FazedOut Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 (edited) I haven't had a chance to write my sitch out, as I only have a phone to access internet currently. Anyway, I'd appreciate advice if anyone could give it to me... My husband and I have been separated since Oct.12 at his insistence (we "grew apart" & he wants to "enjoy his life and be happy"). We live apart weekdays, he works 2 hours away & sleeps on his moms/friends couches and comes back to the house weekends. He insists he wants a divorce, but acts "as if" things are "normal" when he's here (there is some distance, loss of affection towards me, & hes attached at the hip to his phone). We eat together, sleep together (literally & physically), & enjoy hanging out, doing things. He wants to remain "friends". I've been allowing all this, hoping we could reconcile, but he insists to myself & our kids that hes "pretty sure" he doesn't want to be married or "with me" anymore because he "may or may not be happier without me in his life". Ok, fine...it's finally starting to sink in as much as I hate it. My question is WHY does he text me daily? I only respond, never initiate. I try to be friendly & light..as I said, I was wanting to reconcile. The thing that makes me the most insane is...he asks me at least once a week he asks me , " whats wrong?" when I'm short in texts. Or, if he sees through me (after 25 years he knows me oh too well), & the sadness shows when hes around. To me it seems obvious "whats wrong"!!! He left & wants a divorce. He lives on friends couches, one a 4x divorcee giving him martial advice from the perspective of a bitter man who got screwed over just last year...and this makes him"happier" than our house, kids, nice middle class life? Wow. So, how do I respond to these incessant "what's wrong" questions?! I'm currently unemployed, but searching ( thats not easy after 25 years as a SHM & with mild physical disabilities) with no money,family or friends who can take me in. I'm "stuck" for the meantime, until I can get situated. Our son is trying to buy a house so myself, our daughter, and the dogs have a place to go. I don't want to file divorce, if he wants it, he'll have to. For now he is supplying mortgage payments (her plans to keep the house), Most utilities & some food/gas. Hes not an evil monster...and neither am I. We just got into a bad habit of not communicating & sweeping things under the rug for much much too long. New friends influenced his wants to be free attitude, and helped widen our rift. It sucks!! But, honestly, I'm so confused. I don't know what to do/think/ how to act anymore. I cry daily,have lost 60 pounds because I can't eat/sleep, have read self help books, attend counseling, and have been working on me. I still have a long way to go, but I'm making the effort. He never seems to care one way or another about anything. Never even seen a single tear shed, every problem in our relationship is my fault. He SAYS its a hard decision, but from MY side it sure doesn't seem its been hard on him!! He complains about living on couches & being an imposition to friends/family more than anything... Edited March 12, 2013 by FazedOut
TailSpin75 Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Again FazedOut I am sorry to hear of your situation... Have you discussed marriage counselling with him - is that an option that he's open to?
Author FazedOut Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 Again FazedOut I am sorry to hear of your situation... Have you discussed marriage counselling with him - is that an option that he's open to? I've asked several times, that was my second question after"why" on the day he told me he wanted a divorce. His response was he didn't need to air his dirty laundry to a stranger & I should KNOW how/what he needs to be happy & loved in the marriage!!
