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  • Author
Posted
Moment to moment is all I can do. At this point, I'm completely sunk, In a sink or swim world, I'm sunk.

 

As I said before, I killed myself when I divorced my wife two month ago.

Posted

Back iin tha' day? When I was going through what your going ~ even have gone through all the crap that I had been through in the Marines? I just wanted to die!

 

I checked myself into the psych unit at the Naval Hospistal in Okinawa, Japan. I had tears and snot coming out of me! Somehow? Someway, I had the presence to mind to call a good friend, "Ron! Come get me!" He did, and he brought a friend of his from AA.

 

I wan't so much suicidal ~ as I was homicidal! I was on the verge of killing some young, dumb, stupid azz 22 years old kid that was running around with my 35 year old wife. I didn't have access to a gun ~ didn't need one. I had my Buck 110 knife!

 

He was just some young, dumb, ignorant, stupid azz kid far away from home, horny, lonesome, 5000 miles away from home. He was just looking for a good time, compaionship, something to bide the time with.

 

Duty Station azz as we call it in the Corps!

 

But somehow, someway? I managed to reach out anc call someone! I checked myself in voluterrly into the Psych ward.

 

Just 24 hours was all I needed to come back from the brink! Just Twenty-four hours!

 

Here it is 23 years later and I'm thinking ~ "Man WTF were you thinking back then?"

 

Its the end of just one relationship! Not the end of your life!

 

You OWE me! You owe me to live your life to its fullest and to its top! I and those that paid the ultimate scarfice for your life and freedoms ~ with their very lives! WTF do you think I did twenty years of blood, sweat and tears in the Corps for?

 

I did it for those who went before me, and I did it for those that will come after me ~ I did it for YOU!

 

 

I did it for for my children and grandchildren for sure and certain! But I also did it for those that died in all the wars before me to give me what I have to today, and I did it for all of those that are to come long after I'm gone.

 

Freedom isn't FREE!

 

I did it because of and simply because I was an able bodied man who felt I had to serve my patrotic chore.

 

"Ask NOT what you country can do for you!

 

BUT? What you can do for your country!"

 

What you've lost with her? You will give and gain double-fold with that of another? What one will abuse? Another can certainly use!

 

People come and go in your life! T'ain't no one monkey that makes a show!

 

Even if everything was perfect between you and her? She's still going to die one day! Dying in part of living! And that's just a fact!

  • Like 1
Posted

Your greiving. Everything your feeling is completely normal. Your suffering is equal to your capacity to love, which shows your emotional depth compared to her's. All of this suffering will illuminate your next relationship, help to bring it into a more spirtual level.

 

“It is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is created in a moment, it will not be created for years or even generations”

 

-Kalil Gibran

  • Like 2
Posted

Are you dealing with this alone? Have your friends or family been of any help?

Posted
As I said before, I killed myself when I divorced my wife two month ago.

 

hi lahnes36

i`m aM

so pleased to meet you:)

 

i have been through the way you are feeling now

 

where so much pain builds up

there is no end to it all

cashing in is easier than `suffering` for another day

why bother huh?

what`s the point in suffering when it can be easier to just give up on everything?

i`m not going to lecture you

thats the last thing you need right now

 

but from what you have replied , you are NOT a quitter

you still have some fight in you :)

 

so tell me, what do you think you need in your life to stop the pain?

 

aM

  • Author
Posted (edited)
And yet you want that person back after describing that kind of hell?

You want to live on eggshells?

 

You deserve better. Pining for her, wanting her is counterproductive to your own growth and well being. SHE is counterproductive to your well being.

 

 

It's hard to freaking explain. The intelligent side of my brain knows unequivocally she has borderline personality disorder. I know people with this disorder are notoriously hard to be in a (long term) relationship with. I've ran out on her a few times because she's caused a lot of anxiety and fear with unpredictable rages. In the end though, I still love her to death and don't feel like i'm better than her.

 

I looked over this checklist to clarify again (for the bazillionth time) that she has borderline personality disorder. I've done this many times before time and time again throughough our relationship. I guess any psychiatrist would say that I must have a lot of self loathing, and fear of being alone, to want through to put myself through this song and dance again.

 

1. Do they have trouble defining their personal boundaries?

2. Do they have trouble respecting/observing my personal boundaries?

3. Do they act impulsively, and do they do this much too often?

4. Do they engage in self-injurious behavior (self-mutilation, cutting, burning, etc.)?

5. Do they spend too much, shoplift, engage in risky sexual behavior, fight, gamble excessively, drive recklessly, and/or binge eat/purge?

6. Do they abuse alcohol and/or drugs?

7. Do they threaten to kill themselves, and/or have they tried to commit suicide?

8. Did they rush into this relationship?

9. Do they make unreasonable demands upon me?

10. Do they make unreasonable demands upon the relationship?

11. Do they act needy and demanding one minute and push me away the next minute?

12. Do they act like they want to be with me one day and reject me the next day?

13. Have they broken up with me (at least once) and then gotten back together with me quickly?

14. Do they make me feel like I can never do enough for them?

15. Do they make me feel like I can never do anything right?

16. Do they expect more from me than I can give?

17. Do they seem like they are always in “crisis-mode?”

18. Do they needlessly create crises or live a chaotic lifestyle?

19. Are they a “drama queen/king?”

20. Do they seem to blow things out of proportion?

21. Do they seem to be competent and controlled in some situations, yet extremely out of control in others?

22. Are they competent and controlled in a situation at one time, yet incompetent and out of control in the same situation at another time?

