brendan670 Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Last night I got off work at 5 and asked her if she wanted to go out for ice cream, and she said that she coudn't because she promised Ben (her new "friend") that she would take him out to eat for his birthday. I told her ok but we need to have a talk about the situation. At ten oclock she was still with him and that they were watching a movie. At this poSo the last week or two my girlfriend of 1.5 years befriended another guy. I didn't think much of it at first but last weekend we were all hanging out and i noticed he really seemed to be flirting with her. I told her how I feel about him after he left and she assured me nothing is going on between them and they are just friends. About the same time I noticed she became really protective of her cell phone.(I have never gone through her phone before) int I lost it. She said she didnt see the big deal about it because there were other people there, but she wouldnt let me come over because she was scared me and him would get in a fight. she told me that she doesnt want anything more than a friendship with him and she knows hes an ******* to women. She then told me that she thinks we should take a break, and that the past few months I havent been the person she fell in love with. I don't know what to do because 6 months ago we moved to a different city together (different apts) and I dont really have any friends here because I spend so much time with her, and I work at a small shop and the closest person to my age there is 30 years older than me. this morning I Got a box together with all her stuff and brought it to her. I was hoping it would make her realize what shes doing. I asked her what the chances of us getting back together and she said 90%, but its hard to trust that when she told me she hasn't really loved me the past few months. I told her that when she decided what she want to call me and let me know either way. I dont know what to do because this was both of our first real relationship, and gave each other our virginities. I dont plan on contacting her at all and giving her space, hoping that she will realize she misses me. Any advice on what to do to make sure she comes back?
Cogee Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Sorry to hear, but I think it's way past the point of no return. Have to laugh at that 90% figure though.
TigerCub Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 I'm so sorry Losing your first love is devastating. But you are doing the right thing by not pleading for her back and saying that you will not contact her for a while at least. Stay strong, and take this time apart to actually go out more and make some friends and develop your own social circle. I know it's hard now but stay positive and take care of you! **HUGS**
Chi townD Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Break equals breaking up. She's hooking up with this guy or wants to. I mean, she blew you off to spend and evening with him. Come on dude! The writing is on the wall. She's going to tell you that he's a friend, just a friend and nothing more than a friend. She's got to say that because she's dating you. Now, she's not. Guess who isn't a friend anymore. Time to walk away. Hold your head up high and go completely dark on her. Total NC. She's gonna start feeling guilty in a while and reach out to you with texts like, "I miss talking to you", or "I really miss your friendship"....blah....blah.. Those are just breadcrumbs. DO NOT RESPOND! Post here instead. We'll talk you through it. Remember she's dropping you for this other douche rocket. Don't kid yourself. Time to heal and move on.
TheWeeknd Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 If I were you I would agree to the break with her and tell her that you think a break is probably the best for the relationship right now and that for the past few months you have been seeing the relationship go in a bad direction. Tell her that it is best if the both of you guys take the time now to reflect on the relationship to see where it will head. This will let her know that you are not afraid of losing her and that you are a male of high social value with many options. When you let her know you agree with the break, she will see you in a different light. Right now she sees it as "hmmm I am going to use a break as a way to see how life would be without him." He will just wait forever for me while I am on this break so I have no worries. When you let her know that you agree with the break, it shifts the balance of power to something you both will have to talk about later on and not having the power shift 100% in her direction since she wanted the break.
Author brendan670 Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 what do you mean past the point of return? This morning before we exchanged belongings, she texted me and I told her it just seems like a way of trying to let me down easy. She told me "No im serious, I already want you back but i know i cant. I think if we just take a break it will be better"
Cogee Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 what do you mean past the point of return? This morning before we exchanged belongings, she texted me and I told her it just seems like a way of trying to let me down easy. She told me "No im serious, I already want you back but i know i cant. I think if we just take a break it will be better" She has been fooling around with another guy already and trying to hide it from you. You are actually very lucky here because her last response will let you leave with the high ground completely secure. TheWeeknd is right, you need to now tell her that it is completely over. Tell her that the idea of a break is completely disrespectful to you and you will not stand for it. Then say goodbye and go strict no contact no matter what she says to you.
Chi townD Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Yeah, she'll want you back. After she's done playing with the douche rocket. She said it herself, this guy is an assh*le to women. So, she knows he isn't long term material. But, it's not stopping her from wanting to sample the goods. This reminds me of a quote, " Two things that man can't figure out. Why is there the existance of black holes and why girls date total douche bags." Dude, you are NOT her back up plan and you are NOT her second choice. I bet if you stated, "Okay, were on a break, but while we're on a break, we stay exclusive to each other. No dating other people and no cheating." Betcha she won't agree to the or lie to you. 90 percent, really? If it were 90 percent, then there's NO REASON to take a break in the first place!
