatsoever. He is manipulating you. He'll do anything and say anything for you to not have this baby and make you disappear from his life. You are a threat to his family life and probably his job. He's only trying to get rid of you and the result of his stupid unprotected sex.

 

Please ask for help from other people who really care about you. This guy doesn't care about you. You were supposed to be just some fun sexual time. Do not look for comfort or validation from people who are that broken and sick.

The above passages quoted for emphasis - I very much agree with these comments.

 

Tracy - you need to wake up, and you need to do it right now. This decision is NOT about how he will react to you, or what you might be able to get from him depending on which path you choose. I'll be blunt with you: that's child's thinking, and you are facing a life-changing, adult decision. Don't make it with child's thinking.

 

This decision is about you and a new life. I'm not going to advocate one particular path in the abortion/adoption/parenting decision, but you will need to make that decision, and you'll need to give it serious, adult consideration soon, or time will take away the first of those options.

 

Whichever decision you make, it will affect you deeply, it will become a part of you for the rest of your life. It's too late to change that now; all you can do is try to meet the decision with some kind of adult perspective.

 

I strongly agree with the others who are urging you to get help from stable adults in your life (preferably your parents) who can help guide you, because I'm afraid you lack perspective on this situation.

Edited March 14, 2013 by Trimmer

[waterwoman]

Oh sweetheart So sorry that you're in this position. I know you like this man but look how he has behaved. He doesn't want YOU, he wants the attention and the ego-boost. How dare he demand you abort this baby.

 

Try your best to look past him and focus on what is best for you. I know it's hard but it looks to me as if he isnt going to come through for you and he isn't worth a moment of your time x

[Got it]

Tracy you haven't answered about your financial state. If you are not financially independent, if you live at home with your parents, that is going to weigh in very heavily here. You are going to need to grow up fast and your life's focus is going to be on this baby.

 

Please, it seems like your focus is on him right now. Don't get lost in the weeds. He is not looking out for your best interest, you need to do that. What is best for you? I do think you should be honest with your parents. You need to tell them what you are thinking and feeling. They need to know who the father is. They seem to be supportive parents who are trying to look out for your best interest. I would engage them in conversation. You can stand firm on the abortion piece if that is your desire, but maybe they can help support you in another scenario. But really think this through, think about what your daily life is going to be like in each scenario, abortion, adoption, or keeping it and what will that look like.

 

Out of curiosity , what do you envision as the ideal scenario at this point?

[Got it]

I don't know what's best for me. I just know on my own I'd definitely wouldn't get an abortion.

 

Also I'm 19 I'm a woman I don't think he's a pedophile I actually have precocious puberty which makes me older looking

 

Honey, it doesn't matter if at 14 you looked like Dolly Parton and throwing yourself at him/men. You were a child and it doesn't matter.

 

It really doesn't matter much now either. You are barely and adult and he is at least middle age. I have a father who dates very young women now. As his children, while he isn't married and its legal, we don't agree with it or like it. There is something very predatory and pathetic about it on both ends (as most are dating him for his money).

 

You are just barely a woman. Who is the woman you want to be? What does she look like? What does she do? What does she stand for? What has she accomplished?

[ComingInHot]

Traceylove,

I think you need to answer GotIt's questions., either to yourself or write them out here.

 

By answering the questions posed, it should help you w/your decision regarding your pregnancy.

My Dad is AMAZING!!! I wish I could give you the very important example why but it would be too "telling" of who I am here on LS. Needless to say he taught me /showed me in a very unique way what often times happens when young women like yourself get knocked up by a man who won't step up.

I stayed celebit (sp) for a looooooong time because of it

 

He taught me of what it means to be a good H and father. I am SO thankful I had him as my dad and teacher and protector!!

 

 

P.s.... I'm adopted . I found out later in life that had I Not been adopted, I would have had a Loser for a father... I am so blessed that my biological mother had the strength & love for me to Not abort me and to give me to family where I'd have a better & blessed life* I was never "a fetus" to her.

[Pierre]

Lets set the adoption or abortion issue aside.

 

This poster is a woman that wants attention and love. She will have a horrendous life with this philosophy and she needs emergency psych care.

