SmokeRat Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 It's been, three days now since the seperation/divorce outcome has come to be a reality. We're still living in the same house, which of course complicates emotions, but the money isn't there just yet in terms of getting my own place. As this entire process is becoming more a reality, I find myself becoming scared and yet excited by the prospect of being single again. In the past, my wife has withheld sexual relations to a period of up to 4-5 months at a time, simply because she could. Now that we are no longer a couple, and there is absolutely no chance of us having relations (beyond her rubbing my back after a crappy day at work and vice versa), I'm finding a reawakening of my sexuality. I know it is probably emotionally silly for me to get back out there, fresh off what has happened. But I'm not sure I can wait another 4-6 months (the average time a divorce takes here) and remain a monk. Considering my STBXW took it upon herself to taste other dishes while married to me. Now, I have excellent self control and doubt I would act upon any of this. If I was going to act upon anything, I'm sure I would have done it after having been cheated on for 2.5 years. But even thinking about going out and sleeping with another woman, everything with my current situation, racks me with guilt that I'm betraying my marriage. Silly? Just looking for input and maybe what a few of you did to handle a similar situation. Currently going on 2 months now without lovings
NotCamelot Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 It's not silly to feel guilty. You still and will have some feelings for your stbXW for a while. I feel that if you ever truly love someone, you always will care for them in some way. It's probably best to let things develop naturally. Forcing it may lead to regretful experiences.
BetrayedH Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Personally, I think it's ridiculous for you to feel guilty. Honorable thing to do? Absolutely. Necessary or something to feel guilty about if you don't achieve it? Don't be ridiculous. If you want to have sex, make sure you're legally separated so it doesn't bite you in the ass. As well, be careful with yourself and the woman you choose. Your ego has suffered a severe blow and so you are very susceptible to external validation right now. Not a smart idea to get too attached, right? As well, even though you might just want sex right now, it appears women sometimes develop feelings and might not care for being used. Be respectful. 4
road Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 If you have been on infidelity forums for a long time you would know that you do not date till you are divorced. I do not have the time to point out all the problems that can arise from the BS sinkng to the WS's level.
Author SmokeRat Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 Well considering it will take another 2-3 months to get the house ready and sold, it looks like I'll have to wait that long to get some 'external validation'. Should put me around 5-7 month mark of no lovings, which in our relationship, was normal =p. @Road; since we are seperated (not legally yet), how would me going off and finding another woman to bed with, sink me to the level of the WS? My wife has made it perfectly clear that she wants to continue to live with me while we sell the house, but she does not want any sexual contact besides backrubs now and again. 1
BetrayedH Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 (edited) Some would say to wait a year after you are divorced before you start dating (that's probably the optimum scenario and conventional wisdom on the subject). Others would say to wait until you are officially divorced. And others would say that once the end of the marriage was known and decided upon by both parties, it's perfectly ok to exercise your options. Personally, I wouldn't remotely equate you dating after divorce was decided to what your wife did. You aren't lying to her and wasting her life while she stays committed to you. You've released her from her end of the bargain. Apples and Oranges. Still, it's wise to CYA and to get yourself balanced before involving another woman in your life. But, for the record, I didn't practice what I'm preaching here and life didn't come to an end when I started dating after my WW and I separated and she had filed for D. If any harm came from it, it's that my wife's feelings were hurt at how quickly I moved on with someone else. Go figure. Gosh, I feel just awful for that. Edited March 13, 2013 by BetrayedH 1
Author SmokeRat Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 It's comforting when you post BH, same with everyone else, I've come to read all your posts with a sense of calm. Knowing other people have been there and support my thought process. It's backward logic, but even though we are 'seperated', the idea of me saying to my STBXW that I may have an attraction to other woman, and would want to explore that attraction, gives me stomach pains. Maybe I'm projecting myself on her, and see what that would do to me if she said that. I'm not sure how she would react, but I remember after I first caught her getting railed by the OM, I told her that maybe I should have an affair. She just told me that she doesn't care and just doesn't want to hear or see it. That struck me as odd, who wouldn't want to know if they were being cheated on? There are days that I'll call and just chew my mother and father out for raising me with these archaic ethos about chivalry and whatnot. Constantly keeping the moral highground is exhausting, but I promised my wife for better or worse, until death due us part. For me, the death part is when we physically seperate from our house. Until then, as I've told my wife, I am bound to care for you and do everything I can to make this a positive environment we live in. When in the back of my mind, I'm screaming and yelling for some kind of release from this bond. I just hope the next girl I ended up with understands and respects the 'White Knight' that permeates my character. My father tells me that we are a dying breed, and it's important that we keep this kind of behavior alive as long as possible. He, while extremely strict, is an incredible empathetic man who will go out of his way to help anyone. Opening doors for all people, giving people his coat in the winter to keep them warm, and offering an umbrella while walking in the rain, are simply physical 'ticks' to him. And he brought me up the same. 1
