who_am_i Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 At what point do you (or did you) decide that the degree of infidelity you're faced with is too much to consider reconciliation?
NotCamelot Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 I think that there is no specific answer to that. Each individual has their own threshold for that. 2
96nole Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 The second time I found out she was cheating. That morning I found she emailed pictures of herself to the OM. That afternoon I already had an appointment with a lawyer. That evening she was thrown out. Done. 6
SidLyon Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 At what point do you (or did you) decide that the degree of infidelity you're faced with is too much to consider reconciliation? Initially after d-day I pondered this question a lot. It's because I wasn't facing just a one night stand, or a single affair but significant infidelities over many years. Before d-day I would have said any one of these was a deal breaker for me. We are now more than 4 years past d-day and have successfully reconciled and built a new marriage. My fWH has changed his behaviours completely. So my answer to your question is that it isn't really the "degree of infidelity" that's the determining factor in the WS, but the willingness of the WS to do everything possible to reconcile. This includes doing all the things recommended to reconcile, and keeping those reconciliation behaviours up for the long term. Of course it also requires the BS to be willing to reconcile too, but in my view this is more dependent on the innate characteristics/personality of the BS rather than the degree of infidelity of the WS. In other words if you can "overcome" or "come to grips with" (and all that entails) a small infidelity, then perhaps you can also overcome a significant degree of infidelity. 4
AnotherRound Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Great question! I knew the second my exH looked in my face and straight face lied to me. I could have MAYBE gotten past the affair, the damage to the marriage and our relationship that led him to choose an affair - But I knew that I could never be with someone who looked me right in the eyes and lied to me like that. 1
underwater2010 Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 For me too much would be a second affair. If he was able to have another after seeing how broke down I became, then he is not worthy of having me. 2
waterwoman Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Agree with underwater. Two strikes and you're out. Once night be an error of judgment, twice is a life-style choice seriously, if he could do this again after witnessing what I went through, he'd not be worth another moment of my time or another tear. 3
road Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 There is never too much. Because there will always a way to find out that it could of been worse no matter how bad the affair was. That is logic that is used by the BS that does not want a divorce. Now for some BS, an EA is too much. So they go straight to court for a divorce. What is too much is not a universal measurable criteria. Rather an emotional criteria that is only based on what is right for each individual.
BetrayedH Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Initially after d-day I pondered this question a lot. It's because I wasn't facing just a one night stand, or a single affair but significant infidelities over many years. Before d-day I would have said any one of these was a deal breaker for me. We are now more than 4 years past d-day and have successfully reconciled and built a new marriage. My fWH has changed his behaviours completely. So my answer to your question is that it isn't really the "degree of infidelity" that's the determining factor in the WS, but the willingness of the WS to do everything possible to reconcile. This includes doing all the things recommended to reconcile, and keeping those reconciliation behaviours up for the long term. Of course it also requires the BS to be willing to reconcile too, but in my view this is more dependent on the innate characteristics/personality of the BS rather than the degree of infidelity of the WS. In other words if you can "overcome" or "come to grips with" (and all that entails) a small infidelity, then perhaps you can also overcome a significant degree of infidelity. This is a good post and worth reading twice. My wife's affair was pretty over-the-top. But I could have forgiven her if she had been truly remorseful and willing to change. She wasn't but she faked it for a while (damage control, mostly). Give yourself time to determine which scenario is yours.
SmokeRat Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Similar situation to BH's. My wife's affair was overly romanticized in her mind, and the drama she brought down on herself was incredible. I forgave and tried to forget her 2.5year long affair, after giving many chances. Looking back on that now, in the process of divorce, I will not tolerate it anymore. Moving forward, if future partners cheat, they are out on their ass. 2
96nole Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Similar situation to BH's. My wife's affair was overly romanticized in her mind, and the drama she brought down on herself was incredible. I forgave and tried to forget her 2.5year long affair, after giving many chances. Looking back on that now, in the process of divorce, I will not tolerate it anymore. Moving forward, if future partners cheat, they are out on their ass. I also gave my ex a second change. Never again. Going forward I'll have a "one and done" attitude as well. All future partners will know I will not tolerate it.
