How to recover from being FZ’d?

[CryForNoOne]

So looking for some advice here. As many already know, after 3 dates I got FZ'd by a woman I'm crazy about. We texted constantly the first two weeks then very sparingly since being FZ'd. I backed off on the flirting entirely but the only text message from her last week I definitely interpret as flirtatious. Tuesday night at midnight she randomly texts me: “I just opened a bottle of wine! Feeling pretty good about it ;-)” I replied with a joke and she replied “LOL!” I then commented on my day. She didn’t reply but I didn’t think much of it.

 

3 days later I texted her “I’ll be performing at a St. Patty’s event on Saturday about 8PM. My guess is you’re working but I still wanted to invite you.” During the FZ convo, she asked me to tell her about my next gig. I didn’t think my text was suggesting in any way it was another date. Silence for 4 days made me wonder how I could have possibly weirded her out. I had written off hearing from her again, then out of the blue she replies back today “Thanks for the invite – I’m actually in DC til Tuesday. Have an awesome gig and wear green!”

 

So what am I to infer from the text about the bottle of wine? That seemed totally flirtatious to me. But then 4 days to reply to a simple invite? All I can draw upon is my own text messaging patterns. If I have zero interest I'll never reply. The only possible reason I’d go hours or days between replies is when I’m juggling romantic attachment to more than one woman. If the girl I’m less interested in texts me about when we’re going out again, I won’t respond right away. I’m holding out for making plans with someone else. Once those plans are settled or fall through, I'll reply “Sorry been real busy blah blah blah”. That’s exactly how I’m reading this now. Am I way off base here? Ladies, what other possible explanation could there be? Obviously my goal here is to maintain contact and develop the friendship and hold out hope. I’ve had more than one gorgeous female friend tell me that her last boyfriend pursued her for months before she finally "caved". It actually seems to be the norm...

Edited March 13, 2013 by CryForNoOne

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

So looking for some advice here. As many already know, after 3 dates I got FZ'd by a woman I'm crazy about. We texted constantly the first two weeks then very sparingly since being FZ'd. I backed off on the flirting entirely but the only text message from her last week I definitely interpret as flirtatious. Tuesday night at midnight she randomly texts me: “I just opened a bottle of wine! Feeling pretty good about it ;-)” I replied with a joke and she replied “LOL!” I then commented on my day. She didn’t reply but I didn’t think much of it.

 

3 days later I texted her “I’ll be performing at a St. Patty’s event on Saturday about 8PM. My guess is you’re working but I still wanted to invite you.” During the FZ convo, she asked me to tell her about my next gig. I didn’t think my text was suggesting in any way it was another date. Silence for 4 days made me wonder how I could have possibly weirded her out. I had written off hearing from her again, then out of the blue she replies back today “Thanks for the invite – I’m actually in DC til Tuesday. Have an awesome gig and wear green!”

 

So what am I to infer from the text about the bottle of wine? That seemed totally flirtatious to me. But then 4 days to reply to a simple invite? All I can draw upon is my own text messaging patterns. If I have zero interest I'll never reply. The only possible reason I’d go hours or days between replies is when I’m juggling romantic attachment to more than one woman. If the girl I’m less interested in texts me about when we’re going out again, I won’t respond right away. I’m holding out for making plans with someone else. Once those plans are settled or fall through, I'll reply “Sorry been real busy blah blah blah”. That’s exactly how I’m reading this now. Am I way off base here? Ladies, what other possible explanation could there be? Obviously my goal here is to maintain contact and develop the friendship and hold out hope. I’ve had more than one gorgeous female friend tell me that her last boyfriend pursued her for months before she finally "caved". It actually seems to be the norm...

 

Stop thinking about it so much. You're crazy about her and she knows it. You're probably coming off as needy.

 

The friend zone is an illusion. Go back to being cool and casual like you were before and you'll get her. Next time you have her out, make a move.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

Hope you become the next one with whom she "eventually caves" into. Not much else you can do.

 

Im so glad Im done with the bull**** of LA dating after reading your threads though

 

I live a few hours from LA right now. I've traveled all across the US and to many places in the world. I can honestly say that LA is one of my least favorite places I've been to.