23. Do they often go into a rage?

24. Do they often go into a rage over seemingly nothing (trivial things)?

25. Is their rage unpredictable?

26. Am I afraid of making them angry?

27. Is their behavior in general often unpredictable or inconsistent?

28. Do I feel as if I am walking on eggshells?

29. Do they seem to “stuff” their feelings?

30. Do they “stuff” their feelings and then release them all at once?

31. Do they take things out on me?

32. Do they physically abuse me?

33. Do they mentally/emotionally abuse me?

34. Do they verbally abuse me?

35. Do they blame me for how they are feeling?

36. Do they blame me for things that are not my fault?

37. Do they blame me for things that they do?

38. Do they make me feel guilty?

39. Do they criticize me?

40. Do they pick fights with me?

41. Do they especially pick fights with me when things seem to be going well with us?

42. Do they treat me well in front of other people, but treat me bad when we are alone?

43. Do they seem to cut people out of their life over trivial issues?

44. Do they verbally abuse others (criticize or blame them)?

45. Do they act charming toward strangers, yet abusively toward people they know well?

46. Do they seem to switch moods very quickly?

47. Are they very manipulative?

48. Are they a very controlling person?

49. Do they seem to always focus the attention on themselves?

50. Do they deny saying and/or doing things that I know they said and did?

Edited by lahnes36
Posted

lahnes36

these are questions that you can NOT answer and TBH will just be a waste of your time and effort trying too

she is what she is

 

its what you are going to do that is relevant here

are you going to sort her out or yourself?

my advice is to sort YOU out

doesn`t matter what she is or isn`t doing

its how YOU deal with it that matters

 

i know you want the answers straight away and i`m sorry i cant give them to you

no one can

 

you really want a chance of being with her again?

 

best thing to do then , is LET HER GO!!

take a good long look in the mirror

you have it in you to change the future

 

Giving up is NOT an option

be the bigger man in yourself

its in there, believe me

you may not be able to see it right now, but he`s in there

 

go to the doctors

get help for yourself

 

your pain will go away , but you have to do for yourself

 

again, giving up is NOT an option

go doctors

get help

 

hugs

 

aM

  • Author
Posted

TO be honest it doesn't matter. I'd still do anything to get her back. I'd chop off my right hand if it meant getting her back.

Posted
TO be honest it doesn't matter. I'd still do anything to get her back. I'd chop off my right hand if it meant getting her back.

 

do it then

if you think it will help

 

chopping any part of you, off, wont help `get her back`

neither will threats of suicide

on here to us or in real life

 

i can help you

but you need to start listening 1st

 

aM

  • Author
Posted (edited)

To be honest I have nothing now. Absolutely nothing. I'm getting ready to end it. I just let myself fall too far down the mountain, and I don't have the strength to climb back up.

 

Yes I scheduled an appointment to see a psych at the va, but that's 6 days from now. Every down day feels worse and worse and I don't see myself making it. I don't even want or deserve to make it.

Edited by lahnes36
Posted

but there is still fight in you!!

 

i see it

you may not right now, but you dont want to give it up do you???

 

or you wouldn`t be posting on here

 

get the help

i`ve been where you are now

and deeper

 

i know what you are feeling

 

Get the help

 

keep posting

 

hugs to you

 

aM

  • Like 1
Posted

and if you really just feel like you are going to do something stupid

admit yourself to the nearest er

life will get better for you

maybe not in days , weeks or even months

but it will

 

trust me on this :)

 

aM

Posted
To be honest I have nothing now. Absolutely nothing. I'm getting ready to end it. I just let myself fall too far down the mountain, and I don't have the strength to climb back up.

 

Yes I scheduled an appointment to see a psych at the va, but that's 6 days from now. Every down day feels worse and worse and I don't see myself making it. I don't even want or deserve to make it.

 

Dont wait the 6 days...Call someone or even 911...

 

I feel for you....Hang on...

 

TFOY

Posted

"I should have..." stop thinking this right now.

No one cares at what you should have done, least of all you. It doesn't matter because "should haves" are the fantasies of a sick brain stuck in the past.

It's time to think "what should I".

I think it's time to get the M word out of your head for a while. Like you said, you got divorced, have no job, live with parents. You are down in the dumps, who the hell wouldn't be. No one is expecting you to rise above Everest waving your flag of romantic conquest. Take a second for yourself, you need someone who really cares about you at the moment and that person is you.

I am sure your ex is a nice person, but she is allowing you to be co-dependent with her when she has already started another serious relationship. She is saying you can stay while you study. Slept with you...

That sort of thing is all sorts of ****ed up. I am not sure why but she is manipulating your emotions. She might be beautiful, smart, and whatever but she is not what you need now.

