calgent Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Hello World, I was informed yesterday that my wife of 20 years is wanting a divorce. I am in shock and physically ill. Sorry if this drags on... I've been up for about 30 hours. We got married at the age of 18 after her mom passed. We were in love from the age of 12. We have three beautiful children that are also very hurt and confused. I knew something was not right for about a month, I tried to find out what the issue was without being desperate or pushy. I could not get an answer. There's nothing I wouldn't do for her and the kids. I tried so hard... too little too late it seems. I feel I have failed as a husband and father. Over the years I was not the best husband, I should have been more caring and less clinical. I have tried to grow and learn along the way. I have checked into if an affair has taken place, I believe it has not. Nevertheless, I don't know what to think. If it has, the outcome remains the same. I am just so sorry that failed everyone. I am so sorry to my children, they are just innocent. This is compounded with the fact I am self employed. I am going to be unable to maintain for the near future. I have no friends or family, no support system. My mom lives two provinces away. I can not leave my children to fend for themselves. Their mom is fantastic and they'll be well cared for, but that's irrelevant. This is very bad for them and me. I have been home with them for 10 years now. They are a little older, but still... I just don't know. I would need to find a stable job, a place to live, and get set up. My wife/ex to be says we should stay together and act normal as possible till I get stable. 30/60 days. I just don't know if I can do it, I can't function. She just wants to do right by the children. I understand that. I told her to keep everything, it's best for the children. There is no custody battle nor court issues. I love them far too much to hurt them more than I already have. I know I need to set her free, but I am destroyed. My only support is many miles away. I don't know if I am strong enough to do this. She says she just wants to be free, nobody to answer to. If she wants to go for drinks after work, that's what she wants to do. She got married too young and needs to experience life. She feels trapped. I do not control any aspect of her life, it's one of the lessons I learned in the early years. She was, and will always remain free. I will step aside and try to deal with the pain. I am so sorry for all the pain this is causing everyone. I am so lost right now. It just hurts so bad. I wish I could take back every hurtful thing I've ever done or said. I just want her to be happy and safe. It hurts so bad. Thank you world for listening to me. Take care for now everyone.
HipProfessor Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 You seem to be a genuine person. I feel your pain. At least your wife was honest and straightforward. My STBXW made me dinner at night and took the furniture in the morning. Very deceptive. When I called her she mentioned he same stuff about being free and not answering to anyone. I'm not in a position to advise you as I am a mess myself. Just hang it there and take care. 1
FazedOut Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Hello World, I was informed yesterday that my wife of 20 years is wanting a divorce. I am in shock and physically ill. Sorry if this drags on... I've been up for about 30 hours. We got married at the age of 18 after her mom passed. We were in love from the age of 12. We have three beautiful children that are also very hurt and confused. I knew something was not right for about a month, I tried to find out what the issue was without being desperate or pushy. I could not get an answer. There's nothing I wouldn't do for her and the kids. I tried so hard... too little too late it seems. I feel I have failed as a husband and father. Over the years I was not the best husband, I should have been more caring and less clinical. I have tried to grow and learn along the way. I have checked into if an affair has taken place, I believe it has not. Nevertheless, I don't know what to think. If it has, the outcome remains the same. I am just so sorry that failed everyone. I am so sorry to my children, they are just innocent. This is compounded with the fact I am self employed. I am going to be unable to maintain for the near future. I have no friends or family, no support system. My mom lives two provinces away. I can not leave my children to fend for themselves. Their mom is fantastic and they'll be well cared for, but that's irrelevant. This is very bad for them and me. I have been home with them for 10 years now. They are a little older, but still... I just don't know. I would need to find a stable job, a place to live, and get set up. My wife/ex to be says we should stay together and act normal as possible till I get stable. 30/60 days. I just don't know if I can do it, I can't function. She just wants to do right by the children. I understand that. I told her to keep everything, it's best for the children. There is no custody battle nor court issues. I love them far too much to hurt them more than I already have. I know I need to set her free, but I am destroyed. My only support is many miles away. I don't know if I am strong enough to do this. She says she just wants to be free, nobody to answer to. If she wants to go for drinks after work, that's what she wants to do. She got married too young and needs to experience life. She feels trapped. I do not control any aspect of her life, it's one of the lessons I learned in the early years. She was, and will always remain free. I will step aside and try to deal with the pain. I am so sorry for all the pain this is causing everyone. I am so lost right now. It just hurts so bad. I wish I could take back every hurtful thing I've ever done or said. I just want her to be happy and safe. It hurts so bad. Thank you world for listening to me. Take care for now everyone. It's obvious you are stunned!! I'm in almost EXACTLY the same boat, except my husband left in Oct. I'm sorry, I wish I could give you a hug, you need one. This isn't ALL your fault, it didn't sound like you were a bad husband...we all make mistakes & hindsight is 20/20. Just improve what you can, when you can. In the meantime, especially the first few days, just take care of your self. Try to eat, sleep. I know, I know...but try. Don't beg, it didn't help me at all & it was humiliating as hell!! I have no insight, but wanted to say that there are people who COMPLETELY understands your utter devastation & are here to listen.