 

I am pasting one of the best posts ever in this forum by a lady called Quiet Storm:

 

This should be memorized by al.

 

The common theme is the desire to be loved, but I think it goes beyond that.

 

Most people have a desire to be loved.

 

Here is my theory.

 

Childhood. Were you loved unconditionally? Were both parents positive influences in your life? Did you ever feel abandoned, neglected or abused by either parent? Did you experience trauma, such as physical or sexual abuse? Were you bullied by siblings or classmates, if so did your parents/teachers take steps to protect you? Did you have an alcoholic or addict parent? Did you have a parent that was dishonest, unfaithful, criminal?

 

It is apparent that many people feel that their childhood has no bearing on their actions. People don't like to blame their parents, because they often feel their parents did the best they could. The fact is, like it or not, our childhood shapes us. Even things that we don't remember from childhood shape us.

 

In dysfunctional families, we develop defense mechanisms to deal with our pain as children, because the truth is too hard for our immature minds to process. Our alcoholic dad is yelling & screaming because he had a bad day. Dad still loves us but never takes us on his weekends because he's busy with work (or his new family). Mom is nice one day and hits us the next day because she's stressed out. Uncle Rob is touching my legs because he thinks I'm special & pretty. You get the picture.

 

These types of families do not usually have good models that teach coping skills. Problems in the family are usually hidden or ignored. There is not much open, honest discussion about resolving problems. No plans, no procedures, blurred boundaries. There are usually a lot of excuses offerred for bad parental behavior, and these trickle down to the kids. The kids need to feel loved, and they cannot cope with the fact that the people that are supposed to love them, treat them in ways that are not loving. The kids use excuses to make sense of it. They minimize the bad behavior and focus on the good. They NEED their parents to love them unconditionally, so they rationalize away, and they minimize, the unloving actions. They pretend their family is normal, and their young minds are often filled with dreams & wishes of a happy, smiling family.

 

These methods that kids develop to cope don't disappear at age 18. You don't magically mature into a emotionally healthy adult with good coping skills. You need good models or a good counselor for that. So you keep using those same coping skills. You don't do this consiously. You don't recognize that the skills you used to protect your fragile mind as a child, have now turned into an unhealthy pattern of thinking & coping.

 

So you end up with an adult that was not loved unconditionally, who is still subconsciously seeking that love, affirmation, validation & emotional support that they were robbed of as a child. Imagine if parenthood had a checklist of tasks to create an emotionally healthy adult. Imagine that the "showing your child unconditional love" task never gets completed. This results in an emptiness, and a subconsious longing for that unconditional love. And as adults, we subconsciously seek ways for that missing piece of development that was so vitally important, to be resolved.

 

This is why I think many OW find the love and attention of a married man so validating. They have been conditioned in childhood to be perpetually disappointed by those that claim to love them. They may logically know that they deserve more (like they did as a child, wishing & dreaming), but they fall back into the same patterns of making excuses. He loves me, he just doesn't want to hurt his kids. He loves me, he's just confused & afraid to change. He's trapped & misunderstood. But he loves me, that's what matters. The same pattern of ignoring hurtful behavior, focusing on the good.

 

Children have no way out. They are stuck in that dysfunctional way of life. They don't have an option, so they become very resigned to their circumstances. They twist & turn their reality in ways to make it seem not so bad. They have to, they have no choice. They make it work, they have no other options.

 

As adults, we have choices. A married man might flirt with us, and we can decide not to engage. But what happes if we are weak & vulnerable to love and attention? Those patterns developed as a child, cause that attention to feel very validating. He is risking their marriage and life to talk to me. He is interested in me. He thinks about me. He cares what I am thinking about. He cares about what I did today. He cares about what I'm going to do tomorrow. He feels a connection with me.

 

Someone with a strong sense of self, someone that loves and takes care of themselves (because they were loved and cared for as children), are less likely to feel flattered by this attention. Their thought process would be along the lines of , so what if some married dude feels a connection with me? WTF? Some married guy is thinking about me, big whoop! Go talk to your wife, loser! You got issues, man! Inner thoughts: STAY AWAY, DUDE'S BAD NEWS! These feelings come in because your loving parents instilled something in you. You know you are worthy of more. You don't need that kind of love. You love yourself. You protect yourself. You keep yourself out of harmful situations and away from shady people. You act towards yourself the way a protective parent would act towards their child.