BetrayedH Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 (edited) It's comforting when you post BH, same with everyone else, I've come to read all your posts with a sense of calm. Knowing other people have been there and support my thought process. It's backward logic, but even though we are 'seperated', the idea of me saying to my STBXW that I may have an attraction to other woman, and would want to explore that attraction, gives me stomach pains. Maybe I'm projecting myself on her, and see what that would do to me if she said that. I'm not sure how she would react, but I remember after I first caught her getting railed by the OM, I told her that maybe I should have an affair. She just told me that she doesn't care and just doesn't want to hear or see it. That struck me as odd, who wouldn't want to know if they were being cheated on? There are days that I'll call and just chew my mother and father out for raising me with these archaic ethos about chivalry and whatnot. Constantly keeping the moral highground is exhausting, but I promised my wife for better or worse, until death due us part. For me, the death part is when we physically seperate from our house. Until then, as I've told my wife, I am bound to care for you and do everything I can to make this a positive environment we live in. When in the back of my mind, I'm screaming and yelling for some kind of release from this bond. I just hope the next girl I ended up with understands and respects the 'White Knight' that permeates my character. My father tells me that we are a dying breed, and it's important that we keep this kind of behavior alive as long as possible. He, while extremely strict, is an incredible empathetic man who will go out of his way to help anyone. Opening doors for all people, giving people his coat in the winter to keep them warm, and offering an umbrella while walking in the rain, are simply physical 'ticks' to him. And he brought me up the same. I gave up my moral high ground for a while. I was sick of it while watching other people just take advantage. But that's not who I am. And it wasn't all that long before my old self returned and had quite a bit of regret for allowing this to change who I was. I don't beat myself up about it too badly because I was in a really bad place that I didn't deserve. But I would coach you not to stray too far from who you are. At the end of the day, your wife's affair wasn't about you so it makes little sense for it to fundamentally change you permanently. Keep your pride; try not to make too many decisions that you won't be proud of. My gut says you'll be best served by staying faithful to your vows until you're divorced. You'll be proud of that. But if something happens along the way, I wouldn't get all worked up as if you're some cheater like your wife. BTW, sounds like your Dad is a hell of a guy. Edited March 13, 2013 by BetrayedH 2
Author SmokeRat Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 I just have a routine when I get home from work now, which normally involves giving my wife a big hug, telling her that everything will work out for both of us in the end, and just holding her for a few minutes. Then we make dinner, and I retreat to my basement gym or computer room for the evening, with the odd coming downstairs to see if she needs anything. I'll find out how fast we can actually sell the house today, after my wife is done meeting with our real estate agent. I'm hoping at the latest the house will actually be sold come June 1st. It's painful to have my wife all snuggled up against me while we sleep, knowing that she doesn't want any sexual intimacy, while I do. Even during this crisis. But, I think it would be more painful to be living in the same house, and no talking to or having contact with, my wife at all. And she agrees. But I am itching to get back out there, and find someone who makes me want to be better at my job and my life. I want someone who will pine for me while I'm away at work. I'm sure most of you know of Calvin and Hobbes. Those comics were a huge part of my childhood and my father would read them with me for hours on end. He taught me plenty of moral lessons from Calvin and Hobbes, such as loyalty, love, empathy and compassion. He even bought me a tiger that resembled Hobbes, I still have him in a box somewhere in the attic. With that in mind, when I started to get into the seriousness of dating and whatnot, I always wanted a partner that would maul me like Hobbes did Calvin as soon as he walked in the door. As much as the casual reader would just see that as a boy and his tiger playfighting, it was more than that. It was a symbol of Hobbes undying love for Calvin and his way of expressing that unbreakable bond of friendship. I think all of us, that are BS's, want that unbreakable bond. 3
Author SmokeRat Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 There is of course the matter of our adorable little Pug Puppy. We both love her dearly, and we'd both like to share her. Because my wife may not have work come September, due to the cuts to teachers here, I'm more likely to have a house with a backyard and whatnot. Her and I both agree that we should have equal visits with the Puggie, and neither of would stand in the way of seeing her. This of course complicates things, as she is considered our baby. It may be difficult for someone else I'm involved with to have to deal with that as well. "Hey honey, I have to go outside to see my Ex-Wife so she can take the Puggie for a week." Blah. It may just be easier to let her have the Puggie full time, and resign myself from the situation. At the end of the day, my Pug is only a dog, and as much as I view Dogs as the ultimate in companionship, it's not a child and something to bicker over.