Mr. Lucky Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 My husband and I have been separated since Oct.12 at his insistence (we "grew apart" & he wants to "enjoy his life and be happy"). We live apart weekdays, he works 2 hours away & sleeps on his moms/friends couches and comes back to the house weekends. He insists he wants a divorce, but acts "as if" things are "normal" when he's here (there is some distance, loss of affection towards me, & hes attached at the hip to his phone). We eat together, sleep together (literally & physically), & enjoy hanging out, doing things. He wants to remain "friends". I've been allowing all this, hoping we could reconcile, but he insists to myself & our kids that hes "pretty sure" he doesn't want to be married or "with me" anymore because he "may or may not be happier without me in his life". Ok, fine...it's finally starting to sink in as much as I hate it. How you thought that he might be having an affair ??? The distance, separation, phone use, etc., are all symptoms of infidelity. He may have what he considers the best of both worlds - your company on the weekends and someone else during the week... Mr. Lucky 3
Dragonfruit Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 (edited) (kind of long...) Sorry you're stuck in such a mess. I also think he has someone else. Maybe someone married and that's why he comes home on weekends. So, he's demoted you and got you auditioning on the slim chance that he'll let you have your old life back. And you are miserably waiting for him to decide your fate? Wow, he really thinks he's something and you're nothing, doesn't he? Do you agree with him? I don't think he minds sleeping on couches, probably likes the return to his youth, a bachelor pad and a roommate. Then he still gets his home and even sex with his wife on the weekends. Of course he's nice, he's quite happy with a life where he gets to do anything he wants. You're married and he's not. I don't think he is coming back. He is doling out a tiny bit of hope because that's how he keeps things pleasant for himself until he makes his big break. And of course, it allows him to feel that he's a pretty fine fellow while he does so. Because look! His wife likes him. He is not interested in his nice middle class home and nice middle class wife, all that bores him now. So why keep giving it to him? I think if this marriage is to have a chance, you have to put some fire under his feet, show him some attitude. He likes life turned upside down? Good, turn it upside down, your way, not his. You've lost 60 pounds. Wow! I'm assuming that's a good thing, even though it came about for bad reasons? So, now you are a hot mama and maybe your boring old middle class house and boring old dumpy husband bore you, too. I don't think self-help books are going to help much when the problem is you are stuck in an icky dynamic, where he does whatever he wants and you try to please him and wait for him to decide your fate. Oh, hell no! I'd grab any job, right this minute, and get your own apartment. Let him come home to just what he's left for you, nothing at all. Don't bother to tell him. Not because you're mad, but just because he is so insignificant that you didn't think of it. Quit answering his texts and calls. Stop keeping him comforatble while he treats you like sh**. It just gets you more being treated like sh**. Remember, this is a guy who is bored by your loyalty and caring, so you should stop boring him. Sex is to be reserved for your new boyfriend, who you should get immediately so that your sexual needs can be filled by someone who is new and interesting. I would not move in with the son. That is so unfair. The father gets to run off and act like a teenager, and the son forfeits that for himself because he has to be the man of the house? No, let the son have his youth. It is not his job to take care of his mother, you ma'am, need to take care of yourself. That will probably greatly intrigue your husband, too, as having a wife at home waiting for him and fixing his meals and all that bores him. Get a legal separation and your husband will have to help pay for your apartment, you won't have to please him to get what you need to live. He will HAVE to pay it, not under his control but under yours. Be sure to furnish your new place on the credit cards. Your new place needs to be exciting and fresh, it is not a sad mausoleum full of leftovers of a broken home. Let him deal with all that drudgery of selling the house and send you a check. If that's what he wants then he can do all that boring stuff while you enjoy cocktail hour at the swimming pool of your cool new apartment. That way, YOU are immediately in charge of YOUR life and no longer accepting the humiliating, depressing, soul-crushing position of waiting for him to choose if he'll deign to keep you or toss you in the trash. Tell him to f*** off, you have new and exciting things to do and can't be bothered with his retarded little tyrannies. See what he does when no one cares what he wants. He might just find this new dynamic, independent, uninterested wife wildly exciting and beg to have you back. (Remember, having a nice predictable solid wife bores him and is to be disposed of whenever he's done using it). Or, you will have such a great new life you won't want him back and won't care. So, I don't see how you can lose. My advice is do it now and do it with style. You will feel SO much better. Good luck to you. Edited March 13, 2013 by Dragonfruit 2
