whichwayisup Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 A friend of mine had shared doggy custody with her ex. They both loved the dog and decided to go that route. 2 weeks with one, 2 weeks with the other back and forth. Consider it but just know that this will tie you to her for the next many years....
Author SmokeRat Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 No kids at all, so I haven't to worry about that. I've never been one to rebound from someone. My first serious relationship lasted 3 years, and broke off in a brutal way. Three weeks later I had found someone else, and we spent 3 years of our life together as well, before she had to move away for her career. We're still great friends and there were no hard feeling as well. When I'm out a relationship with someone, I am able to logically break down why I should be with someone else. Now, this was my marriage. It's harder to do this, because of the emotions and time involved. I feel guilty for flirting with the waiting girls at my favorite restaurant, even though I'm seperated. It's an illogical feeling of guilt, because I still feel connected to my wife. Even though she's gone outside the marriage for the past 2.5 years, without an ounce of guilt until I brought the entire thing down in a fiery mess. Once the seperation is final, I'll dip my toes into the world of dating. I believe I have a lot to offer someone out there.
Tulsy Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 ...She said that she can, once we finalize the paper work with her, skip the courts and do everything through their agency for $1,720.00, taxes and everything all in. Which I figure is a great price. ..... You said you're in "Canuck-land"...you don't need to spend $1700 to get divorced, especially since you guys are so "buddy-buddy" with each other. You can make your own separation agreement, sign 2 copies of it in front of a single witness, and after 1 yr of separation (which for you was November), you simple go to court and fill out the paperwork. 2 weeks after that day, you are legally divorced and bound only by the separation agreement terms. And the appearance in "court" isn't really in front of a judge, it's just filling out the paperwork and handing it in at the court house. If you return after the 2 weeks, you can get a certificate of divorce from the same court, which is necessary should you ever decide to get married again...the cert. only costs $19. I was divorced in ONT 2 yrs ago, cost very little because we were on decent enough terms that we could sign in each others presence.
Author SmokeRat Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 Not even sure how to start that process to be honest. We've discussed our terms with eachother, such as we split our combined finances 50/50 and we've already sorted out who gets what. I suppose I can speak to the paralegal about that as well. I just want to avoid the paperwork and having to take time off work, I'm willing to split a $1700.00 tab with my wife, if someone else deals with the stress and whatnot. But it's something I will look into.
HopingAgain Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 I hope you don't take this as me minimizing your pain, but I am so glad after reading your story that you don't have kids with this woman. It will make it SO much easier for you to move forward with the divorce and life in general afterwards, seriously you have no idea how much. I know it hurts now, but once you start to heal and get on with the business of living YOUR lide again there is so much happiness in store for you! Definitely be excited for the future and what it will bring, you deserve happiness!
Author SmokeRat Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 And I appreciate your concerns! No kids, just a dog that we both love unconditionally. But ultimately in my mind, it is a dog, and I'm not going fight over her. Set the appointment with the Paralegal for 9am tomorrow morning, so hopefully it all goes well. Seems to be a very simple process, as they do all the paper work and simply take down the circumstances and information. After that, we pay the people and they process everything. I'm sad that this is the reality, that this is really happening and shortly I'll be without my wife (officially). I think tonights dinner together is going to be somber one. 2
TheOW Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 (edited) I know you probably won't appreciate my input on this as I was the WS and the OW to the MM But I think you have made the right choice, I didn't love my husband like "a lover" I did love him but I wasn't physically attracted to him nor "in love" with him. I tried and tried to pretend otherwise I thought having children would make things easier and I would begin to have those feelings back for him .. You guessed it - it never worked! Why did I stay ? I ask myself all the time, but in all honesty I did not want to hurt him I knew he idolised me so I lied to myself and him that everything was ok. He done everything for me, supported me financially and emotionally a true gentleman. This I knew but it still wasn't enough to make me love him anymore I just grew out of love for him. Then I met MM and he was an escape from reality he made me happy and things became almost bearable back home. Did I consider my H feelings while I was having sex with another woman's H .. I'm ashamed to say no I never I was so much in lust for this man he made my life enjoyable once more and I felt the happiest I had been in years. Selfish selfish selfish D-day: My husband wanted to reconcile but I knew in my heart it wasn't what I wanted, it wasn't what I wanted for a long time. I know I should never have betrayed him this way I should have had the courage to tell him the truth, that I no longer was in love with him and we should separate. But I never and now my own family as well as MM family are in tatters. I'm the goldigger, the Scarlett woman, the slut, the home wrecker you name it I'm being called it behind and to my face. But I do know that I brought it on myself and I can't blame anyone for that other than myself. I just wish I didn't hurt so many people in the process Edited March 13, 2013 by TheOW
Author SmokeRat Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 While I have little respect for you, regarding your stance as the OW and WS, I do respect the fact that you took time out of your day to post in this thread. Luckily, there are no children involved. Only a little dog, that will get a loving home with either my wife or I. My wife was very much physically attracted to me, but had no desire for sex, until she met the MOM. But only with him, not with me. I ensured to ruin the OM's life and I did, his daughter is under psych watch for her suicide attempts, his eldest son lost his chance to get onto the Fire Department I serve with, and his wife has him under lock and key. But regardless of that, he still have his family and they will recover. I'm losing my family, my wife and everything I worked hard for. Thank you for taking the time to write, I see that my wife shares similar traits. I did everything for my wife, physically, emotionally and financially. But it wasn't enough, I was tossed aside for an older married man with children. Such is life.
