TailSpin75 Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 FazedOut - It breaks my heart (brings tears to my eyes) when I read what you've poured out into this forum; I genuinely feel your pain. Hearing encouragement, positive things, and uplifting message are nice (necessary for us too) - but at the same time I recall in the very early stages most were just a nice collection of words at that time. I could hear the advice or encouragement but it didn't carry very much weight and truly didn't 'stay' with me - it was (and is) the struggle that remained. There is a war raging inside you right now - between what your mind knows and understands to be truth - and what your heart is so desperate to fight for and keep. There are many battlefields on which this war has and will take place... including this forum. - Let that war be fought here and in conversation with friends and family and in a journal. Get those feelings and thoughts out. (No apologies for ranting or venting - you're already a witness to the collection of good people on LS) I've already described my repeated 'setbacks' and reaching out to her in those early times. We all find our own way through this process but that first 6 weeks for me was an agony that simply could not be described by words - only those with that unfortunate experience can relate. I am so very sorry for you FazedOut. Are you writing in a journal? I began one just before STBX made decision for divorce - I continue to pour myself into my journal. 'They' say we will come out of this so much stronger and more confident; that we will truly know ourselves. My journal is one of the battlefields in which the war between my heart and mind is fought. And I wanted to not only get what's in my out... but I want to be able to look back someday... perhaps years from now and see this seemingly insurmountable adversity that I was able to overcome. What I've learned overtime that has truly helped me... ever so slowly as I continue to crawl my way out of this hell... is to not foster thoughts that do not serve you. Of course, they will be there (as they are for me) - but I don't reinforce them and do my best to not dwell on them. Like you, I know I'm not perfect but I completely accept that I was (am) better than most in my role as a spouse. So I still get thoughts related to if I did this... or said that... and when that happens I just drop 'em. Distract myself, begin counting prime numbers, call someone, read, anything that gets my mind away from those thoughts. Also, I often think how 'easy' this is for her or how happy she is that I'm out of her life... same thing - I completely accept that I do not know (like him texting - it's a guess, you don't know, and those thoughts only work to bury you). Finally - I still struggle (with so many things) - with seeing her for who she truly is versus who she's been in my mind's eye and heart for over 20 years. My brain knows, without a doubt, that it was her behavior, acts, and choices that put me in this hell. Of course, the woman in my mind's eye would never do this. There in lies the paradox. I explain to people (who 'hate' her now and don't know why I'm hurt instead of furious) - it's like Sun - it truly is easy to see but incredibly hard to look at. The emotional trauma that many of us here sustain... endure... work though - is massive. We want so desperately for this to end - I've told people it's like living your life after you've been set on fire - you're in agony, it hurts beyond description, can't focus or concentrate like before and hearing that the fire will go out... in time. Of course, I always feel that she could put that fire out at anytime - but I know that she will not, so I do my best to stop adding fuel to this fire. FazedOut - you're doing what you need to do... keep posting, get a journal (if you haven't), and we'll keep helping each out through this relentless struggle. 2
Author FazedOut Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 He ended up texting ME for an hour & a half at the end of the night ( till midnight). Nothing important, just passing time. I tried to hold out, but it's so hard. I have to see him every weekend & have no one to talk to but these forums. No friends or family, they were all his. So, because hes friendly & it's just conversation to pad time, I go ahead & text. He was fishing at the end, to see if I would say I was looking forward to seeing him. Naturally I did. So stupid. I do look forward to seeing him & our son, celebrating sons 25th birthday & a job promotion with him too. I'm just not good at playing games, our protecting myself emotionally , I guess. Hopefully I learn to do the second befor it's too late. Everything you said, it resonates. I'm digesting it, Tailspin. Thanks so much for listening & responding...it means a lot. I find you incredibly inspirational & look forward to your continued helpful & hopeful posts as this thing unfolds for us. Hugs.
TailSpin75 Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 I too have no family here (not within hundreds of miles) and only 1 single friend but he's in a 'serious' relationship. This is nearly an impossible journey to take alone Okay - you are not allowed to use the word 'stupid' anymore Hindsight is 20/20 and it's amazing difficult to not be driven my emotions when your wounds are so incredibly fresh. We all reach into the fire and we all get burned - and ultimately we all learn when we've had enough. I continue to receive input or advice on what I should do (even what I should think) - but we all make our way through this process in our own way. It is vital, however - that we do learn as we go... do not allow yourself to continue to do the same things that you view as mistakes. I believe that these are the experiences that ultimately lead us to be stronger on the other side - more in control with our mind rather than our emotions. But at this stage - we're still trying to keep our heads above water. 1
Author FazedOut Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 I only view it as a mistake because I know I all hold so many feelings for him & it appears he doesn't reciprocate. Otherwise, I enjoy speaking with him. I know it prolongs my agony, but I honestly dont see how we could NOT interact until I move. Even then .... Yes! i'd love a penpal. Thank you. I hope you don't regret it....because it's all I can talk about.And, I know it gets old.
TailSpin75 Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 I'm in the same boat - the 'situation' dominates me... there are moments when it doesn't but they're so brief.
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