Can feelings ever come back?

[Ready36]

My question is, is it possible for feelings to ever come back once you feel differently about someone? i.e. the romantic feelings became more like 'friendship' love? I'm thinking really about in the future - if you have been broken up for some time, months or perhaps even years later?

 

Basically here is my story. Going out with a girl, about 7 months. For the first 5 months (approx) we were both crazy about each other and very attracted to each other. She was just turning 23 and I am just turning 29, so there is a bit of an age gap.

 

She ended it, saying she woke up one morning and felt different about me. But there was more too it. Firstly, she said it really was her not me, that she has issues and is struggling with a lot of stuff at the moment. She said wehen she ended it that she wants to be by herself, is thinking of going away for a while and is happier being in relationships with her friends. She also said that she thought about 2 months before ending it that she wasn't ready for a relationship. I do remember now things she said towards the end, red flags that you just don't spot when you are in love.

 

She said that I did nothing wrong at all, I was the perfect boyfriend, one in a million and any girl is lucky to have me. We had some contact after, intiated by me and unfortunately one encounter that ended up with me acting like an idiot because I was drunk and founf her with a guy she was seeing (but I know for a fact this only started about 5-6 weeks after she ended it with me because he told me!) and I have found out that she is now dating someone else too. She said the first guy was nothing.

 

Now from what I can make out from her backstory, she is rarely without a guy. But, she hasn't had a realtionship (or anything serious) for a long time before me - just causual stuff.

 

She does have issues, and I think they revolve around commitment. Her dad left her when she was little and send her horrible messages, her first boyfrind of 3 years was cheating on her for like 6 months and the last guy she saw before me had unprotected sex with her when she was drunk, didn't tell her he wasn't wearing anything and she ended up pregannt and had to have an abortion and counselling.

 

Then I came along tried to be a god guy, make her happy, spoilt her a bit and did things for her that she said no one had done before. Once she even said I don't deserve it!

 

I think if I can be criticised for anything, it's that I stopped playing it cool and perhaps did too much and showed too much. I always tried to be thoughtful, I just thought that's what good boyfriends should do - but perhaps I started to be too 'nice' and not sexy??

 

Then BAM, it's over.

 

This guy she is now seeing is friends with her sister, a really good looking lad too.

 

She has wished me well but has basically emplied we won't ever talk again.

 

We are no contact and not planing to remain friends.

 

Now, I am clearly going to have to move on. BUT would like to think that my bridges aren't totally burnt and that perhaps in time when she is older (and if of course we are both single) she might, MIGHT be able to feel the same way about me.

 

Thoughts?

Edited March 12, 2013 by Ready36

[OwlSoul]

Heya, I've posted in the other thread, which is kind of similar to your situation here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/379032-what-do-i-do-now#post4682962

 

 

Now, I am clearly going to have to move on. BUT would like to think that my bridges aren't totally burnt and that perhaps in time when she is older (and if of course we are both single) she might, MIGHT be able to feel the same way about me.

 

I've read about the similar situation in the book: The one who leaves the relationship (your ex) most likely to be insecure in the new one. As a result, such relationships do not last long and she might be dumped. This is the point when she will start thinking about getting back to you. As for me, I would never get back with the ex who would date someone after our break-up.

[singme2sleep]

I def think its possible. Sometimes all it takes is seeming them face to face, and the feelings can come rushing back.

[J_L_C]

I def think its possible. Sometimes all it takes is seeming them face to face, and the feelings can come rushing back.

 

This has been my problem in letting go! I was in a similar situation. With a guy for a year, but he ended things because he was no longer "in love" with me. We never fought, never disagreed...just had great times together but I guess at some point his feelings changed.

 

After we split, he told me it's over and that we would never try again. He said he knows how he feels and that I'm not right for him. We're not meant to be together. OUCH.

 

Singme2sleep...the question of seeing someone again and having the feelings return is something I think about all the time. Despite my ex's obvious feelings, I still think about it. I have a thread posted and I mentioned the fact that my ex wants to meet up to return some of my things. I'm definitely aware that it may not be a good idea and could totally set me back, but at the same time, I have this nagging feeling in my head that MAYBE I should see him just to give it that possible chance...or else I'll never know and I'll always wonder.

[na49]

I guess they can, but THEY have the be the one to have the epiphany. Us begging them to come back and writing them poems doesn't show them how much we love them. It shows them that we are needy and desperate.

[singme2sleep]

J_L_C:

 

I think one should always trust their first instinct. If you feel you need to, then do it.

[mikeyv44]

i have posted on here too. we have a very similar story, and i encourage to read mine, and get your perspective on it.

 

its titled "learn from my mistakes", and its obviously written by me.

