evondavis1 Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 I came to a realization today. I was dealing with a problem at work, and funny how I transferred those feelings and ideas into my problem. When my ex and I broke up, actually I had asked him to move out, he went down a whirlwind of depression and lonliness. We would see each other, fight, cry, hug, cry more....This happened for months after the break up. but you know what happened, the second I started to do NC, he flipped. I sent him emails, and texts and even told him in person that I cannot have contact with him, for my own healing process. This is when he lost control, married the rebound and got her pregnant. I get it now, and I really believe he did it to spite me, to somehow get back at me! I didn't believe it was possible, so many people told me that, I just couldn't grasp the fact someone would do such horrible things to the one they love. So my starting NC, somehow made him more pissed at me, and the more pissed he got at me, the more he wanted to hurt me! Does this make sense? I have been trying to figure it out for months and months. This is why he still continues to blame me, tell me that I f'd up his life, etc. Thanks for letting me vent, but when the fog lifts more and more each day, I can get more answers. We will never know. There is my version, his version and then the truth.
Author evondavis1 Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 He did it because he can't be alone So, he basically used this poor girl to fill in the gaps of his loneliness. That is a wonderful reason to get married. oh yeah, she is cool and doesn't fight with him.
ThatJustHappened Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 So, he basically used this poor girl to fill in the gaps of his loneliness. That is a wonderful reason to get married. oh yeah, she is cool and doesn't fight with him. Yet. She doesn't fight with him yet. She will eventually, unless she's a robot.
Lost Fish Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 evondavis1, I am a complete outsider here, and I know very little about your breakup. But to me it seems wildly ego-maniacal of you to assume that he fell in love, married, and got pregnant with another woman to get back at you. Whatever he does with his life should be inconsequential to you and has zero to do with your healing. It's like I tell myself when I'm in No Contact: "it doesn't matter if she's hooking up with a new guy, ten new guys, Brad Pitt, a homeless man, or a priest... all that matters right now is ME." What he does with his life has nothing to do with you, evondavis1. Start accepting that he is gone and his path is separate from yours, and start walking your own path and living your own life - for yourself. 4
flitzanu Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 evondavis1, I am a complete outsider here, and I know very little about your breakup. But to me it seems wildly ego-maniacal of you to assume that he fell in love, married, and got pregnant with another woman to get back at you. Whatever he does with his life should be inconsequential to you and has zero to do with your healing. It's like I tell myself when I'm in No Contact: "it doesn't matter if she's hooking up with a new guy, ten new guys, Brad Pitt, a homeless man, or a priest... all that matters right now is ME." What he does with his life has nothing to do with you, evondavis1. Start accepting that he is gone and his path is separate from yours, and start walking your own path and living your own life - for yourself. agreed. believing he did it out of spite is entirely overlooking the whole idea that maybe he actually wants to be with this other girl.
emmalynro Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 evondavis1, I am a complete outsider here, and I know very little about your breakup. But to me it seems wildly ego-maniacal of you to assume that he fell in love, married, and got pregnant with another woman to get back at you. Whatever he does with his life should be inconsequential to you and has zero to do with your healing. It's like I tell myself when I'm in No Contact: "it doesn't matter if she's hooking up with a new guy, ten new guys, Brad Pitt, a homeless man, or a priest... all that matters right now is ME." What he does with his life has nothing to do with you, evondavis1. Start accepting that he is gone and his path is separate from yours, and start walking your own path and living your own life - for yourself. This times a billion. You lost any claim on his happiness after you broke up. It's incredibly self-centered to assume he'd continue to live his life solely as a means of spiting you. Isn't it far more likely that he suffered, tried to heal, then fell in love again and moved on?
