lahnes36 Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 (edited) I miss my wife. I miss her more than anything. It didn't hit home that we had gotten a divorce until I found out she had gotten remarried about 2 weeks ago. I literally was dead certain I was going to commit suicide within the next couple of days. I bawled for 3 hours straight in the shower and didn't eat and barely slept for 2 days. I still am pretty certain I am going to end it unless we get back together. She really cares about me and offered to let me live with her while I go to school (her husband is stationed in another state). I visited her recently and we slept together (yes I slept with a married woman, I don't care). I am unemployed, living with my parents, and have nothing in my life now. Divorcing a beautiful, extremely intelligent harvard grad is by far the WORST mistake I could have made. I gave up my nice apartment, a beautiful wife, and a chance to go back to school and put something together for myself. What led up to this divorce? I guess she is kind of moody and irritable sometimes, and drinks a bit, but she has an incredibly stressful job as a resident, and I should have been more understanding and thick skinned. I'm not thick skinned though, I let the little things that don't matter/minor squabbles and such, get the best of me. Now i've let "the one" slip through my fingers over petty bull**** and fights that happened only once a weak (standard in any marriage i'm sure) I don't want to place blame on anyone. Am I too weak to handle a marriage (this being my first foray into marriage), or is she too vitriolic/anger-prone? After having time to think it over, the answer is that i'm too weak. Edited March 13, 2013 by lahnes36
SmokeRat Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Brother I say this with love, as I do not like to see any person in undue pain. I'm going through a divorce right now, because my wife was a serial cheater, it is her core personality to be this way. You're hurting right now, that's understandable. I'm hurting too that I had to file for a divorce, because I still love my wife. We do not know the background of your marriage, how long, good times, bad times, details and whatnot. Share them with us, we're here to support you during this obviously rough time. But I say this with vindication now, you will stop sleeping with your ex-wife, you will stop helping her betray her vows to the new man she swore and oath too. You are prolonging your pain and attachment to her, and you are doing the very thing you hope she would never do to you, had your marriage worked. Maybe you weren't ready for marriage if the little things got to you, take this as a learning lesson, look in on yourself and work on those things. Fights are not standard in marriages, that I will point out. Couples do not 'fight' they argue, then realize it was silly and make up. We're here at LS to offer support, the people here have offered an unwavering amount for me during my tough time, and I'll be here to offer the same to you. Use LS as a place to vent and put all those negative emotions, but for the love of Fire Gods lay off the suicide bit. That serves no purpose, and I'm sure you are a good person, and good people shouldn't do that. 7
SmokeRat Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 On a side note Brother, if you need to talk and vent, just send me a private message if you are not comfortable with giving everything on the forums. Going through a divorce and seeing my STBXW moving on is hard, but maybe I can provide some perspective.
mark982 Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 if she cheated on her new husband with you, don't you think she would cheat on you with someone else? i think you got it right the 1st time. 4
TailSpin75 Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 lahnes36 - I too am so sorry that you are in so much pain. Like smokerat - I encourage you to 'dump' here and be open to the wonderful collection of people who offer support, advice, and encouragement. Something I've not shared on LS. Like you - I certainly got to a place (Nov 2012) where 'ending it' was something I saw as a viable option. I went through the appropriate channels too - therapist, medication, even did an outpatient program at the psych ward. I spoke with my sister and a close friend in detail about my 'reasoning'. Nothing else mattered - truly she was 99.9% of my entire awareness and everything else (kids, family, friends, me, life) was 0.01%. So I stopped seeing my therapist, stopping taking my medication (I do not recommend this) and I actually developed a plan; selected a location, gave myself a timeline, and selected a method. I was in a place where it was me against me - no one else could reach me or tell me anything I didn't already know ("think about this or that..."). But I choose to listen to my inner voice of reason - the one I have no doubt that you can hear in yourself. For me, the timeline was necessary because I made myself a deal - I would allow myself time for me... to give 'me' a chance. I am not in that dark place (hurting but not in the dark place). I also know, with great confidence, that I will not get there again. The watershed moment for me - the epiphany I had was that it was a matter of... perspective. I knew how I saw her and what she meant to me, but I also realized that I could put the effort into seeing things differently; see them as they are, not how I wanted to see them. I knew this was going to take time... a long time; that it would require patience and persistence. I don't know the details to 'your story' and my heart goes out to you brother. I hope you find it within yourself to fight for you... whether it is reaching out and getting help or really looking within yourself and trusting your inner voice of reason to guide you. 3
TailSpin75 Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 No woman is worth ending your life over!!! Agreed no doubt - but perspective is sometimes so elusive... 2
Author lahnes36 Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 The mornings are the absolute worst. I wake up every morning looking to my side just wishing she was there. When I realize she's not there, I wish I had stayed asleep permanently. I can't keep this up. I think about killing myself all the time, and the hope of our relationship reblossoming is the only thing keeping me alive.