[Divasu]

As many already know, after 3 dates I got FZ'd by a woman I'm crazy about.

 

Do you know why you were "friend zoned"?

[outsidethebox]

imo you FZ'ed her when she popped the cork at midnight and texted you she was feeling good and you didn't say "i'm on my way, don't start without me" then whisper in her ear on the way over.

 

ok, at least pretend to her it would take a team of horses to stop you.

[CryForNoOne]

Stop thinking about it so much. You're crazy about her and she knows it. You're probably coming off as needy.

 

The friend zone is an illusion. Go back to being cool and casual like you were before and you'll get her. Next time you have her out, make a move.

 

OK so we haven't seen each other since the FZ convo. We exchanged the above text messages, preceded by a few others that were basically Facebook status updates. So despite thinking about her all the time (I absolutely am!), how could she possibly sense I'm still crazy about her or needy?

 

What do you mean the FZ is an "illusion"? She's making it up to push back a little but I'm still in the game? I mean that’s my read. Why the hell else the bottle of wine comment. I mean c’mon if she KNOWS I'm crazy about her NO WAY you say that unless you're just being cruel… And she's not that type.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

OK so we haven't seen each other since the FZ convo. We exchanged the above text messages, preceded by a few others that were basically Facebook status updates. So despite thinking about her all the time (I absolutely am!), how could she possibly sense I'm still crazy about her or needy?

 

What do you mean the FZ is an "illusion"? She's making it up to push back a little but I'm still in the game? I mean that’s my read. Why the hell else the bottle of wine comment. I mean c’mon if she KNOWS I'm crazy about her NO WAY you say that unless you're just being cruel… And she's not that type.

 

I'm saying that you essentially put yourself in the friendzone for not making a move that night.

 

There are a few ways out of this. Nothing will absolutely guarantee that you get the girl (because it's always less likely to get the girl when you're in damage control). Here's what I've found to work:

 

1) Keep her as a friend and genuinely be her friend without expecting more. Believe it or not, this has worked out very well for me in the past.

 

2) Tell her you need to talk to her about something important. Meet her face to face and tell her your feelings (this is about the only time you will ever see me advise anything like this). Then break off contact with her.

 

3) Just keep doing what you're doing. Try to get her back out again.

 

In my experience, option 3 has never worked. Option 1 and 2 have definitely worked, but they also haven't worked at times. It could go either way.

 

Basically, whatever you decide to do, plan on the possibility that you may have lost her.

 

And, of course, keep meeting new women since there are millions out there.

[CryForNoOne]

Do you know why you were "friend zoned"?

 

Yeah I do. The night we met and the first date went amazingly well. Of over a hundred first dates, the best I ever. I met her at at bar, asked her by text an hour after getting her number (I never do that!), and we were on a date less than 24 hours later. When she sat down for dinner I said "I'm going to marry this girl". The more we talked the better the evening got. After all the bars closed, we sat in my car and talked another 2 hours then made out. I probably could have taken her home but I backed off because I didn't want to rush things. Between dates we did lovey dovey krap like exchanging Youtube videos of cheesy ballads we recorded for each other (we're both singers/musicians). A few days later we hiked and it all went downhill. I was getting a sore throat so I didn't kiss her when we met. We had great banter and convo as usual, just like our first two meetings but I started getting in my head about the sudden lack of affection. Was it the lack of booze? Was it because I was sick? Was it the long sweaty hike? Did she pull back too? Whatever it was, it was clear something went really wrong and the hike ended with a hug. The third date, was more of the same and ended in with the FZ convo. I'll tell you as an experienced dater, I was firmly in control when we met and first date. I bumped into my good buddy Jon while on our first date and when she went to the ladies room he told me “Dude. She’s soooo into you. Nice work!” Somehow I put her on a pedestal, which is something I haven't done in years, and it was over the second I did that.

[CryForNoOne]

imo you FZ'ed her when she popped the cork at midnight and texted you she was feeling good and you didn't say "i'm on my way, don't start without me" then whisper in her ear on the way over.