Author calgent Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 You seem to be a genuine person. I feel your pain. At least your wife was honest and straightforward. My STBXW made me dinner at night and took the furniture in the morning. Very deceptive. When I called her she mentioned he same stuff about being free and not answering to anyone. I'm not in a position to advise you as I am a mess myself. Just hang it there and take care. There was signs, up till the very moment though, I was sure things were okay. 20 years, we've always worked through things. I've had cancer four times, she was always there for me, as hard as it was. I have been in good health now for over four years. My freelance graphic design company has been taking off. Now it has just hit a wall. It was fine in the morning, then after work, bam! No tears, no nothing... just cold. I'm in no way perfect, I just had no idea she was so over things. I feel so guilty that I made her feel this way. I tried so hard to be a good husband. Thank you for responding to my post. I hope the best for you in the future.
seriously-let-down Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Don't blame yourself, you said you never showed her the attention of caring and not being the best husband. Well we are men and that is typically behaviour. I'm sorry for the pain that you are feeling, to me it sounds like your wife is having a midlife crisis, my STBXW is having one of those due to weight loss surgery. Remember this is not your fault, none of this is your doing. She wants the divorce, you are willing to try and save it. I was told it was my fault my marriage ended. But in the end it was the greener grass syndrome. Surround yourself with family and friends and look after yourself. It's about you now. If it is over you will rebuild your life. I too felt I had nothing, but slowly a new future for is now beginning to take shape. Take care and take time mending you. 1
Author calgent Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 It's obvious you are stunned!! I'm in almost EXACTLY the same boat, except my husband left in Oct. I'm sorry, I wish I could give you a hug, you need one. This isn't ALL your fault, it didn't sound like you were a bad husband...we all make mistakes & hindsight is 20/20. Just improve what you can, when you can. In the meantime, especially the first few days, just take care of your self. Try to eat, sleep. I know, I know...but try. Don't beg, it didn't help me at all & it was humiliating as hell!! I have no insight, but wanted to say that there are people who COMPLETELY understands your utter devastation & are here to listen. Thank you for your kind words. Begging is not an option. About 10 years ago we had a similar situation. I begged for three days, and changed many of my ways. She stayed, and things were well for years. Now, here we are. At that time I promised myself, never to do it again. It will not change what is. All I can do is set her free, but she's taking a huge part of me with her. The pain is still crippling my soul. I can't look at my children without crying, it's a minuet at a time right now. I keep telling myself I need to learn and grow; fight to be strong. I'll just try. Thank you again 1
Author calgent Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 Don't blame yourself, you said you never showed her the attention of caring and not being the best husband. Well we are men and that is typically behaviour. I'm sorry for the pain that you are feeling, to me it sounds like your wife is having a midlife crisis, my STBXW is having one of those due to weight loss surgery. Remember this is not your fault, none of this is your doing. She wants the divorce, you are willing to try and save it. I was told it was my fault my marriage ended. But in the end it was the greener grass syndrome. Surround yourself with family and friends and look after yourself. It's about you now. If it is over you will rebuild your life. I too felt I had nothing, but slowly a new future for is now beginning to take shape. Take care and take time mending you. Thank you very much. I really wish I had a larger support system around me. It's going to be a rough road for sure. I'm just going to try and maintain. You take care as well.
2.50 a gallon Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Alas your story is an often repeated story. Transitioning from out of their teenage years, they rush to marry and start a family, then begining in the mid 30's, they see old age coming over the horizon and start to wonder what they missed out on. I see this more with women than men, but it is not gender specific Do not blame yourself, this is her doing 2
Author calgent Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 Alas your story is an often repeated story. Transitioning from out of their teenage years, they rush to marry and start a family, then begining in the mid 30's, they see old age coming over the horizon and start to wonder what they missed out on. I see this more with women than men, but it is not gender specific Do not blame yourself, this is her doing Very true. Thanks for the post. Update: Found out what I had already figured, it's another man. I'm just trying to give her space and move on at this point. I have no support system whatsoever. I need to think about my children. If I move to my mom's, I'll be abandoning my children for my support. It's so far away. I can't do that to them. I have an interview set-up for the morning in our city. I just don't know if I can get through it without crying. Lack of sleep, no food; I can fight through that, but the pain is unstoppable. I have no choice I guess, I'll just try. She is coming home so far, and promises to give me a couple of weeks to get set-up. We have started plans to end things peacefully. She has always been a wonderful mother; I hope we can end this as smoothly as able. I just want her to be happy. I simply have no fight left in me. I am so weak and destroyed. It's minuet by minuet at this point. From normal to she can't be in the same room with me overnight. I'll never understand. Take care friends, my thoughts are with you all.
