Recent Breakup After 5 Years, Thoughts?

[templar_21]

Guys,

 

I am new to this forum and just thought I would reach out to you guys for some advice/opinions on my recent breakup. I will try to keep it as concise yet detailed as possible.

 

Some background- Me and my ex were together for 5 years. She was 17 when we got together, I was 16. She is now 22 and I am 21. We were "highschool sweathearts" and I spent my entire four years of college with her up until my current (last) semester. Further, we have a three year old daughter together.

 

Our relationship- We NEVER had a bad relationship. We were together for a full 5 years. We did not split up throughout that time, or constantly fight. Yes, we had our fights here and there like any other couple, but we always maintained a good relationship with each other, maintained our house and family, etc. We were lovers, friends, had a good sex life, etc. We both got comfortable with being with each other.

 

What happened- My ex left me a little over 5 weeks ago for an older guy in which she works with. She told me that she "could not hide her feelings anymore" and that she "loves me, but she is not in love with me." I was devastated and blindsided. However, about 2 1/2 years ago, I found out that she was talking to the same guy for about two weeks behind my back (just texting him, did not meet up or cheat, but must have had feelings for him). She broke down the same day, apologized, cried, and sent him a message saying that she could no longer talk to him.

 

Fast forward about 3 years, really no issues whatsoever with him. I didn't like knowing that she was working around the guy, but I forgave her and she didn't give me any reasons not to trust her throughout that time (we were together all the time, I had her phone half the time, etc).

 

I believe that it all started when she started working out at a local gym in which he did. Not only was she working around him, she would also work out with him at the gym. So within the last two-three weeks of our relationship, I believe she became more and more attracted to him and she could not hide her feelings for him anymore.

 

I NEVER treated her badly. I told her I loved her everyday, kissed her, hugged her, called her all the time when not with her to talk, see how she was doing, etc. She meant the world to me.

 

Who she left me for- The guy that she left me for, like I mentioned, works with her. He is 34. She is 22. So there is a 12 year age difference. He works maintenance at her workplace and he lives in a trailer park (no offense to anyone). Apparently, he has been blowing smoke up her ass for the past couple years in hopes of taking her from me, and he succeeded in his mission. Further, he seems to like to party a lot, go out, and he drinks and smokes. One of the pictures on his facebook show him holding onto a girl in a bikini while wearing a marriage=game over shirt. He has been in several relationships recently, and his was also married within the last five years (only lasted two years prior to divorce).

 

How things are now- We still maintain a GOOD relationship. We have been working things out great for our daughter (have her about 50/50), communicate great, and she still wants me in her life. I forgave her for the manner in which the breakup occured/how abrupt it was etc, and have agreed to be friends with her. A week upon splitting up, we spent the whole day together. We spent time together with our daughter, went out together, spent a lot of time talking, etc. We said we love each other, flirted with each other, held hands at one point, and she even told me that she missed me. It is clear she still has positive feelings for me, despite them being masked by the new guy.

 

I asked her that day if she thought that she could ever be happy with me or if she thought we could work things out. She said yes, but she said that she felt she "gave me enough chances in our relationship" and that it wouldn't be fair to end things abruptly with her new partner (plus she had feelings for him, obviously). Further, she said that if things don't work out between him and her, and I'm in a relationship, she will just be single. Does that mean if things don't work out between them, and I'm not in a relationship, that she would take me back? I don't want to be plan b or second to anyone, and she told me she doesn't want me to feel like I am on the backburner.

 

What happened two days ago- Thought I would get your guys opinions on this. The other day, we were texting about a new tattoo she got. Shortly after, she sent me a text and said "from now on we can only talk about things concerning our daughter so I don't get in trouble." So, obviously, he is starting to control her or have some influence over her. She told me a few weeks ago that she still would hang out with me and do stuff with me and my daughter, although it doesn't seem like that will happen anymore. All I replied to her was "ok." The next day, when I met her at work to pick up my daughter, she apologized for the message and said he pissed her off and that he "needs to grow up." Also, she pretty much told me not to worry about him.

 

So, obviously, it seems she still wants me to be in her life, to have contact with her, and she still has positive feelings towards me. While I don't really talk to her much unless it concerns our daughter, sometimes we will talk about stuff in general when we meet up or over the phone (not about our relationship). Even when I meet up with her sometimes, she is almost flirtacious with me, and I can tell by the look in her eyes that she still has to have feelings for me to some extent.

