M30USA Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 I got divorced a few months ago and wrote story on other threads. Lately I have been feeling awful about the fact that my ex-wife's arrest photos have been appearing on those hideous, shameful "mugshot" sites. I even paid to have 2 of them removed during the divorce proceedings--without even telling her. The Internet records were clean for a while but now another one has popped up. I just feel awful. It's not that I regret calling the cops on her. I do feel like I was severely wronged. But I didn't press charges and I don't get any satisfaction out of humiliating people. Especially because she is the mother of my children and if for no other reason than their sake I don't want websites intentionally humiliating her and making money. My question is why do I feel this way? Why do I feel so awful about this? I am looking for some advice about whether or not I should contact her regarding this. Currently we have NC other than child business. Would it be unwise to contact her and say that, whatever differences we have, I am very upset about her photos being publicized and that I don't approve of it?
Author M30USA Posted March 14, 2013 Author Posted March 14, 2013 I hate to bump my own thread but I'm really looking for help on this one. Thanks.
TailSpin75 Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 Hi M30 - I read this post yesterday and wasn't sure what advice I could give. Then after seeing your 'bump' I search out your initial story... As far as why you 'feel this way' I'd guess you still care for her - she was (at one time anyway) the 'woman of your dreams, plus the mother of your children. I get why you called the cops and all that... justified no doubt, but do you carry some guilt about that?
dreamingoftigers Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 Weird, I posted and thought you ignored... Hmm I had never heard of these sites, I wanted some more info on them. I thought most arrests were somewhat confidential unless they are high-profile like Magnotta. And how come you had to pay to get the pic removed?
GuyInLimbo Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 At the very least, I can understand why anyone would want to shield their kids from such embarrassment. I don't recall what happened, but that's irrelevant. Just because one gets divorced from someone doesn't have to mean you want bad things to happen to them. 2
aMguilts Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 no it just means you are still human and from what you have done you are more than most in this world keep up the NC, and smile to yourself for being the bigger person aM 1
Author M30USA Posted March 14, 2013 Author Posted March 14, 2013 Hi M30 - I read this post yesterday and wasn't sure what advice I could give. Then after seeing your 'bump' I search out your initial story... As far as why you 'feel this way' I'd guess you still care for her - she was (at one time anyway) the 'woman of your dreams, plus the mother of your children. I get why you called the cops and all that... justified no doubt, but do you carry some guilt about that? I wouldn't say I feel "guilty". I just don't enjoy seeing her photo publicized for the purpose of someone's financial gain. Nobody deserves humiliation. Yes, I do have some regrets about my marriage. I made mistakes like anybody else. Do I think I was equally at fault? Absolutely not. She repeatedly took things to a higher and higher level.
TailSpin75 Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 I gathered from your initial posting that she did take things over the top. If you're not carrying guilt (which I see no reason for) - then I gotta agree with aM on this one... you're just guilty of being human and having compassion. I also have to agree with him on keeping up with NC...
Author M30USA Posted March 14, 2013 Author Posted March 14, 2013 I gathered from your initial posting that she did take things over the top. If you're not carrying guilt (which I see no reason for) - then I gotta agree with aM on this one... you're just guilty of being human and having compassion. I also have to agree with him on keeping up with NC... I know NC is wise, but what about saying something like: while we may have differences, I want you to know that I don't approve of your pics being used online and my intention was never to humiliate you.
TailSpin75 Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 Sounds like you have good intentions... but from my perspective (not knowing you or her) - I'd question if you have some expectation. (That's why I originally asked if you were harboring guilt). From the outsiders perspective - I would wonder the purpose of letting her know what your intention was not... Lends itself to hoping for forgiveness or to find some favor in her eyes. I'm just giving my impression of what how it appears from the outside view M30 1
Author M30USA Posted March 14, 2013 Author Posted March 14, 2013 Sounds like you have good intentions... but from my perspective (not knowing you or her) - I'd question if you have some expectation. (That's why I originally asked if you were harboring guilt). From the outsiders perspective - I would wonder the purpose of letting her know what your intention was not... Lends itself to hoping for forgiveness or to find some favor in her eyes. I'm just giving my impression of what how it appears from the outside view M30 Yes, I see your point. 1
stuckinuk Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 I don't know the back story so forgive me if I'm wrong about this, but it sounds like it's a court ordered no contact (with the exception being regarding the children)? If that's the case, then no matter how well intentioned you would still be breaking the no contact order. My suggestion would be that while it's great that you feel compassion, you should maintain the no contact. Maybe at some point a long way into the future it would be okay to bring it up, but not now. 1
Author M30USA Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 I don't know the back story so forgive me if I'm wrong about this, but it sounds like it's a court ordered no contact (with the exception being regarding the children)? If that's the case, then no matter how well intentioned you would still be breaking the no contact order. My suggestion would be that while it's great that you feel compassion, you should maintain the no contact. Maybe at some point a long way into the future it would be okay to bring it up, but not now. I don't think the court ordered NC. They just ordered all communication to be in writing.