TailSpin75 Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Good morning FazedOut - I agree that another woman sounds likely. Believe me I understand how crushing this realization may be, but as others have mentioned - the symptoms do fit the behavior. Working towards your independence from him is a great move. It sounds like you're (understandably after 25 years) still trying to 'figure him out' but you obviously have heard and understand enough to know that what he's doing is a real game changer. I spent 2 months letting STBX 'call the shots' - she had told me she wasn't sure if the marriage was what she wanted and I wanted nothing more than to 'work with her' in an effort to preserve the marriage. In my case (and many others) - she already knew the marriage was over for her during that time and was either refining her exit strategy or just didn't know how to break the news. As challenging and difficult as it might be - taking some control of your situation (some of the suggestions Dragonfruit mentioned) will help you gain better perspective. 1
Gunny376 Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 I haven't had a chance to write my situation out, as I only have a phone to access internet currently. Anyway, I'd appreciate advice if anyone could give it to me... My husband and I have been separated since Oct.12 at his insistence (we "grew apart" & he wants to "enjoy his life and be happy"). We live apart weekdays, he works 2 hours away & sleeps on his moms/friends couches and comes back to the house weekends. He insists he wants a divorce, but acts "as if" things are "normal" when he's here (there is some distance, loss of affection towards me, & hes attached at the hip to his phone). We eat together, sleep together (literally & physically), & enjoy hanging out, doing things. He wants to remain "friends". I've been allowing all this, hoping we could reconcile, but he insists to myself & our kids that hes "pretty sure" he doesn't want to be married or "with me" anymore because he "may or may not be happier without me in his life". Ok, fine...it's finally starting to sink in as much as I hate it. My question is WHY does he text me daily? I only respond, never initiate. I try to be friendly & light..as I said, I was wanting to reconcile. The thing that makes me the most insane is...he asks me at least once a week he asks me , " whats wrong?" when I'm short in texts. Or, if he sees through me (after 25 years he knows me oh too well), & the sadness shows when hes around. To me it seems obvious "whats wrong"!!! He left & wants a divorce. He lives on friends couches, one a 4x divorcee giving him martial advice from the perspective of a bitter man who got screwed over just last year...and this makes him"happier" than our house, kids, nice middle class life? Wow! So, how do I respond to these incessant "what's wrong" questions?! I'm currently unemployed, but searching ( thats not easy after 25 years as a SHM & with mild physical disabilities) with no money,family or friends who can take me in. I'm "stuck" for the meantime, until I can get situated. Our son is trying to buy a house so myself, our daughter, and the dogs have a place to go. I don't want to if he wants it, he'll have to. For now he is supplying (her plans to keep the house), Most utilities & some food/gas. Hes not an evil monster...and neither am I. We just got into a bad habit of not communicating & sweeping things under the rug for much much too long. New friends influenced his wants to be free attitude, and helped widen our rift. It sucks!! But, honestly, I'm so confused. I don't know what to do/think/ how to act anymore. I cry daily,have lost 60 pounds because I can't eat/sleep, have read self help books, attend counseling, and have been working on me. I still have a long way to go, but I'm making the effort. He never seems to care one way or another about anything. Never even seen a single tear shed, every problem in our relationship is my fault. He SAYS its a hard decision, but from MY side it sure doesn't seem its been hard on him!! He complains about living on couches & being an imposition to friends/family more than anything... I cleaned this up to make it easier to read ~ Hope this helps ~ I'm not tha' grammer, spelling police ~ but I damned went blind trying to read it! 2
Author FazedOut Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 (edited) Gunny, thanks. It's hard from a phone. I have RA & my fingers are bent, so it's a bit tough on a phone. Not to mention I'm kinda all over the place so spelling & grammar are out the window lately. Dragonfruit, thanks for the response. Yup, I get what you're saying. However, I face a few more challenges than I posted. Getting a job is something he's pressuring me to do, and I've been looking (had one interview, didnt get hired).I have some physical disabilities that are going to require concessions be made for me by employers. In the current job market in my area, I'm pretty much hosed because there are so many better prospects, I'm overlooked. Hopefully I'll be in the right place at the right time application wise, but so far, not so much. I totally agree this is icky. It is degrading, really. I'd love to escape , but his credit cards are maxed (family medical emergency last year) & mine are all charging off. So, my credit is on the toilet now too. No hope to rent an apartment, can't afford it(nor qualify), even with roommates. He wants adult daughter & I to remain in the house and cover the mortgage, he'll "be happy to help with the difference" after we get roommates. hahahaha. Not