In-laws are overbearing and controlling

[LeGenDary_Man]

@lora22

 

You will find my advice very different from others. I hope that it offers you a UNIQUE perspective of the situation that you find yourself in.

 

On the basis of your disclosures, I "assume" that you have a loving and sympathetic husband. And this is the MOST IMPORTANT thing for you.

 

Please keep in mind that no matter how much your husband supports you; he cannot ditch his parents either. He will continue to LOVE them and YOU simultaneously.

 

Complications with in-laws is not an uncommon phenomenon. Smart people learn to COPE with them. If you cannot get along with your in-laws well enough, the best course of action is to LIMIT your contact with them. However, when you do get to face/meet them; do RESPECT them. OLD people are always HARDER to change. This doesn't means that we stop caring for them and/or hurt their feelings.

 

B/W I am surprised at some of the responses that you got in this thread; people are TOO judgmental and short-tempered these days.

 

FIL never used to treat me that way. Plus FIL I think is resentful of other things, such as when he asked H how much $ I make and H told him it's none of his business, and refused to tell FIL despite the fact that he was insisting (who does that? and what does he care?).

To be honest, this is not much of an issue. Disclosing your income (even in vague manner) to your FIL is NOT a BIG issue. He is your FIL; not some STRANGER.

 

We do our best to curb the nagging, but keep in mind that my husband loves his parents, wants to spend time with them (in part because they are getting older - his mom has health problems and his dad is in his 70s), and he was raised with them nagging him. I don't think it bothers him as much as it bothers me. I did not grow up with parents who are intrusive (or "open" is H's word - see, raised differently ) or who nagged. But, it seems like they turn everything around into either nagging me/him/us about something, or else if I somehow state an opinion or preference on ANYTHING, one or the other of them will disagree with me and start telling me how I'm wrong. So no matter how we change the subject, it is ongoing. This probably bothered me so much when they came over because it was just the four of us, and they stayed for such a long time. I can deal with it for 2 or 3 hours once a month, or in a more social setting where I can avoid them more or other people are distracting them.

Your concern is understandable; however, learn to OVERLOOK their faults. If you face an argument then you may respond by saying that "I respect your POV but I am entitled to mine as well" and move on.

 

The black highlighted part (above) suggests to me that "confrontational behavior" is not going to help your case. Their might be some reasons behind increase in display of resentment from your FIL. I am not trying to vouch for his behavior but you SPECIALLY need to do some SELF-ANALYSIS. Maybe, you find your in-laws confusing and some of yours or your husbands responses to them (concerning you) may have added to the resentment factor?

 

For instance, they are nagging and annoying me, so I will change the subject by asking who a doctor appointment went. After briefly answering the question, MIL will start nagging H about his blood sugar level, cholesterol level, when was the last time he went to the doctor, what kind of insurance plan does he have...and with that FIL will start in on am I on H's insurance, and how much does he pay a month for me to be on his insurance, and what is our co-pay, and do we have enough car insurance, and what kind, and why don't we have umbrella coverage, and we HAVE to use their insurance agent to get a better deal on the insurance THEY want us to have...they can literally do that to any topic you can think of.

If an argument concerning your husband arises; politely tell them that your husband may answer these questions himself.

 

Or, when MIL asks me about the home renovations we are doing and I tell her that we are going to put a new vanity in the bathroom "You're going to replace the sink too, right?" (when she says things like that I always want to respond with "Are you paying for it?"); and then she tells me where I HAVE to go to buy a vanity, and I HAVE to get one that's on special; and she insists that we have to pay someone else to come install it for us, and will always say something snotty when we tell her that's not going to happen, like "<sniff> well I can't wait to see you do that".

 

Or, they will ask us if we have a Christmas tree, and then they will ask how much the trees we looked at were going for, and then they'll be shocked and appalled and insist that we drive 50 miles out of our way to get a cheaper tree.

 

Or, in the course of a conversation I might say that I don't think there's anything wrong with not breastfeeding a baby, and MIL will spend the next 20 minutes telling me I'm wrong and breastfeeding is so much better, blah blah blah blah. H wasn't even breastfed!