 

ok, at least pretend to her it would take a team of horses to stop you.

 

Gotta disagree here. I think the best move is to respect her f2f request and back off. I'm already smothering. For sure I need to play it cool for a few weeks.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

Gotta disagree here. I think the best move is to respect her f2f request and back off. I'm already smothering. For sure I need to play it cool for a few weeks.

 

Why are you asking for advice then?

[CryForNoOne]

2) Tell her you need to talk to her about something important. Meet her face to face and tell her your feelings (this is about the only time you will ever see me advise anything like this). Then break off contact with her.

 

You know last Tuesday I was minutes away from sending a text message asking to meet for exactly as you suggest above. It was saved as a draft and I was just debating when to press send. Then randomly she sent me the bottle of wine text. I thought to myself. Holy crap! I would have totally blown it if I sent that text!

 

I'm still banking that idea away, but I think it would be best when I'm completely out of the depression I'm in now. I want her to see how crazy I am about her without coming off as needy.

[CryForNoOne]

Why are you asking for advice then?

 

I'm just saying I don't think I should continue overtly hitting on her. Like you said go back to cool and in control. Then wait for the opportunity and seize the moment but stop acting like a stupid puppy dog that jumps every time she waves a bone...

 

I guess the real advice I'm asking for at the moment is how to read her bottle of wine text and length between replies. If I understand what she's thinking I'm very good at coming up with a plan to get what I want...

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

You know last Tuesday I was minutes away from sending a text message asking to meet for exactly as you suggest above. It was saved as a draft and I was just debating when to press send. Then randomly she sent me the bottle of wine text. I thought to myself. Holy crap! I would have totally blown it if I sent that text!

 

I'm still banking that idea away, but I think it would be best when I'm completely out of the depression I'm in now. I want her to see how crazy I am about her without coming off as needy.

 

That's not needy....especially if you cut off contact with her. That's showing her that you can express emotion, but that you have the balls to walk away. I think it's pretty manly, if done right.

[Divasu]

Yeah I do. The night we met and the first date went amazingly well. Of over a hundred first dates, the best I ever. I met her at at bar, asked her by text an hour after getting her number (I never do that!), and we were on a date less than 24 hours later. When she sat down for dinner I said "I'm going to marry this girl". The more we talked the better the evening got. After all the bars closed, we sat in my car and talked another 2 hours then made out. I probably could have taken her home but I backed off because I didn't want to rush things. Between dates we did lovey dovey krap like exchanging Youtube videos of cheesy ballads we recorded for each other (we're both singers/musicians). A few days later we hiked and it all went downhill. I was getting a sore throat so I didn't kiss her when we met. We had great banter and convo as usual, just like our first two meetings but I started getting in my head about the sudden lack of affection. Was it the lack of booze? Was it because I was sick? Was it the long sweaty hike? Did she pull back too? Whatever it was, it was clear something went really wrong and the hike ended with a hug. The third date, was more of the same and ended in with the FZ convo. I'll tell you as an experienced dater, I was firmly in control when we met and first date. I bumped into my good buddy Jon while on our first date and when she went to the ladies room he told me “Dude. She’s soooo into you. Nice work!” Somehow I put her on a pedestal, which is something I haven't done in years, and it was over the second I did that.

 

Gah, that's tough. Not sure what happened there.

[CryForNoOne]

That's not needy....especially if you cut off contact with her. That's showing her that you can express emotion, but that you have the balls to walk away. I think it's pretty manly, if done right.

 

Agreed. I like the walk away part. If she wants me, she'll come after me. Sitting there waiting is almost the equivalent of begging.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

I'm just saying I don't think I should continue overtly hitting on her. Like you said go back to cool and in control. Then wait for the opportunity and seize the moment but stop acting like a stupid puppy dog that jumps every time she waves a bone...

 

I guess the real advice I'm asking for at the moment is how to read her bottle of wine text and length between replies. If I understand what she's thinking I'm very good at coming up with a plan to get what I want...

 

I think you're over-analyzing this girl's every action because you like her. Do one of the options I've listed or do nothing.

 

Like you said, be cool and relax. You're looking too much into it.