Author evondavis1 Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 This times a billion. You lost any claim on his happiness after you broke up. It's incredibly self-centered to assume he'd continue to live his life solely as a means of spiting you. Isn't it far more likely that he suffered, tried to heal, then fell in love again and moved on? Is it fair that he did this all within 6 weeks of our breakup? He met this girl a week after he left, then took off to Vegas and eloped. Not one word to his friends or family. Not one person even met her. Yet, while they were dating for the first 6 weeks, he was on the phone with me, coming over, talking about our relationship, crying, etc. The minute I found out he had met someone else, I began NC, for myself to heal. That is when he got mean, called me every name in the book, told me I suck as a mom, that I suck at life, that I need to be put in a mental institution....This is why I started NC, he was very verbally abusive, all the while he was already with someone. I am not being self centered at all. I am trying to figure out how a man, goes from a 7 year relationship, with a child, to marrying a complete stranger 6 weeks after he left. Don't forget, he left his son as well. I was 1000000% committed to him, our family, our son, out busines, our home. I kicked him out of the house because he was texting several ex girlfriends behind my back, and I am sorry, but I have a zero tolerance for that. We also owned a business together, which I have dissolved. I dissolved it when he was doing things behind my back, spending money, eloping in Vegas, lying, etc. He also has been texting me and continues to blame me for his life. That I chose this for him, that he would have stayed with me, that he is not happy. I didn't make him do any of this, he had a choice, and chose path b, which didn't include our son as well. So my point, yes, we broke up.....but to marry a complete stranger 6 weeks after the breakup??!!??!??
Minneloa Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 I'm sorry that you are hurting. Your situation sounds extremely unfair and painful. That said, I also believe that it is ultimately futile to try and figure out the motivations and thought processes of your ex. You will probably never understand him. What you do know is that he treated you very badly and tossed you aside. Whatever his reasons/justifications, the bottom line is that you are better off without him now. As difficult as it is, I think the mental and emotional energy of analyzing his motives is better spent on taking care of yourself and moving forward. Sending good thoughts. 2
flitzanu Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Is it fair that he did this all within 6 weeks of our breakup? He met this girl a week after he left, then took off to Vegas and eloped. Not one word to his friends or family. Not one person even met her. Yet, while they were dating for the first 6 weeks, he was on the phone with me, coming over, talking about our relationship, crying, etc. The minute I found out he had met someone else, I began NC, for myself to heal. That is when he got mean, called me every name in the book, told me I suck as a mom, that I suck at life, that I need to be put in a mental institution....This is why I started NC, he was very verbally abusive, all the while he was already with someone. I am not being self centered at all. I am trying to figure out how a man, goes from a 7 year relationship, with a child, to marrying a complete stranger 6 weeks after he left. Don't forget, he left his son as well. I was 1000000% committed to him, our family, our son, out busines, our home. I kicked him out of the house because he was texting several ex girlfriends behind my back, and I am sorry, but I have a zero tolerance for that. We also owned a business together, which I have dissolved. I dissolved it when he was doing things behind my back, spending money, eloping in Vegas, lying, etc. He also has been texting me and continues to blame me for his life. That I chose this for him, that he would have stayed with me, that he is not happy. I didn't make him do any of this, he had a choice, and chose path b, which didn't include our son as well. So my point, yes, we broke up.....but to marry a complete stranger 6 weeks after the breakup??!!??!?? it doesn't matter why he did, it only matters that HE DID. those are his actions and what you need to see.
KatZee Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 it doesn't matter why he did, it only matters that HE DID. those are his actions and what you need to see. Exactly. Who cares why he did what he did. And if he really did it to spite you? That's like cutting your own nose off to spite your face. He's the one who's f.ucked here. Not you. It's not your life that's going to be impacted from here on out. Let him continue screwing up his own life and making choices and "blaming you" for them. It's easier for him to do that than to face reality and realize he's the one who ruined the entire relationship. Block him and stop allowing him to have avenues to harass you further. You say he left you and your son. Is it safe to assume he has no contact with his son now? If so, keep it that way. It's better to have a child from a toxic environment, rather than have a child STILL IN a toxic environment. 1
Author evondavis1 Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 Thanks for the advice everyone. Sometimes I need a reality to slap my face, and say wake up! He is gone, he moved onto someone else, he doesn't care! Just part of my recovery, I guess.
Sugarkane Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 I find it bizarre that people are willing to marry strangers mere weeks after a breakup. Why? Where's this guys family? Why haven't they questioned his odd behavior? Good luck to you, atleast you haven't married a rebound!
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