How to cope with my ex's NEW relationship

[missjones4812]

A quick background. After being with the love of my life and the father of our 11 month old son for almost 3 years, I caught him kissing a 23 year old co-worker of his (he is 32) in the mailroom of our apartment building about a month ago. Needless to say, I was devestated, but was willing to forgive and forget and do anything to keep our family together. Without much thought on his part, he said it would be too hard and packed his things and walked out of our life. The same day he moved in with this girl and her 4 year old child. They had been "hanging out" outside of work for about two weeks, a couple days a week, prior to me catching them. His only reason for doing this to us was that "he guesses he was just unhappy." After numerous attempts on my part to get him back and try to work things out with no success, I have limited my contact to only dealing with our son. Before any of this happened, he gave me no indication that he was unhappy, or that things were different. Sure, we had our occasional arguments, nothing that any couple in our situation wouldn't be going through. It was just a rough patch, that I knew would end. I was trying to do everything to get out of the slump, but to no avail. His attention was off of his own family and on someone else.

 

My problem now is sitting here everyday knowing that he walked out of our life and into another without thinking about me, or his child. How he could replace us so quickly and without any emotion. That we meant so little to him that he could just trade us in with no warning and no effort.

 

A recent example that set me off into a whirlwind of despair is him posting a picture of the tattoo he is going to get to symbolize he and our son. This is something we had talked about all throughout my pregnancy and following months since his birth. To now know, that she will be there while he is doing something so meaningfu, for OUR child kills me. It also hurts that he chooses to do something like this now. After he walked out of his sons life for another woman and her child. Sure, he will always be his dad, but he gave up the chance to be a real father to his child. He isn't here everyday watching him grow and experiencing all of the wonderful things he does everyday. He gave up the rewards and challenges of being a real parent. He sees his son maybe twice a week, less than 20 hours in a week. But to the outside world its like "look at me and what I am doing for my son. I am an awesome father." But none of those people know what he did.

 

Basically I need help with how to deal with this. The constant pain I am in. How do I deal with the hurtful things he says and does whether he is aware of it or not? How do I get through the nights I lie alone in bed, thinking about him being in her bed? Am I stupid for wanting my family back, wanting him back? Any advice or suggestions are very appreciated!!

[missjones4812]

Someone please give me some advice? I need help!

[IfiKnewThen]

#1. HUGS.....................did I say HUGS? ((((HUGS)))) i am so sorry to hear this. anyone would definitely be in shock!!!! your world as you knew it turned upside down. you feel anxiety from being out of control of things, with him just leaving you and not letting you guys work on and help fix the relationship. he didnt have to "heal" because he was plotting on and setting up a new life already. and youre anger and hurt for how anyone you loved could do this to you. you came to the right place though. loveshack.

 

2. you will need a place to vent like this and people you can actually relate to and can relate to you.

 

3. pray for peace and strength and BELIEVE your prayer is being answered or will be answered soon or as you go along. Ask God to give you wisdom and strength and peace.

 

4. i think you said he "posted a picture of a tatoo"? STOP.....YES STOP LOOKING AT FACEBOOK AND SOCIAL SITES THAT HE IS ON. i know it makes us feel somewhat in control to peek into their lives. it can maybe even desensitize you in a sense from facing and knowing what he is doing. but there comes a point where it turns into obsession and just hurts you and makes him omi-important. and he is NOT omni- important. your health, well being heart and sanity is!~!~! so peering into their lives only works to feel you have a handle on something for so long. the handle of being able to "look". but thats not "living".

 

5. take care of that beautiful baby or son you have, together with taking care of you. when he takes a nap....rest too. have friends and family hugs you. eat good..even if your not hungry. try not to over eat tho for you and your weight health. pray. and read up on healing relationship pain like this and in your very free time (i imagine theres not much.....EVENTUALLY A BIT FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD...read men are from mars and women are from venus, just to be in touch with how men and women think so you have all the awesome relationship skills and understanding you need for a future relationship which you will have again someday. in the meantime know this. you will go thru stages of healing. shock, denial, grief, hope, anger, then acceptance. let it ride like you would the flu. its part of the healing process. just dont get STUCK in one of these emotions ..for any serious length of time. mix it up. one emotion helps you get out of the other one. but dont hope on him when using that emotion.. let the hope be for a better tomorrow without him. there a book that talks about all of this. i will try to remember the name of it.

