mishy Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 So i have been reading teh book How To Break Your Addiction To A Person, and its describing me completely. It talks of the panic you feel when they cut you off or you have a fight and how you do anything to get them back, despite the fact they are abusive or nasty, or make you fell bad most of teh time, ie better off without them. Classic example of the last contact i had with him, and a repeated pattern. He was meant to contact me one night and didnt and the next day i asked so what happened to you last night, and he replied "Its called a busy life" I took great offence and was like, why are you being nasty etc, it was just a question etc, didnt mean anything by it. I kept asking and he refused to explain or apologise or anything, just told me to stop texting. So a couple of days later, because i could not bare to be cut off like that and have no discuussion about it, I ended up texting him an apology that it was all my fault, i shouldnt have questioned him on it, that he was obviously irritated, and i should have just let it go. (cringe) He accepted the apology but didnt apologise to me for the original comment. So everything gets twisted around and his rude comment would end in ME having to apologise to HIM. Did he do this deliberately? Just so that he never has to apologise? This is what he always did whenever i called him out on anything, he woudl just be silent and id get mad and then have to apologise to him MINDGAMES
thekarmacist Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 (edited) first off, STOP contacting this guy! you're reading a book about how to break your addiction to him, and you're STILL contacting him?! come on. i'm beginning to think you and frederickkk need to exchange phone numbers. WHY are you perseverating on whyever mr. soandso does whatever he does or says whatever he says? because it's the ONLY way you maintain a connection with him. IN YOUR HEAD. your story reads like a bad psychoanalysis. cut it out. Edited March 13, 2013 by thekarmacist
Author mishy Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 I am not in contact with him, the above scenario was weeks ago All I am doing is reflecting on it while I am reading the book
thekarmacist Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 good. but you ARE still perseverating on why he does what HE does. start thinking and examining why YOU put up with it.
Author mishy Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 good. but you ARE still perseverating on why he does what HE does. start thinking and examining why YOU put up with it.[/QUO Well by analysing the whole things a whole, I can make the break permanent. All I was saying was it mind games or was it ME
thekarmacist Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 it would seem that if you are in possession of a book entitled 'how to break an addiction to a person', you already know the answer to that question. and the answer is really irrelevant. if he treated you in a manner that was hurtful and you didn't like it, WHY DID YOU PUT UP WITH IT? that's the question for which you should be eagerly searching the answer.
Compromize Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Mind/control games. My ex did the same thing to me. I would cave under the lack of contact and apologize just to break the silence when I knew that I had not done anything to apologize for, other than calling her out on some bull pucky. I also got the "I'm sorry you feel that way" apology numerous times. Come to think of it, I don't think I ever received more than a small handfull of actual sincere apologies. I know why you put up with it. For the same reason I did. Love blinders. You are so in-love, addicted to them that you will do whatever it takes to stop the "bad" and get back to the "good". It wasn't you but you enabled the behaviour, just like I did. Towards the end I stopped apologizing. I became very aware of it. 1
Author mishy Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 Mind/control games. My ex did the same thing to me. I would cave under the lack of contact and apologize just to break the silence when I knew that I had not done anything to apologize for, other than calling her out on some bull pucky. I also got the "I'm sorry you feel that way" apology numerous times. Come to think of it, I don't think I ever received more than a small handfull of actual sincere apologies. I know why you put up with it. For the same reason I did. Love blinders. You are so in-love, addicted to them that you will do whatever it takes to stop the "bad" and get back to the "good". It wasn't you but you enabled the behaviour, just like I did. Towards the end I stopped apologizing. I became very aware of it. That's exactly the same thing as me. He would say some insult or rude comment, and then when I would point out how rude it was I would get stonewalled, for days and days, then I'd panic and apologise. And he never ever apologised for anything, and that last thing that happened, the "it's called a busy life", I never got any apology for that either, and that was by rude I thought
Author mishy Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 it would seem that if you are in possession of a book entitled 'how to break an addiction to a person', you already know the answer to that question. and the answer is really irrelevant. if he treated you in a manner that was hurtful and you didn't like it, WHY DID YOU PUT UP WITH IT? that's the question for which you should be eagerly searching the answer. I think I put up with it because he would silent treatment me after he would dish out the bad treatment until I apologised to him. So I always believed everything was my fault, thats why I put up with it 1
Wabisabi Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 I'm not sure if it's his mind game but I'm almost certain you're responsible for this pattern. Coz I was like you. I loved my bf and was afraid of losing him so each time he did something mean to me I always ended up apologizing and putting more effort into the relationship…just coz I was afraid he'd leave me. Truth is, we allowed ourselves to be treated that way. Not only will he not appreciate it, we'll end up being more and more insecure and our self-esteem will take a dip. I had to accept that he's just not that into me as I was in him. Gotta learn to respect ourselves and if the guy does not apologize for his mistakes, that says a lot about him right? Do we really want a love like that? I guess not. 2
