Falium Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 (edited) Alright, so here's the story. I would appreciate if you would read it throughly to understand my situation, as I really need help soon... I'm crumbling to pieces already... Almost 4 years ago, I met a girl which was 14 at the time and I was 18. After some time going out, we started dating, seeing each other more and more often, spending almost all our time together. Things were going perfect, we really loved each other, cared for each other, didn't suffocate each other, had the liberty of choice if we wanted to go out with friends or stay together (rarely we went out with friends tho). It was very romantic, I was her first real boyfriend, and first in many other things. As the end of my college was nearing 6 months ago, I told her I will move to another city in a few months time if I find a job there. She understood that as a breakup, even though I didn't want it. We went through with it though, and both suffered greatly. She wanted to get back to me, but I declined knowing that things would be even harder if I find a job and move so we break up for real in a month time. After some time, I realised I could work and travel for a while until she goes to college and moves in with me. As I wanted to propose that option to her, she reacted before me and told me she started seeing someone else, but not for serious, so I foolishly let her continue with that, thinking it would be better for her. She started going on parties every weekend, acting as she never acted before, getting high even tho she didn't want me to even smoke a cigarette, and was socializing with people clearly not her type. After a while, we got back together again, I was persistant and she dumped the guy for me. We were both so happy we are together again that she even wanted for us to have a baby together. I found a job and started traveling back and forth between 2 cities. Despite the fact we saw each other a bit less, she was telling everyone how excited she is about moving in with me in a few months. Until a month ago, when she suddenly broke up with me with no clear reason. I asked her many times again and again, and every time there was either a different reason or "one of the reasons I broke up with you was..". None of them made sense really. Some other guy showed up and started flirting with her and she with him, but she is still telling everyone she does not intend to date him (even though the flirting seems more intense every day). A week back, I had a concert and dedicated the last song to her, saying how much she helped me in my life and thanking her for making me feel complete. She rushed out of the bar crying and I went after her. We hugged for a long time, telling me how she missed me and how I have nothing to thank her for considering what she is doing to me. She almost kissed me, but I refused the kiss since prior to that she said she is a bit drunk and I didn't want to take the advantage. That same night, we went to a club, danced a bit, close but seperate. After we went home, we got into a small fight after which she said "it doesn't matter anyway anymore!". I asked her to repeat that while looking me in my eyes, and she repeated it, but looked away again. She contacted me every day, only for a few words to do her a favour which I did (that favour always seemed to have been somehow ruined so I had to do it again). Two days ago, I couldn't take it anymore, I went to her house and told her that I know she loves me still and to stop pretending, that it isn't her. Partying every saturday and flirting with other guys simply isn't what she is, she is quite calm and emotional. I even asked her to marry me to prove that I will never leave her again and that I always want her by my side, which she refused. She kept telling me we will never be together again, and I asked her to tell me that while looking in my eyes. She looked at me and told me, maybe in cold blood but still a bit shivering "I will not date you". I told her goodbye on that. However, I was weak again and asked if she still needed that favour I promised her I will do, and so I did it again. At one point, she asked "so are we friends or are you leaving?". I replied that I can't be friends with her ever because I will always wish we were together, I can't simply forget the past 4 years and move on like nothing happened. But I don't want to lose her either, so I will try. She answered on that that I shouldn't get upset when I see her with other guys then, and that I must understand she has "needs", and so do I, and that it shouldn't bother me. I replied that it will deffinetly hurt me, but that I will try to keep my cool. Last words, I asked her a few more things. I asked her if she has feelings for me still, and she told me she does, but probably only because we were together for so long. I asker her then if she wants me out of her life, since we will either be together, I will be in her way, or her future BF will hate me and she will either abandon me or break up with him. She said she wants to keep me in her life, but as a friend since she broke up with her last BF to be with me again and it didn't turn out well. Last thing I asked her if she could promise me not to deny those feelings and bury them, and to at least keep in mind if she would come back to me, instead of saying to herself "oh no, i'm falling in love with him again, i should deny that as soon as possible". She replied that she can never abandon that idea and that she never will, and that she was glad I was her first in everything... Anyway, the problem is here - I have been dating with several girls. I'm almost 23 and she is almost 19. I had a long relationship once and it was horrible whole way through. I KNOW this girl is the girl of my life, she did something noone else could, she provided me with confidence, love, security, honesty, she was my muse and I don't want to move on without her. I need her in my life, but not as a