 

Quetions/Opinons- So, do you guys thing that this is a good example of "the grass is greener on the other side"? Do you see the relationship lasting due to the age difference, the lifestyle he seems to live, his inability to settle down at his age/several recent relationships/and an unsuccessful, short marriage, the speed at which things are happening between them (very fast), her apparent positive feelings towards me, and how he seems to be already controlling/possessive, etc? Like I said, I know that she still has to have feelings for me, I just believe they are masked somewhat by the excitement/honeymoon stage/the new guy. Do you think these feelings will come to the surface again after awhile? How much contact do you think I should have with her and do you believe I should continue being friendly/polite with her, or limit my contact as much as possible? Unfortunatley, since I have to see her everyday due to my daughter, it makes it a little harder to give her space to miss me. Do you guys think I will have a chance with her again? I believe it all rides on what happens between them.

 

Dealing with this situation has been the most painful thing I have ever had to experience. I am still deeply in love with her and would do anything it takes to get her back. I know it has only been a little over a month since the break up, but I constantly fear the worst and try to speculate if their relationship will last. I know we could work things out in the future if things don't work out between them, and I would really do anything to have another chance with her. We had plans to get married, move away, have another child, etc. We even discussed some of these things a few weeks before splitting up. That is one of the reasons as to why this has been so hard for me. I fear never being able to live out these plans with her, and it is so difficult seeing her seemingly happy (for now hopefully) with the new guy.

 

If you read all of this, thanks a lot. It means a lot. I would really appreciate any thoughts, advice, incite, etc on the situation. Thanks for your time.

[Rikatoari]

As someone that recently went through a harsh break-up, I know more or less how you're feeling, in fact, she left me for another guy as well, a douche that is the total opposite of me...

 

Giving advice on these type of things is very hard, as every person is different, but I recommend that you listen to Michael Bublé's song "Haven't met you yet", in the first weeks after the break-up it was the only thing that cheered me up.

 

 

My other piece of advice is eat a lot of chocolate, especially of the dark kind!

[Chi townD]

She gave YOU enough chances in the relationship? This other douche rocket has been intrusive throughout your entire relationship with her. She's the one that never gave you the chance.

 

Okay, so what you have to do is start looking out for number one. YOURSELF!! and then you be the best father to your daughter that you can be. She wanted to leave for a scruffy handyman, that's her mistake. Let her see that she made a massive mistake. Start making positive changes in your life. For you and your daughter. The easiest is getting a new haircut and hairstyle. Something people will notice and like. Then, get new clothes. Look sharp! If your a jeans, sneaker and t-shirt type of guy. Change to designer jeans or slacks, button down shirt with loafers or dress shoes. This is going to help your self esteem. Then get to the gym, get a membership and GO! Run your ass off on the treadmill and push weight. This is going to help you work iff some of that stress and frustrations. Plus, you'll be working on that lean and rock hard bod. Again, helping your self esteem.

 

Go to college. If you already have a degree, then go to grad school. If you don't have a degree, then get one. If you don't think you can afford college right now you're wrong. College's and Universities are hurting in these hard economic times too and their enrollments are down. They need prospective students walking in through their doors. And once in there, they will find you the money. They will apply you to every scholarship that they can find, have you do FAFSA and find any grant they can to have you going to school with them. As of right now, you can be going to college with very little coming out of your pocket. JUMP ON IT!!! A solid college education is going to open more job opportunities for you and paying a hell of a lot more than with someone without a college degree. Plus, keeping your mind in the books rather than what she's doing. Once you finish, you can get that awesome job that's paying you a lot of cash. Now you can afford that nice townehome in a great neighborhood and you can afford that kick ass ride you always wanted.

 

Get yourself out there. Find a new hobby. Most of these interests have a club in your area, so join them! Meet new people! Join a running club, or a diving club, cyclying club, community theater......whatever! Just get out there and meet new people and make new friends.

 

Then travel! See the world! Have an adventure! Pick a place that you've always dreamed of seeing. Do your research, figure out the cost of the trip, budget and save. And when you had enough....GO! HAVE A BLAST!!!!! If your daughter is old enough, save and take her to Disney World!

 

You make these positive changes and you might not WANT her back. Hey, it's happened before! And one day she going to drop off your daughter in front of your new townehome and she's going to see the new red mustang in your driveway. You come out and you look totally GQ and looking lean and fit. And a liitle tan from your trip to the Bahama's that you just got back from. And she going to think, "Damn, I messed up! He's got everything going for him and I got a hot mess back at the trailer park."

 

That's how you get your revenge, by living a DAMN good life. Now, time to go get it!

[purplereigncb]

Chi Town D.... I feel like every post you write down is directed towards me.... You give the best advice! I agree this guys a douche, your girl got bored, like mine, 1/4 life crisis if you will. She wants some excitement in her life. The best thing to do is to show her how she messed up.You are cutting her too much slack. She has you in the palm of her hand.

[templar_21]

Thanks, guys. I forgot to mention that she/my daughter (when she is with her) are all ready living with him. She moved in with him about two weeks upon splitting up with me.

 

Anyone else think that this doesn't seem too promising?