 

I could sit here all day giving examples so I'll stop

 

They assuredly won't be invited over again anytime soon, which his mother is aware of, as she made a comment about it when I finally went to bed while they were still here. FIL said we had to have them over again soon and MIL (jokingly) said that they wouldn't be invited again because they don't leave and I said damn straight. Well not quite that bluntly, but I made it clear that she might be joking, but she was spot on.

 

And we do tell them "No we're not doing that" or "That's none of your business" or whatever, but they sometimes push back, or restate their position and so every time we see them I am left feeling like we just argued for 3 hours. The best is when we can get them telling stories about the past because then they get distracted, but that doesn't always work. And again, my husband has lived with this for almost 4 decades, so he thinks they are a little crazy, but that is just the status quo for him.

Learn to IGNORE their rants; they are OLD people. They might also be DEPRESSED due to age factor and such. You never know.

 

You are probably a GOOD WIFE to your husband and this gives him strength to pull on. Good luck.

Edited March 21, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[Wolfcub]

Anyways, I was talking to my mom about this yesterday, and she told me that at our wedding reception, my FIL told her and my dad that he is the "supreme ruler of the family" and that all decisions in the family have to go through him because he makes the decisions for everyone. So at least I know that my assessment of him is spot on.

Let him be the supreme ruler (isn't that funny as it stands?) of the family, but of his family! He has not noticed that there are at least 2 if not 3 families: his, his son's and your parent's family. So its a Balkan thing. In the Baltics, you know - more to the North, he would be told to check the opening times of the lunatics asylium.

 

And I totally disagree with Legendaryman - old age, depression, bad health and whatnot are just bad excuses. There are many old parents around and most are not that rude! Actually when I opened the thread I thought it will be about something that can be called misunderstanding or one of the sides beeing more sensitive than the other but this is terrible.

[LeGenDary_Man]

Let him be the supreme ruler (isn't that funny as it stands?) of the family, but of his family! He has not noticed that there are at least 2 if not 3 families: his, his son's and your parent's family. So its a Balkan thing. In the Baltics, you know - more to the North, he would be told to check the opening times of the lunatics asylium.

 

And I totally disagree with Legendaryman - old age, depression, bad health and whatnot are just bad excuses. There are many old parents around and most are not that rude! Actually when I opened the thread I thought it will be about something that can be called misunderstanding or one of the sides beeing more sensitive than the other but this is terrible.

You totally disagree with me based on what; a "one-sided perspective of the in-laws of a family" in this thread? Please keep in mind that we do not know the WHOLE STORY here.

 

Yes, OLD people (parents) can be stubborn and harsh but this doesn't means that they are devoid of feelings.

 

I have sympathized with OP in this thread (she wants to be respected by her in-laws which is totally understandable) but she should also understand that her husband cannot totally ignore/ditch his parents for her sake. Blood relations are always thick.

 

Now if the concerned in-laws are such "monstrous personalities," how come they have functioned as a family and raised such a good son?

 

I think that OP needs to do some self-analysis as well; she should RESPECT her "in-laws" at minimum and try to be friendly with them for a change instead of being confrontational when she meets them. I know that this is HARD to practice but then people have COPED with "tough" in-laws worldwide. Of-course, OP and her husband can choose to LIMIT their meetings with the husband's parents.

 

Disclosures such as these:

 

"Plus FIL I think is resentful of other things, such as when he asked H how much $ I make and H told him it's none of his business, and refused to tell FIL despite the fact that he was insisting (who does that? and what does he care?)."

 

-indicate arguments over even petty issues in this extended family. This is not a good sign.

 

This whole sensitivity level should be toned down a little.

Edited March 22, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[kristismiles]

I am surprised by all your responses. I don't see arriving early to your house as a problem at all. My parents and my husbands parents are always welcome in my home. We are family. They can entertain themselves and help themselves to whatever while we finish getting ready.

 

By the sounds of your mother in law I wonder if your husband is telling the truth about the home ownership. I think you need to ask your inlaws what they meant by that comment. Be worried about home repairs and insurance coverage sounds to me like they have something invested in your home. Ask them? Ask them nicely what they meant that they own half the home.

[Nyla]

Income is a personal topic that parents do not need to know about. When my mother presses me for such information, I just tell her that I like to keep certain things to myself.

