2 months after divorce and i'm a wreck

[lahnes36]

Are you seeing a therapist?

 

You've got to let her go brother. Please don't say to yourself - 'that's easy for you to say'... I am 3 months into hearing my STBX ask for divorce after 17 years of marriage and 20 years together - high school sweethearts.

 

I could write volumes describing what she meant to me - how I saw her - how I felt about her - what I would do for her.

 

It's not my preference to let her go - if I could keep her in my life I would (well... maybe - even after 3 months I am detaching).

 

You know what's worse than losing the love your life? Losing her and then never recovering from that loss.

 

I do feel for you brother but it seems that you are choosing to not let go - that's greatly different from not knowing how to let go.

 

I just can't let her go. I just can't. I lucked out in finding her. It was a true miracle from god that I found her. The fact that we got divorced was an utter tragedy and a disgrace on my part. I hate myself, I truly do. I can do better than what I did, I know I can.

 

You're absolutely correct. I choose not to let go. This is something that matters. This was a major life decision that I showed my true colors with. I dropped the ball, and God won't show me any forgiveness for this failure.

Edited March 20, 2013 by lahnes36

[GuyInLimbo]

So my wife says I can move back in with her starting in April so I can go back to school. This while her husband is stationed in Texas.

 

Is this a bad idea (and unethical to boot)? Yes. Am I still going to do it? Yes. I just love her too much and I might kill myself if I don't get her back, so i'm open to anything even if it may only be a pseudo relationship (for a bit anyways) and mostly about sex. I just love her so much and wake up every single day regretting the divorce. Life just hurts without her.

 

She also sent me a text a couple weeks ago stating that she has proof her husband had been cheating (even though they've only been married for a month). His GF apparantly sent a mocking photo of them together. I don't like seeing her heart broken, so I didn't say ery little about the incident (not trying to sound like I was waiting in the weeds to scoop her back up, even though I am).

 

Sorry if I come across as an ass, but you are acting like a giant, immature pu$$y. Are you even READING what you are saying? Do you have such low respect for yourself that you're actually willing to go back and live with an ex wife who cheated on you, has no respect for you, is cheating on somone else and feels nothing for you? This chick is batsh*t crazy and you are being a desperate twit grasping at ANYTHING to get this woman back. IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN! Why are you allowing someone else to dictate how you feel about yourself? Grow a set, get your a$$ to counseling NOW and start being a man with a real purpose.

 

I'm sorry, but if you were one of my friends, I'd beat the crap out of you just to get you out of this pathetic fog you're in. You are groveling, begging and crying to get a woman back who isn't worth one SECOND of your time, love or energy. You know what she sees? A pathetic, weak, little boy that she will never respect. And I bet everyone else on here will at least stand by me in saying she will sure as hell stomp on your heart again and again. Get her the hell out of your life now.

 

Trust me. you were NEVER lucky to find her or have her in your life. Look where it's gotten you. What kind of loving god would send such a c*nt of a woman to treat a man (or men, in this case) like this woman has/does???

 

Given by all that you've said, you need intensive therapy. You are a brave man going to serve your country. You deserve better, bro. PLEASE get help. Get to therapy now and go at least 3x a week right now. It's clear you are in a dark, dark place. There's a positive way out of this. but it sure as hell does NOT involve her.

Edited March 20, 2013 by GuyInLimbo

[lahnes36]

lahnes36 - what are you looking for out of this forum? (Honest question).

 

I see people here "a bunch of random internet strangers"... trying to help you... with perspective and the reality of your situation (with the details you've provided). It certainly sounds like you're near or at rock bottom emotionally and people have responded to you in a way that's... food for thought IF your interest is in improving your overall emotional condition. You're laser focused on her... but I do not believe that she is the solution to your problem - she's the reason you are in the position you are in. I am in agreement with Steadfast.

 

I don't know what i'm looking for out of this forum. I know I can't gain any sort of redemption....I know for a fact that it's too late for that... I screwed my self. My family, nor my wife, is going to redeem me. I've been so utterly depressed the last 3 weeks, that I just had to spill my guts to somebody. Do I still think i'm going to off myself?? Yes I do. That's just how it goes.

 

I've NEVER griped the way I have been like I am now (in a random online forum or in person). I am just in such a deep hole, that I don't see any possibility of digging myself out of it. Sometimes some people dig themselves such a deep grave, that it's best to consider them dead and gone.

Edited March 20, 2013 by lahnes36

[TailSpin75]

Thanks for your service lahnes36 - I too am a veteran... interesting life in the military isn't it?