[Coping Vortex]

Thanks, guys. I forgot to mention that she/my daughter (when she is with her) are all ready living with him. She moved in with him about two weeks upon splitting up with me.

 

Anyone else think that this doesn't seem too promising?

 

Yes it will be a disaster.

[puzzled1]

Wow, I feel for you.

 

I think since you guys got together so young, she missed out on the things she is now into.

 

This relationship will be a disaster, and you shouldn't wait around for it!

 

Good luck to you bud, hope things start looking up. Until then, spend as much time with your daughter as you can!

[purplereigncb]

Wow, I feel for you.

 

I think since you guys got together so young, she missed out on the things she is now into.

 

This relationship will be a disaster, and you shouldn't wait around for it!

 

Good luck to you bud, hope things start looking up. Until then, spend as much time with your daughter as you can!

 

Yes very true. I was with my ex since we were 16 years old. Although sometimes I felt like I missed out on things. I let her get away with alot of going out and doing things like someone who was single. I thought that would keep her happy. In the end I think we both felt like we sacrificed too much for each other and that's why we couldn't end on good terms.

[Chi townD]

Thanks, guys. I forgot to mention that she/my daughter (when she is with her) are all ready living with him. She moved in with him about two weeks upon splitting up with me.

 

Anyone else think that this doesn't seem too promising?

 

 

Not much you can do about that or say about that. I take it you aren't married. If this is the case, the mother will ALWAYS be considered the primary parent in the eyes of the courts. Unless you can prove to the courts that she's an unfit mother. And in some places, you need to have a photo of her passed out with a herion needle sticking out of her arm with the kid running around the place naked and in dirty diapers with no supervision. It's that insane.

 

Is it promising? For you, yeah. For her, nope! You have an opportunity here. I think you should jump on it.

[Kermit]

Thanks, guys. I forgot to mention that she/my daughter (when she is with her) are all ready living with him. She moved in with him about two weeks upon splitting up with me.

 

Anyone else think that this doesn't seem too promising?

 

Well my ex met some loser douche the day of our breakup and moved in, got engaged, and brought her kids to live with this guy all in 5 days after we split. Best part is, the guy leftfor some basic training or some **** for 5 months. She has known him for about 10 days and hes been gone for the rest of that time while she lives in his place, uses his car, and brings her bastard kids around. Can you say user? What a joke.

 

My ex is bad news. Your ex is bad news too. She may be less of a mess, but a mess none the less. She is reckless with her life and is taking advantage of your kindness. Its times to turn into an *******.

 

For some awful reason all i want to do is see this relationship with her new "fiance" if you can even call it that, just burn to the ground in the worst way possible.

Edited March 13, 2013 by Kermit

[templar_21]

Thanks for the replys, guys. I agree there may be a chance, however today has me wondering. Today was painful for me.

 

Our daughter has been sick for a few days, and we were discussing today scheduling her a doctor appointment. My ex tried to schedule her an appointment, but they weren't able to get her in today. She mentioned taking her to a walk in clinic today (she has just been running a fever and coughing). Anyways, we always used to go to these appointments together (obviously). On the phone today, she essentially asked me if I would go. Good idea or not, I didn't want to seem like an ass and tell her that I didn't want to go with her to an appointment for our daughter (since it does have to do with my daughter and it wasn't like she was asking me to hang out), so I agreed.

 

Long story short, I meet her at the walk in clinic, and her new man steps out of the car. During the break up so far, I have been around him a few times when picking up or dropping off my daughter, but I haven't had a word with him because I have nothing to say to him and I didn't want an altercation to start. So, now, when I thought it was just going to be me and her taking our daughter to an appointment, she actually has the nerve to bring him along (to an appointment for our daughter, not his)? I kept my cool, but I was tempted to flip out.

 

It made for a very awkward hour and a half wait (in a waiting room between the three of us), and it was painful to sit near my ex (of only a little over a month) and her new man. Hearing their discussion, them laughing, talking about things, etc. Seemed so happy. How does this guy casually replace me after 5 years, and why the f*** does he feel the need to seriously come to an appointment with her for MY daughter? It took all I could to not say anything to him. I kept my cool, played with my daughter, spoke to my ex when I had to, etc. But she pissed me the hell off just as much as he did.

 

THEN, when we are called back, he also comes back to the room. Are you kidding me? This guy is so far stuck up my exs ass that he can't not be with her for a second (keep in mind she is 22 and attractive and he is 34 and he also has already told her that he doesn't want her communicating with me unless it has to do with our daughter). He is definitely jealous, paranoid, or both.

 

It was seriously a painful experience to have to be in that situation today, and it is making me face the reality of things. They seem very happy after listening to the conversations and it seems like they will likely be together for a good while. I know that these early stages of relationships are always normally happy, exciting, etc, but today is making me lose hope of any reconciliation between us in the future.