[PogoStick]

Stop being a wimp. Stop trying to, sort of, kind of, maybe, slide in a suggestion of a date. Ask her out if you like her. If you're not willing to risk rejection then you have no chance of her saying yes.

 

Sounds like you already blew it though. So ask her out. Let her reject you. Then don't contact her and don't engage in chatty friendly texts. If she contacts you again then directly ask her out. If she says no then go back to ignoring her. In other words, the only communication should be about the two of you going on a date (you can call it hanging out, going out, whatever).

 

If you don't want to be friendzoned, then stop being her friend.

[fishtaco]

Meh, that's LA women for you. One chick I met, first date, a "30 min coffee chat date" turned into a full day date, ended with making out at a bar. A week later, her FB status became "in a relationship". Didn't even have the courage to tell me. Heh, that's just how LA women roll.

 

Amazing date, kiss, even sex, often means nothing more than the action itself; you can't jump to conclusions and put meanings to them. Also if you don't multidate, you're the fool. No, I wasn't the fool; I was already going on dates with two other women at the time. So, touché.

 

Anyway, OP, your first mistake is "crazy about her". That's called over-investment. It's a noob mistake that's difficult to control for everyone. The best solution to that, is to find a counter weight -- go date someone else. You have to train yourself to de-crazy about a woman. Personally I find that focusing your energy on someone else is great distraction. Even if that someone else isn't interesting enough. That's fine, the primary mission is to distract yourself anyway.

 

As for breaking out the friendzone, the typical generic strategy is: When dealing with women, attention is your currency. So increase attention, then drop off, then subtly let her know you're giving attention to another woman. Increase attention establishes a new comfort zone. Dropping off takes that away. Giving it to someone else sparks her competitiveness and insecurity. Maybe she'll temporarily turn around, then you need to strike right away, because it won't last. Then you bank on dating inertia.

 

But this has very low percentage of success. Personally, I say not worth it. I don't care how amazing a woman is, as soon as I'm friend zoned, she's no longer amazing, and not worth my time. She can be amazing to someone else, maybe even become an amazing platonic friend (only time will tell), but she is no longer relevant and not on my radar. Easier said than done of course. But I found that the more you date in LA, the more cynical you become. The more cynical you become, the more control you have over your actions and thoughts.

 

How this impacts relationships, I have no idea. I have enough experience to give opinions about dating, although I can't vouch for their effectiveness. But when it comes to relationships, I'll raise my hand and say I don't know what the F I'm doing. So cynical and not giving a crap really helps with dating, but outside of that, I don't know if that's a good attribute to gain. Unfortunately, dating in LA, you don't have much of a choice. Only the really dumb and really wise can be immune to becoming cynical.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Yeah, putting a woman on a pedestal is a sure way to sink your own ship. For some reason when you actually meet someone that blows you away, being smitten and overzealous with interest will kill your vibe fast...even if you aren't ever that way.

 

It's been a while too since I've ran into a situation like that, I hardly get into a situation anymore at 32 years old where I feel overwhelmed or even very nervous around a woman, even If I really like her or think she's attractive and I'm interested. But once in a great while I meet that woman that turns me into the cartoon where my eyes pop out and feet start stomping, and I start feeling like goofy. It's definitely an exaggeration of interest since you are in a word...smitten. But that's when you have to keep your cool the most, I've definitely found myself feeling that way at times and was able to keep my head out of it enough to stay "composed"...but clearly I had become different, way more flirtatious and my body language completely changes where as normally I would keep my interest a bit of balance non-verbally. It didn't sink me on those occasions, but of course the times I did do that...mainly when I was much younger, I just showed way too much interest and scared her away.

 

I think it's just a matter of being overwhelmed with that tunnel vision and become too focused, attentive and analytical about things you would normally not be...and that's a bad thing IMO unless it's mutual or until it is so.

 

However you've managed to go on a few dates already and had some interaction with her. I think not being intimate with her was probably something that cost you or not making a move when she kind of opened the door for that...many women live in the moment and emotionally they can waver...especially here in LA where they tend to multi-date or have multiple interest as the guys here have no shame in feeding into a woman's attention whoring..even the most average of women can feel like a model here...and if she is "hot"....forget it, guys come out of the woodwork from all directions, men who will be their "friends" to wine and dine them into the bedroom.