Author who_am_i Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 (edited) I understand that each situation & individual is different, road & NotCamelot...but that's what I'm trying to understand. What has made others in their unique situations chose to stay or go? Edited March 13, 2013 by who_am_i
Ninja'sHusband Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 After I got it that she had lied to me for 3 months of therapy about the scope of the affair, and after 6 months of attempted reconciliation she still wouldn't go no contact. All she was willing to do was call me after class to reassure me, but I now knew that she had lied about even going to class before sooo no, she needed to go NC completely. She couldn't give me two of the most basic affair recovery things...truth and NC. Actually, it's true the threshold thing for each individual. The real thing that snapped within me was when I realized how obsessed I was and that even though I was faking being ok at home I was a mess at work and would eventually get fired. Sure I could get another job...but the problem was my coping, not the job. I'd just get fired again. So I realized I could no longer support a family and be with my wife who wouldn't go NC. That was the thing inside me that made me snap, all the factors in the first paragraph pushed me toward that breaking point.
todreaminblue Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 At what point do you (or did you) decide that the degree of infidelity you're faced with is too much to consider reconciliation? Like one of the posters on here it wasnt just an affair that broke up my relationship but a series of infidelities that i stayed through and went through the deceit the betrayal and complete lack of trust....the only difference is iknow once lack of trust is there and doubt to feed that lack of trust, it is never going to be the same....reconciliation is out...once is a mistake....twice.......is a decision to follow the first...and the second....and the third........deb
Author who_am_i Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 The reason for me asking this question has nothing to do with getting a MM's BS to leave him forever. I'm asking because I am genuinely interested in an honest answer to a question that has been asking myself for several weeks...zero malice intended. I, like so many, am trying to grasp an understanding of my situation. Hearing honest replies from others who have been there is helpful and therapeutic. If I in some way have offended you with with my question, i apologize. It was my assumption that this is what this forum was for.
nofool4u Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 At what point do you (or did you) decide that the degree of infidelity you're faced with is too much to consider reconciliation? Like NotCamelot said, every person is different. For me its one strike and they are out. Will never trust them again and certainly don't want to reconcile with a cheater, whether its physical cheating or emotional. 1
SoleMate Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 who_am_i, I've read your story and am very sorry for everything you've suffered. You're beating yourself up for betraying exMM by telling his wife (which you did without much thought, while lashing out at MM and heedless of the consequences). As long as you gave her truth, without deliberate intent to wound her, I don't think you were wrong at all. In fact, I would identify your outing of the A as one of the most positive things you have done, It must feel strange that your vengeful impulse led to something good...which is truth and clarity for that troubled couple (whether they can benefit or not), and more importantly for this thread, the good result of reducing the chance that exMM will disrupt your NC. I'd like you to consider something if you're willing: Whether you find that focus on the BW and her motivations is at all helpful to you in healing and moving on. Like many other exOW, you have a strong focus on her and her choices. Just a thought...do you put focus there, to avoid putting it elsewhere? Where best might you focus, to help yourself? 2
Author who_am_i Posted March 16, 2013 Author Posted March 16, 2013 I'd like you to consider something if you're willing: Whether you find that focus on the BW and her motivations is at all helpful to you in healing and moving on. Like many other exOW, you have a strong focus on her and her choices. Just a thought...do you put focus there, to avoid putting it elsewhere? Where best might you focus, to help yourself? I think I focus on her because she chose to stay and I assumed (based on what I was told about her) she wouldn't. I am the reason her world will never be the same. Regardless of my impression of her, she did not deserve this. I just want to understand her perspective...and the insight I get from others who have been there helps me. I'm learning that for her to stay she must really love him. And why should I find that so crazy? I of all people know how easy he is to love! I try to say this to myself... I want to believe that the relationship we had was special and the things he said to me were honest and true. In order to believe that, I must then believe that everything he said to me under every circumstance was true...including his feelings about her, his desire to stay with his family, etc. I feel like it keeps my head from going too crazy with too many questions. Truth is, I wonder how she could still want to be with him. I know that their relationship is absolutely none of my business. I wish I could take all the pain I've caused her (and him) away. When you love someone you don't treat them the way I've treated him. If I were ever given an opportunity to speak to him again, that's what I'd say. Not I love you or I miss you or I want you back. I'd just say...I was wrong and I'm sorry.