Author brendan670 Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 also, this probably sounds really stupid to ask, but i've never been in this situation before. Should I change my relationship status on FB to single? I know it probably seems really immature of me to ask, but idk how girls think and I cant even think straight right now im still in shock on the whole situation. All i want is to have her back.
Chi townD Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 I say change it. She made the choice to have you OUT of her life right now. As it stands, you are nothing to her right now. Not boyfriend and girlfriend, not lovers...nothing. And while you're at it, block her from your Facebook. I guarantee you that you're going to see pics of them together on her page. She'll still stick to " We're just friends"...blah...blah... But, it will drive you bat sh*t crazy. So, block her. You don't need to see that crap.
Cogee Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 There are no stupid questions here, we all have to learn at some point. FB status from "In a relationship" to "Single" is very powerful as it activates your social support network immediately. You will get people messaging you asking what happened and offering to take you out for some fun. It can help you to move on. I would do it if I were in your position but you personally haven't ended things with her yet so you should probably wait until you break it off.
Chi townD Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 There are no stupid questions here, we all have to learn at some point. FB status from "In a relationship" to "Single" is very powerful as it activates your social support network immediately. You will get people messaging you asking what happened and offering to take you out for some fun. It can help you to move on. I would do it if I were in your position but you personally haven't ended things with her yet so you should probably wait until you break it off. Am I missing something here? Not bashing on you but she broke it off with him and they've exchanged their stuff. That's a pretty cut and dry representation on broken up in my book.
Author brendan670 Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 well it was my idea to exchange stuff because i cant stand seeing her stuff and and being reminded about the situation. when i brought it up to her she started crying im so confused..
Cogee Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Am I missing something here? Not bashing on you but she broke it off with him and they've exchanged their stuff. That's a pretty cut and dry representation on broken up in my book. I mean that he hasn't made it clear yet that there is no such thing as a break to her. She (falsely) thinks that he will believe her that she has a 90% chance of coming back, or that the "break" will be good. Until he communicates that there is no break and it's over I feel like he has left his end open still.
TheWeeknd Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Just a suggestion of what I would do If I were in your shoes... 1) End on a good note. Let her know you agree with the break since you saw the relationship going bad, etc and let her know that no matter what happens in the future, you will think good of her. You have to let her know that you have higher social value and you are not a weak incompetent man that gets jealous, etc. This will do 2 things: -Put guilt on her and maybe just wake her up to how good you are to her. -Open future doors for reconciliation if that is what you want. 2) Go NC and start to heal for yourself. Find ways to improve yourself may it be financials, career, hobbies, health, social skills, or whatever. After a relationship you will have a lot more time to think about things and it helps at times to just go out and do things. It will also show her if she ever sees you again that you have determination and ambition. Both extremely attractive traits. 3) Do not, and I repeat do not chase her. Do not and I repeat do not talk down to her about her or her new man (You can even wish her well in her new relationship if she brings it up. Men of high social values do not talk down to other people since it shows jealousy). Do not, and I repeat do not try to contact her. You have to let her know that you are moving on with life with or without her. 1
KatZee Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 At the very least, just hide your relationship status. It won't sent out a notification to all of FB saying the status is changed. It'll just be invisible. Either way, I have to agree. 90% chance getting back together? Really? So why break up at all? I think the only honest thing she's said is, "I haven't been in love with you." I'm pretty sure something happened with her and this guy when you were together, and I'm pretty sure that's why she needs a "break." She's going to see what he's all about, and drops that 90% thing so you don't go anywhere. You're definitely being back burned right now. Cut her support line, complete NC. Not friends, hide the relationship status and start moving on. This way, if she doesn't come back, you're on the road to recovery, and if she DOES then the balls in your court and you get to decide if you even take her back. 2
Cogee Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 I personally feel that the best way to handle facebook in a breakup is to block your ex, unfriend any of their mutual friends (meaning friends that you know support her), and then put the relationship status change out there for your friends to see. You might be surprised at how much support you will receive. Hiding the status is also possible if you have reservations about certain people knowing.