 

I wasn't trying to put you on the spot with the question of what you're looking for and I can understand your answer. This is a good place to dump, pour, vent, purge, gripe... but you're right - none of us will find redemption here.

 

Somethings that you already know: (1) You're in a bad place right now (2) the only one who is going to help you is you (3) seeing a therapist is in your best interest.

 

No one is here to argue about what she means (meant) to you. You clearly want to take ownership of some of the mistakes you've made that caused the relationship to end. But you must find a way (therapy) to forgive yourself.

 

Think about what you are offering her - read your own posts - you are offering her someone that she can take care of - not someone who can take of her. Sure you're willing to do anything for her... but only if she continues to stay in your life. You are making her solely responsible for your happiness, well being, and life. Human relationships are not intended to work in this capacity. Even between parent and child - a healthy relationship is the parent loving the child while encouraging independence.

There's nothing noble or romantic about what you are offering her. Rather you offer total dependence and desperation... not characteristics most women seek.

 

You served in the military - so there was a time when you were a much stronger man - not the broken defeated person that is posting on this forum. There was a time when you stood on your own and carried a confidence about your 'self' that was more certain than it has been recently.

 

You recognize that you're in a bad place and that you are the only one who is going to be able to help yourself; therapy is going to be the best route.

[lahnes36]

Thanks for your service lahnes36 - I too am a veteran... interesting life in the military isn't it?

 

I wasn't trying to put you on the spot with the question of what you're looking for and I can understand your answer. This is a good place to dump, pour, vent, purge, gripe... but you're right - none of us will find redemption here.

 

Somethings that you already know: (1) You're in a bad place right now (2) the only one who is going to help you is you (3) seeing a therapist is in your best interest.

 

No one is here to argue about what she means (meant) to you. You clearly want to take ownership of some of the mistakes you've made that caused the relationship to end. But you must find a way (therapy) to forgive yourself.

 

Think about what you are offering her - read your own posts - you are offering her someone that she can take care of - not someone who can take of her. Sure you're willing to do anything for her... but only if she continues to stay in your life. You are making her solely responsible for your happiness, well being, and life. Human relationships are not intended to work in this capacity. Even between parent and child - a healthy relationship is the parent loving the child while encouraging independence.

There's nothing noble or romantic about what you are offering her. Rather you offer total dependence and desperation... not characteristics most women seek.

 

You served in the military - so there was a time when you were a much stronger man - not the broken defeated person that is posting on this forum. There was a time when you stood on your own and carried a confidence about your 'self' that was more certain than it has been recently.

 

You recognize that you're in a bad place and that you are the only one who is going to be able to help yourself; therapy is going to be the best route.

 

You are right, I am a broken man. If I survive the next month - and that's a big IF - I won't ever ever utter the word "divorce" in the rest of my lucky to be alive years again.

 

I dug myself a grave - a very deep grave - and i'm desperately trying to undig myself, but man is the grave I dug myself oh so deep. Any sort of redemption for me is a longshot that no sane human being would place a bet on.

 

I'm utterly sickened at myself for not seeing the forest through the trees during the time that I carried out the actions that resigned me to the fate i'm currently in. To think that i'd be where i'm at now after what I did, I would have done everything in my power to prevent it.

 

I decided to kill myself 2 months ago. I may have not actually physically killed myself, but I resigned myself to death when I destroyed our marriage and abandoned my beautiful wife. I destroyed my marriage and I destroyed myself.

Edited March 21, 2013 by lahnes36

[TailSpin75]

lahnes36 - I swear to you that I have been there (and not that long ago). I wrote letters, had a method, a plan, a date, and not so much determination... but rather had accepted that ending. It seemed less of a tragedy to me than an inevitability.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting so much lahnes36. Yesterday was the first day I did not cry in the past 3 months, but was right back at it today. You (we) may be broken but that's not the same as defeated. We are down... and may be down for some time - but there must be that inner voice that is encouraging to you - that one that say's "IF".

 

This is by no means a pleasant ride - but it doesn't last forever. Don't beat yourself up - the loss is painful enough.

[lahnes36]

lahnes36 - I swear to you that I have been there (and not that long ago). I wrote letters, had a method, a plan, a date, and not so much determination... but rather had accepted that ending. It seemed less of a tragedy to me than an inevitability.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting so much lahnes36. Yesterday was the first day I did not cry in the past 3 months, but was right back at it today. You (we) may be broken but that's not the same as defeated. We are down... and may be down for some time - but there must be that inner voice that is encouraging to you - that one that say's "IF".