beenburned Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 SR, In some states, unless you are legally seperated, having sex with other people is considered adultery. And if your wife found out about it and got mad, she could use this against you in the divorce!(I know this seems unfair, but it is all about what the law in your state will uphold) Please seek the advise of your lawyer about what the laws are in your state, before you do this! 2
BetrayedH Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 (edited) I can't help but think that this continued attachment to your wife is unhealthy. I get that it's more peaceful. I won't judge you for it; perhaps I'll just ramble for a minute. I think the turning point for me was when I realized that I no longer needed my wife (or anyone, for that matter). I got to a point where I would be fine with reconciliation or divorce. I was no longer afraid to be alone. I knew I had survived the fire, that I could handle anything that life threw at me, and that I could do it alone. I was no longer desperate to save the marriage or desperate to have someone to love me. I was able to let go of my marriage. It is difficult to explain what a relief it was to finally let go of reconciliation. There was something about releasing that desperation that, I don't know, helped me to turn that final corner. I stopped mourning my old life and desperately clinging to it and I started looking forward. And there's something about achieving that sense of independence that makes you a healthy person to be with as a partner (which is why many say to wait a year). I don't know if your path is just different than mine so I'm not judging. I just know it was ridiculously hard for me to detach and reach that point of independence. Right now you seem so desperate for affection that your choices are A) Get it from some random girl the fire dudes hook you up with or B) the person that has betrayed you the most in life. How about option C) get feeling healthy on your own to the point where you're not desperate for anyone? These hugs, backrubs, and snuggling with someone that doesn't love you is par for the course but I think you're best to stop clinging to a dead marriage sooner rather than later. It's something to consider. Regardless, I certainly wish you the best. It's a shi t hand we've been dealt. Edited March 13, 2013 by BetrayedH 1
Author SmokeRat Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 I understand the entire 'legally' seperated thing, but up here in Canuck-Land, those rules do not really apply. I'll just have to keep it in my pants, like I did in my marriage. Even when it came to my wife, since sex with me was a 'chore'.
Author SmokeRat Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 We've both agreed that what we are doing is completely dysfunctional. But we tried the alternative, which was me living in the basement and her living upstairs. We tried to stay clear of eachother and living as seperately as possible. But it didn't work for us. As much as my wife did a horrible thing (over and over and over), she knows what she is losing. She knows she'll have to take care of herself know, because she's realized how rare it is to come across someone as caring as I have been. I've started to detach from my wife on an emotional level, physically is a different matter. She's a drop dead gorgeous woman, that will never change. But the emotionals are fading. My buddy had me over the other night and asked me to use his Online Dating Profile just to browse woman in my area. And what I found was that the longer I looked at other woman, and researched, the more confidence I started to get. While looking, in the back of my mind, I could hear my brain saying 'Listen bud, see that hottie right there. You can get her, don't question how, you just know you can." And my buddy agrees. He told me to lay low until everything settles, but he also told me to keep my feelers out, get my confidence back and realize that the reason I managed to get my wife in the first place, is because I took and chance and let me confidence shine. He wants me to visually play the field and get back that assertive confidence I used to have when I was single. But to sum it up, it's helping to realize that MAYBE there are other woman out there, that would be interested in me. It makes me want to work on myself to give me the best chances out there. My wife can play off her looks and those big blue eyes. But once involved her new partner will have to take up the torch when she becomes ill, or learns that she really isn't interested in having sexual relations unless she feels the need (maybe once every six months). I wonder how many 'men' can handle that kind of relationship. 1
KathyM Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 I think you should wait until you've at least moved out of the house and are legally separated. Right now, you are still married and living together, and still giving each other back rubs. As long as you are in that situation, there is a chance you might reconcile, and then you will be bringing the added baggage of your infidelity into the process. As long as you are still married and living together, it would be infidelity. Move out and get the legal separation first.
Author SmokeRat Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 It's been accepted that we will not Reconcile, as she knows she isn't in love with me. She loves me, that much I know, but I NEED someone to be IN LOVE WITH ME. My mother and father love me, my wife/partner should be IN LOVE WITH ME. So reconciling is off the table, what physical contact we have right now is more of a comforting 'there there' kind of thing. I've begun the process of emotionally detaching myself from my wife, but at the same, I am very aware of her body pains and illness. I do everything I can to alleviate those things, because they are beyond her control sometimes. Backrubs help her neuropathy, and snuggles in bed helps to keep her warm which helps her bloodflow. I do these things, because I care and I want her to be happy and healthy by the end of this so she can move on and find someone else.