 

6. eventually try to create new loving good memories in place of the ones you have with him. for instance. you went to a certain restaurant together. next time you pass it you want to think of something else. so someday take a friend there or your mom and talk and laugh and say hes an idiot in there. the next time you pass it. bam you WILL think ..that was nice with mom and me eating there making fun of the JERK. you have to retrain your brain to think another way to assist in healing till these things wont phase you anymore.

 

7. everyday....everyday. write something good down that you did or accomplished. as simple as this. i got up today. hugged and fed my boy. i made it through the day. or i saw a beautiful sunrise. (even if you feel blank looking at it) you saw it. your can see!!! youre not blind, you witnessed it. he didnt take that from you. the point is. any little thing. ur aunt called you and listened to you on the phone while you cried. BAM a good thing to write. before you know it ...you help foster to retrain the brain of the good things there still are and that you do and still remain.

 

8. talk time. yes its good and healthy you must vent about this . but confine it to a few hours int he day. between 7 and 9 pm lets say and then the rest of the time is survival mode and get in touch with feeling alive again.

 

9. dont drink and do drugs...it is a further depressant. this is a losing proposition. period case closed.

 

10. also you dont have to wish and hope and pray it wont work out with the other girl. no one knows that. no one. BUT its probable it wont work out lol. because he went from living with you to living with her. wow how fast was that??? can you say breath? he didnt . relationships liek that are usually doomed. even if its 2 years from now. but you cant wait for that. there is an old saying used to say to me DONT WAIT TO LIVE. LIVE WHILE YOU WAIT.

11. ok this is a guys perspective but i love this post i recommend it to everyone. but try to put the womens twist on it to help YOU. a man here from LS wrote this post. his name is mcgrupp. read this post BUT just read HIS words he does a list like i am writing to you now. please read this: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/244265-1-year-ago-today

 

God bless and good luck hang in there. YOU will get through this and will be better off and stronger for it in the long run. one consistant step at a time.

Edited March 16, 2013 by IfiKnewThen

[83_Dan]

Hey missjones, the thing you should realize is that there is no point in thinking about how he could do such a thing and why it doesn't seem to affect him. Now I perfectly agree that what he did is simply f***** up, but you will never be able to understand him unless you can actually read his mind. Everything he tells you or the way he acts could be lies, but then again they also may not be. But even if you were able to understand why he did these things it still wouldn't help you move on. The best thing is to realize that he is gone, he is not coming back and most importantly that you don't want him back. Now having a son together complicates things enormously and it must eat at you that there is another person in his life who he can share the things with that he was supposed to share with you, but it doesn't help you. You need to try and let it go and accept it. And that seems like an impossible task now I know. I'm still in the middle of dealing with my break-up and I hear myself saying this to another person when I can't even do it myself but I know it's the only way of moving forward. What you should focus on is taking care of your son, spending time with friends and family, keeping yourself occupied and keeping contact with your ex to a minimum. Try to deal with him in a purely professional kind of way. And as soon as you find yourself thinking about his new life immediately block it. Try to reserve some time of the day (maybe 15 minutes) to let out your emotions. Cry, scream, punch a pillow, whatever helps you get rid of it, but after that go and do something to occupy your mind with. Visit friends, take your son for a walk, watch a movie, bake a cake, paint, listen to music, whatever you can think of. Eventually you will see the pain gets less, but it won't be quick and it won't be easy. But hang in there! You're not alone! Big hug!

