thirdchance Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 My story is long. It has been going on for about five years. My husband is a correctional officer. We have been together for about twenty years. 13 married. About five years ago he went to a "poker party" at a friends house and ended up cheating on me with his coworkers sister in law. I found out, he swore he ended it and it was nothing, yet it has gone on. He swears they never slept together but after five years I can't see how they couldn't. He never tells the truth. I always end up finding out by looking at cell phone records. I catch him, and once he knows he is in a corner only then will he give me some version of the truth. It's not just this one girl. I have caught him over the years sending pictures of himself via phone to women on the internet and vice versa. Everytime it's the same. He says you were not paying attention and I can't talk to you so I do this. Communication is our real problem is what he always says. A few days ago I checked our cellphone records and found several numbers. I started calling them and sure enough one of them is "Maria" the chick who has been invading our marriage. He also had other women of questionable character from his work. He commutes and works in a different world. He works long shifts and is a sargeant so has his own office. He could also be calling from his office at work. I love him. We have two kids but in my heart I know this will never end. And on top of it, this is not our only problem. We have many. We have gone to counseling. Like I said this is the third or fourth time with this woman, but I have caught him emailing and texting others as well. I guess I'm looking for any advice. I'm going back to counseling so I can work out things in my own head. I know that I need to make a decision. Oh, the last time, I actually found condoms in his pocket, he lied, I kicked him out. We separated for a couple months and I was going to file for divorce. We had said no dating but he dated many girls while we were separated. I found out, and he begged me to forgive and taking him back. Everytime he swears he just couldn't go through with it because of me and the kids. Ugh... why does he do this to me? Sometimes I think he stays with me so he doesn't have to support me and the kids. Thanks for your help.
JPMC Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 File papers. He's not getting the hint and has no respect for you whatsoever. 6
Author thirdchance Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 Thanks for the posting. You said so little and yet it is what I need to hear. My friends won't tell me to leave him but I know they all think I am so dumb for staying with him. It's really the hardest decision of my life. I know you are right.
Cali408 Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 JPMC is right. You forgave him once, the cruelist thing one can do is continue after being forgiven. You are convenient for him right now. He has a house, the kids, and isn't broke. Divorce for him equals: Being broke, not seeing his kids, not living in his house. He dated while separated. What he should have been doing was working his way back to you. Dating YOU. Begging for your forgiveness. If you want to give him one more chance, I would say, tell him, you want everything, email addresses, phone records, all social network passwords. Put a keyboard tracker on your computer. If he slips up, gone. But you've given him enough chances Think of it this way, if you saw a film of someone treating your kids (in the future) the way he treats you, you'd be really mad. Love yourself 1
skywriter Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 (edited) My story is long. It has been going on for about five years. My husband is a correctional officer. We have been together for about twenty years. 13 married. About five years ago he went to a "poker party" at a friends house and ended up cheating on me with his coworkers sister in law. I found out, he swore he ended it and it was nothing, yet it has gone on. He swears they never slept together but after five years I can't see how they couldn't. He never tells the truth. I always end up finding out by looking at cell phone records. I catch him, and once he knows he is in a corner only then will he give me some version of the truth. It's not just this one girl. I have caught him over the years sending pictures of himself via phone to women on the internet and vice versa. Everytime it's the same. He says you were not paying attention and I can't talk to you so I do this. Communication is our real problem is what he always says. A few days ago I checked our cellphone records and found several numbers. I started calling them and sure enough one of them is "Maria" the chick who has been invading our marriage. He also had other women of questionable character from his work. He commutes and works in a different world. He works long shifts and is a sargeant so has his own office. He could also be calling from his office at work. I love him. We have two kids but in my heart I know this will never end. And on top of it, this is not our only problem. We have many. We have gone to counseling. Like I said this is the third or fourth time with this woman, but I have caught him emailing and texting others as well. I guess I'm looking for any advice. I'm going back to counseling so I can work out things in my own head. I know that I need to make a decision. Oh, the last time, I actually found condoms in his pocket, he lied, I kicked him out. We separated for a couple months and I was going to file for divorce. We had said no dating but he dated many girls while we were separated. I found out, and he begged me to forgive and taking him back. Everytime he swears he just couldn't go through with it because of me and the kids. Ugh... why does he do this to me? Sometimes I think he stays with me so he doesn't have to support me and the kids. Thanks for your help. thirdchance, His cheating issues are about him and not you. If you feel in your heart this will never end, then try to come to terms with what you believe and take steps towards getting out. If you do not work outside the home, it will be especially difficult, but not impossible. I am so sorry that you feel he stays with you because he does'nt want to support you and the kids. I have been down this road you may have to embark on, and it is the scariest thing to have to go through, on the one hand, and on the othe,r it is extremely empowering to know you can make it. Best of luck to you. ps.If I had to guess why he does this to you...I'd say, it's because he's done it before and got away with it. He has you where he knows you need him financially and possibly you've turned a blind eye in the past. Edited March 13, 2013 by skywriter 1
GuyInLimbo Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 You don't need advice. You know damn well what to do. Stop making excuses and take your life back from this POS. 3