Damaged23 Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 I'm not sure if it's his mind game but I'm almost certain you're responsible for this pattern. Coz I was like you. I loved my bf and was afraid of losing him so each time he did something mean to me I always ended up apologizing and putting more effort into the relationship…just coz I was afraid he'd leave me. Truth is, we allowed ourselves to be treated that way. Not only will he not appreciate it, we'll end up being more and more insecure and our self-esteem will take a dip. I had to accept that he's just not that into me as I was in him. Gotta learn to respect ourselves and if the guy does not apologize for his mistakes, that says a lot about him right? Do we really want a love like that? I guess not. Exactly how I see it now. I would **** up and I would apologize after realizing what I had done, but with him he would do something that bothered me, I would tell him about it and get irritated and then I was the one who would end up apologizing.. He would tell me I deserved the things he did and he wouldn't feel bad:( 1
Simon Phoenix Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 After five years, the problem was definitely much more you than him. 1
Logan oO Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 My ex is still doing the similar thing. A week ago she's 'f-off and leave me alone' then i gave up, so then she still contacts me, when she needs or wants something...'can you call me a taxi' 'can you text my mum to say i'll be late' etc and the other night she asked me to call her...so i did, and she was crying i immediately realized i was doing better and stayed 'neutral to her' in the phone call, she was crying because of getting ill and its getting her down making her angry, sad, miserable etc. Point being is that these people thrive without sometimes knowing it that they themselves can't let go, but it's usually after all the suffering and pain you have endured has made you stronger and you have gotten over them. Long story short, she still talks to me, but i only answer questions, i don't ask them. Some of you may judge me keeping in contact. A few things to consider - We live 150 miles apart now. Share None of the same friends. A Week ago i couldn't stop texting and phoning her off the hook. Now i just answer when she talks to me. If she don't then i just carry on with my business. Like tommorow evening i'm off out to the dog track to meet up with a lot of friends and have a jolly good time Screw the ex that doesn't want you, stop chasing for that explanation. YES you deserver one! but they won't give one because then you have closure and will move on! Meaning they lose that fallback connection. Give up - Accept - Rise Above - Become a stronger you 2
cavalier99 Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 (edited) Mishy you've had many epiphanies. But supposedly you were going hard core NC months and months ago. Then you proceeded to play at starting a business with him etcetera. When are you going to end your torment and stick to something 100 percent. It isn't him it is all you at this point letting this go on. I hope your serious this time but im not hopeful. But i guess it is good at least your still trying. Are you ever going to get serious about this or are you going to let more years pass? Only you can help yourself there is nothing here anyone can say at this point. There really isn't anything to analyse. The only posts you should be making are 1 month nc, 2 months NC, 3 months NC, 1year NC ecetera. Cav Edited March 15, 2013 by cavalier99
NoMoreJerks Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 So i have been reading teh book How To Break Your Addiction To A Person, and its describing me completely. It talks of the panic you feel when they cut you off or you have a fight and how you do anything to get them back, despite the fact they are abusive or nasty, or make you fell bad most of teh time, ie better off without them. Classic example of the last contact i had with him, and a repeated pattern. He was meant to contact me one night and didnt and the next day i asked so what happened to you last night, and he replied "Its called a busy life" I took great offence and was like, why are you being nasty etc, it was just a question etc, didnt mean anything by it. I kept asking and he refused to explain or apologise or anything, just told me to stop texting. So a couple of days later, because i could not bare to be cut off like that and have no discuussion about it, I ended up texting him an apology that it was all my fault, i shouldnt have questioned him on it, that he was obviously irritated, and i should have just let it go. (cringe) He accepted the apology but didnt apologise to me for the original comment. So everything gets twisted around and his rude comment would end in ME having to apologise to HIM. Did he do this deliberately? Just so that he never has to apologise? This is what he always did whenever i called him out on anything, he woudl just be silent and id get mad and then have to apologise to him MINDGAMES Yeah, this was the modus operandi of my ex. It's mindgames. He never once, not once, apologized, even though he treated me like garbage. In the end, after a bout of him treating me like garbage, I'd feel bad/guilty, and would contact him and apologize, and he'd "take me back" and I was supposed to be "grateful" for it. F*** that. I am not accepting that sort of treatment anymore. A man (or a woman) who can't apologize for something wrong that he/she has done, is not someone I want to be with, someone who will enrich my life, and make me feel happy. I don't want to live on my knees all the time. 2
NoMoreJerks Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 That's exactly the same thing as me. He would say some insult or rude comment, and then when I would point out how rude it was I would get stonewalled, for days and days, then I'd panic and apologise. And he never ever apologised for anything, and that last thing that happened, the "it's called a busy life", I never got any apology for that either, and that was by rude I thought You are dealing with a narcissist. The stonewalling is typical. He's playing games and throwing a tantrum until he gets his way. He's used to -- or thinks he deserves -- getting his way all the time. I urge you to leave him to his "busy life" and find someone else. By the sounds of it, he's way too busy for you anyway.
Wabisabi Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 Exactly how I see it now. I would **** up and I would apologize after realizing what I had done, but with him he would do something that bothered me, I would tell him about it and get irritated and then I was the one who would end up apologizing.. He would tell me I deserved the things he did and he wouldn't feel bad:( What an ***hole. Good riddance.
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