Chi townD Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 (edited) I mean that he hasn't made it clear yet that there is no such thing as a break to her. She (falsely) thinks that he will believe her that she has a 90% chance of coming back, or that the "break" will be good. Until he communicates that there is no break and it's over I feel like he has left his end open still. Understand where you're coming from and I can respect that; however, I'm not sure I agree with this. They're on a "break". Which means they are not dating, they're not going to hang out, they're not going to communicate and they're not going to see each other. She just left him with a sense of false hope and nothing more. I mean, if it walks like a duck and acts like a duck..... If I was a betting man, I would put my money on this scenerio. They exchanged their personal items and she probably didn't seem all that sad and telling OP that, "Oh this is only temporary. We're getting back together." without any tears and without any real emotion. But, as soon as OP left, she got right on that phone sounding all teary eyed and on the verge of sobbing to the douche rocket and said, "I JUST BROKE UP WITH MY BOYFRIEND". Hoping that he would say, "Hold on, I'll be over there in a minute for a shoulder to cry on." I'm sure she didn't say, " Oh, me and OP are taking a little break so I can work my sh*t out for myself. But, we're going to stay exclusive to each other because we ARE getting back together." I'm almost positive that this douche rocket had a hand in this as well. Influencing her to break up with him. Edited March 13, 2013 by Chi townD
Cogee Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Understand where you're coming from and I can respect that; however, I'm not sure I agree with this. They're on a "break". Which means they are not dating, they're not going to hang out, they're not going to communicate and they're not going to see each other. She just left him with a sense of false hope and nothing more. I mean, if it walks like a duck and acts like a duck..... If I was a betting man, I would put my money on this scenerio. They exchanged there personal items and she probably didn't seem all that sad and telling OP that, "Oh this is only temporary. We're getting back together." without any tears and without any real emotion. But, as soon as OP left, she got right on that phone sounding all teary eyed and on the verge of sobbing to the douche rocket and said, "I JUST BROKE UP WITH MY BOYFRIEND". Hoping that he would say, "Hold on, I'll be over there in a minute for a shoulder to cry on." Oh, I don't disagree with you at all. In fact, if it was me in his shoes I wouldn't even think twice that it's over and go through all the facebook changes without another word. I'm just not sure how the OP really feels about this situation as shown in his statement to her "it just seems like a way of trying to let me down easy". He himself hasn't yet been convinced that it's over otherwise he would never have said that to her. Does he owe her a word that it IS over? Nope, but it might give him some closure.
Chi townD Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Well, okay, he needs to be convinced so we explain it to him logically. She told him that they are getting BACK TOGETHER. Therefore, they would need to be apart. Hence, at this moment, you are broke up, you are not together. So, Cogee and I agree! Block her on Facebook and change your status. You aren't TOGETHER right now. Which is very frickin convenent for her, because if she comes back and you find out that she did hook up with this guy, you can't get mad, because it happened when you two weren't together! Don't you love technicalities! 1
Author brendan670 Posted March 14, 2013 Author Posted March 14, 2013 (edited) She did say that during this "break" she wants to act like were not dating, and not to tell people and we will se where were at in a few weeks. but she said there wont be any sex in the meantime. idk how much i believe that and decided Im going to treat it as a regular breakup and start to move on. if she decides she wants to get back with me, ill see how i feel about it at the time. Idk shes mentioned to me in the past that she wishes she would have had experiences with other rather then me and that if someday we would get married she thinks it would end up failing because of that. I told her that that seems like a pretty immature thing to think. Thanks to everyone for the support and advice. Edited March 14, 2013 by brendan670
Chi townD Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 She did say that during this "break" she wants to act like were not dating, and not to tell people and we will se where were at in a few weeks. but she said there wont be any sex in the meantime. idk how much i believe that and decided Im going to treat it as a regular breakup and start to move on. if she decides she wants to get back with me, ill see how i feel about it at the time. Idk shes mentioned to me in the past that she wishes she would have had experiences with other rather then me and that if someday we would get married she thinks it would end up failing because of that. I told her that that seems like a pretty immature thing to think. Thanks to everyone for the support and advice. Okay, she says that she wants you two to ACT like you're not dating, but NOT tell people that you're not date anymore. Uh huh..... she wants to hook up with this guy. Sorry dude.......
Author brendan670 Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 Update: So after not having any contact with her, she texted me today to see how things were.. I know some said to ignore her texts for a while, but i did talk to her for a bit. Im actually starting to doubt that she wants more than friendship with that guy, but not sure. she mentioned that she wants to see me, but is scared that it will make her want to get back with me, and she just doesnt want to be with anyone right now. She asked If I would want to see each other as just friends sometime soon, I told her that I'd have to think about it if it'd be a good idea as of now. So, my question is, since she obviously misses me somewhat, should I still wait a while and hope she starts missing me more?
Chi townD Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 Update: So after not having any contact with her, she texted me today to see how things were.. I know some said to ignore her texts for a while, but i did talk to her for a bit. Im actually starting to doubt that she wants more than friendship with that guy, but not sure. she mentioned that she wants to see me, but is scared that it will make her want to get back with me, and she just doesnt want to be with anyone right now. She asked If I would want to see each other as just friends sometime soon, I told her that I'd have to think about it if it'd be a good idea as of now. So, my question is, since she obviously misses me somewhat, should I still wait a while and hope she starts missing me more? Dude, your acting like you see a chance of getting back together! Did she even remotely say this to you during your little conversation? Nope! BUT! She did say you could be friends! Well, isnt that sweet.... she's convinced that she's 90% sure that she wants you back.....yet she doesnt want to see you and wants to be single...so, why the hell does she need to talk to you. That conversation was a waste of time. Seriously, you need to stick to NC. 1
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