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You Can Have Him! Whaa?

ComingInHot

By ComingInHot
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ComingInHot Established Member

ComingInHot

Posted
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Okay, so I wasn't sure which forum to post this question on but since I'd like to hear from anyone/everyone who has an idea, thought here on Infidelity would be best*

 

I have read and heard many times, including from H's exow the phrase;

 

"You can HAVE him!"



When she first wrote me this, and in the moment of reading it, I was angry. I thought, "I can have him?!" I Already "have" him. You, ow tried to have him and granted you had a piece of him but for all practical purposes, I already "have" him as he is my H.



In my eyes, she was trying to "take" my H from me and our M and make him her man/H/BF whatever.

 

As it goes, I am the one who looked at my H after she outed him and told him, "You can have her, now get out".

 

It is right up there with my question of, Why is called "taking" a dump, when you're not really taking it anywhere? You're leaving it...

I've never understood that line of thinking either? LOL!

 

Still, my question stands, what do people mean when they say that to someone who already has the H or W and the M?

 

Thanks for being kind in advance* :)

eleanorrigby Established Member

eleanorrigby

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Sour grapes.

 

And also maybe in their perception they had him, they had already "taken" him and the rest was just paperwork.

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ComingInHot Established Member

ComingInHot

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Could it be that some OW/OM really believe they HAVE the object of their affection?

I mean, look at Coco. She really did end up with the guy she enabled to have an A.

 

But it seems when the A ends, that is when the "youcanhavehim" comes out.*

TigerCub Established Member

TigerCub

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Hi CIH :)

 

I think when it comes to that situation the "you can have him" is more of a you can have him FULLY - I wont be fighting for him anymore maybe.

 

But I also think that line comes from the AP's support system telling the AP "This situation was bad to begin with, he's not a good guy, and if his wife still wants to work it out - she can have him! You find something better"

And I think that's just meant as a way to make the AP feel better about how things turned out.

 

I totally see how you would see it as insulting because you did have more of him than she did, but I think it's just something that comes from pain and an extra way to reinforce to the AP that the xmm wasn't all that, so "whatever, if she wants him so bad, she can have him - go nuts!!"

 

I totally think its just a way to feel better about "giving up" someone.

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sweet_pea Established Member

sweet_pea

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The times that I've noticed this being said is when the affair does not end the way an OW/M wanted it. All of a sudden, because it didn't end their way, rather than accepting/thinking of the WS as leaving them, they view it as them 'giving' the WS back to his BS. IDK, I guess that's just what I gather from it.

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ComingInHot Established Member

ComingInHot

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TigerCub, "But I also think that line comes from the AP's support system telling the AP "This situation was bad to begin with, he's not a good guy, and if his wife still wants to work it out - she can have him! You find something better"

And I think that's just meant as a way to make the AP feel better about how things turned out."

 

That makes better sense than how I had it playing in my head*

I actually would have genuinely told her thank you for discontinuing your fight to win him, if I had known (or could believe she meant it like that).

 

I actually feel a-lot better about this as it has been kind of lingering for all this time and when I read it or hear it (outside my own experience), it kind of brings it up as an unresolved "thing" I just didn't understand.

 

...checks off of list of things CIH doesn't understand...** (and there's a lot)

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TigerCub Established Member

TigerCub

Posted
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TigerCub, "But I also think that line comes from the AP's support system telling the AP "This situation was bad to begin with, he's not a good guy, and if his wife still wants to work it out - she can have him! You find something better"

And I think that's just meant as a way to make the AP feel better about how things turned out."

 

That makes better sense than how I had it playing in my head*

I actually would have genuinely told her thank you for discontinuing your fight to win him, if I had known (or could believe she meant it like that).

 

I actually feel a-lot better about this as it has been kind of lingering for all this time and when I read it or hear it (outside my own experience), it kind of brings it up as an unresolved "thing" I just didn't understand.

 

...checks off of list of things CIH doesn't understand...** (and there's a lot)

 

This is my take on it. I can't speak for the OW in your situation, but I hope that's what she meant too....But really it doesn't matter because you DO HAVE HIM!

 

Glad you feel better about it :)

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TigerCub Established Member

TigerCub

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As I said, that's my take on it - not every OW/OM.

 

And I also said that it is something that's said to make the AP feel better about the bad situation of the A.

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ComingInHot Established Member

ComingInHot

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TigerEye,

I am seeing how friend would say that AND how in cases it could be true.