realistic. As much as I'd like that so my daughter could keep her job & I wouldn't have to search for housing with my dogs (who are like my kids& I will make huge concessions for. I once said I'd live in a tent to keep them, and I may just have to prove that!!). Yes, I believe there's at least an EA going on, even though he denies it & my son says no. I plan to get a grip on this, I have to, acceptance is finally hitting after all these months of hoping he'd still find value in me/the marriage. Like you said, it's boring. Hes off doing who knows what with whomever...and he knows right where I am, doing nothing shady with our daughter each night. I totally agree about my son not having the responsibility for me, I need to do it myself. Just need to formulate a realistic plan. Your suggestions sound really ballsy, but are not true to me as a person, nor realistic for my sitch. My reality is, it's gonna take longer than I'd like, and I'm going to have to keep peace & suck it up for awhile. I don't want him to lose the house, but see no way he can keep it. Having made this decision, he simply can't afford the house AND alimony that I will get. The house is currently being remodeled by him, so I'll stay put through April at least.then I guess it can be( attempted) sold. We are underwater, so no checks will be forthcoming. It's all really a mess. I just can't believe I'm here. NEVER thought my stable, loving, normal husband would trip like this. His parents were married 46 years till his dad passed, his brothers have gone through bad divorces, I just didn't think this was something we'd face. I'm wondering if it's all an affair, or if it's MLC. So, I guess just be honest when he asks me whats wrong since he's probably gone for good? I'm trying to keep this thing anti adversarial, but I guess it's gonna hit the fan sooner or later.I was just hoping to have some $ a place to go beforehand. Edited March 13, 2013 by FazedOut
Dragonfruit Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 I'm sorry, Fazed Out. He is really doing you dirty and I see that you truly do have limited options right now. Best wishes. 1
TailSpin75 Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 FazedOut - the emotions are hard enough to manage, let alone the real world problems that come out of a bomb like this being dropped in your life. As I mentioned about my case - getting away was huge in my ability to begin processing and putting things back together. Don't get me wrong - I am still a hot mess, but I am able to operate a lot more now with my rational mind than my emotions. 1
Author FazedOut Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 (edited) I'm sorry, Fazed Out. He is really doing you dirty and I see that you truly do have limited options right now. Best wishes. Theres a ton more I haven't posted. But, yes, it's a real mess. Your post made me realize how dumb I look to others. I honestly just wanted our life back (with tweeks to make it happily workable), it wasn't bad until the last year or so (lots of arguing after a family member passed from cancer on March 15,'12). Slowly I'm realizing I might not want it back anymore. This has hurt a lot, beyond comprehension. I don't know if I could really forgive & forget. I've worked on selfimprovement, done soul searching. Hes done nothing but blame me. It's not all me. Maybe hes right, we just don't belong together, even if we do love eachother..... Thanks Tailspin & others. I'm definitely thinking about the sitch (can't think of anything else) & how I can get some distance! Your input helps. This weekend is our sons 25th birthday & he'll be coming to visit, so I have to maintain. Perhaps next week I can discuss the reality of the situation with my husband & get SOME idea of what he plans to do, let him know my thoughts on what I plan to do myself. Edited March 13, 2013 by FazedOut
Dragonfruit Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Ooh, I didn't mean to make you think you look dumb to others, and truly, I didn't think that. I am close to your same age and stage so I guess I just really identified with you and he made me furious! I don't like him to get to treat you that way, and it would be satisfying to see him not get to be oblivious. Sorry if it came across differently than I intended. You don't look dumb, he does! 4
TailSpin75 Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 You do not look dumb to others by the way. Most of us are here because we do understand and either 'there' or 'have been there'. You're doing the best you can given the emotional trauma you've so far endured. 3
ruh roh Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 FazedOut I'm really sorry to hear about your situation and I feel your pain. Actually I bought the same tee-shirt!!! lol (trying to keep it light) Did your H work 2-hours away before he told you that he wanted the divorce? After reading everything you posted, especially regarding him guarding his phone, I would be willing to bet dollars to donuts that there is another woman involved. In my case it was my W who basically did the same type of thing to me and her phone became like Ft. Knox, before and during our split. Because of your situation not allowing you to find a job very easily and the fact that you didn't work for so long, I would hire a Lawyer asap. At this point I would be more concerned about your H deciding one day soon that he doesn't want you staying in the house. You need to protect yourself legally just in case. Don't allow him to bully or control