 

I'm all for respecting in-laws, but I don't think that the OP should bow down and tolerate everything from her husband's parents just because they are old. The whole "blood is thicker" argument is nonsense because the new family unit takes precedence over the family of origin. Any husband or wife who wants to please parents over their spouse has no business being married. Marriage is for adults and not mama's boys. LeGenDary_Man, it sounds like you think that only the in-laws feelings are important which is very wrong.

 

I respect my MIL by not telling her what I really think of her behavior so as not to cause a rift. My husband's family lives far away so I call my in-laws once a mother just to say hi and check in. I graciously accept any gifts even if I don't like them because at least my MIL thought of me.

 

Sometimes parents can be nasty and cruel, yet still raise good kids who are dysfunctional in different ways. The kids often obey out of fear and get away from their parents as soon as possible. My husband has an awful mother who is emotionally abusive but he also has a very loving dad. I have a sweet and loving dad but a terrible mother who wants to be my friend now out of guilt.

 

I wouldn't want my parents at my home unless they called first. My husband and I could be busy making love! Maybe the OP is accustomed to certain etiquette and the early arrivals seem intrusive to her.

Edited March 22, 2013 by Nyla

[Nyla]

Loving and wanting to see his parents does not make my husband disloyal to me. My husband gets a hard enough time from his parents without me telling him he has to pick either me or them.

 

I was not referring to the fact that your husband wants to see his parents.

 

My statement was about the fact that he refuses to get on the same page with you concerning his parents and does not validate your concerns.

 

"H loves his parents, and while he thinks that they are crazy and he gets annoyed or angry at them sometimes, I don't think he has the same reaction, or understands just how crazy and inappropriate they are, because he has never known anything else. He tries to frame their behavior as they love us and are like to feel needed."

 

If your husband was willing to truly enforce boundaries with his parents, you would not be posting a rant about their behavior.

 

My eldest bro is unhappily single and childless. One of the main reasons is that he is a mama's boy who runs to our mother with every detail of his life and he is too scared of my mom. She is very intrusive and bossy. Women don't want a MIL like that or a son who just meekly tolerates everything his mother dishes out.

Edited March 22, 2013 by Nyla

[lora22]

We are not the ones who are confrontational. Politely evading a personal question is respectful. Attacking and berrating my husband because he did so is confrontational.

 

I am nothing but kind an respectful to my in-laws.

My FIL's attitude toward me changed when we got married and I didn't bow down to him.

 

My in-laws do not have any kind of ownership or stake in our house, unless you count their dubious gift of cash to my husband. My name is on the deed and mortgage with my husband's, not theirs. Not have they ever been on either.

Edited March 22, 2013 by lora22

[lora22]

I am surprised by all your responses. I don't see arriving early to your house as a problem at all. My parents and my husbands parents are always welcome in my home. We are family. They can entertain themselves and help themselves to whatever while we finish getting ready.

 

By the sounds of your mother in law I wonder if your husband is telling the truth about the home ownership. I think you need to ask your inlaws what they meant by that comment. Be worried about home repairs and insurance coverage sounds to me like they have something invested in your home. Ask them? Ask them nicely what they meant that they own half the home.

 

If it wasn't so painful to spend time with them the in-laws would be welcome to come over early, within reason. We need time alone too, which we rarely get.

[LeGenDary_Man]

Income is a personal topic that parents do not need to know about. When my mother presses me for such information, I just tell her that I like to keep certain things to myself.

This is your perception. People do like to maintain some privacy but "income" is not such kind of information which many will find it difficult/objectionable to share with their own parents at minimum. It depends upon how much you weigh family values.

 

Heck, several of your co-workers in your employer firm may know your income. So what is so personal about it?

 

Yes, many people (including me) may not disclose this information to PURE STRANGERS.

 

I'm all for respecting in-laws, but I don't think that the OP should bow down and tolerate everything from her husband's parents just because they are old. The whole "blood is thicker" argument is nonsense because the new family unit takes precedence over the family of origin. Any husband or wife who wants to please parents over their spouse has no business being married. Marriage is for adults and not mama's boys. LeGenDary_Man, it sounds like you think that only the in-laws feelings are important which is very wrong.

I think that you misunderstood my point. I have advised OP to figure out a way to MINIMIZE her meetings with her in-laws ((by consulting her husband on this), if she feels that they berate her too much. Her husband understands and sympathizes with her position on this which is GOOD for her. However, my point is that CONFRONTATIONAL approach with in-laws is not going to HELP her situation when she happens to MEET them. Respect of elders is not a bad thing; it is difficult to knock sense in to ELDERS, specially if they have stubborn tendencies. Fact.