 

from my perspective man i would just try your best to let her go, and leave her alone. i know it will seem pretty much impossible. trust me i know. i'm sure it will be hard since she was a good girl, but sometimes that all you can do. in all honesty, i know you're hurting right now, because i am also, but time heals all wounds. hope this helps

[Lost Fish]

JLC and singme2sleep,

 

I disagree in JLC's case. Your instincts are totally wrong about that guy. He is a Class A Douchebag. And I can say that with 100% confidence simply based on your posts about him in the other threads. Read JLC's other posts and you'll agree.

 

As to the OP:

 

Yes I think feelings can come back. But that's not always a good thing. But reconciliations happen - but they usually never work out unless both people are in completely different places in their emotional growth. Because 99% of the time exes are exes for a reason.

[Ready36]

Yeh this whole situation has left me very confused. Firstly, I could tell she wasn't happy. BUT she was the one who said to me some weeks before it ended "i'm not feeling myself at the moment, I don't know what it is but it is not you and if I'm off with you I am sorry".

 

She had been going through a tough time, her best friend had moved away and she hardly spoke to her and it was upsetting her that she seemed so distant. Her friend was very serious with her fella. Her oldest friend was also being very off with her.

 

I know it seems like I'm digging deep for excuses - I'm not - but there were other things too, like we had 2 accidents which required her to take the morning after pill like twice in about a month just before her feelings changed. I know that is bound to affect hormones not to mention the fact that as I said above, she had a scare of this type before and actually had to have an abortion.

 

I also think I was good to her and for whatever reason (perhaps the fact every guy has been bad to her before) she couldn't handle it??

 

I just hope that I have screwed up a really good thing and would like to think there maybe some hope in the future if I am not able to find soemeone else who measures up.

 

Thoughts?

[singme2sleep]

Ready36-

 

How long have you been broken up? Are you talking or in NC?

[Ready36]

We broke up end of October. I called a couple of weeks later, probably shouldn't but needed some answers. I have to say she has given me a lot of information which she didn't have to, so I am grateful to her for that. Then NYE I bumped into her when drunk I'm her home town. Didn't go down to we'll as I was drunk and acted like a bit of an idiot kept trying to talk to her and she was with a guy who she has been on a couple of dates with and what's worse, the guy was a trouble maker- started talking to me, telling me he was going to finish her and that he thought we had a chance. Said if I wanted to meet him to talk about it he would and I stupidly said yes!!! I admitted as such to we and she was understandably upset. I never did of course- dumbest drunken thing I have ever done.

 

A few txt and calls were exchanges after- she wasn't happy but we agreed to forget about it as we wanted to end on good terms and she agreed I had been very good to her. WE ARE NO CONTACT an she lives 30 miles away.

 

 

A few weeks past and I sent her an email an she did respond- a very long email on the 31st Jan an that was our last contact. About 3-4 weeks later though she started dating this new guy. Here is both our emails- apologies for the length!

 

 

M***

 

Thanks for your email. Just for the record you don’t need to explain yourself to me, I know you probably don’t understand or believe me when I say you did nothing wrong, but, you really did nothing wrong. I know the typical saying ‘its not you, its me’ never washes with people but believe me it is true. Of course I was really attracted to you, had such strong feelings for you, had such a good laugh with you and always enjoyed being in your company but I don’t think I wanted to be in a relationship, so for that, I apologise. I know I have a few ‘issues’ (I HATE that word haha) that I need to sort out. I liked the fact you were a caring person and in all honesty you acted exactly the same as any other decent boyfriend in the world….. it wasn’t the way you acted….it was me!!!

 

I am pleased you have started dating again, and I really do hope you find a girl that wants the same things as you because you deserve it. Even after the NYE episode I have never felt inclined to say a bad word against you, my family and my friends know you to be ‘the lovely boyfriend I once had’ – I was just in a bit of a weird place and still am. As much as you probably wont believe me, I am not dating…. That guy you ‘met’ on NYE was nothing (not to mention he turned out to be a nasty piece of work) but my point is…..i didn’t finish our relationship to find someone ‘more exciting’ ‘better’, I finished it because its not what I wanted with ANYONE! I am struggling with a lot of stuff at the moment and I am happier being by myself and being in relationships with my friends – especially c**** (we are going out on valentines day haha) – a bit inappropriate but I have a funny story about****……. So… I was seeing her after work in the car park on Tuesday and we were going to go to the gym…anyway…we sat in the car park at work chatting and her car engine cut out… **** being **** tried to start it up again and couldn’t…..turns out she had drained the car of petrol??!! Don’t know what she does sometimes…..anyway instead of remaining calm she proceeded to cry and panic…. I then had to take her to ainsburys to top up and bottle thing of petrol and return her to her car??!! haha

 

I have contemplating leaving and going away for a while, have been looking into it these past few weeks….. I am just so sorry you have been sat there wanting to apologise or explain yourself. You don’t need to do that with me…. You shouldnt change yourself or justify who you are because quite frankly, you really are one of the good ones and one in a million and any girl is lucky to have you – I rarely say that about the s***e I have dated, in fact normally the opposite, but with you I mean it!!! It’s a good thing I ended our relationship when I did because I wouldn’t have wanted you to be with me when im the way I am at the moment, it would not have been fair on you.

