Why am I so unlucky that my live-in boyfriend had to leave me because of it

[sunshine001]

We had a wonderful relationship. At least I. We met, fell in love and he wanted to move in with me. I was thrilled because I was so in love with him. I had never been in love with any man as much as I was with him. We moved in after 3 months of dating. After moving in I realised he started being less and less romantic and started taking my time for granted. As in, he would want to hang out with his friends till 12 am or 1 am in the night whereas I had to go to work the next day (wake up at 6.30 am) and wanted to go home and go to sleep. He would wake up at 8 or 9 am so it was ok for him. Little things here and there.. I felt not very respected by him, although I loved him and did everything to accommodate, a point came where I asked him to accommodate and always felt he made excuses.

 

4 months after living in with him I met with a tragedy where I was attacked by a homeless man on the streets and about to be raped but someone came and saved me and I wasn't raped. That tragedy had a tremendous impact on me. It changed my life in a way I started to get depressed. My biggest mistake was that I didn't tell him about what exactly happened and insisted on just moving out that neighbourhood. We lived around the tenderloin neighbourhood of San Francisco which is known for crimes. The flat we lived in was great but just not good enough for me as I was constantly afraid of getting out of the apartment. And in spite of that the flat was not enough for two people anyways and I felt we could live in a better neighbourhood for the same rent. Me not telling him about the attack in detail was the major problem. The reason I didn't tell him was because I didn't want to look like a victim may be. And at that time we were already going through a rough time (with me being upset about him taking things for granted, not giving me enough time, fighting) and I almost felt like he would walk out of the relationship so I didn't feel comfortable sharing that information with him. I got really upset after the attack and in a way blamed him for living in such a crazy neighbourhood (but still didn't tell him the whole story except that I was attacked and I made up some story to not look like I was attacked very badly and was going to be raped and the guy who saved me called the cops - I did not tell him any of that).

 

After a couple days decided to drive to Napa alone for a vacation as I wanted to get away, alone. He followed me and didn't let me go even when I told him I want to go alone. He came by and I took out the brunt on him as I was depressed. After coming back we had a huge fight and he wanted to break up. I pleaded him to give me a chance and told him what happened and everything related to the attack. He still didn't budge and still wanted to break up. Eventually he gave in and gave me another chance. We went on for 5 months. But I was not happy. I was not happy living in a chance. I wanted him to love me as much as I loved him. Time and again I would ask him "Do you think it is wise to continue while you are still just giving me a chance? I don't want a chance. I love you and I want you to love me too. If it's a chance then I'd rather break up".

 

Breaking up seemed much better to me as I hated being given a chance out of pity than being loved. I brought up the breaking up topic quite often as I got quite insecure. Out of our on and off fights, we decided to go to Europe together for Christmas where his family lives. It was his trip and I joined him and I should not have. The whole trip it felt like he wanted to be alone and that I was just a hindrance. I got more depressed and felt abandoned. We fought again. By the end of the trip I felt like he is not happy with me and I told him that I am breaking up with him. Although I loved him and I still love him so much. That was the last straw for him. He eventually forced me to move out of his apartment within 2 weeks of coming back from our Europe trip. I moved out, called him constantly, emailed him and begged him to take me back for almost a month (all of February). Come March 13th, as of now, I am tired of it. I wanted to be loved. I didn't want to be abandoned. I didn't need him to save me but be there for me, love me. We planned on having a future together, having kids, getting married. All of that is gone. Well, my dream of spending the rest of my life with him is over. And I don't know where I will start again and how.

 

I feel very unlucky for whatever we went through. I blame myself so much. I sometimes wish he didn't give me a chance and that he loved me the way I loved him but it is too late. Why am I so unlucky? I cannot ever have him back as it is over for him. But I cannot help but look back. If I would have been a little more patient and would have put up a little more we could have thrived. I regret it and can't help but type my entire story here.

 

I don't know where to go from here and what else to do... I am so sad that my relationship with him ended. At present I am dealing and moving on from the attack and I have lost him too..

 

I apologise my post is so long...

[Janesays]

I know you don't believe this now, but this break up was for the best. You two were ultimately not compatible. I thought my world was ending when my husband asked for divorce. But I'm engaged to be married now to a man who fits me 100 times better and couldn't be happier. Sometimes life punches you in the gut before it gives you everything you ever wanted.

 

I'm going to suggest counseling and maybe even anti depressants. Not as a life long thing, but you just went through two very traumatic things and a boost in seratonin might do you some good.

[wild wolf]

Brutal honesty? This whole post was a lot of "I", "me" and playing the victim. I am not refering to the incident with the homeless man as that was awful for you. I am talking about everything else. You don't have to go out with him and his friends staying up late. In fact, I bet he wished sometimes you didn't. Its guy time.

 

And you say you feel like he wanted to be alone on your trip to Europe. Maybe you percieved that because he was busy with family and friends. It can't be about your needs and feelings all the time. You come off needy in this post.

 

This breakup is a good thing. I think you need to get some counseling to deal with the incident and work on yourself before getting involved with someone. Best of luck.