96nole Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 I ensured to ruin the OM's life and I did, his daughter is under psych watch for her suicide attempts, his eldest son lost his chance to get onto the Fire Department I serve with, and his wife has him under lock and key. But regardless of that, he still have his family and they will recover. I'm losing my family, my wife and everything I worked hard for. Don't be so sure they will recover. Sounds like a bit of hell over there. Right now you sound very much like I did last year. This time last year I had recently thrown my ex out. Divorce was proceeding. I knew I was going to lose my house. A house I was proud of. Did a lot of work and improvement to. I was going to lose half of my savings. Losing my wife. Fast forward a year later: I signed the house over to the ex. I no longer have to worry about house issues. I'm in my own apartment. A nice one also. I no longer have a lying, cheating, bitch for a wife. Nobody complaining about everything under the sun. She also had health issues....not my problem anymore. There are several nights a week I'm sitting in my recliner watching TV, my cat on my lap, and I think "this ain't bad at all." So many worries and problems are gone now, because she is gone. The divorce was finalized last May. I'll admit, it was hard for a while. But the past month I've been really feeling better about everything. I noticed the other day I hardly even thought of the ex. Perhaps it was because I spent it with a very pretty woman. This time last year, the thought of never seeing, talking, or being around my ex horrified me. NOW: The thought of ever seeing, talking, or being around my ex horrifies me Stop thinking that you are losing. Start thinking that you are getting rid of the trash. A future with your STBX would be miserable at best. Don't do the joint custody of the dog. Either you take it or she takes it. You're going to have to completely cut ties with her for a while in order for you to be able to truly move on. Then you'll be able build new and better. 4
RainDown Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 I understand your dilemma, but the flip side is that I, a single woman, wouldn't have anything to do with a man who is still living with his wife, "separated" or not. I'd even have to think hard and long about getting involved with a man who is in the process of divorce, even if he's living in his own place. You might find that many women feel this way, even if you feel ready to start dating again. I didn't use to care about such things (Lord knows I've taken up with more than a few married men in my time), but I was not a very wise or careful person at that time. Now, I don't get involved with anyone even remotely attached to someone else, or very recently broken up. There are many issues in situations like that and I'd rather not deal with it.
2sunny Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 I will end up waiting until I have moved out of our current residence and aquired my own, I know that much. As for the 'having fun' sort of thing. I'm not opposed to it, however, I've never been one to play the field heavily. I've casually dated here and there, but I'm at a point in my life (and career), that I want to share the time with someone. Prior to my wife, I always had great radar for people who were of an 'interesting' ilk. My wife somehow flew under that radar and caught me. I'm going to have to tweak the radar slightly to make sure that doesn't happen again. As I have previously prided myself in picking good people out. I do not believe I ask for much in a partner: - ferocious loyalty - honesty - and passion Everything else can be worked on, I'm not even one of those guys who has a 'type', if I find someone stimulating then I can work around everything else, but the above points I cannot negotiate on and will not overlook in the future. I'm 28 and it is unacceptable for me to just resign myself to passionless marriage. I'll stick firm on the idea that physical relations shouldn't be a chore, should happen often and should be passionate. Those are good qualities to look for in a gal. Unfortunately your Wife showed all the signs of not having those traits - yet you chose to marry her anyway. She didn't respect you - because that's how she acted (disrespectful) and yet you stayed. So you rewarded her bad behavior - then she got the idea that you were ok with it all. You need counseling to determine how to change your rescuing behavior and boundaries so that the next woman who comes along doesn't disrespect you as well. You have a chance to grow and learn from this - I hope you will. Have you also informed her OM's wife? She deserves to know what has happened with your W cheating with her H and that now you two plan to divorce. This is you being honest with someone who needs to know what her H has been up to - and will likely continue since you're divorcing. I think she's not "in love" with you because she still intends to cheat with her OM - or has still been cheating. Anyway, best you let to of the gal that never intended to be honest - the one that's constantly dragged you down. Look out for YOUR best interest. And stop giving her back rubs - she can go to a physical therapist for that!