 

Anyway, I hope things are looking up for you and I really do wish you all the best!! Youre an absolute gem m*** and if you don’t take anything away from this conversation…please PLEASE take away the fact, this was not your fault and you couldn’t have done anything better, you were great just the way you were.

 

X x x

 

 

 

 

*****

 

 

For the record, I’m not expecting you to respond to this Vicky and I’m not going to contact again. That’s not what this is about. I know you haven’t changed your mind, I wouldn’t expect you to. It’s not like you were going to wake up one morning and suddenly feel differently about something that wasn’t making you happy anymore. I know it makes no difference what I have to say now. It’s a bit sad, but I think if I'd seen then what I see now, if we met today (now I’m that bit wiser), things might have turned out differently. It’s the ultimate catch 22, damned if I say this, damned if I don’t. I get how it looks and what’s going through your mind. That I’m not respecting what you’ve said, that I’m sat here- crying into my beer (not that I could with **** sat here). Actually, I really am great right now. I’m dating again and spending that much time out with **** I think we might now be legally joined in some way.

 

 

I was going to say this after we broke up, but didn’t. I think the main reason you feel the way you do is because I tried to be more of a ‘supportive, caring guy’ rather than just being plain old chirpy Mark, the man who you couldn’t keep your hands off. It wasn’t like I felt I needed to be different, I knew you already thought ‘I was the complete package’. But I could see you were having a crap time of it the last couple of months with the friend situation, work etc. At times, really upset about Laura. Being a bloke I hadn’t a clue what I should be doing. I’ve always been independent, looking after number one is easy. When it comes to girl issues, it’s like another language and I’m only fluent in English and Black Country. I know I was always a bit of a closed book and you used to joke that I didn’t compliment you or say nice things. So, I thought I’d step up my game, and I consulted the Reverend R*** for his advice - being the love expert that he is. He said unto me “yay, go forth and lavish her with great spoiling's and care” (spoil you and look after you more). In my head it seemed right (especially based upon his extensive knowledge of Disney romance, and I have always had faith in Father *****e). But, I didn’t want the boyfriend of the year Oscar and looking back, I could have given Jesus Christ a run for his money (the son of God, not the horse). Maybe you thought I had gone from cool, sexy Jamie Foxx you couldn’t get enough of to a caring, selfless, Ghandi. And he’s really let himself go.....

 

 

You wanted to be treated like a girlfriend not a princess. Mothers and friends are there to look after you and spoil you. It sounds stupid, but I think I also felt more ‘protective’ after you told me about the horrible stuff you’d been through when at the Waterfront. But you aren’t made of glass. You’re a big girl, you can look after yourself. And it wasn’t like you would have spontaneously combusted into flames if we had argued. I didn’t need to hold back sometimes just because you were having a rough time with L****– just act like a f*cking man, let off a bit of steam and say what was on my mind. Things need to be shook up now and then, it can’t always be plain sailing, otherwise it all feels too ‘perfect’. Perfect is boring, it’s no challenge. Nice is comfortable. It’s ‘cute’, it isn’t fun, it’s not sexy or ‘dirty’ it’s the very opposite of what we like.... we both like things hot, steamy, naughty. I wanted things to always feel like the beginning – exciting, passionate, banter, going different places, doing different things, being all over each other, me dragging you to the bedroom and pinning you down. It’s funny, I’m about as assertive a guy as you will ever meet (it’s my job), I’m a big character at work, with my mates and a cheeky b*stard to boot. But maybe you felt like I became more of a softie and was being too nice, doing more thoughtful things rather than sexy things. Believe me, I wasn’t trying to score boyfriend points – I knew you loved me already. However, I get that it can feel uncomfortable to always be treated good, especially if you are not used to it. No one wants to feel like things are predictable, that things aren’t on an even keel or that they can’t give as much as they receive. I was the guy and just needed to be there for you, like a boyfriend. And I never wanted things to feel serious, I liked what we had when we were dating. I‘ve always been independent, I'm not looking to settle down or get comfortable any time soon (I want to get more out of life). I liked the fact we would see our friends whenever we wanted and that we never felt like we had to ‘answer’ to each other.

 

 

All benefits of 20/20 hindsight I suppose, but I’m not putting all the blame on myself here. It wasn’t wrong to want to try and do what I thought you needed at the time. But, I’m strong and wise enough to admit that I maybe wasn’t getting it right. I’ve never been arrogant, some think I’m cocky but that’s only because I’m sure of myself and know I’ve got a lot to offer. Even if I have hit the nail on the head, I wouldn’t expect you to suddenly think or feel differently. But I’ve said my peace now - I’ll live and learn and be a great boyfriend (not a perfect boyfriend) to the next girl and chalk this down to experience. I just hope one day we aren’t left wondering ‘what if’. Look after yourself Luddertron

Edited March 14, 2013 by Ready36