 

This is by no means a pleasant ride - but it doesn't last forever. Don't beat yourself up - the loss is painful enough.

 

I've come to accept depression and suicidal thoughts as a better alternative to apathy and absent mindedness. I'd simply rather be a human - even if it kills me -rather than the vegetable I was when I accepted my divorce without any fight whatsoever.

Edited March 21, 2013 by lahnes36

[lahnes36]

Sorry if I come across as an ass, but you are acting like a giant, immature pu$$y. Are you even READING what you are saying? Do you have such low respect for yourself that you're actually willing to go back and live with an ex wife who cheated on you, has no respect for you, is cheating on somone else and feels nothing for you? This chick is batsh*t crazy and you are being a desperate twit grasping at ANYTHING to get this woman back. IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN! Why are you allowing someone else to dictate how you feel about yourself? Grow a set, get your a$$ to counseling NOW and start being a man with a real purpose.

 

I'm sorry, but if you were one of my friends, I'd beat the crap out of you just to get you out of this pathetic fog you're in. You are groveling, begging and crying to get a woman back who isn't worth one SECOND of your time, love or energy. You know what she sees? A pathetic, weak, little boy that she will never respect. And I bet everyone else on here will at least stand by me in saying she will sure as hell stomp on your heart again and again. Get her the hell out of your life now.

 

Trust me. you were NEVER lucky to find her or have her in your life. Look where it's gotten you. What kind of loving god would send such a c*nt of a woman to treat a man (or men, in this case) like this woman has/does???

 

Given by all that you've said, you need intensive therapy. You are a brave man going to serve your country. You deserve better, bro. PLEASE get help. Get to therapy now and go at least 3x a week right now. It's clear you are in a dark, dark place. There's a positive way out of this. but it sure as hell does NOT involve her.

 

**** you. And **** the other professional **** talker. I was in Iraq getting shot at and having rocket propelled grenades fly over my head when you were at home sucking on your mother's breasts.

 

**** the cowards in this world who are readily apt to attack a man when he's a bottom. **** you and the other coward.

[health]

Man, doesn't look like you're ready for a healthy relationship with anyone! Unemployed, had a person at the center of your life...and slept with her while she was married? If you don't snap out of this soon it's gonna be even harder to get out! Focus on rebuilding your life! All the best.

[SuperGeek]

This story definitely hits home with me. My ex was engaged to a new guy 2 months after we split and would have been married as well if the divorce didn't take so long.

 

I know what you're going through because I was suicidal as well when I found out. I stood on a bridge a few times and almost jumped, but something kept me from doing it. I think I knew deep down I didn't want to die, but rather just wanted the pain to stop.

 

It took a lot of time, but through the use of counselling (therapy) and occupying my time the suicidal thoughts stopped. Granted I did have a few relapses, but for the most part I recovered. My ex actually showed up a year later and tried to get back with me (her engagement was all BS and just turned out to be a rebound relationship). Her offer to come back was pathetic and after 1-2 years of pain, I passed on her offer.

 

I know what I'm saying probably doesn't help, but just hang in there each day and realize it does get better, but it can take time. Also the situation with your now ex-wife isn't written in stone, especially if she's already engaged to a guy that isn't even present in the same town within two months. Women who have moved on typically aren't sleeping with their ex husbands or willing to move in with them, so it sound like she might be completely confused in what she is doing and her new relationship is likely a rebound. My ex didn't even talk to me for a YEAR after she left. You really should consider going NC with your ex-wife, but that's just my view of it.

 

I have been where you are. Try to think about the best decisions you can make now to help the pain get reduced over time. Unfortunately, seeing your ex-wife everyday (living with her) is not going to help with the pain but prolong it and make it WORSE for you later on. Seriously give this some thought. I urge you not to move in with her as you will lose your sh|t if her new guy comes home and you see them together -- not to mention you are more likely to get into an altercation with him as well because he will see you as a threat. An altercation could land you in jail and ruin potential career opportunities for you in thee future -- not worth it. If you want to go to school, move in with some college people close to a school instead and take a 'break' from your ex-wife.