 

I respect my MIL by not telling her what I really think of her behavior so as not to cause a rift.

Well, this is EXACTLY what I am saying.

 

My husband's family lives far away so I call my in-laws once a mother just to say hi and check in. I graciously accept any gifts even if I don't like them because at least my MIL thought of me.

See? You do sound like a MATURE woman.

 

Their are certain methods to minimize social frictions with in-laws. For example: OP can consider sending some gifts to her in-laws during special occasions, even if she plans to not MEET them frequently. Trust me! These kind of gestures can make difference.

 

Sometimes parents can be nasty and cruel, yet still raise good kids who are dysfunctional in different ways. The kids often obey out of fear and get away from their parents as soon as possible. My husband has an awful mother who is emotionally abusive but he also has a very loving dad. I have a sweet and loving dad but a terrible mother who wants to be my friend now out of guilt.

You may find my disclosure surprising; this is COMMON in many families.

 

My father have been a "tough/difficult" man; while my mother is very "sweet." But I LOVE both of them; both of my parents desired the BEST of me.

 

I wouldn't want my parents at my home unless they called first. My husband and I could be busy making love! Maybe the OP is accustomed to certain etiquette and the early arrivals seem intrusive to her.

Well, no comments here.

 

If it wasn't so painful to spend time with them the in-laws would be welcome to come over early, within reason. We need time alone too, which we rarely get.

Well, this is understandable point. I hope that you and your husband find ways to spare more time for each other alone.

Edited March 22, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[lora22]

This is your perception. People do like to maintain some privacy but "income" is not such kind of information which many will find it difficult/objectionable to share with their own parents at minimum. It depends upon how much you weigh family values.

 

Heck, several of your co-workers in your employer firm may know your income. So what is so personal about it?

 

Yes, many people (including me) may not disclose this information to PURE STRANGERS.

 

 

 

People may feel differently about this specific issue about money. I think the point is that, regardless of people having a difference of opinion on whether this is personal information, everyone needs to respect everyone else's perspective on this.

 

i.e., I think it is personal and not their business. My own family has never even asked me how much I make. Being respectful of the in-laws, who think this is their business is not telling them to f off, and instead politely avoiding the question.

 

If my in-laws were respectful, they would take the hint, and drop it, rather than insisting they be told, and getting more and more aggressive and rude until my husband snapped and bluntly told them it's not their business.

 

I suspect my in-laws know that it is not their business, because when they ask about personal things about me, they do not ask me. They ask H when I am not around. Also, they are not open about how much they make, or any other information that is generally regarded to be private and personal.

[Nyla]

We are not the ones who are confrontational. Politely evading a personal question is respectful. Attacking and berrating my husband because he did so is confrontational.

 

I am nothing but kind an respectful to my in-laws.

My FIL's attitude toward me changed when we got married and I didn't bow down to him.

 

My in-laws do not have any kind of ownership or stake in our house, unless you count their dubious gift of cash to my husband. My name is on the deed and mortgage with my husband's, not theirs. Not have they ever been on either.

 

I agree that you have not been confrontational.

 

Pay no attention to those who think you are completely in the wrong for not kissing your in-laws asses.

 

While your in-laws do not have ownership or stake in your house, they obviously feel that the "gift" entitles them to run your life and that is unfair and manipulative.

[Nyla]

People may feel differently about this specific issue about money. I think the point is that, regardless of people having a difference of opinion on whether this is personal information, everyone needs to respect everyone else's perspective on this.

 

i.e., I think it is personal and not their business. My own family has never even asked me how much I make. Being respectful of the in-laws, who think this is their business is not telling them to f off, and instead politely avoiding the question.

 

If my in-laws were respectful, they would take the hint, and drop it, rather than insisting they be told, and getting more and more aggressive and rude until my husband snapped and bluntly told them it's not their business.

 

I suspect my in-laws know that it is not their business, because when they ask about personal things about me, they do not ask me. They ask H when I am not around. Also, they are not open about how much they make, or any other information that is generally regarded to be private and personal.