And don't kill yourself, the world will go on without you and they will be pissed you are gone. What's the point of that.

  • Author
Posted (edited)
and if you really just feel like you are going to do something stupid

admit yourself to the nearest er

life will get better for you

maybe not in days , weeks or even months

but it will

 

trust me on this :)

 

aM

 

Not something stupid. Probably the smartest and ONLY thing to do right now. I can't really go through a couple more months of this, let alone a couple more weeks. I couldn't have done anything stupider than getting the divorce.

Edited by lahnes36
  • Author
Posted (edited)

She did a 180 on me and I can't live in the ****ing apartment now. So I get to live with my parents until I find my own apartment and job again. She gave me the common courtesy of finding a roommate though, so I don't have to pay half the rent for the next 3 months.

Edited by lahnes36
Posted

You'll get your own place.

 

This is temporary.

 

One more piss off. Expect a few more.

 

Of you see them coming at a distance, you'll do better.

Posted
Not something stupid. Probably the smartest and ONLY thing to do right now. I can't really go through a couple more months of this, let alone a couple more weeks. I couldn't have done anything stupider than getting the divorce.

 

well lets all just live in hindsight then and give up when it doesn`t go to plan??

 

easier to do that to give than to fight?

 

man up

show her whats shes missing!!

 

if you really want her back

your`ll stop talking the way you are

cos believe me , she wont want to know, let alone re-marry you again all the while you are like this

 

go get help,

be happy in yourself 1st

jeeez

deja vu

 

aM

  • Author
Posted

Well I've already taken actions that will ensure my premature exit from this world. I can't do it anymore. I failed and that's that.

Posted

I don't understand you? Do you want to broadcast your demise to everyone on the forum? You've been told to get help, people want you to get help yet you keep coming back and writing this stuff? What do you want to do? Guilt trip people?

 

I'm all for pity parties but if you have psychological problems then go and get help. It seems talking to people here who are pleading you to get help isn't working. What you're doing isn't healthy.

 

Life is precious, all life, even yours even if you don't think/feel it. If you fought for the freedom of your country then fight for your own freedom, a life you can share with somebody who will love and honor you back. But you have to honor yourself. Go seek help for your depression.

  • Like 1
Posted
I don't understand you? Do you want to broadcast your demise to everyone on the forum? You've been told to get help, people want you to get help yet you keep coming back and writing this stuff? What do you want to do? Guilt trip people?

 

I'm all for pity parties but if you have psychological problems then go and get help. It seems talking to people here who are pleading you to get help isn't working. What you're doing isn't healthy.

 

Life is precious, all life, even yours even if you don't think/feel it. If you fought for the freedom of your country then fight for your own freedom, a life you can share with somebody who will love and honor you back. But you have to honor yourself. Go seek help for your depression.

 

 

DS is perfectly correct. You have been threatening suicide since March 13. This LS forum is not equipped to deal with your mental illness. If you truly are having these temptations to take you own life, you need medical assistance NOW. Call 911. Get help. Stop draining these good LS people. They do not know how to deal with your symtomology. Get professional help now. Soliticing sympathy is not going to help you, and will make matters worse for you and the advisors. Now, do what you needed to do a month ago. Check yourself into an approprate facility. DO IT NOW. No more threats on LS. Someone needs to report you for this. It is illigal to take your life. Now go get some help right now. Yas

  • Like 1
Posted

Have you had your appointment yet? It's so sad to see a suicidal person needing to wait for 6 days.

 

My personal opinion, but your main stress is related to the service. The love story gone wrong was just additional trauma that tested your limits.

 

She's just a woman and there's a reason you two got divorced. I'm sure she has issues, and you have issues too. However, as hard as it is to accept, the solution to your issues is not getting her back, but getting her out of your life.

 

Please call a hotline and talk to someone when you feel you want to end your life. This desperate feeling you have will lift with time and help.

Posted

Find someone to talk too, a therapist or doctor. Your greiving and your ptsd is magnifying this by a huge multitude. Just hold on. Your life and your suffering are important, everything you've said here has moved poeple to rally around you and try to deal with a complex problem. Keep venting, if your in pain say so, don't hide it.

Posted
Have you had your appointment yet? It's so sad to see a suicidal person needing to wait for 6 days.

 

 

Suicidal people don't have to wait 6 days for mental health assistance. All you have to do is call 911 aand tell them what you are going to do. Then at the hospital, tell the psychiatriast what you intend to do. You will be taken to a hospital that can evaluate you apprpriately, and provide you assistance.

 

The same sequence works if someone else reports you, and you refuse too cooperate, and authorities believe you are a threat to yourself or someone else. The police will take you to the hospital, same drill. Same for everyone.

 

There is no delay when someone is at the edge. Period. There are also Suicide Hotlines all over the World. There are choices, and people specifically trained to help you.

 

Having an audience to rally and support you on LS is not going to fix your underlying issue. NOW, go get help. Yas

  • Author
Posted

Yes, I still gave the strength to post in these forums. I also bought a .38, bullets, a bottle full of vodka, some pills, and more. Good bye ass holes

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