your emotions any longer. Stop sleeping with him. Let him sleep on the couch on the weekends. It sounds like he is mentally abusing you. Please don't allow that to happen any longer! From what you have said, it appears that you did your part as a wife and mother for 25-years so if he decides that he is out, fine, but he is going to have to pay for his freedom. It isn't your fault that he chose for you to be a stay-at-home mom and wife. It's also not of your choosing that you developed a disability over this time. You really should talk to a Lawyer to be 100% sure of your rights, but I don't see how he can possibly get out of supporting you, at least for the short term. This will give you piece of mind until you can secure employment, which will than open up more options for you. If you still love him and would really like to try and save your marriage, than I would also start looking at what he is doing. You need to do what you can to expose an affair, which as I said earlier, is most likely occurring. Take his cake away from him. Without it he may come in from the "fog" and realize what a fool he has become. If he does, than possibly MC can save the 25-years, that you have both invested into your marriage. Regardless of which route you follow, please stay strong. Don't allow him to control your emotions or ruin your self esteem. Things are tough for you right now, but you sound like a very nice, caring Lady. Try to remember that "What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger". I was in the same boat (just a different cabin) as you, a short time ago, but made the decision not to allow my wife to "take my soul" like she did our marriage! If you take back control for yourself you will start feeling the immediate benefits and rewards, which will than allow you to move forward into a much better place. I wish you much happiness and joy in your future. Put your left hand on your right shoulder, your right hand on your left shoulder and squeeze. That is me giving you a big hug! Take care, T 1
Mr. Lucky Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 But, yes, it's a real mess. Your post made me realize how dumb I look to others. I honestly just wanted our life back (with tweeks to make it happily workable) What you call being dumb in a relationship is called trust. Because we love and believe in our partners, we accept what they say as being truthful. That's why it's so much of a shock when it turns out not to be the case. Don't beat yourself up. That you believed him - and believed in him - just means you loved him... Mr. Lucky 3
Author FazedOut Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 (edited) What you call being dumb in a relationship is called trust. Because we love and believe in our partners, we accept what they say as being truthful. That's why it's so much of a shock when it turns out not to be the case. Don't beat yourself up. That you believed him - and believed in him - just means you loved him... Mr. Lucky Thank you all so much for the responses. I dont know where to start, but thank you. I have NEEDED that support for so long!! I've taken on so much guilt and sadness in my part of destroying the marriage. Nothing INTENTIONAL, but things that shouldn't have been done nonetheless. I pushed him away emotionally when I was overwhelmed with depression & pain. I was not the good wife I thought I was being. To me staying home , keeping the house clean, making homemade lunch AND dinner daily for him (& being there to share them with him, and our daughter), listening to him vent (rant!!) about frustrations at work (a LOT!!!), not running around cheating,spending ALL my free time available to him/spending time with him doing fun things or not much at all, and creating a comfortable, as low stress as possible home life for us was showing my love. He needed other ways of me showing it, but I didn't know/notice that. I've been blind...wrapped up in myself , my illnesses & those of family members (she passed away last March 15 & we were all torn up). I guess he felt neglected. Hes never said that, but in hindsight I believe thats a lot of it. I've told him that it seems fixable, and not fixing something fixable was a really cra@ppy reason IMO to throw away the life we have for financial & emotional ruin. He disagrees. Someone asked if he worked 2 hours away before separating. No, it's complicated, but he had to follow his employment to another area. I was upset because wer followed that employer 2 years ago, and bought a house because of that relocation. Now they moved back to the original location & we were "stuck" with an underwater mortgage here, forcing (I thought) our family having to live apart part time. I was a biotch about it, complaining. I just wanted to be together...but should have expressed it better . I didn't know about him wanting the separation until 3 days before he left to go work in the other city. He told me over his homemade lunch at home, then stayed out with friends drinking (we aren't drinkers due to our health issues/meds) the 3 days till he left, avoiding me. Chicken *****, if you ask me. Since then he won't really discuss details, just says we can't "afford" divorce right now, but he wants that , at least "for now". So, obviously, nothings been filed...but hes adamant. He always throws in the "for now", but I think he thinks i'll be around in a few YEARS if he changes his mind. Uh, not looking that way from where I stand. I do need to see a lawyer, but wanted him to go too, so he hears exactly what that alimony