Lost Confidence Normal?

[carteblanche]

Some quick background: girlfriend of 2 years (my first really serious relationship) broke up with me back in November. She said she needed time and space, which now I know means "I want to date around." I was a fool and kept breaking NC, hoping I could win her back. A few weeks ago, she directly told me she's started casually dating around. Needless to say, all ties have been cut since then, and I've begun the process of moving on with my life.

 

Anyway, since the initial breakup, I've completely changed my diet around and hit the gym almost every day. Originally, I was doing it to win her back, but now I'm doing it to be the best person I can be (and maybe get a little bit of revenge someday - hate is a powerful motivator). So far, I've lost a little over 30 lbs and built up muscle mass.

 

The thing is, though, even though I know I look better, my confidence is really low - far worse than it was when I was out of shape and dating my ex. It feels as though my game is completely gone, and I've struck out every time I've tried since then. Hell, it feels as though the entire opposite sex is repulsed by me.

 

Is this feeling of no confidence or attractiveness normal after getting dumped? Is it just something that requires time to get over? It just sucks that I feel I'm making a lot of progress in one area of my life but not the other.

 

Thanks

[cavalier99]

Hell yeah lost confidence is normal. Being kicked to the curb by the one you love is a direct shot to the nut sack.

 

Just keep on going to the gym and work on being social. Talk to anyone, cashiers, mailmen etcetera. Just get in the habit of going out again. Hanging with friends.

 

I spent the 1st 2 months after BU taking my golden retriever with me everywhere just to motivate me to get out of the house and talk to strangers (he also is a girl magnet lol).

 

The confidence will come back. Also get a good haircut, buy some clothes. This also helped me. And get pumped up in the morning to start your day. Act confident and you will become confident. Rock on! Cav

[OwlSoul]

Confidence comes with new passion. Like the previous author says, try to meet some people. However, women feel when someone 'needs' and 'in hunt', so they try to avoid those people. Better not to do something intentionally, but in the way like you feel natural. Or put yourself into old/new hobby. Doing something you are really good at gains a lot of self-confidence [or at least takes your mind away and makes you feel better]. Cheer up

[ItxWillxGetxBetter]

yes lost confidence is unfortunately normal when going through a BU. When my ex and I broke up my confidence was in the toilet. Just like you, the irony was that I was less attractive when I was with my ex but I felt confident. After the BU I became more attractive but less confident. Funny how that works. Anyhow, those feelings do go away. You just have go out and have fun. Don't go out with the expectation that you are going to find another girl to replace the ex. That just makes it worse.

 

For me it took about 3-4 months before my confidence came back and even then it wasnt all there. I went out and started to meet people and I would say that definitely helped out alot. Just roll with it right now but know that it will come back. Good Luck.

[Amelie1980]

Totally. I feel about 1000 miles below rock bottom.

 

The thing is I tried so hard in my last relationship. I was happy & upbeat and introduced him to so many new things that I enjoy and opened up my world to him. The BU was very personal as he run down everything about me at the end.

 

I have lost lots of weight too: about 14lbs. Even though I look better I feel worse.

 

I don't think I will ever feel better.

[SharkTooth]

Yeah Bro, totally. But the good news is it does come back with a vengeance. Hell, recently some fiends told me I changed in that I didn't look sick anymore, that I look good and back to myself. WTF? Did I really look that way? I knew I was a buzz killer but wow. LoL. I haven't been hitting on any women, but I'm getting that vibe feeling that there's curiosity in my area. I laughed the other day when I realized a friends friend was flirting with me and I think she thought I was to. Honestly, I was just being myself and having fun

 

I think that when you get to the point of not thinking about your ex everyday and are exercising your brain in other ways, confidence isn't very far away. Everyone here at LS advises to hit the gym and I agree, but you also have to keep the brain sharp and exercise that big boy. If that makes sense?

 

Sorry to hear about your BU. Hang tuff. It does get better

[Chi townD]

Yeah, you totally get rocked with the confidence and here the thing, girls pick up on that. So, it doesn't surprise me that you've got shot down a couple of times. I wrote this on someone else's thread and I think it could be applied to your situation.

 

Make positive changes in your life. The easiest is getting a new haircut and hairstyle. Something people will notice and like. Then, get new clothes. Look sharp! If your a jeans, sneaker and t-shirt type of guy. Change to designer jeans or slacks, button down shirt with loafers or dress shoes. This is going to help your self esteem. Then get to the gym, get a membership and GO! Run your ass off on the treadmill and push weight. This is going to help you work off some of that stress and frustrations. Plus, you'll be working on that lean and rock hard bod. Again, helping your self esteem.

 

Go to college. If you already have a degree, then go to grad school. If you don't have a degree, then get one. If you don't think you can afford college right now you're wrong. College's and Universities are hurting in these hard economic times too and their enrollments are down. They need prospective students walking in through their doors. And once in there, they will find you the money. They will apply you to every scholarship that they can find, have you do FAFSA and find any grant they can to have you going to school with them. As of right now, you can be going to college with very little coming out of your pocket. JUMP ON IT!!! A solid college education is going to open more job opportunities for you and paying a hell of a lot more than with someone without a college degree. Plus, keeping your mind in the books rather than what she's doing. Once you finish, you can get that awesome job that's paying you a lot of cash. Now you can afford that nice townehome in a great neighborhood and you can afford that kick ass ride you always wanted.

 

Get yourself out there. Find a new hobby. Most of these interests have a club in your area, so join them! Meet new people! Join a running club, or a diving club, cyclying club, community theater......whatever! Just get out there and meet new people and make new friends.

 

Then travel! See the world! Have an adventure! Pick a place that you've always dreamed of seeing. Do your research, figure out the cost of the trip, budget and save. And when you had enough....GO! HAVE A BLAST!!!!!

 

Look, you are newly on the market and still pretty hurt about what happened. Don't worry about dating right now. Focus on making those positive changes. When they happen, you'll start to feel a little better about yourself. And girls are going to pick up on that. I had a buddy of mine and he ....ummm....was not a handsome man. At all! But, there was no shame in his game. We would go to the club and he would ask every single girl in the joint (size, shape, color.....didn't matter to him) out to dance and he got shot down most of the time. I asked him why he does that. He looked out into the crowd and said, there's one girl in here that's going to say "yes". And he was right. They may only dance one song with him, he may have gotten to talk to them a little. But, he put himself out there. He wasn't good looking but his confidence got him the dance.

[Amelie1980]

Thing is I am too scared to go out and do things. I've become agoraphobic.

 

I don't even go to the gym anymore.