Steadfast Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 I just want to understand her perspective...and the insight I get from others who have been there helps me. I'm learning that for her to stay she must really love him. And why should I find that so crazy? I of all people know how easy he is to love! In my opinion, your understanding would deepen if you realized the above statement is an insult to not just faithful men, but faithful people everywhere. I'm not trying to be overly crass, but when you were screwing him, you were screwing his wife and children too. Your feelings for him don't play into that one bit; it was his choice to step outside the marriage for sex and companionship. You can't even begin to understand his wife. You aren't the mother of his children. You hurt her, but only as a participant. Her heart was his to protect. Her innocence was his to protect. Not yours. Not loveable. Sorry. I want to believe that the relationship we had was special and the things he said to me were honest and true. Believing that trades away true understanding for a measure of falsely earned dignity. You and your married boyfriend were enjoying the clear blue water and warm sunshine of happiness while standing on her shoulders; keeping her under to drown in betrayal. Love never comes at the expense of someone else. That's false love. Evil. You owe her an apology, but you can't pay what he owes. I'm not sure anyone can. 3
Author who_am_i Posted March 16, 2013 Author Posted March 16, 2013 For the love of God! What is it with you people? I've poured out my heart here with a the intent of finding closure. It should be very clear that I am tortured over who I've become through all this and what I've done. It blows my mind that there are people who get off though other peoples suffering. I thought by joining here and telling my story I would find comfort in some strange way with others who were also hurting. I'm sorry if my words don't come out the way you wish to hear them! If you go back to my original question...it was just that, a question. I don't require your lectures and I don't intend to sit here while you spit nails in my direction for your own benefit. Some of you are clearly on the opposite end of this scenario...I get that. But I've never once said if you weren't such a down right nasty person maybe they wouldn't have cheated...have I? I am miserable over what I've done which is more then I could say for some. My experience here has been awful! It's so sad that grown people need to come to a place like this and bully those who already feel bad about themselves. It's pathetic! You hide behind false identities and your self righteousness. You know who you are, and you should be ashamed! Thank you to the few of you who have left kind words for me. I think my time here is over. I've beaten myself up enough over the past few weeks...I don't need any more help with that. 1
Decorative Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 You aren't being bullied. You're being told a painful reality. And the sooner you accept it- the faster you will heal. This isn't the issue of the posters here. It's a you issue- and how hard it is to hear. Peace be with you. 1
Author who_am_i Posted March 16, 2013 Author Posted March 16, 2013 You aren't being bullied. You're being told a painful reality. And the sooner you accept it- the faster you will heal. This isn't the issue of the posters here. It's a you issue- and how hard it is to hear. Peace be with you. It most certainly is! I never once said..."Here's my situation. What do all of you who have never been in my shoes think about me? Please judge me on how I've handled my life." But for some reason...that's exactly what they read. It's exhausting!
Decorative Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 It most certainly is! I never once said..."Here's my situation. What do all of you who have never been in my shoes think about me? Please judge me on how I've handled my life." But for some reason...that's exactly what they read. It's exhausting! You asked betrayed spouses why they stayed. You received answers you did not care for. You seem to think you owe your exMM some sort of apology for telling the truth. And you think you are being bullied because people are explaining to you how your choices hurt an innocent person. You are not being bullied. The truth is painful. I am so very sorry your ex married man lied to you. I am sorry that your choice to be involved with him hurt you, and hurt his betrayed wife. Everybody judges. never trust someone who claims that they don't judge. We all do it. Every day. It's how we navigate the world, decide right from wrong, and make decisions. You are not being judged as a bad person. People are looking at your situation and seeing a series of bad choices that resulted in great personal pain for you, and for his wife. Yours was a result of your choices, hers was not. But there is much understanding and support to be had here- if you step back, take a breath, and see what people are trying to tell you. 4
Steadfast Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 It most certainly is! I never once said..."Here's my situation. What do all of you who have never been in my shoes think about me? Please judge me on how I've handled my life." But for some reason...that's exactly what they read. It's exhausting! Typical reaction. Deep down, you know it's true. That's why you hate it. If, however, your goal is to come out of this situation a stronger, wiser person, than you must face the reality of what you've been a part of. Look at it this way; pain is a natural byproduct when righting a wrong. Whether it be dental work, getting back into shape or setting a fractured soul. Those afraid of the pain will embrace the status quo, then seek others to encourage their weak "I'm ok you're ok" mindset. It's supposed to hurt. It has to hurt. I gain no joy from that. I see no joy in any of this. Understanding and peace come at a price. Only you can decide to pay it.
BetrayedH Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 I can tell you that as a betrayed spouse, I was torn apart here by other betrayed spouses for trying to reconcile with my wayward wife. I was called a cuckold and a doormat amongst other endearing terms. It was pretty astonishing to me. But given time, I found that there are many ways to support someone. I'm not a big fan of the name-calling myself but I learned that telling me what I wanted to hear wasn't always what I needed to hear. Over the two years that I've been here, I've seen a sort of "fog" that encompasses all three corners of the triangle after a Dday. There are BSs that are in denial about what's happened; there are waywards that are blinded to their loving spouse by the addiction of the affair; there are "others" that believe their AP is locked in chains by the BS after their AP throws them under the proverbial bus. People here want you to snap out o that fog and see reality for what it is. Calling a foggy person out on distractions is a form of support. Listen to everything. Take what works for you and leave the rest. I guarantee you that the vast majority of BSs have little interest in bashing you. 2
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