2sunny Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Show her what it's gonna be like. Have her move immediately. For now have her live on her own money...money she earns. Put any money in an acct with your name only. Close her credit cards. File for divorce. Take action! Ask for at least 50% custody of your kids - you won't stop being their Father. She wants to be on her own - then let her see how hard it is! Sorry for your pain. She's obviously been cheating a while - get tested for diseases. 2
revitup Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Another man,some of us saw that one coming in your first paragraph unfortunately,it seems we can see right through other people's cheater spouse's while not wanting to see our own.I know it feels bad now,but believe me you are better off finding out quick and moving on fast. There is no fix for another man,especially one who has no identity to you.How can you battle the invisible man?If it was not him it would be someone else. Don't look back and double guess yourself my friend.That will end in a loss of your own manhood.This is the work of a cheater and cheaters do not respect weakness. I suspect when,like myself,you look back in a few months you will see things you had missed before now.There are always signs that those of us who care will simply sweep under the rug.I was no different. Anyway,hang in there and always keep your man game on,you will have to live with you for life,the cheater will trade down and you soon will be happy to be out of a one sided relationship,at least that's how it is with me now. Good luck. REVITUP
Author calgent Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 (edited) Thank you all again so very much for being there. We are going through all the papers tomorrow, then to the bank to close the account. Even though people are telling me she needs to leave, it will be me that goes. I just want my children to have best. This is there long time home, they need their friends and home. They need their mom. I will live and recover I'm sure. I could not handle witnessing things for myself, the things she said this morning were harsh enough. I knew and just needed the truth. Many signs come to think of it. I'll find a place a community over and build a second home for my children. We have no issues when it comes to money or custody. I guess that's the only good thing. She only stayed this long so they had their father, she figured I'd be on the bus to moms. Until this morning, I thought I would as well. I just hope it will work out best for the kids. I need to stay strong. My neighbor is going to drive me to my interview in the morning, it pays $28 a hour. If I can manage to maintain and land this gig, it will sure help me. I'll update. Take care all. Edited March 13, 2013 by calgent addition
Darth Vader Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Hello World, I was informed yesterday that my wife of 20 years is wanting a divorce. I am in shock and physically ill. Sorry if this drags on... I've been up for about 30 hours. We got married at the age of 18 after her mom passed. We were in love from the age of 12. We have three beautiful children that are also very hurt and confused. I knew something was not right for about a month, I tried to find out what the issue was without being desperate or pushy. I could not get an answer. There's nothing I wouldn't do for her and the kids. I tried so hard... too little too late it seems. I feel I have failed as a husband and father. Over the years I was not the best husband, I should have been more caring and less clinical. I have tried to grow and learn along the way. I have checked into if an affair has taken place, I believe it has not. Nevertheless, I don't know what to think. If it has, the outcome remains the same. I am just so sorry that failed everyone. I am so sorry to my children, they are just innocent. This is compounded with the fact I am self employed. I am going to be unable to maintain for the near future. I have no friends or family, no support system. My mom lives two provinces away. I can not leave my children to fend for themselves. Their mom is fantastic and they'll be well cared for, but that's irrelevant. This is very bad for them and me. I have been home with them for 10 years now. They are a little older, but still... I just don't know. I would need to find a stable job, a place to live, and get set up. My wife/ex to be says we should stay together and act normal as possible till I get stable. 30/60 days. I just don't know if I can do it, I can't function. She just wants to do right by the children. I understand that. I told her to keep everything, it's best for the children. There is no custody battle nor court issues. I love them far too much to hurt them more than I already have. I know I need to set her free, but I am destroyed. My only support is many miles away. I don't know if I am strong enough to do this. She says she just wants to be free, nobody to answer to. If she wants to go for drinks after work, that's what she wants to do. She got married too young and needs to experience life. She feels trapped. I do not control any aspect of her life, it's one of the lessons I learned in the early years. She was, and will always remain free. I will step aside and try to deal with the pain. I am so sorry for all the pain this is causing everyone. I am so lost right now. It just hurts so bad. I wish I could take back every hurtful thing I've ever done or said. I just want her to be happy and safe. It hurts so bad. Thank you world for listening to me. Take care for now everyone. I'm wondering who the other man is?! Women just don't up and drop everything like this unless she's getting some strange from another man! It just doesn't happen!
Author calgent Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 I'm wondering who the other man is?! Women just don't up and drop everything like this unless she's getting some strange from another man! It just doesn't happen! She started a new job a few months back. Apparently it's started with a customer hitting on her.
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