[missjones4812]

Thank you both so much for your input. I am realizing now in the days since I first posted this that this is indeed HIS fault and HIS loss. Slowly I am realizing that it wasn't so much our relationship he wanted away from, it was the responsibility of being a father and partner in a family. Everything he did to us and everything since then has been all a out him. Giving up time with his son to go do what he wants, never asking about him, just being a complete and total douche! He has either changed into this terrible man, or he always was and was just really good at hiding it. I have been keeping myself busy, focusing on my son, doing things for me, but everyday I cry, I cry for myself, for my son and for the situation. He is and will never be a good parent if he cannot put his son first. I hate him for what he has done and intend on moving on and being as happy, no happier than I ever was with him. This is the best revenge. Show him how happy we are without him, that we don't need him! Its probably because its early in the stages of the BU, but I pray for their bull&$-! Relationship to fall apart. Part if me wants him to come crawling back just so I can tell him to go F--- himself. That is the anger in me. I have went to complete LC only to deal with our son, but I barely ever here from him dealing with that. But thank you again for your advice and help. I read the McGrupp piece this am actually and it was really helpful! The social media is a challenge. I make ir ok in my mind to keep him as a friend so that he can see puctures of our son, but I guess I should say screw him. If he really cared, we wouldn't be in this mess.

[IfiKnewThen]

yep. i agree. it may be too soon to be FB friends. but there are ways to block him from seeing your friends and posts. only show him a pic once in a while but sending it to his page maybe. or just block the jerk.

 

anyway yes. i hope you read the entire post i know its long. dont read the others comments? just the whole #10 of his list. you sound strong. thats a good thing. you CAN do this and find a better fit for you in a man

[BOSSHOGG5]

Missjones, I can tell you from experience that the social media look in's will bring back the hurt all over again. Please do not FB him!!! I did this and it destroyed all of the progess I made in NC. I was raged and crushed all in one all over again about my ex wife. I even made the mistake of communicating with her when I sent her school pictures of my son. Not to be mean and all, but that will never happen again. She walked out on me and my boys for another man, so if she does not see another picture of her kids then that is fine by me. My healing is more important.

 

I tell you this because it will take awhile to get over him. The hurt is so powerful and I thought I was straight. I have been seeing a really nice woman now and I was pissed that I would let this crap affect me the way that it did. I was married for 23 yrs, so I guess for me it will be a very long time.

 

All I'm saying is do what you have to do to live for you and your child. Oh boy is not good for you and I question his character for doing what he has done. He is a coward that will bale out on oh girl as well. Guess what? He will come back to you. That is when you will have to make a decision on do you want him back or not. Hopefully you will have found you a real man by then.

 

Blood does not always make you family,,,,,loyalty does. Ijs

[missjones4812]

Bosshog, Since my last post I have unfriened him on Facebook. Although in someways I feel better, I still sit here and wonder. Bit has been a week since he has seen his son and he hasn't even contacted me to ask how he is. It breaks my heart that his own child means so little to him now, hiw he went from being a wonderful father to basically a deadbeat in less than a month. I have been contacted by 3 people that I barely know telling me that the new girl he is with doesn't respect anyone or anything, is a spoiled little brat and that she pawns her child off on anyone so she csn do what she wants. I will do abything in my power to keep my child out of a toxic environment like that. She can do what she wants with her child, but there is no way in hell that my child and his needs will be put 2nd to what that little b$&@? wants. Part of my hurt and pain is now turning to anger, so I feel as if I am starting to move through the phases of emotional healing. At least I hope so! Thanks again for your input, hearing the experiences of others really is helping me!!

[BOSSHOGG5]

Yeah, I understand the phases and the anger to me is the hardest phase to get past. Honestly, I am stuck there right now. My ex wife left us with no warning. We all came home and she was gone. What a coward. Although she calls to talk to her boys, she has not seen them in over 2 yrs. In those two years she has sent on occassion a box of goodies like candy, twinkies and ish like that. Sometimes a game or two. No money for support. She calls herself engaged now, and my boys want nothing to do with it or her new love interest.

 

So yes, I can relate to your anger over the fact that this guy is showing no sense of responsibility. Document all that is going on cause you are going to need it down the line. I really feel for you but good things are coming your way. Don't feel sorry for yourself. Take care of yourself.

[cdt76]

Bosshogg5 is right on the money. Start a daily journal of his behavior and contact with the kids. Document any money for suppor, gifts, calls, the like. Document, Document Document. If it isn't written down, it didn't happen. You will need it when you go to court for support. And you WILL go to court. I wouldn't want that crazy A$$ to have any contact with your kids. He will just screw them up! He wants to walk, you can take his bank account and he can walk.