KathyM Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 You are still married and living together, and giving each other physical attention (back rubs, snuggling). Wait until you've moved out of the house and filed the separation papers before dating. Don't compromise your own morality, just because your wife did. Regardless of what she did, you should stay true to yourself and not be dating while married and living with your wife.
nofool4u Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Just looking for input and maybe what a few of you did to handle a similar situation. Currently going on 2 months now without lovings Been there done that. I didn't waste any time after my divorce. I got right out in the dating world. You should do as I did, have fun, make no commitments and make sure anyone you think has designs on you knows you aren't ready for commitments and aren't making any. I'm having the time of my life! Not looking for commitment, but I am not opposed to it if the absolute right woman comes along. Be selective and if you do ever decide you want to commit, look for qualities in a woman that are the OPPOSITE of your POS x-wife. Good luck, and get out there and enjoy life with the company of good/decent women.
Author SmokeRat Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 I will end up waiting until I have moved out of our current residence and aquired my own, I know that much. As for the 'having fun' sort of thing. I'm not opposed to it, however, I've never been one to play the field heavily. I've casually dated here and there, but I'm at a point in my life (and career), that I want to share the time with someone. Prior to my wife, I always had great radar for people who were of an 'interesting' ilk. My wife somehow flew under that radar and caught me. I'm going to have to tweak the radar slightly to make sure that doesn't happen again. As I have previously prided myself in picking good people out. I do not believe I ask for much in a partner: - ferocious loyalty - honesty - and passion Everything else can be worked on, I'm not even one of those guys who has a 'type', if I find someone stimulating then I can work around everything else, but the above points I cannot negotiate on and will not overlook in the future. I'm 28 and it is unacceptable for me to just resign myself to passionless marriage. I'll stick firm on the idea that physical relations shouldn't be a chore, should happen often and should be passionate.
nofool4u Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 I will end up waiting until I have moved out of our current residence and aquired my own, I know that much. Its a good plan, you don't want to be a classless pig like your X
Author SmokeRat Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 While I understand that she could be construed as a classless pig, I cannot bring myself to think of her that way. She's still my wife and despite the fact she knowingly and willfully destroyed our marriage, I still love her. But by her standards I am slightly classless, since I have a very limited Brain to Mouth filter, and I believe curse words are just words used to spice and flavour a conversation. I'm also extremely politically incorrect. Except when on the job, then the filters are forced on. That's always been something that's bothered her, but I suppose she will not have to worry about it anymore =p.
TobyBoy Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Have you told the OM's wife about the decision to divorce? IMO, she should know so she can protect herself for when/if your WW starts *fishing* again. Don't fool yourself that she won't, chances are she already has.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 But even thinking about going out and sleeping with another woman, everything with my current situation, racks me with guilt that I'm betraying my marriage. Silly? I'm surprised this doesn't get talked about more as your feelings are normal and usual. The first time I spent the night at a woman's house post-divorce, I woke up at 3:00 am with an overwhelming, guilt-ridden feeling that I shouldn't be there. Awkwardly threw on my clothes, mumbled an apology and quickly left. It's a very real feeling that takes some getting over... Mr. Lucky
Ninja'sHusband Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 I would read up on "rebound" relationships and why they aren't healthy. Also do you have kids? I would think about what exposing them to a new woman would be like so soon. It's been tough for me but I've managed to stay out of the dating world since we decided to divorce back at the end of April last year. I want to hit that full year mark since the separation. I think it's considerate to your new partner. You are still in a mess with your ex, they shouldn't have to deal with that. If you browse the dating sites (yes I have done this) you'll see many women saying, "If you are separated, please wait until the divorce is final. Don't use me as a rebound to heal yourself." And I think sex for sex is a risky idea. I've heard of a lot of unintentional relationships starting that way.
Author SmokeRat Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 Just finished talking with the Paralegal that my wife and I have contracted to help us through the divorce process. She explained, that even though my wife and I stayed married after I caught her getting railed by another man, it was merely (as she put it) 'putting up with our marriage'. And that the moment I caught them, it was the official breakdown of the marriage. So actually, in the eyes of the law we've been on ground for a legal divorce since November 17, 2011 at 3:48pm. She said that she can, once we finalize the paper work with her, skip the courts and do everything through their agency for $1,720.00, taxes and everything all in. Which I figure is a great price. I'll be honest, once I heard how easy it was, I was relieved and sad. It's just one more nail into the coffin that is our marriage and it made it even more real. At the same time, I'm almost excited about getting back out there. I'm excited to go out and meet people again, I'm excited to even think about doing the online dating thing, I'm excited by the idea of finding someone who is crazy, madly, insanely in love with me. Relating back to the Calvin and Hobbes stint, it would be nice to have someone tackle me off the porch when I get home, because she's just that happy to see me. Now I get that is unrealistic in a serious, long term relationship, but everyone here gets the point I'm making.
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