 

So I think experiences in childhood play a huge part.

 

It affects the way a perceives love & attention and how that love & attention makes them feel. This is what sucks the OW in. The feelings. Feeling loved, wanted, desired.

 

Once she is involved, the coping mechanisms from childhood keep her there. There seems to be so much rationalizing of MM's behavior. Minimizing the wife, maximizing the good. Ignoring his home life. Making assumptions. Projecting your wishes onto his feelings. Believing lies. Pushing down those thoughts. Burying the pain. Disregarding what doesn't make sense. Wishing, dreaming of better circumstances.

 

And finally, the resignation. Just like a child that has no choices, they seem to feel resigned to accept whatever comes their way. The love is that valuable. Disappointment is not a new & scary feeling...they've been conditioned to expect it. Waiting for him to leave his wife? No sweat. They've waited their whole life for someone to love them like this.

 

I feel that these reasons often apply to OW, but also to BW that continually accept unloving behavior from her husband.

 

I apologize for the length, but I felt I had to really elaborate in order for this to resonate to those that it may help.

[Got it]

All, I think we should put the abort/adoption piece to the side. I think the biggest help is getting Tracy to look at what reality is going to look like in each scenario and what is in her best interest. Right now it is all very vague and "I want this" and "I would like this" and "if he does this I will maybe do that" and it isn't focused in the facts.

 

Tracey, you need to decide, are you or are you not going to keep the kid and run through the necessary questions to answer each question. After that you can decide adoption or abortion. But you are running out of time with abortion and hiding it from your parents. You need to get serious, get real, and start acting like an adult. You are in the big leagues now and out of the kiddie pool. You have to get serious.

[Tracylove19]

All, I think we should put the abort/adoption piece to the side. I think the biggest help is getting Tracy to look at what reality is going to look like in each scenario and what is in her best interest. Right now it is all very vague and "I want this" and "I would like this" and "if he does this I will maybe do that" and it isn't focused in the facts.

 

Tracey, you need to decide, are you or are you not going to keep the kid and run through the necessary questions to answer each question. After that you can decide adoption or abortion. But you are running out of time with abortion and hiding it from your parents. You need to get serious, get real, and start acting like an adult. You are in the big leagues now and out of the kiddie pool. You have to get serious.

 

You guys gave me an idea. I wasn't planing even doing this but it seems to have backfired. Well I told him this morning that if I got an abortion I'd tell his wife everything that happened. Well now Ive found out he theeatens to tell everyone about everything and talk **** about me to his circle of friends. I made an appointment I don't want my parents to find out the longer I keep it the more likely they'll find out this whole mess people who matter will find out. I just wish I'd have done it earlier. Where I'm at I can get an abortion tm. So I am not running out of time.

 

 

 

Lets set the adoption or abortion issue aside.

 

This poster is a woman that wants attention and love. She will have a horrendous life with this philosophy and she needs emergency psych care.

 

I am pasting one of the best posts ever in this forum by a lady called Quiet Storm:

 

This should be memorized by al.

 

 

 

I've had a counselor I've seen before I already said I'm completely healthy.

You're still afraid of your own parents. That alone should tell you that you aren't mature enough to be a parent yourself.

 

I just know how they'd act they're overbearing dont listen to me and make their own decisions and put them on me. So I know what they'd act like. And they'd never except me having a baby like this.

Edited March 14, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[LadyGrey]

Did you start having sex with this man when you were still in school Tracy?

 

Sorry if you've answered this previously.

 

Are you really 19 hon?

[LFH]

So why did you sleep with a guy if you weren't ok with dealing with the possible repercussions of sleeping with him?

Before you sleep with someone, why doesn't everyone ask themselves these questions?

1. Would I be happy having my children spent their weekends with this person

2. Would I want to have this persons child?

3. If not, am I prepared to have an abortion or give this child up.

 

It's not rocket science.

My opinion might seem really harsh here, but holy hell.

 

You are meaningless to this guy, you know that right?