revitup Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Suicide,seen it with my SEAL buddy.....permanent solution to a temporary problem.Not an option my man! Now,the Harvard Grad!She is a serious player and if you play (again) you will get the same results as you did before and her "new" husband is now. You will find her at night like you left her in the morning...freshly @3$%ed!Just not by you. Move on. REVITUP 2
Author lahnes36 Posted March 14, 2013 Author Posted March 14, 2013 (edited) Post deleted due to insanity of it all Edited March 14, 2013 by lahnes36
jf2good Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 Seek professional counseling and get some medication. Join a divorce support group in your local area where you can get some support. Find something on meetup to do with your time so you won't think about this so much. 2
orionboxing Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 DUDE! Don't end your life!!! Just don't do it. So many of us here are SUFFERING too. I was you last week, sobbing in public park in the middle of damn jog. Divorce is a beast all it's own... STICK AROUND here, post your thoughts. We can talk you through this!!!! Do not give up on your life....you are so much better than this!!!!! 4
Steen719 Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 I'm not sure about her stability when you have been divorced for 2 months only and she has been married for 2 weeks and you and she slept together? Now she offers to let you live with her? She may be beautiful, she may have graduated from Harvard, but I think she has issues that you won't be able to fix. I mean, who marries 2 months after divorce and cheats 2 weeks into a new marriage. Go see your Dr. tomorrow. DO NOT WAIT. You need to get some help immediately. Perception will come in time and you will feel better and see the situation for what it is. You will feel better; you need time, some space from her and some help to feel better. Hang in there. It does get better. 4
Author lahnes36 Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 (edited) Thanks for the supportive posts. I looked at the holmes and rahe "stress scale", and divorce is rated just below "death of a loved one" as the top stressor. I can see why. I never been closer to suicide than now. It's funny that it took me til my wife getting remarried to feel the full brunt of our divorce. I love my wife and would do anything to get her back. It just hurts. People makes mistakes, don't they? I made a mistake in divorcing my wife. Edited March 15, 2013 by lahnes36
Author lahnes36 Posted March 16, 2013 Author Posted March 16, 2013 (edited) So my wife says I can move back in with her starting in April so I can go back to school. This while her husband is stationed in Texas. Is this a bad idea (and unethical to boot)? Yes. Am I still going to do it? Yes. I just love her too much and I might kill myself if I don't get her back, so i'm open to anything even if it may only be a pseudo relationship (for a bit anyways) and mostly about sex. I just love her so much and wake up every single day regretting the divorce. Life just hurts without her. She also sent me a text a couple weeks ago stating that she has proof her husband had been cheating (even though they've only been married for a month). His GF apparantly sent a mocking photo of them together. I don't like seeing her heart broken, so I didn't say ery little about the incident (not trying to sound like I was waiting in the weeds to scoop her back up, even though I am). Edited March 16, 2013 by lahnes36
Author lahnes36 Posted March 19, 2013 Author Posted March 19, 2013 (edited) The last week has been pure, unadulterated hell. I wake up every morning and cry for 2 hours. I don't think I can last much longer. The thought of me letting my marriage go and my wife being remarried is unbearable. I don't think i'm going to last another 2 weeks. Thinking of ending it. I can't take the pain anymore. The first thing I think of when I wake up is her, and the last thing I think of when I go to sleep is her. Edited March 19, 2013 by lahnes36
TailSpin75 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Are you seeing a therapist? You've got to let her go brother. Please don't say to yourself - 'that's easy for you to say'... I am 3 months into hearing my STBX ask for divorce after 17 years of marriage and 20 years together - high school sweethearts. I could write volumes describing what she meant to me - how I saw her - how I felt about her - what I would do for her. It's not my preference to let her go - if I could keep her in my life I would (well... maybe - even after 3 months I am detaching). You know what's worse than losing the love your life? Losing her and then never recovering from that loss. I do feel for you brother but it seems that you are choosing to not let go - that's greatly different from not knowing how to let go. 2
Author lahnes36 Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 (edited) Are you seeing a therapist? You've got to let her go brother. Please don't say to yourself - 'that's easy for you to say'... I am 3 months into hearing my STBX ask for divorce after 17 years of marriage and 20 years together - high school sweethearts. I could write volumes describing what she meant to me - how I saw her - how I felt about her - what I would do for her. It's not my preference to let her go - if I could keep her in my life I would (well... maybe - even after 3 months I am detaching). You know what's worse than losing the love your life? Losing her and then never recovering from that loss. I do feel for you brother but it seems that you are choosing to not let go - that's greatly different from not knowing how to let go. I've been on medication before. I gave it up because it made me too apathetic toward life. I ended up getting a divorce with her without even much of a whimper while I was on medication. What a disastrous mistake. Edited March 20, 2013 by lahnes36
TailSpin75 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I had the same mindset for a long time - make the loss (for me too) all that more devastating. Overcoming this adversity - me with mine and you with yours - is a reflection of us and what we're capable of. You know - my father always told me 'she too good for you' - he even told her 'you're too good for my son'. And you know what - I believed that for a long time, right up until about 7 weeks ago. Then I realized - this was a problem I had (not anyone else) - it's a problem I had in the way I viewed myself and what value I gave to myself. Not an easy thing for me to see or accept - but didn't make it any less true. And after 7 weeks I'm still working to change that perception - aren't we all a work in progress though? We cannot spend all our effort looking outward for acceptance and validation.