friend, and I doubt I could ever look at her as one. She claims she looks at me that way already and that the hugging after the concert was just a habbit (I assure you, it was not). She wants to party, she wants to date other guys, sleep with them, do things she never had the opportunity to do, but I'm not sure if I can take all that, with or without her as a friend. I want to let her go to enjoy her life, even though I know she loved being with me as much as I did with her. But it's incredibly hard, I tried to cope with it, but ended up taking antidepressants to keep me sane (they wear off more and more..) I want to wait for her because I really believe she still loves me and that our relationship would be near-perfect if we really gave a true shot at it, but the thought of her being and sleeping with other people kills me, almost literally. Some of the people who are good with her told me I should just wait and build my own life, ignoring the fact what she does, and that someday she might return. I can't really ignore her, I will keep seeing her when I go out, probably with other people, and I know I will burst in tears... What should I do? Is there any way I could get her back or make her realise how she loves me and doesn't need that partying and acting as someone else? Should I really try to focus more on myself, try to ignore what she does, remain friends and hope someday she might return? Or should I move on like nothing happened these last years and try to erase her from my heart? I really need help with this, I have noone to turn to anymore, and I want to marry her some day, hopefully not waiting too long... EDIT: after reading a while on the forum, I realised she obviously has the G.I.G.S. But still, what should I do? As I said, I really don't want to lose her forever, yet I feel like if I stay too much around her, she will forever treat me as just a friend. And since I'm friends with her sister and her sisters' husband, I spend a lot of time chatting with them and can't really avoid contact... Edited March 13, 2013 by Falium Information from other posts
Author Falium Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 Bump! And to add, I had a long conversation today with her. She explained to me that she really loves me still, and she can't imagine having kids with anyone else except me, but that she felt neglected during the past several months of our relationship, how I spent less time with her than with other people. This might be true, but not thoroughly, we talked every single day and saw each other every second day. Lack of communication was on both our sides. She also said if I proposed to her before the recent break up that she would deffinetly accept and wouldn't even think twice about it. Now she started dating another guy, yesterday to be precise. She said she has no special feelings towards him (but pointed out she didn't have towards me either when we started dating) and that he is even more persistant than me. At first I decided to go for NC, but after the chat I realised how much I would actually miss her and how much she would miss me... We both love each other and care for each other, and I believe NC would ruin it for good, so I tried once again to go with it and be at her side. At least she might notice how much I really care for her, even though I'm afraid her feelings for me might vanish and transfer to the other guy because of that... Please guys, any advice would be good, I am really lost right now.
flitzanu Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 sorry, i stopped halfway through your post. she's being VERY clear in what she is telling you, that she does not plan on dating you and does not want to be with you. stop paying attention to "she couldn't look me in the eye" and "she isn't herself" and all that nonsense. you're trying to interpret something that isn't there, and she's using very clear words about how she feels, which is that she does not want to be with you. plus, you PROPOSED to her, and she said NO. and now on top of everything, she's dating another guy. she's moving on with her life and you're letting her drag you around. cut the ties.
Author Falium Posted March 14, 2013 Author Posted March 14, 2013 Thanks for the advice, but what confuses me a lot is - why does she keep telling me she loves me, wants to hang out with me and cries on the thought I will leave for good, and to add the statement "I can't and don't want to imagine myself married and with kids with anyone else but you"? Other than that, I would let her go, I would move on aswell, but I sense there is something deeper here, something she must yet realise for herself - wether she wants me or not, and I'm not sure how do I achieve that without ruining the chances completely. She is usually known to feel and think one way and say completely opposite things.
emmalynro Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 Thanks for the advice, but what confuses me a lot is - why does she keep telling me she loves me, wants to hang out with me and cries on the thought I will leave for good, and to add the statement "I can't and don't want to imagine myself married and with kids with anyone else but you"? She is usually known to feel and think one way and say completely opposite things. Because she is nineteen and she has been in a serious relationship for far too long. At that age she should be finding herself, not being tied down to one guy. But mostly because she's nineteen. You should let this one go.
Author Falium Posted March 14, 2013 Author Posted March 14, 2013 I was in a serious relationship from 15-18 yo and I didn't mind really (besides it being a very abusive one). In our country, people usually marry a bit earlier, at around 19-24 years old, so the age isn't that big of a problem. Her mother married at 17, my mother did so aswell, her sister married when she was 20. Or am I just trying to find reasons not to let her go...
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