[dreamingoftigers]

You guys gave me an idea. I wasn't planing even doing this but it seems to have backfired. Well I told him this morning that if I got an abortion I'd tell his wife everything that happened. Well now Ive found out he theeatens to tell everyone about everything and talk **** about me to his circle of friends. I made an appointment I don't want my parents to find out the longer I keep it the more likely they'll find out this whole mess people who matter will find out. I just wish I'd have done it earlier. Where I'm at I can get an abortion tm. So I am not running out of time.

 

Any child, I'd raise wouldn't end up in prison, but whatever

 

I've had a counselor I've seen before I already said I'm completely healthy.

 

I just know how they'd act they're overbearing dont listen to me and make their own decisions and put them on me. So I know what they'd act like. And they'd never except me having a baby like this.

 

 

Honey, you AREN'T. There's some very deep maturity issues here.

 

I hope that you talk to one of the on-site counselors before you go through with everything so that you make the right decision for you and not under duress.

 

The MM won't talk Sh*t about you.

 

He's scared but he knew how to play your insecurities and back you into a corner.

 

Because you played his.

 

I think you NEED to tell your parents. NOW.

 

If they won't listen call a local distress line. Call someone. An aunt. A church leader. Call the new effing Pope for all I care.

 

Do not make your decision based on this controlling, predator asswipe manipulating you.

 

Find someone to talk to that has your back.

 

You ended up in this affair because you couldn't stand up to something like this. And he knew it.

[veryhappy]

Do not resume any activities with this guy. He might try for sex again once the issue gets solved.

 

His wife should find out. He's borderline creepy, and I don't know if he'd be above having sex with an underage girl. It's disturbing. You should consider telling, if not for you do it to prevent other girls from being his victims.

 

Good luck to you.

[dreamingoftigers]

What is wrong with OP?

 

Probably the fact that her adult mentors talked to her in this manner from Day 1.

 

Wah... Welfare and prison costs for you. I'm sure you'll carry that all but yourself too. If you're so worried about government spending and personal choices, go after unpaid corporate and wall street taxes. Go protest a war. Those are pretty darn expensive. And have a far bigger impact on many more people than one girls youthful, manipulated, awful mistake.

 

Because you never made a single mistake in this life, right?

 

Especially when you were a manipulated youth?

 

There's something more wrong in your presentation than her's.

 

She's 19! (if that)

 

You're close to 40 and just learned for the first time not to stick through with an MM. Lay off, seriously. All you are doing is shaming and blasting OP. and if you couldn't guess, she's already had enough of that from MM.

 

The other posters, regardless of stance seem to care more about the OP and/or OPs baby. Start a thread about balancing your budget and taxes if you want. You're in the wrong place.

Edited March 14, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Tracylove19]

Tracy you haven't answered about your financial state. If you are not financially independent, if you live at home with your parents, that is going to weigh in very heavily here. You are going to need to grow up fast and your life's focus is going to be on this baby.

 

Please, it seems like your focus is on him right now. Don't get lost in the weeds. He is not looking out for your best interest, you need to do that. What is best for you? I do think you should be honest with your parents. You need to tell them what you are thinking and feeling. They need to know who the father is. They seem to be supportive parents who are trying to look out for your best interest. I would engage them in conversation. You can stand firm on the abortion piece if that is your desire, but maybe they can help support you in another scenario. But really think this through, think about what your daily life is going to be like in each scenario, abortion, adoption, or kebeping it and what will that look like.

 

Out of curiosity , what do you envision as the ideal scenario at this point?

 

 

 

I can't really imagine what happens if I kept it honestly like I don't have money or a place outside of my parents. Idk really about raising a baby I don't know ****. Adoption would seem ok if I don't think about it and the road there what my family friends his family all think know and say about and to me. I feel like it'll be a living hell. Abortion, at this point, I'll have to make peace with what I'm going to do maybe later on when I have more kids and I can prove I'm not that bad of a mom for doing this. Maybe I can forget about it. It'll only be less than 2 months pregnant anyhow. I know emotionally idk how that's going to work but logically I at least don't have to worry about all of the above I can nip this in the bud now as far as the negative side to this. Eventually, I have to get over what I did life goes on right?