M30USA Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Am I the only one who finds it strange that his ex-wife got remarried after just 2 months of divorce? That right there speaks volumes.
Steadfast Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Getting her back won't fix what's wrong with you. Not only are you easily agitated, but your severe dependance issues would tax even the strongest of character. Anyone would find it difficult to maintain your needs, and your ex hardly sounds up to that. How old are you? Do you realize that we're responsible for our own happiness? Marriage can't do it. Only you. Tell your parents you need professional help. Tell your ex the same thing. Maybe, all of you together can find a way out of the twisted mess you've made. This is for sure: married or not, you'll threaten to harm yourself again. Fix the big stuff first. The little stuff second. 1
Author lahnes36 Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 (edited) Getting her back won't fix what's wrong with you. Not only are you easily agitated, but your severe dependance issues would tax even the strongest of character. Anyone would find it difficult to maintain your needs, and your ex hardly sounds up to that. How old are you? Do you realize that we're responsible for our own happiness? Marriage can't do it. Only you. Tell your parents you need professional help. Tell your ex the same thing. Maybe, all of you together can find a way out of the twisted mess you've made. This is for sure: married or not, you'll threaten to harm yourself again. Fix the big stuff first. The little stuff second. "Severe dependence issues"? I know it sounds that way, but some of things I haven't put forth are: -i've been paying half her rent for last 8 months, still paying half her rent -i've paid for the furniture, computer, office, and TV in her apartment (pretty much everything of worth she owns right now) -I bought her a $1300 ring -I left my job and moved twice (1000+ mile distances) to accomodate her job changes Am I resentful for these things? No not at all. She worked hard to get her M.D. and I was glad to help her out while she was on hard times. I don't think i've created a "twisted mess". I've helped her tremendously in getting where she is with her current residency (which she has held for 8 months now). I've never felt depression like I have in my entire life and I regret my divorce and how I swallowed it down so easily at the time. The first thing I think of when I wake up is how I miss being married, and the second thing I think of is swallowing a bullet. I am telling a bunch of random internet strangers who can't really do anything, so how can you construe it as a "threat"? Edited March 20, 2013 by lahnes36
TailSpin75 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 lahnes36 - what are you looking for out of this forum? (Honest question). I see people here "a bunch of random internet strangers"... trying to help you... with perspective and the reality of your situation (with the details you've provided). It certainly sounds like you're near or at rock bottom emotionally and people have responded to you in a way that's... food for thought IF your interest is in improving your overall emotional condition. You're laser focused on her... but I do not believe that she is the solution to your problem - she's the reason you are in the position you are in. I am in agreement with Steadfast. 1
Author lahnes36 Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 lahnes36 - what are you looking for out of this forum? (Honest question). I see people here "a bunch of random internet strangers"... trying to help you... with perspective and the reality of your situation (with the details you've provided). It certainly sounds like you're near or at rock bottom emotionally and people have responded to you in a way that's... food for thought IF your interest is in improving your overall emotional condition. You're laser focused on her... but I do not believe that she is the solution to your problem - she's the reason you are in the position you are in. I am in agreement with Steadfast. I'll admit that I am lasered focused on her. She's my alpha and my omega. She's a ship worth going down for. I may be a delusional psychotic, but at least I love something in this world. I am also a veteran and i've lost friends and my old roommate in the Iraq war. I regret not dying and only making it through half a tour (before succumbing to ptsd) before the end of the war. We all gotta die some time. If it's my time it's my time.
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