number is going to be (he'll puke) & for how long. Not that thats why I want him to change his mind, but maybe it'd force reality upon him? Right now ges in fantasy land. Told me , "I'm not going to support you forever, you know"...and that I "throw alimony in his face". Not true. Just want him to see this is going to f*up his financial future & probably cause him to lose the house. I implore him, is what hes going to gain be "worth it"?! I've mentioned alimony TWICE in 5 months, and all I've ever said was "eventually I'll need to have alimony if we divorce. It's the reality of the situation. I have to survive too, you know.". I really can't be any nicer about it. I told him I'd walk to the ends of the Earth for him, and I'd much rather have his love than any amount of money. All he replies with is , "I just don't see it". Sad. Truely sad if he REALLY can't see it instead of just not wanting to. I just can't believe the things I've stood by him through :heart problems for our entire marriage causing death scares, unemployment, bankruptsy, lawsuits, car accidents, an EA/PA, assorted surgeries, family deaths, family drug addiction, on & on. (The things life throws at you!!)...now I'm disabled, my dad is in heart failure & not doing well, and I'm having trouble coping with my chronic pain, having a hard time finding employment, am in financial & emotional distress...and he's gonna bail. Wow. Edited March 13, 2013 by FazedOut
Mr. Lucky Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 I just can't believe the things I've stood by him through :heart problems for our entire marriage causing death scares, unemployment, bankruptsy, lawsuits, car accidents, an EA/PA, assorted surgeries, family deaths, family drug addiction, on & on. (The things life throws at you!!)...now I'm disabled, my dad is in heart failure & not doing well, and I'm having trouble coping with my chronic pain, having a hard time finding employment, am in financial & emotional distress...and he's gonna bail. Wow. Quite a story. Reading your mention of his EA/PA unfortunately makes it even more likely that something similar is occurring now. Those that stray seem prone to repeat. Hang in there. Take care of yourself and your kids. Keep posting and telling us how it goes ... Mr. Lucky 1
Author FazedOut Posted March 14, 2013 Author Posted March 14, 2013 Today hubby texts me that he's concerned about the growing distance between him & our daughter (21, living with me weekdays). I told him talk to her, she's hurting, has walls up so shes mean to you as a defense mechanism (and boy is she mean to him verbally!!). Find a middle ground, tell her you love her. He says he already told her he loves her, and he doesn't know why she's mad at him. *sigh* Really?! Same things hes always asking me, basically! Soooooo, I said, "shes hurting because of our separation. She feels abandoned. It never hurts to tell someone you love them more than once! Just say it, even if she still acts mean, she'll have heard it". He replied that that was true & apparently texted her at work. He needs to say it in person, hug her IMO....but he has to find his own way. Text just seems so impersonal, but then thats how her told our son we'd separated too even though he lives 5 minutes away, so.... Anyway, I'm feeling utterly jealous & envious! What a loser! I'm jealous of ntt husband telling his daughter he loves her?! Not in a "don't love her" way, but in a "wow, that hurts... He doesn't love me & this conversation totally highlighted that" kind off way. What a crappy mother I feel like right now.
TailSpin75 Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 I feel you on this one. I tried (via text) a couple of weeks ago to tell STBX that the kids express some 'bitterness' when they speak to me about her. Told her I encouraged them to talk with her directly about their concerns. STBX tells me when she asks - they seem 'fine'. So I tell her - maybe they're just not so comfortable (girls are 7 and 13) 'letting out' to her. Suggested she put in the effort to... be inviting to conversation, criticism, and questions. STBX tells me I'm wrong... Frustrating trying to work with STBX's with kids - they change the dynamic of family and we do our best in the interest of this kids... but it's us that comes away hurt or frustrated. You're no loser FazedOut!!! We're just doing the best we can... 1
Author FazedOut Posted March 14, 2013 Author Posted March 14, 2013 Thank you. I even apologized to my daughter and explained what I was feeling & she totally " got it"..said, "I know, you just want him to love you too". Funny, seeks like the wound just keeps getting opened over & over, with no end in sight. He hasn't even filed yet, so I know I have a lot more waiting where that came from. Just wish I was a stronger person, emotionally. I am lucky though, I can't imagine having kids your age & trying to do this!! Tweens/Teens are hard enough all on their own. I guess all we can do it TRY to facilitate a goods relationship by not sabotaging their interactions & the rest is up to them to "fix" or foster. On a positive note, I was feeling really bad last night (have a kidney infection) & decided to watch old, sad music videos in bed (not recommended!)...and I seriously toyed with the thought of sending one to him (Don't know what You've Got till it's Gone by Cinderella). But I didn't!!! Cried myself to sleep instead. *whew!!*