2sunny Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 While I have little respect for you, regarding your stance as the OW and WS, I do respect the fact that you took time out of your day to post in this thread. Luckily, there are no children involved. Only a little dog, that will get a loving home with either my wife or I. My wife was very much physically attracted to me, but had no desire for sex, until she met the MOM. But only with him, not with me. I ensured to ruin the OM's life and I did, his daughter is under psych watch for her suicide attempts, his eldest son lost his chance to get onto the Fire Department I serve with, and his wife has him under lock and key. But regardless of that, he still have his family and they will recover. I'm losing my family, my wife and everything I worked hard for. Thank you for taking the time to write, I see that my wife shares similar traits. I did everything for my wife, physically, emotionally and financially. But it wasn't enough, I was tossed aside for an older married man with children. Such is life. Since you stated you have little respect for this WS/OW - does that mean you also have little respect for your W too? She essentially did the same - or even worse maybe...?
nofool4u Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 While I understand that she could be construed as a classless pig, I cannot bring myself to think of her that way. Whatever trips your trigger. Point is, don't lower yourself to her level. Be completely done with her in every way, THEN go out and enjoy life.
Author SmokeRat Posted March 14, 2013 Author Posted March 14, 2013 Well, my wife and I signed the papers with the Paralegal this morning. She was a complete wreck while signing as well, and the paralegal was so happy that we were doing this amicably. She told us a few horror stories of people coming in trying to file for Joint Divorce when things were not nice between them. I stayed with my wife for about an hour afterwards and took her to Starbucks and then back to the house for a bit of down time. I know she deserves every negative, resentful emotion I could possibly have towards her, and no one would fault for those things. But to be honest, I just feel a deep hollow sadness, and I almost pity her. I see how much pain she actually is in now, and she knows now what her decisions cost her and us. I can't hate or be deeply angry at her anymore, those weights are off my shoulders. Although, if the OM ever steps within 100 yards of our Fire Dept, there are going to be a lot of PO'd burly men and woman more than happy to drag him around for a bit. My wife is suffering, and I never wanted to see that. Now I know, she brought it on herself, but I still have empathy for her. Maybe too much for my situation, as even the Paralegal was taken back by how little I want from the divorce. The house? Nope, she can have it, buy out my equity of what it would sell for and I'll be on my way. The furniture? Why, the couch you banged him on, no thank you, keep it. Misc. items? Nope, all I need are my computers, a few odds and ends that support said computers, the kick ass gym I installed in the basement and the three safes of comic books I have locked to the basement floor. Everyone else she has agreed to purchase off me. So I can turn a little profit at the end of all this. She knows we are finished, and it just made it real to her when we signed the papers. But, we'll probably be living together until June/July, as she'll need to make sure she's teaching full time again to purchase the house from me. If she isn't come June/July, then we'll list the house and have to spend another 2-3 months together until it sells. It's not an ideal situation by any means, but I have come to terms with what our relationship is/was. And that is a was complete and total lie from the start. Knowing that, I can move forward with a clear head, knowing what I want in another partner. Until then, I still continue to care for my wife when she is sick, or feeling like crap. I can comfort her as a friends comforts. We both know that no physical spark can come back, as she dislikes sex and I cannot stand to see her that way anymore. Crappy situation, with a silver lining somewhere or another at the end of all this.
2sunny Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 Good job moving forward. What have you done/learned about yourself- to insure that you won't choose another woman that needs to be rescued?