 

Honey, it doesn't matter if at 14 you looked like Dolly Parton and throwing yourself at him/men. You were a child and it doesn't matter.

 

It really doesn't matter much now either. You are barely and adult and he is at least middle age. I have a father who dates very young women now. As his children, while he isn't married and its legal, we don't agree with it or like it. There is something very predatory and pathetic about it on both ends (as most are dating him for his money).

 

You are just barely a woman. Who is the woman you want to be? What does she look like? What does she do? What does she stand for? What has she accomplished?

I want to be an actress.

 

And no I meant that I looked older. I've actually always been flat chested. Anyway we didn't have sec until I was 19

Traceylove,

I think you need to answer GotIt's questions., either to yourself or write them out here.

 

By answering the questions posed, it should help you w/your decision regarding your pregnancy.

My Dad is AMAZING!!! I wish I could give you the very important example why but it would be too "telling" of who I am here on LS. Needless to say he taught me /showed me in a very unique way what often times happens when young women like yourself get knocked up by a man who won't step up.

I stayed celebit (sp) for a looooooong time because of it

 

He taught me of what it means to be a good H and father. I am SO thankful I had him as my dad and teacher and protector!!

 

 

P.s.... I'm adopted . I found out later in life that had I Not been adopted, I would have had a Loser for a father... I am so blessed that my biological mother had the strength & love for me to Not abort me and to give me to family where I'd have a better & blessed life* I was never "a fetus" to her.

Yeah that's my problem even through it all I still feel like a child is anything under 18 which includes the unborn

 

 

 

Ok,that's enough.

 

You are deciding some MAJOR life decisions, and you're basing it on whether or not this 'man' will keep you as his secret lover. What kind of dream world are you living in? You will be destroying his life by doing this! He will most certainly NEVER even like you after this. AND, whether or not a man will still have sex with you is NO reason to keep a child. In fact it's a terrible reason and displays some very twisted logic. You NEED therapy. You have serious issues with relationships.

 

I'm really disturbed reading that you'll only keep the baby if he stays in your life. He will be forced to give you money, but that's it. You're actually talking about blackmailing him. You'll keep it a secret if he keeps seeing you. If not, you'll tell his wife. I can't say I've EVER seen such selfish behavior.

 

You are talking about a CHILD. A REAL PERSON. How on earth can you think of keeping a child only because it may keep a man in your life? A child is NOT an accessory. It is a lifelong commitment. Just look at you! You are 19 and incapable of making a major decision. This child will be NO different. Your youth ends the day this child is born, end of story. What seems like fun and games is not - it's life. So for at least 19 years you will be responsible for another person, and you aren't yet capable of being responsible for yourself.

 

Wake up, NOW. You don't have a year to make this decision. Get your head out of the clouds and decide what you are doing. Do NOT base it on him because he's not worth it. Base it on YOU. What do you have to offer a child? What kind of life will this child have? His mommy is a secret to his brothers. How nice for your kid.

 

This is really horrible. I don't care at all if you get an abortion or give the child up for adoption, but based on what I've read here, you'd be keeping this child for the worst of reasons - to keep a man.

 

Many married couples have had children hoping it would make things better. It doesn't - it makes things harder. Why the hell would it make your situation better? You had sex with a man who now probably prays you get hit by a bus so this nightmare ends. He brought this on himself so I have no sympathy for him, but lets be honest - he wants this all to go away. He didn't talk to you after you had sex. That's a sign - he is NOT interested in a relationship with you. He got what he wanted.

 

MAKE A DECISION, and do it based on the best interests of the child, not based on some fantasy you have that will NEVER happen.

 

I have more to say but all ill say is I wasn't planing to have a baby for him but an abortion. And I guess your advice really has led me to be stuck with making a decision. But, that's life.

[LadyGrey]

Did you start having sex with this man when you were still in school Tracy?

 

Sorry if you've answered this previously.

 

Are you really 19 hon?

 

I don't know but my spidey senses are telling me that this poster might not be the age she claims at all and I am questioning if this is really an affair, I'm afraid it might be sexual abuse.

 

If I am right, please confide in someone that can help you navigate this and see it for what it really is, which is sexual abuse, not an affair.