You're insight is welcome.

 

PapwrAngell, the exow's in our past sound like they could be related!*

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Lostinlife4now Established Member

Lostinlife4now

Posted
Posted
Okay, so I wasn't sure which forum to post this question on but since I'd like to hear from anyone/everyone who has an idea, thought here on Infidelity would be best*

 

I have read and heard many times, including from H's exow the phrase;

 

"You can HAVE him!"



When she first wrote me this, and in the moment of reading it, I was angry. I thought, "I can have him?!" I Already "have" him. You, ow tried to have him and granted you had a piece of him but for all practical purposes, I already "have" him as he is my H.



In my eyes, she was trying to "take" my H from me and our M and make him her man/H/BF whatever.

 

As it goes, I am the one who looked at my H after she outed him and told him, "You can have her, now get out".

 

It is right up there with my question of, Why is called "taking" a dump, when you're not really taking it anywhere? You're leaving it...

I've never understood that line of thinking either? LOL!

 

Still, my question stands, what do people mean when they say that to someone who already has the H or W and the M?

 

Thanks for being kind in advance* :)

 

 

Great thread...CIH....

 

But I said to xmm... SHE CAN HAVE YOU A LONG TIME AGO....I did not want him...and she never found out!

 

He is too self involved and narcissistic....

 

I realllllllyyyyy did not want him in my life full time....HELL TO THE NO!!!

 

She can really have him.....No thank you! Sucks to be her!

ThatJustHappened Established Member

ThatJustHappened

Posted
Posted
Great thread...CIH....

 

But I said to xmm... SHE CAN HAVE YOU A LONG TIME AGO....I did not want him...and she never found out!

 

He is too self involved and narcissistic....

 

I realllllllyyyyy did not want him in my life full time....HELL TO THE NO!!!

 

She can really have him.....No thank you! Sucks to be her!

 

Do you feel any remorse at all? Doesn't sound like you do.

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ComingInHot Established Member

ComingInHot

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Lostinlife, " She can really have him.....No thank you! Sucks to be her!"

 

I kind of think I can see what you are saying*

But why do you think/feel it suck to be her? Because he cheated w/you? Because he's a jerk? Was he throwing you under the bus? Or her maybe both of you?

 

I'm asking because there seems to be some couples where one has strayed then chose to stay M & R to have better stronger & happier M*

 

I'm not saying this is the case w/your exmm & W, but... maybe?

 

 

I'm just curious.

And when you say "you can have him" , does that mean you actually had him at one point? :)

Sarabi Established Member

Sarabi

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"you can have him"...

 

No I would try never to say that. If I start to think it sometimes I slap myself because he was never mine to "take". He was always committed to her.

She is a good hearted enough woman to never have done anything to me or even given me a good talking to. Plus she is kind enough to him and strong enough to work on her relationship (although I hope she didn't exonerate him and he is doing most of the work to repair things)

I have NEVER thought badly of her...I am even tempted to tell her she deserves better :( and I hope to GOD he will never hurt her again.

All I hope is that he commits to her 110%. That she doesn't stand for any nonsense. That they remain safe and well and have the happy future they both wish for.

 

Honestly! Don't knock me people I'm not as nasty as he makes me out to be(!)

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ComingInHot Established Member

ComingInHot

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Sarabi you are one of the sweetest lady's Ever! There is NO need for Anyone to knock you. I actually think you are hard enough on yourself.

I'm the same way, by the way* I am harder on myself than others are (save abusive or anger issued "others" out there, but "they" can't knock us out! ) ;)

Edited by ComingInHot
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Sarabi Established Member

Sarabi

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Sarabi you are one of the sweetest lady's Ever! There is NO need for Anyone to knock you. I actually think you are hard enough on yourself.

I'm the same way, by the way* I am harder on myself than others are (save abusive or anger issued "others" out there, but "they" can't knock us out! ) ;)

 

Thanks for the like, you are also sweet :) you are so kind to everyone here despite our backgrounds and circumstances

Thank Loveshack for you :) :) :) !

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Bittersweetie Established Member

Bittersweetie

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It is right up there with my question of, Why is called "taking" a dump, when you're not really taking it anywhere? You're leaving it...