Sarabi Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 I just hope the next girl I end up with understands and respects the 'White Knight' that permeates my character. My father tells me that we are a dying breed, and it's important that we keep this kind of behavior alive as long as possible. He, while extremely strict, is an incredible empathetic man who will go out of his way to help anyone. Opening doors for all people, giving people his coat in the winter to keep them warm, and offering an umbrella while walking in the rain, are simply physical 'ticks' to him. And he brought me up the same. If I may say so, for what its worth, your parents did well I am so sorry to hear about your separation but...you deserve better and your stbxw doesn't know how lucky she is. Sorry you had to hurt and it had to come to this but I honestly hope someone as lovely sounding as you gets a woman who is truly appreciative of the love, care, attention and commitment you are prepared to give her. Good luck white knight...your future maiden will truly be a lucky lady 1
Author SmokeRat Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 I do not believe I will ever kick the 'White Knight' personality I have, it's integral to the job that I do. I do not mind 'rescuing people', it's something that at the core of my being, I need to do. But I believe there is a difference from 'rescuing' someone compared to 'constantly rescuing someone that keeps running back into the same burning building you just removed them from'. The second being what my STBXW kept doing. It was exhausting but I'd never stop running back into that building and dragging her out by her feet =p. My parents are greiving so heavily right now, and that bothers me. For my father to be visibly upset, is something hard for him because he's always had a stone face when it comes to his emotions. They know the odds are against me, to find someone who truely appreciates chilvary, honour and old fashioned manners. Mainly with the way society sees and deals with relationships now, and that's something that weighs heavy on my father's shoulders. He told me last night that since this is all going on, if he would have been better just raising me to be a (as he calls them) 'common rabble' sort of person. He's not great with words, so what he means if just another self centered, out for themselves, cut throat individual that coasts through life. In his mind, he helped to create this old fashioned individual that just doesn't fit in with societies common views on how things should work. They worry the next girl will just take advantage of my behavior, but I've told them it's not for them to worry about. But I haven't really put in a lot of thought as to curb my personality. Call me naive, but I just want to stay the way I am, because it compliments my lifestyle and career. I just have to hope that the next woman that comes along can be trusted and values someone willing to rescue them first from a burning building. Ha.
Decorative Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 It is awesome to be concerned with helping other people. But truly emotionally healthy people don't need rescuing. So you may want to think long and hard about that, and when looking for your next partner, remember that if she's worthy to be your partner, she will not need rescuing at all. And you can focus the white knight qualities on your job, on volunteer work, in other avenues. And I think you'll find a greater happiness in that than you'll ever find in needing to rescue your spouse.
Author SmokeRat Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 I suppose what I need in a relationship in terms of rescuing, is (and this is cliche), if my partners get the flu or a cold, that she wants me there by her side to comfort her, fetch her soup and all that. I emotionally and physically need to be needed from time to time. That's why I'm great at my career. Every call I respond to, someone needs me for something and there is always someone to help. Maybe it is a dependancy thing. I can say this for sure, I will not get involved with someone who cannot take care of themselves 100%. I will be honoured if someone wants me to take care of them, but when I am away, I need to know that they will care for themselves and not have someone else fill my shoes. 1
2sunny Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 Read co dependent no more by Melody Beattie. That may help you get some balance to your perspective.
nofool4u Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 I can't hate or be deeply angry at her anymore, those weights are off my shoulders. Although, if the OM ever steps within 100 yards of our Fire Dept, there are going to be a lot of PO'd burly men and woman more than happy to drag him around for a bit. So why such hatred for the OM from you and all of them, but not for your wife? Don't get me wrong, anger at the OM is definitely justified, but it should be no more so than for your wife. Although OM is involved in causing you pain, your wife is DIRECTLY responsible for screwing you over. It just doesn't make sense to me to feel sorry for your wife, and anger for the OM. There should be anger for both. And if there isn't any for the wife, then the OM shouldn't consume your thoughts at all. Everyone else she has agreed to purchase off me. So I can turn a little profit at the end of all this. And you will get your life back on track in no time.
2sunny Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 SmokeRat - In a different thread you stated that your W took her affair under ground after you caught them... What was she doing behind your back? How did you find out?
Silveron Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 I can somehow relate to how the OP is feeling. I was engaged and living with my fiancee (at the time) for about 5 years when she cheated and left me for my best friend. BTW, I remeber you saying you are a fire-fighter, what's ironic is that this is the friend I ran into his burning house for to drag his rottweiler out and give him CPR. Anyway, I didn't date for a year because I knew I was going to compare my ex to the new woman. That wouldn't be fair for me or the other person. When I did start having sex again it was just that.. just sex. At that time I did not respect women since all the women I met wanted sex right away and that my ex hurt me really bad. When having sex part of me was doing it for the revenge on how I was hurt but then part of me did feel guilty because it should have been with someone that was special to me. The sex wasn't as exciting as I thought, left me with a very hollow feeling. After about the tenth woman I just stopped, there was no point in doing what I was doing. It wasn't until I met my now wife that things changed with me. We didn't do anything for almost the first year and we had a very strong friendship and foundation at the time. I think once you sell the house and you two are out on your own that you will be facing a bigger reality than what you are facing now.
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