Mr. Lucky Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 You don't need advice. You know damn well what to do. Stop making excuses and take your life back from this POS. Bingo! thirdchance, it's rare to read a post like yours where you've so clearly answered your own questions. As Guy said, I'm not sure what we could tell you that you don't already know. I hope we don't find you posting here a year from now under the user name "seventhchance" :eek: ... Mr. Lucky 2
whichwayisup Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Sometimes I think he stays with me so he doesn't have to support me and the kids. Thanks for your help. He will HAVE to support you and the kids, at least the kids for sure if you two divorce. Look, your H won't change. He isn't truly remorseful. He puts on tears when he's caught, reacts out of desperation - That ain't real, you know it too. He's made no effort to be a better husband, a better father, a better family man who just focuses on his wife and family - Puts you all first. instead, he puts himself first and does as he pleases. DO the counseling, get strong so you can divorce him. Life is short and you deserve better. Sorry for your pain though.. It won't be easy and I know you love him but he isn't worth it. He's proved this to you every single time he cheats, he lies and betrays you. 1
seriously-let-down Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 I never cheated or even thought of cheating on my wife. My wife left me for another. Get out now. You deserve better! There's plenty of better for you out there. Sorry and I'm sorry you are in pain.xx
Author thirdchance Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 Thank you all who have responded. This is very therapuetic for me. I made a session appointment with my old therapist. I started talking to her the first time I caught him. I have so much to tell her. I am just going to work on myself so I can get the strength to leave him. I go to school full time, but I know if I divorce him he will support me and the kids. I already consulted with an attorney the last time. The attorney told me I would be fine and I wouldn't need to worry about finances. You are right. Everytime he plays the good father, good husband role for a little while until I relax and then eventually he gets caught again. He has been talking to a twenty year old he met on xbox... ridiculous.. and then this Maria chick who is also remarried to her first husband. It's complicated but I know I will never be happy in this marriage. All this time I have NEVER cheated on him. EVER! I am almost forty and feel like other than my children, I have wasted my life on a fake relationship. I'll keep you all posted. And no I will not be back here as seventh chance... Thanks.
Cali408 Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 How do you not have the strength now? Look at your first couple of sentences and then continue reading. Maria, a 20 year old on XBox? He' pathetic. Stop wasting time and your life. Hate him for how little respect he has for you and your childrens' lives. He's a terrible father and a terrible husband.
Author thirdchance Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 Oh, I wanted to say that in the past he has jokingly made comments like "its cheaper to keep her". He works in an environment with female officers who have no respect for our marriage. I could go on and on. Like I said this has been going on for years. But even before we got married when we were dating... there were so many obvious signs that he would not be faithful. My mistake. So, right now he is in our house. He is actually still in my bed. I know its ridiculous. I don't want to disrupt the kids lives and our house is really small. He was on the couch the first night. So I am not sure if I should put him back on the couch and/or have him start looking for a place of his own this weekend. I know divorce can take a while and even though I am tolerant of him in our home, for the sake of our kids, I just don't know if I should let him stay here.
Author thirdchance Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 You are right. I know you are. I need to sit down and talk with him on the fact that he needs to find a couch from one of his coworkers... most of them have cheated anyways, so they can related.
Cali408 Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 The kids will be fine. is this the man you want to set an example on how to behave? No wonder he walks over you. You let him. The kids will bounce back. Kick him out and give him a taste of what life is like without you. Don't engage in any conversation with him. Be matter of fact, let him see the kids, but don't discuss your relationship. If he feels the need to discuss, say, "you can discuss with my lawyer." In the same bed? Have you had him tested for STD's? Crabs? He's a sociopath. Kick him out and this is from a reformed cheater. 2
sweetkiwi Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Please stop putting up with this crap. It's better to be alone and find your happiness than to continue living in this abusive workd. BE STRONG!!! Surround yourself with people who really love you. Do right by you and your kids, meaning show them that you put them and yourself over their lying cheating father. Best of luck to you!!! Stay strong!!
aMguilts Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 You are right. I know you are. I need to sit down and talk with him on the fact that he needs to find a couch from one of his coworkers... most of them have cheated anyways, so they can related.0 there will be NO `sitting down and talking` he is not going to listen is he?? you need to TELL him next time you see him, say this " i want you out, i will give you 10 mins to get whatever it is you need but then if you are still here after 10 mins i`m calling the police" 10 9 8 .. aM
Esoteric Elf Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 There was a girl I once talked to and helped her to get through a difficult situation; her mother was in nearly the same position as you. I will give you the same advice I gave her: get rid of him. Her mother claimed she wanted a father figure around. Granted, but I would rather have children growing up wanting a father rather than growing up thinking this is what a relationship means. No father figure is better than a distasteful (this) one. 1
darkmoon Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 (edited) talk to a few lawyers because some are better than others - more clued up, efficient, loyal..crucially you want one that is hard-hitting and assertive not a loser - I think they call it getting your ducks in a row, I'd call it getting organised, you deserve better - ps you are hiring the lawyer so keep control Edited March 20, 2013 by darkmoon
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