Having a rough time

[LMNO]

First time poster here but have been viewing the forums for a while.

 

In quite a rough spot in life right now, and I dont know what to do. Ill try to keep it as short as possible.

 

So-I'm currently working in Afghanistan and have been here for just about 2 years. I have an almost 10 year old son, and have been off and on with his mother, whom I love immensely, for most of his life.

 

Although we were not exactly the picture of a healthy relationship before I left for work here, we were still together. Coming here was my chance to finally make good money, and provide the life for my son and his mother that I had always wanted to. My son's mom has never really treated me very well, although a good portion of the time I somewhat deserved it, as I was young, dumb, and pretty stupid at times. Since being here, she has never been very supportive or loving. Any time I call to talk to her and my son it usually seemed as if I was bothering her, if she would even answer the phone. Getting her to mail me a care package was like pulling teeth. Having an ear to talk to about the day to day struggles of life over here was pretty much non existent. Either way, I love this woman with all my heart and continued to stick it out, hoping for a better future once done out here.

 

Well-she dumped me numerous times in the first year. I'd come home for leave and we'd work it out, then I'd return and it would be right back to the same old story. About 8 months ago I was having a really hard time out here, super stressed, and dealing with the almost daily- life threatening occurance's. As we were talking one day, I told her I wasnt sure at that point what I wanted when it cme to us. I consistently felt unloved and alone out here, which made me second guess us, along with everything else in our long tattered history together. Her response was-dont expect me to wait around. Didnt even care enough to ask what was wrong or why was I having these feelings. Well-she was pretty much instantly in a new relationship with a co-worker that she had started seeing a couple months before, when she was basically stringing me along out here, yet "seeing" other people back home that I didnt know about.

 

Well, a couple months later I had a very close near death experience out here, that made me realize a lot of things about who I've been in the past, what I've done to hurt her and our relationship, and what I want for the future. I cant imagine my life without her in it, or the 3 of us being a happy family together. Of course she is still with this other guy, is playing house with him and our son, and consistently throws it in my face as a way to continuously hurt me.

 

Being here with nothing but time to think, I cant seem to get over it. My heart is extremely broken and lost without her. I've read all sorts of books, that seem to help a bit, but when it comes down to it, I'm struggling immensely.

 

There's so much more to the story that I havnt mentioned, but I guess it doesnt matter either way. Extremely depressed here now, and would love some advice/encouragement on how to move forward, or if there's a reconcilliation possible, how to obtain it.

 

Thanks in advance.

Edited March 13, 2013 by LMNO

[LMNO]

It's very hard being here with no one to talk to, in a world where all are supposed to be strong and keep your feelings bottled up/not have any.

 

Up untill a month ago, I was so distrought I honestly didnt know if I'd make it out of here alive. The pain is crazy. Having no release or way to escape it other than the gym(which can only help so much), has made it all even more difficult.

 

This is the first time I know of that she has brought another guy into my son's life. On top of the loss, the worry of me being here, and him being there-creeping into my son's life, trying to take my spot, and break the bond I have with him is killing me.

 

Is it wrong for me to want to speak with this guy over the phone? I feel I at least have the right to know what kind of person she is having around our son, and to let him know that just because I'm here, doesnt mean I'm an absent father. Knowing the manipulative, vindictive woman she is most of the time, I'm sure he has no idea what the true reality of the sitution is.

 

Is this just another one of her games to hurt me? Is it just a rebound for her? So many questions I have, with seemingly no answers.....

[cavalier99]

Sorry man that is rough. I don't have a lot of time to write right now. But you have come to the right place for good advise. A least for now i think you really need to try to accept the situation because there isn't anything you can do to change it. Your boy will be fine. Focus on what you can control and that is yourself.

 

Just breath and stay focused on the moment. You cant keep on tormenting yourself. Is there a 12 step program you can attend there? Even if your not a addict id go to an AA meeting or something similar to help cope. Cav

[McGriff]

Man, that is a tough situation. I know what you are going through as I am ex military and used to do 6 week rotations in Saudi Arabia in the 90's a couple times per year. It really is homesick that's hard to describe when you're so far away and unable to really be able to connect to the ones back home physically. Really tough stuff, and will certain test your character. You need to really understand that your MOST IMPORTANT thing is your son. The woman (while its hard I know) can be replaced. Write letters to your son, buy him things in Afghanistan and phone him as much as possible. Eventually your time there is gonna end, and I'm assuming you're coming home with an assload of tax free moolah. I would say, definitely lean on friends you have there in theater, keep working out and just bide your time with books until you get back home. Your son isn't going anywhere and no man can ever take the place of an involved and loving father. Keep your head up, put one foot in front of the other, and you will be fine, I promise!

[LMNO]

Unfortunately there really isnt any programs I can get involved in here Cav.

 

Thanks for the kind words McGriff. Its all easier said then done as I'm sure you know, but it is a work in progress I gues.

[Chi townD]

Is it wrong for me to want to speak with this guy over the phone?

 

Why? This guy knew she was in a relationship and had a family. He didn't give a sh*t about you or your family when he made a play on her. Why would he give a sh*t what you have to say?

 

So, you answered your own question about what kind of man is around your son. He's a douche rocket that has no problem breaking up a family for his own selfish and personal gratification. That's who he is.

 

Look, you need to look out for yourself now. You're in one of the most hostile area's on the entire planet. Sure, the money is good, but you need to do your job and get out all in one piece. Even though your making good money, your son need you in his life. So, I strongly recommend that you make this your last tour over there. Your son needs you. It would be easier if your kid had the support of the family. But, you don't have that anymore. So, you have to gve him the love and support from the BEST DAD IN THE WORLD!

 

Your Ex (or whatever the hell she is) would love nothing more than have this douche rocket replace you (and she's probably told you this in not so many words). DO NOT let her do that. Don't let her win. This is YOUR son, not his.

 

It's time to start looking out for yourself and your son.

[LMNO]

Rodger that. Painful, but true

[Chi townD]

Look, I don't want to bring you down and that's the last thing I want to do when you're in a place that you have to constantly be on your toes.

 

You have to get back home. Save a nice nest egg while you're over there and buy yourself a nice place when you get back for you and your son. Start looking out for your self. When you get back, I don't know if you'll be able to continue to work where you're currently employed at, but your work oversea's will definately look good on a resume.

 

Then, once you've heal from this, it's time to find yourself a strong woman. Your Ex was weak. She couldn't handle you being away and taking care of the homefront. I don't believe that your military but you may as well be. And they say the toughest job in the military is a military spouse. You need to find a strong and independant woman that really doesn't need you. She could survive without you. She'll be with you because she WANTS to be with you and not to NEED to be with you. There's a big difference.

 

Then, take care of your child. HE's the most important thing in the world to you right now. Do right by him, and you're gonna have a kid at is going to be so happy and proud to have you as his Dad (maybe not in his teenage years. ).