 

[ For the record - I stayed NC with my ex for nearly 500 days after she split with me and it was still really hard to get over it. I do not think I'd be here today if I didn't remove myself from 'seeing' (visualizing) her with another man after she left me. This is just me though, so please do what is best for you. ]

 

 

 

SuperGeek

Edited March 25, 2013 by SuperGeek

[lahnes36]

I know what I'm saying probably doesn't help, but just hang in there each day and realize it does get better, but it can take time. Also the situation with your now ex-wife isn't written in stone, especially if she's already engaged to a guy that isn't even present in the same town within two months. Women who have moved on typically aren't sleeping with their ex husbands or willing to move in with them, so it sound like she might be completely confused in what she is doing and her new relationship is likely a rebound. My ex didn't even talk to me for a YEAR after she left. You really should consider going NC with your ex-wife, but that's just my view of it.

 

I simply can't go NC with her. That would negate any chance of us getting back together and remarrying. I know that's a huge long shot and I may be living in fantasy land, but I just love her so much that I have to exhaust all options and potentialities. If I just end up hurting myself more, oh well. I know in my heart I made a huge blunder in divorcing her. She is my family and my soul mate, and that's just how I feel and will always feel.

Edited March 26, 2013 by lahnes36

[worldgonewrong]

She is my family and my soul mate

 

Soul mates don't make you feel suicidal.

She's not a soul mate.

[lahnes36]

Well, something I didn't put forward before I posted this. I really love my wife and she is by far the smartest, hardest working woman i've ever met and will ever meet, and I really mean that with every ounce of my heart and my mind. She has borderline personality disorder. Now don't get me wrong, she is extremely intelligent, high functioning, productive toward society......But I knew 2-3 months after we had known eachother that she has strong borderline tendacies (I even bought multiple books on the disorder, as I had been a psychology student in college and recognized the traits).

 

To summarize the disorder, she can rapidly change mood in a heartbeat and has a hair trigger temper, and is impulsive and reckless in a few areas. This disorder is kinda like bipolar disorder, except a bipolar disordered person experiences manic episodes for weeks to months at a time followed by depressive episodes for weeks to months at a time. A borderline person is a powder keg and emotionally unpredictable, and can go from extreme left to extreme right, to extreme up to extreme down, multiple times a day. I always tried to see her as a human who had a horrible childhood filled with molestation and an authoritarian father.

 

This is not an excuse for why the divorce occurred, but being around somebody who drinks daily, and can go from loving you like you're the second coming of christ, to utterly despising you and going into a caustic state of extreme rage and irritability is a bit hard on any human being. I kind of understand how her ex husband (now current husband) has constantly been deployed/away from her throughout their marriage. Being in a relationship with somebody like this is stressful.

Edited March 27, 2013 by lahnes36

[tylerd]

I was married to someone who diagnosed bipolar disorder and she was loving, caring, abusive and controlling all in one day. You have been manipulated into thinking you cannot live without her. Trust me you can. And once you realize this you will feel liberated.

[lahnes36]

lahnes36 - I swear to you that I have been there (and not that long ago). I wrote letters, had a method, a plan, a date, and not so much determination... but rather had accepted that ending. It seemed less of a tragedy to me than an inevitability.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting so much lahnes36. Yesterday was the first day I did not cry in the past 3 months, but was right back at it today. You (we) may be broken but that's not the same as defeated. We are down... and may be down for some time - but there must be that inner voice that is encouraging to you - that one that say's "IF".

 

This is by no means a pleasant ride - but it doesn't last forever. Don't beat yourself up - the loss is painful enough.

 

I rarely cried before this. I cried maybe once every two months on average before this. I'm ****ing crying every ****ing day for up to an hour - this really hurts and may - may actually very likely - be what kills me. This divorce was a mistake and a travesty.

Edited March 28, 2013 by lahnes36

[TailSpin75]

I am sorry brother. In the perfect world we would all have the opportunity to undo our 'mistakes' but in the real world we must 'live and learn' - and grow.

 

While I would agree that some mistakes can be fatal - this is not one of them. You are clearly suffering... crying and expressing yourself (whether here or by talking with someone) are good things. I fear that you may be 'stuck' and encourage you to seek counseling to help you heal from this.

[Hope737]

However minimal or insignificant my input may seem, I must agree with the guys on here who advise on going to counselling.

 

I've recently split up from my high school sweetheart, my best friend and my lover. The loss is indeed heart wrenching and the grief is all consuming. I went down a very self destructive route after the break up. Drinking VERY heavily, at all times of the day, but there comes a point when you simply have had enough and you get sick of the dark lifestyle you find yourself in.

 

I contemplated suicide much like yourself and it's these thoughts that made me think to myself "I need help". I've been going to counselling for four weeks now and I'm starting to find out things about myself that have been hidden deep within me for years. Yes it's still hard work but it does get better. Talking to a counsellor helps to get things off your chest immensely and it also helps to re-discover yourself.