 

My mother attempts to get info about my husband through me as well. I don't give her any information and I hope that your husband doesn't disclose things that both of you have agreed to keep private. Does he?

 

Pumping people for information after they have declined to provide it is rude and obnoxious.

 

I understand that parents will sometimes be controlling, because they no longer feel needed and included in their adult children's lives. This doesn't make the nosy behavior acceptable.

[LeGenDary_Man]

I agree that you have not been confrontational.

 

Pay no attention to those who think you are completely in the wrong for not kissing your in-laws asses.

 

While your in-laws do not have ownership or stake in your house, they obviously feel that the "gift" entitles them to run your life and that is unfair and manipulative.

Pay attention to these disclosures from OP:

 

"We do our best to curb the nagging, but keep in mind that my husband loves his parents, wants to spend time with them (in part because they are getting older - his mom has health problems and his dad is in his 70s), and he was raised with them nagging him. I don't think it bothers him as much as it bothers me. I did not grow up with parents who are intrusive (or "open" is H's word - see, raised differently ) or who nagged."

 

&

 

"And we do tell them "No we're not doing that" or "That's none of your business" or whatever, but they sometimes push back, or restate their position and so every time we see them I am left feeling like we just argued for 3 hours. The best is when we can get them telling stories about the past because then they get distracted, but that doesn't always work. And again, my husband has lived with this for almost 4 decades, so he thinks they are a little crazy, but that is just the status quo for him."

 

Point is that OP have experienced a different kind of brought-up environment then her husband. Now since OP is married to this man; she is finding it nearly impossible to cope with the behavior of her in-laws.

 

Issue here is that in an extended family where individuals are reluctant to disclose even their monthly earnings to their elders; how can these individuals get along with their elders?

 

You can be vague about disclosing your personal matters, if not precise. I am not saying that OP is at fault here but she IS being stubborn as well just like her in-laws and this is not helping her situation.

 

So what is the SOLUTION as per you;

 

a) OP's husband should cut off his parents from his life so that his wife shouldn't experience anymore nagging and such?

 

b) OP, along with her husband, should mutually decide on how to handle her in-laws in delicate manner in which they may also feel cared but NOT pampered by limiting meetings with them?

Edited March 30, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[Nyla]

Pay attention to these disclosures from OP:

 

"We do our best to curb the nagging, but keep in mind that my husband loves his parents, wants to spend time with them (in part because they are getting older - his mom has health problems and his dad is in his 70s), and he was raised with them nagging him. I don't think it bothers him as much as it bothers me. I did not grow up with parents who are intrusive (or "open" is H's word - see, raised differently ) or who nagged."

 

&

 

"And we do tell them "No we're not doing that" or "That's none of your business" or whatever, but they sometimes push back, or restate their position and so every time we see them I am left feeling like we just argued for 3 hours. The best is when we can get them telling stories about the past because then they get distracted, but that doesn't always work. And again, my husband has lived with this for almost 4 decades, so he thinks they are a little crazy, but that is just the status quo for him."

 

Point is that OP have experienced a different kind of brought-up environment then her husband. Now since OP is married to this man; she is finding it nearly impossible to cope with the behavior of her in-laws.

 

Issue here is that in an extended family where individuals are reluctant to disclose even their monthly earnings to their elders; how can these individuals get along with their elders?

 

You can be vague about disclosing your personal matters, if not precise. I am not saying that OP is at fault here but she IS being stubborn as well just like her in-laws and this is not helping her situation.

 

So what is the SOLUTION as per you;

 

a) OP's husband should cut off his parents from his life so that his wife shouldn't experience anymore nagging and such?

 

b) OP, along with her husband, should mutually decide on how to handle her in-laws in delicate manner in which they may also feel cared but NOT pampered by limiting meetings with them?

 

Why is it impossible to get along with elders just because adult kids don't want to share certain things with them? Parents do not need to know everything, especially when it comes to personal issues.

 

Most people feel that money is a private and sensitive topic. I don't disclose salary information to my mother, even though she asks for it. I would never ask someone what their home cost or what their income is.

 

I prefer option B since cutting off family should be reserved for huge issues like abuse IMO.

[Radu]

Just want to point something out, in some cultures it is ok to ask in the family 'how much do you make'.

It's not seen as agressive, though westerners have different opinions on this.