 

So I'd definitely advise you to avoid that...seeking refuge in the FZ and just playing it cool, trying to sneak under the radar until you catch her at a weak and vulnerable moment where she opens up to you...that is definitely not my style personally. Only reasonable option at this point is back off completely and let her show interest back to you, otherwise I think you'll be swimming with the fishes...I think you had your chance, and you may have blown it. But this is Los Angeles, plenty of fish in the sea.

[greenetree]

Also if you don't multidate, you're the fool. No, I wasn't the fool; I was already going on dates with two other women at the time. So, touché.

 

Anyway, OP, your first mistake is "crazy about her". That's called over-investment. It's a noob mistake that's difficult to control for everyone. The best solution to that, is to find a counter weight -- go date someone else. You have to train yourself to de-crazy about a woman. Personally I find that focusing your energy on someone else is great distraction. Even if that someone else isn't interesting enough. That's fine, the primary mission is to distract yourself anyway.

 

I guess you never saw the OPs other thread. He is a multi-dating pig. He has a FWB and like 7 girls interested in him but he's pining after this one...

 

So cynical and not giving a crap really helps with dating, but outside of that, I don't know if that's a good attribute to gain. Unfortunately, dating in LA, you don't have much of a choice. Only the really dumb and really wise can be immune to becoming cynical.

 

Cynicism seems to work for him as he's complaining that all these other girls are attracted to him now that he's bitter about this girl FZing him and being a jerk...

[MrCasanova]

You recover from the friend zone by moving on. Invest your time into women who are interested in you.

[greenetree]

I had a very similar experience with a guy a few weeks ago. I think he just wanted sex as things we're going great until I tried to slow things down. The text messages were a trickle after that then I never heard from him again. I even sent the "let's talk" message after I hadn't heard from him in a week but zilch.

 

If I were her, I definitely not send that flirty text message unless she was somewhat interested. It does sound like maybe she is multi-dating. Did you meet her online?

[CryForNoOne]

So I've got an update. I hadn't heard from her (Z) in nearly three weeks other than one brief text. I've pretty much written off further contact and moved on. BUT NO. On Friday night some friends suggested dinner at the restaurant that Z works at, and I thought at first "hell no", but remembered she works Sat-Sun not Friday so I said OK. Our server (AM) was very attractive and so me and my two friends flirted with her throughout the night. In conversation I mentioned I knew Z. Nothing happened other than I made an impression with AM and knew she'd remember us if we came in again. Coincidentally, we bumped into her later that night as we were heading home. We chatted again for a few minutes. I didn't ask for her number but the thought crossed my mind.

 

So after 12 days of silence last night Z texts me. First she starts with some small talk including mentioning that she just happened to be at the restaurant I took her on our first date. Then drops "And random q - were you at <her work> last week?"

 

Me: "Yes I was at <her work> Friday and made friends with our server AM"

 

Z: "Yessss she said someone who matched your description had come in :)"

 

Me: "Haha. She spoke highly of you. We had a friendly banter and bumped into her after closing. Just curious. What was my description?"

 

Z: "A nice curly haired man with a bit of Asian flair who spoke highly of me."

 

Me: "Guilty as charged."

 

Here we go again. So obviously AM was interested enough to inquire about me. I was tempted to ask Z if AM was single but chose to say nothing else. It's one of the oldest tricks in the book to get a girl interested by having their friends talk about you. I didn't plan it that way but that's the way it has worked out.

 

I have actually met someone on OKC that I really like, but now this happens, and I'm thinking about Z again. It's obvious I'm not going to form a real relationship with anyone else as long as I maintain contact with her this way. Do I continue to play this game, bide my time, get her out again, and then try to seal the deal like I should have originally? Or end the FZ business and just ask her out repeatedly until she says yes or ends all contact. Or do I play games and ask AM out. Whom I'd gladly go out with if Z is not in the picture.