Am fighting urge to contact

[Jingle14]

I know I must not - what would be the point - and I haven't even felt I wanted to for a while. (I sent him a text for a specific reason at Halloween, no reply but that wasn't a surprise).

 

I've just come back after a lovely few days away in Cornwall, beautiful weather, spring flowers are out. When I was there, 260 miles from home - where he, and all reminders, are 5 minutes away - I was ok (still thought of him but it was managable, albeit there were some tears). But now I'm back here and the sight of the sunny weather and daffodils is so unbearably painful as that brings back reminders of incredibly happy and close times. It makes me want to cry at the thought he won't be affected at all, if he even remembers those times - or me - and will be enjoying them with someone else, happy and laughing like he did with me (and does he buy her daffodils too, like we bought for each other?). I'm assuming he's with the person he started seeing in autumn 2011 (a week after sharing my bed!) but I don't know for sure and I don't want to - he could be with someone else entirely, or no-one at all but I don't want to know either way.

 

I want to see him, I want to talk to him. I can't even bear to open the curtains today to let this sunny, mocking weather in. I wish I could run away, go heading back to Cornwall and away from here, but I can't as my son would never move away from his dad (not the man who broke my heart) and I won't leave my son, so I'm trapped and stuck living in the same neighbourhood.

 

This man (I'd known for 2.5 years platonically but had developed what I thought were unrequited feelings) for pursued me (as soon as his own marriage ended) knowing I was married and I gave up everything for him (within weeks, my now ex husband met someone else and is happy and for that I am thankful as we'd not been happy for a long time and we're friends now) but he didn't have the balls or maturity to see it through and I think that's shameful. (and I don't ask for judgement, the guilt of my actions is mine to live with). How can you leave someone who has sacrificed so much for you? It will be 2 years in June but I'm not over it. I'm hurt, mistrustful, guarded, bitter and still can't believe 'we' ever ended.

 

I don't have his phone number but could easily get it, but his email address is still automatically stored (it's a stab in the heart when I forget and type in an address starting with the same letter and his name comes up as a suggestion). To stop myself, I keep having to remember the words he spoke to me last summer (when we hugged tightly for an hour) 'you have to let me go' (I told him 'I don't know what you mean, you're not mine anymore to let go of') but then I remember the hug and how comfortable we felt together, his eyes closed and head buried into my neck, his arms holding me tightly - not the actions that matched his words, and actions do speak louder than words. I so desperately want to see him again and I'm going mad.

Edited March 13, 2013 by Jingle14

[Debbie2508]

I know I must not - what would be the point - and I haven't even felt I wanted to for a while. (I sent him a text for a specific reason at Halloween, no reply but that wasn't a surprise).

 

I've just come back after a lovely few days away in Cornwall, beautiful weather, spring flowers are out. When I was there, 260 miles from home - where he, and all reminders, are 5 minutes away - I was ok (still thought of him but it was managable, albeit there were some tears). But now I'm back here and the sight of the sunny weather and daffodils is so unbearably painful as that brings back reminders of incredibly happy and close times. It makes me want to cry at the thought he won't be affected at all, if he even remembers those times - or me - and will be enjoying them with someone else, happy and laughing like he did with me (and does he buy her daffodils too, like we bought for each other?). I'm assuming he's with the person he started seeing in autumn 2011 (a week after sharing my bed!) but I don't know for sure and I don't want to - he could be with someone else entirely, or no-one at all but I don't want to know either way.

 

I want to see him, I want to talk to him. I can't even bear to open the curtains today to let this sunny, mocking weather in. I wish I could run away, go heading back to Cornwall and away from here, but I can't as my son would never move away from his dad (not the man who broke my heart) and I won't leave my son, so I'm trapped and stuck living in the same neighbourhood.

 

This man (I'd known for 2.5 years platonically but had developed what I thought were unrequited feelings) for pursued me (as soon as his own marriage ended) knowing I was married and I gave up everything for him (within weeks, my now ex husband met someone else and is happy and for that I am thankful as we'd not been happy for a long time and we're friends now) but he didn't have the balls or maturity to see it through and I think that's shameful. (and I don't ask for judgement, the guilt of my actions is mine to live with). How can you leave someone who has sacrificed so much for you? It will be 2 years in June but I'm not over it. I'm hurt, mistrustful, guarded, bitter and still can't believe 'we' ever ended.

 

I don't have his phone number but could easily get it, but his email address is still automatically stored (it's a stab in the heart when I forget and type in an address starting with the same letter and his name comes up as a suggestion). To stop myself, I keep having to remember the words he spoke to me last summer (when we hugged tightly for an hour) 'you have to let me go' (I told him 'I don't know what you mean, you're not mine anymore to let go of') but then I remember the hug and how comfortable we felt together, his eyes closed and head buried into my neck, his arms holding me tightly - not the actions that matched his words, and actions do speak louder than words. I so desperately want to see him again and I'm going mad.

 

No words of wisdom from me, I'm afraid, Jingle..... but you're not alone, every single word you wrote struck a chord with me. They "move on" and we're left with the heart breaking memories!

 

Chin up

[Joan Clyde Parafina]

Its like four seasons, I suppose.

 

Been inlove with a guy from the very first day of winter until spring is coming over. However, the relationship ended and it hurts so bad.

 

Its the end of the season, of the relationship, but not your life. Its difficult at first, but there's no such easy way out. Time can heal everything, so give time, time.. If other people was able to move on, knowing that they've been through heartaches and shed tears, I believe , we too, can.