[Nyla]

I agree with the cultural issue. However, if the OP has expressed that she is not comfortable with questions about her income her boundaries should be respected.

[lora22]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Issue here is that in an extended family where individuals are reluctant to disclose even their monthly earnings to their elders; how can these individuals get along with their elders?

 

You can be vague about disclosing your personal matters, if not precise. I am not saying that OP is at fault here but she IS being stubborn as well just like her in-laws and this is not helping her situation.

 

 

 

Everything is relative. My FIL would probably be reluctant to disclose something as trivial as his sex life or what goes on in the bathroom. In fact he might even think it was offensive if me to ask, let alone press the issue.

[Almond_Joy]

Disclaimer: mostly I'm here to vent and this will probably be a long post. I know the solution is to set boundaries. We've been married about 1.5 years, and since then some boundaries have been set by my husband, but his parents continuously ignore them and he continuously does his best to set them. So, here comes the venting.

 

Mostly I am 90% happy with the boundaries my husband and I have agreed on, but every once in awhile there is a specific situation that triggers all my old resentments and annoyance and to be perfectly honest I really dislike them sometimes when these things happen.

 

I invited H's parents over to our house for dinner the other day. They came an hour early (rude - they think we don't have anything to do except spend time with them...that's another rant though). The nagging started immediately, but it was a very low level, so mostly I brushed it off and pretended that it wasn't happening. However, it got progressively worse throughout the entire night. It was incessant and even aggressive at some points. My FIL actually started getting a tone with me at one point on something that he just would not let go, despite H telling him to stop because he was being way too intense. They were nagging us about our house and my husband's car to the point where it actually seemed to me that they were being possessive, and acting like we were mistreating or neglecting their property.

 

One specific thing was said that was not nagging, but I thought was a little inappropriate and irritated me. MIL started to help clear the table after dinner, and I told her to have a seat because she was a guest and I would clean up. FIL started laughing and said "She's not a guest, she half owns this house."

 

The other thing that really pissed me off about the night is not only did they come over early, then they wouldn't leave!! After dinner, FIL turned on our tv and started watching a boxing match. He is the only person who enjoys boxing. So, eventually it was getting late and we wanted them to leave. First, I made coffee, which is the universal sign for "it's time for you to leave". When that didn't work, I started cleaning up the kitchen and doing the dishes. When all that was done H started talking about how early we have to get up in the morning. He told his parents that we go to bed at a specific time that was in about 15 minutes. That didn't work either. I took out the trash. We went upstairs to make our bed, and so on. Throughout all of this, we kept talking about how we were going to bed. Finally, his dad said that that was fine, that they would turn off the lights and lock up after themselves when they left!! They RARELY come to our house, and before H met me his parents NEVER came over, and they should not feel comfortable suggesting that or doing that.

 

After a few days I asked my husband a couple questions about it. Specifically, I asked if his parents had given him money for a downpayment or something on the house. H bought the house a decade ago, before we ever knew each other, but I know that they are not on the mortgage or the deed. It came out that his parents had given his sister a gift of $50k for something, and they felt bad to not do the same for him, so they gave him $50k toward the downpayment on the house. We live in an $800k house, and have an enormous chunk of equity in it, but apparently giving him $50k AS A GIFT THAT HE CHOSE TO USE TOWARD A DOWNPAYMENT entitles them to 50% of our house, and the right to act like complete jackasses. I know for a fact they don't act like that at their daughter's house (whose husband owns it, won't put anything in her name, and won't let her pay a cent toward the mortgage or any of the household bills).

 

I want to write them a check for $50k but H won't let me, because they wouldn't accept it (I know he's right), and on top of that they would be insulted. Plus, H didn't say this, but I suspect that they would never give up the feeling of control and entitlement that that $50k gift gives them.

 

OK, I'm done.

 

I say give them the check for 50K and let them be offended to be given it back. Explain to them that the money they gave of their own free will to their son does not entitle them to run rampant in your house whenever they feel like it, and if that's how they view it - their's their money back, so they have no further claim. They can be butthurt as long as they want to, but that's just disrespectul what they're doing.

 

My mom was that way for a long time - if she put her money towards something then her say was final or more important in whatever the investment was. As soon as I got a job and started buying things for the house and taking care of the bills all the wind from that overbearing sail of hers died right down .