TailSpin75 Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 My oldest is without a doubt my favorite person in the world. All parents say good things about their kids (as they should) - mine are truly wonderful, well behaved, and for the most part through this pretty even tempered. My oldest reminds me that 'none of this is your fault' and has told me on occasion that 'I know mom hurt you pretty bad'. I do my best when I'm with them, but like you wish I had more strength with my emotions. You mentioned losing 60 pounds through this. I'm 5'4" and weight 160 lbs - was in pretty good shape - athletic build. I dropped 40 lbs (25% my body weight) in the first 3 months; I'm still down... probably around 125 right now - still not eating much. So here's my explanation to people about my weight loss - when the 'love of your life' blindsides you with a divorce - it's soul crushing. So my soul weighed 40 pounds - yours... 60 pounds! 1
Author FazedOut Posted March 14, 2013 Author Posted March 14, 2013 (edited) My god!! You must be skin & bones!! Eat something. Lol I think my "soul" weighs another 30. Will anyone believe me if thats my excuse?! Thats a great line, though. Wow!! I'm glad your kids are good ones!! Mine are too & are both being very supportive in their own ways. They are adults so have their own lives, so my son isn't as wrapped up in it as our daughter (since he lives elsewhere), but he's close with both of us. Well, I blew it!! I guess it's been brewing since 1/3/13 when I last had any REAL relationship talk with my hubby. I texted him that I loved him & missed him. Just that. I blame feeling sick, the 1st anniversary of our family members death tomorrow, our son's 25 birthday this coming Sunday & all the" I love our daughter" texts this morning. Too late now. Not like it's news or anything, and I didn't beg or ask to get back together. Just stated it. He replied back, "it's nice to hear once in awhile". Wanted to reply " I wouldn't know, it's been since August,or before, that anyone's told ME that "(my kids never say it, sadly). But why? No point in it & I brought this hurt upon myself by saying it to begin with when hes clearly told me ILYBNILWY. It's great when you set yourself up for hurt. Guess it could have been worse: no response or "I know", right? *sigh* Edited March 14, 2013 by FazedOut
TailSpin75 Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 Even though my children are young - I am as firm as I can be with no contact - for reasons you know... it's too painful. STBXW has been 'kind' through all of this (as kind as one can be when destroying your life) but I don't trust myself to 'reach out'. As you know - it is extremely painful to seek something from the one you love and get rejected. Horrible cycle - people told me, but I still did what I felt I needed to do (so I understand your drive). I learned in my own time, I got burned too many times and decided I had had enough. For me - the 'healing' began when I committed to NC - I realized that I could only continue to hurt myself. I'm sorry Fazed - it DOES get better. I continue to minimize my risk of 'set backs' - where I once wanted her more than anything - I now want more than anything to heal completely. 2
Author FazedOut Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 I'm trying not to bring myself that hurt...just thick headed I guess. Or still in denial. I got my Divorce Remedy book today, I'd waited on it so long, with hope in my heart that I could change, we could be happy, show him how much I care, etc. But last weekend when I learned my Dad was in severe heart failure & seeing his blatant uncaring non reaction (my dad likes him more than anyone else, other than my younger brother), on top of my son sharing parts of a conversation they had had the week prior, wel,l something inside me broke. I do love him, miss him & wish for him to Love & comfort me, as I would him in the same situation...but I just don't think I have it in me to stand for the marriage anymore. If you told me that a month ago, I'd have said you were crazy. But I guess you can only hear so many people tell you that he's said he doesn't love you, nor want to be with you, before you"get it" & ,despite the humiliation, hurt & fear, realize theys REALLY DO want to go & you have to let them. I still hope he regrets it someday!! Not very nice, I know...but I know I was a good wife. Not perfect or anywhere close, but I loved him with my whole heart, faithfully, and sincerely wanted to have a happy, mutually enjoyable life. I know there must be lots of people who would find that "enough" for them. Too bad there's so many of us here who WILL make good relationships with someone again, after all we've learned, but our spouses can't believe it. Our current families won't reap the benefits because of that. That frustrates me. But, it is what it is & I can't change it. Not alone anyway. I've tried for months & made some good, honest changes for myself. But he won't see them. So, I dont know what else to do but throw in the towel & find my own way. Sheeit. This blows. Wish I had someplace to go. I'm going to find something by summer, if I can hold on that long. NC will be torture, but this living together weekends is AGONY! I used to count the days till he came back, now I dread it. Nothings changed..except perspective. Funny, that. Sorry, just thinking outloud, I suppose.
Author FazedOut Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 Today I tell him I love him & miss him...tonight he is texting someone to the tune of 300++ in the last few hours. I know now... I'm so done. What a bastard.
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