Yasuandio Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 (edited) Appearance on these "mugshot" sites are the consequence of getting arrested and convicted. I'm wouldn't count on "buying" your way out of ALL of them. Msny of the jail systems and County-Governmental systems have on-line methods to look up previous inmates mug shots as well. There is one up of my former husband from a DUI, Wreckless, driving on metal wheels (I guess deflated tires) at 4am. I'd be pretty embarrassed. Furthermore, if he ever wanted another SBA loan, this would not be useful. The only tip I can tell you to pass on to her, if she were to ever get upset about the Mugshot is, is "try not to get arrested, and you won't have to deal with mugshots." But if she is not conplaining about it, and you guys are divorced, then, it's not your problem anymore. She comitted a crime, that is what happens when you choose to to physically attack someone with a weapon or something that can be used as a weapon, in your case, a large board of wood. End of story. Try not to think about it. And avoid looking up her name on the net. This is probably not a good method of getting past the relationship and bond you used to have with your abuser. Yas ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Edit: Personally I really like the Mugshot system, it allows you to check up on people you meet. I have met up with two people that had photos on the mugsite, a really nice man at craft store (who shared his coupons with me), and a girl in line at the pharmacy. I have been trying really hard to make friends. These two folks seemed like normal people I could be friends with. The girl had been arrested a series of times for forgery, and the guy I met at the craft store had an assault and DUI. I did not continue any contact because of what I found. Edited March 15, 2013 by Yasuandio 1
Author M30USA Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 Appearance on these "mugshot" sites are the consequence of getting arrested and convicted. I'm wouldn't count on "buying" your way out of ALL of them. Msny of the jail systems and County-Governmental systems have on-line methods to look up previous inmates mug shots as well. There is one up of my former husband from a DUI, Wreckless, driving on metal wheels (I guess deflated tires) at 4am. I'd be pretty embarrassed. Furthermore, if he ever wanted another SBA loan, this would not be useful. The only tip I can tell you to pass on to her, if she were to ever get upset about the Mugshot is, is "try not to get arrested, and you won't have to deal with mugshots." But if she is not conplaining about it, and you guys are divorced, then, it's not your problem anymore. She comitted a crime, that is what happens when you choose to to physically attack someone with a weapon or something that can be used as a weapon, in your case, a large board of wood. End of story. Try not to think about it. And avoid looking up her name on the net. This is probably not a good method of getting past the relationship and bond you used to have with your abuser. Yas ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Edit: Personally I really like the Mugshot system, it allows you to check up on people you meet. I have met up with two people that had photos on the mugsite, a really nice man at craft store (who shared his coupons with me), and a girl in line at the pharmacy. I have been trying really hard to make friends. These two folks seemed like normal people I could be friends with. The girl had been arrested a series of times for forgery, and the guy I met at the craft store had an assault and DUI. I did not continue any contact because of what I found. Good post, Yas. I remember her saying to me shortly after her arrest: "You WANTED me to get arrested." I replied by saying, no, I didn't want you to get arrested. What I didn't want is you assaulting me. To which she replied that it was equally my fault because, in her opinion, I was mean to her and made her do it.
Yasuandio Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 (edited) I don't think it is illigal to me be mean. Only if you physically or seriously mentally hurt someone. Her other claim, "you made her do it," is stupid. How can you physcially put a large object in her hand and make her hit and injure you with it against your will? Duh. The cops and Judges are specially trained smart, keen observers - they almost always know what went down. Edited March 15, 2013 by Yasuandio
Woggle Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 I used to feel bad about the trainwreck my ex has made of her life but I no longer do. She dug her hole and now she has to live in it. Look at your ex the same way.
Author M30USA Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 I don't think it is illigal to me be mean. Only if you physically or seriously mentally hurt someone. Her other claim, "you made her do it," is stupid. How can you physcially put a large object in her hand and make her hit and injure you with it against your will? Duh. The cops and Judges are specially trained smart, keen observers - they almost always know what went down. I was thinking about that. I probably wouldn't have called cops if she had done a bunch of other things like been a drug addict and broken other laws. I mean, honestly, have we not ALL broken some kind of law? But the physical abuse stuff, to me, is more significant and has a direct negative impact me. I hated that she had to go to jail. I mean, I hated it. But what other choice did I have? It was an escalating problem. I am the kind of person who is saddened when others get consequences for their actions. I know it needs to be done but I ask, "Why? Why did you take it to this point?" It's kind of like the verse in the Bible where the apostle John gets his vision of when Christ returns to judge the earth. At first it seems great that God FINALLY brings justice and fairness to the world. But after a bit John is deeply saddened by the fact that so many souls were lost and punished. Even those he knew and loved. I feel the same way. Why why why did this have to happen?
imtooconfused Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 I wouldn't say I feel "guilty". I just don't enjoy seeing her photo publicized for the purpose of someone's financial gain. Nobody deserves humiliation. I can tell from some of your writing that you are a good person at heart. The fact that you are concerned about your EX's reputation after the divorce may be honest-to-goodness concern. But from an outside perspective, it sure appears that you are showing signs of guilt, especially because you know you were the one who called the police which through the series of events led to the pictures being released. I did look up your story and knowing only what you said, that story would lead a police officer to be fully justified in bringing charges against her. Ask yourself this... If you were reading a story in the newspaper about a stranger doing those things to their partner, would it be OK for them to be arrested? Booked? Photographed? Published? How about if your EX did those same things to a neighbor, and the neighbor called the cops? Would it be OK then? I am not expecting you to answer me or this forum. But think about those things in your own mind when you feel bad about her picture being released. Please don't feel bad only because you were the one to call the police.
2sunny Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 Her bad behavior has consequences. Stop removing her consequences which help her to learn not to do the bad things anymore. She did it - she deserves others to know... Especially if she becomes involved with someone new. If they google her name - and the mug shot pops up - it good that any man would have information about her behavior. Then they can decide what's best for them based on her evidence. It's public record - the public deserves to have the info.
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