 

I'm now starting to see that there is a life for me beyond my ex. My progress is admittedly slow but there is progress!

 

All the best my friend!

[Darren Steez]

SHE IS STILL MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE!!!

 

Sorry for stepping into this pity party, dude it's tough, really really tough. Heck matter of fact it's messed up, sorry you feel like this but she's not your wife.

I necessarily don't find tract with the information her husband is cheating on her, this is a woman willing to let her ex-boyfriend stay with her whilst her husband is deployed elsewhere.

 

If you're depressed then get professional help. This is a cycle of terrible destruction/deception which is a grenade waiting to go off when all the facts finally come out.

 

SHE IS STILL MARRIED.

 

What of the other guy is unaware of what's going on? What if he is innocent? Do you care?

 

She gets a divorce by all means try to win her back..doesn't seem like you'd have a hard time doing so. But if you have no respect for yourself or the other guy then have respect for the sanctity of marriage. The laws of the country you fought so valiantly for to protect..surely that must mean something?

[worldgonewrong]

This is not an excuse for why the divorce occurred, but being around somebody who drinks daily, and can go from loving you like you're the second coming of christ, to utterly despising you and going into a caustic state of extreme rage and irritability is a bit hard on any human being. I kind of understand how her ex husband (now current husband) has constantly been deployed/away from her throughout their marriage. Being in a relationship with somebody like this is stressful.

 

And yet you want that person back after describing that kind of hell?

You want to live on eggshells?

 

You deserve better. Pining for her, wanting her is counterproductive to your own growth and well being. SHE is counterproductive to your well being.

[Wickedgurl]

Love yourself for a change! Give yourself one thing to look forward to everyday that you'll do for you. I'm planning to save for a trip with my daughter to help me get thru my upcoming divorce after 21 years. (He wanted it). I've had those dark moments too. The pain and fear gets to be too much sometimes. But I was ok before him and I'll be ok after him. I owe it to myself to see this thru and find the wonderful person I know I can be and be happy. She is selfish and self centered. Start by not accepting her calls. It will be hard but it will get easier. I promise. Look in the mirror and promise that person that he is worth love from a worthy person. Seek help thru a church support group if you can't afford counseling. Sometimes knowing we aren't alone in our struggle makes it easier. Perhaps getting a dog or cat to wake up next to everyday will help ease the loneliness. Will pray for you.

[redhat]

I've been in the same boat as you for just over a year. I lost my gf, baby and father in the space of two months. What your experiencing is normal. Cry, grieve, feel the hurt, ask yourself if the roles were reversed would you behave the same way? She chose to leave you, even if you got her back, what does her past behaviour say about her character, that the next crisis she'll bail out on you.

Has she tried to deal with her BPD? Work on yourself, try understanding how your ptsd is affecting your behaviour. And like Darren Steez mentioned at least respect the other guy who is innocent throughout this and the sancitity of marriage.

In a small way be grateful there are no children to suffer this too.

I wish you the best.

[lahnes36]

I don't think I'm going to make it. This world is just too brutal and relentless for me. I just can't do this. Good luck and god bless you all, I'm done with this game we all call life.

[Darth Vader]

I don't think I'm going to make it. This world is just too brutal and relentless for me. I just can't do this. Good luck and god bless you all, I'm done with this game we all call life.

 

 

Get to a Counselor IMMEDIATELY! You need some serious help NOW! You may need to get some meds against depression!

Edited March 30, 2013 by Darth Vader

[redhat]

Get yourself to your docs and get some medication, even if it's just sleeping pills. At this point all you can do is survive, so take it moment to moment, if need be.

Just one last thought if you do "end it" all you'll be doing is transfering that pain onto those who really love you, mum, dad etc. Your ex doesn't love you, not enough to help you heal. Would you have left her in the same circumstances? No, but she she did, and that says everything about her character. That and cheating on her current husband.

All you can do is survive at this point my friend.

[lahnes36]

Get yourself to your docs and get some medication, even if it's just sleeping pills. At this point all you can do is survive, so take it moment to moment, if need be.

Just one last thought if you do "end it" all you'll be doing is transfering that pain onto those who really love you, mum, dad etc. Your ex doesn't love you, not enough to help you heal. Would you have left her in the same circumstances? No, but she she did, and that says everything about her character. That and cheating on her current husband.

All you can do is survive at this point my friend.

 

Moment to moment is all I can do. At this point, I'm completely sunk, In a sink or swim world, I'm sunk.