 

CIH, LOL...thank you for this. I really needed a smile this week. :)

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jnel921 Established Member

jnel921

Posted
Posted (edited)
Okay, so I wasn't sure which forum to post this question on but since I'd like to hear from anyone/everyone who has an idea, thought here on Infidelity would be best*

 

I have read and heard many times, including from H's exow the phrase;

 

"You can HAVE him!"

[/

 

CIH..at least you got that....

 

I got "you can have it back" with a jpeg attachment of a picture of my H hard penis which I am sure he sent her in the heat of his craziness...

 

Yep...something that needed not be said or shown. She was a real b1tch.

Edited by jnel921
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ComingInHot Established Member

ComingInHot

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jnel, I think I just threw up in my mouth. Cause that is messed up!!!! :sick:

 

She sent me a few photos he took of himself, in his drawers w/a partial...

He had sent Me the same pics. (This was about the time when I threw his laptop across the room. :D)

 

But I hear ya. I really do*

Sarabi Established Member

Sarabi

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I will never understand why some of them would have the nerve to act like we did something to them?

 

I honestly try not to because at the heart of it I know she never did.

However...for mine I can thank her for taking this man out of the dating pool :D I guess she did us a favour.

Anyway, even though he hurt her and left me feeling hurt with some really horrid things he said...I can't bring myself to think badly of him :(

After all he is her husband. She is married to and loves him for a reason, she must see there is goodness in his heart somewhere.

 

Ok need to cry now(!)...

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ComingInHot Established Member

ComingInHot

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I wish Lostinlifefornow would reply... I hope I didn't "hit a nerve" not that Any of this forum isn't already hitting nerves w/the majority... :(

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2sure Established Member

2sure

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I think that very often an OW gets to a point whether she realizes it or not, that she feels like she is in competition with the wife over MM.

 

So, in the end, she might say the words You Can Have Him.

 

And that feeling of competing is not exclusive to OW of course some BS are pulled into that too.

 

But it seems like when a BS says it, it's more like: I wash my hands of him

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ComingInHot Established Member

ComingInHot

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Sarabi, can I think poorly of him for you? At least until you are able to see how saying mean things are one thing But vile lies and manipulative half truths being pored over your head is wrong, especially from the man who said he cared for you!!

 

I think I'm "man-hating" tonight..

 

Sorry ladies & gents(if you're reading)*

AnotherRound Established Member

AnotherRound

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If someone is involved with two people at once - both people "have" him/her in some way. It sounds to me like a situation where someone is simply saying "I don't want him anymore, I'm outta here" - whoever is saying it. I haven't heard someone say that since high school though - but then again, I'm not privy to those private conversations either.

 

Personally, I think if someone said it to me, it would just seem kind of childish - bc of course they both wanted him/her at the same time, and having to say out loud that they don't now just seems a bit melodramatic. I mean, if they didn't want him/her, I'd think they'd walk away or get divorced.

 

I'm SO glad that I did not have this kind of drama with my exH, his OW, or exMM and his exW!!!!!

Sarabi Established Member

Sarabi

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Sarabi, can I think poorly of him for you? At least until you are able to see how saying mean things are one thing But vile lies and manipulative half truths being pored over your head is wrong, especially from the man who said he cared for you!!

 

I think I'm "man-hating" tonight..

 

Sorry ladies & gents(if you're reading)*

 

Lol. You absolutely have my permission to think of him as poorly as you like :) :) :)

I'm sure soon I will regain my senses and able to think poorly of him too ;)

 

...And hopefully one day I will stop thinking about him altogether. In the misused English of my friend, one day I will use her catchphrase and tell you "that guy is a massive crap". :D

Lol. He no longer deserves any airtime...

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ComingInHot Established Member

ComingInHot

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TwoSure, " I think that very often an OW gets to a point whether she realizes it or not, that she feels like she is in competition with the wife over MM.

So, in the end, she might say the words You Can Have Him.

And that feeling of competing is not exclusive to OW of course some BS are pulled into that too.

But it seems like when a BS says it, it's more like: I wash my hands of him"

 

 

There are a-lot of goods points but I think yours makes the most sense to me because of my experience.

 

AnotherRound, I haven't quite figured you out yet, but from your posts, I get the impression that there is an underlying cynicism and/or sarcasm that makes me feel demeaned when I read them. To me, there was quite a bit of "drama" coming through just in your response. :confused: I'm sure I am mistaken though as I know how difficult it can be to portray what & how we're feelings through just our words. Very daily misinterpreted. :o

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