 

What do you guys think? Wouldn't you be upset in the same circumstance? I don't think I can do too many more of these types of meetings. If I knew he was going to come along with her, I most certainly wouldn't have wanted to go. There was really no need for him to tag along like he did. I just hope I handled the situation properly (just played it cool like nothing bothered me). I just didn't want to flip out (especially when my daughter is around), or act like the situation bothered me in the least bit. I want her to think that I am fine with things, that he doesn't bother me, and that I have moved on. You know?

 

Let me know what you guys think. I'm anxious to hear from you.

Edited March 14, 2013 by templar_21

[templar_21]

What do you guys think? Did I handle myself the right way? Do you guys also think this was heartless of her to allow him to come along? She seems to not care about my feelings at all. It also seems like this guy is trying to assume a fatherly role with my child. The whole situation really upsets me, and I don't know how to handle my ex after this.

[Chi townD]

WHOA!!!! WHAT A DOUCHY MOVE ON HER PART!!!!! Dude, you handled that like a Saint!! I would have made a huge scene and probably wouldn't be able to type this because I would have been waiting to be bailed out.

 

He had absolutely NO BUSINESS being there with your daughter. NONE! What the f*ck was she thinking? Did she want to just rub your face in it? Because it sounded like she just treated you like a fly on the wall. Like you really didn't need to be there in the first place. The next time you have to talk to her, let her know that, that was a douche thing to do to you. If it were me and he got up to go in the back to see the Doctor I would have been like, "Where the f*ck do you think you're going? Is she your daughter? Is it YOUR insurance that's picking up the medical bills? Sit your old ass back down."

 

Yeah, you handled it WAY better than I would have. However, this doesn't give her a free pass to rub your face in it.

 

 

Grrr.... I'm spun up now.

[templar_21]

I'm with you man! I was feeling that way inside, and it took everything I had not to say something to the guy. I just knew it probably wouldn't be good to act on it. Atleast not yet. Me and her are certainly going to have a talk about it here at some point (as civilly as possible).

 

As far as her rubbing it in my face, I'm not sure if she intended to do that. Honestly, I don't think she intented for him to come along. My daughter actually told me that he wanted to come along (I didn't ask, she just told me). I feel like she may have felt stuck in the middle when he mentioned about coming along, but she still shouldn't have allowed it. I know she kind of felt bad or differently about it because she was stumbling over her words when she first got out of the car and talked to me. It's almost like she knew it was going to be awkward and it probably wasn't right or a good idea, but she didn't know what to do. It still doesn't excuse it.

 

But yeah, it really pisses me off. I would never, in a million years, intrude in on someone elses child's appointment. Even if I was dating that person and it was there ex. If he is being controlling/jealous/possessive/etc, he really needs to grow up. If he can't trust her to go to a doctors appointment with me for our child, then she is really going to have her hands full with him. It is also one thing to go (which is still wrong), but to actually go back to the room? I was NEVER like that with her.

 

We will have a talk about it here soon.

[templar_21]

Also, I don't want to seem like a push over for NOT saying anything about it. You know? I don't want to be like a door mat. I just worry by not saying anything yesterday, it makes me seem like one. But, at the same time, I believe it was the mature thing to do, and, looking back, she may realize that I wasn't putting myself first in this situation, I was actually being very (if not overly) considerate of the circumstance and her desires. I hope she looks back at some point and sees that. I'm putting her happiness before mine, essentially. In any case, I don't think anything would have been good about starting a scene yesterday. Especially since my daughter was there. If I have to have a word with him at some point, I guess I will. But until then, I just may have to play it cool. I don't want to make things any worse than they already are and ruin my chances of ever reconciling with her.

 

Do you agree?

[Chi townD]

Look, when you talk to her. Be calm and cool about it. Explain to her "that bringing the assbag along for a Doctor's visit for OUR daughter was totally not cool and it was completely disrespectful. I didn't say anything because I put that aside and realize that this isn't about you and me, it's about our daughter. That's the only thing that mattered, so I stowed it. But when he decided to come back to the Examination Room, he was about an ass hair away from eating out of a straw. She is OUR responsiblity, not his. WE make the medical decision for our daughter, not him. I am her father and I will not standby to be pushed out and replaced. The douche rocket got you but I'll be damned if he's going to get my daughter too. And I hope you can respect my reasoning behind this."

 

Or something like that....Just be sure that you don't make it sound like "I can believe you're doing this to ME." Make it sound like that it isn't about you and what she's done to you. It's about the confusion she's inflicting on your daughter. By deflecting it away from yourself and making it about your daughter, hopefully, it's going to open her eyes a little bit and not be so defiant. Hopefully, she'll see it was a douche bag thing to do. Hopefully, she have a level of respect for your restraint and not once did you make it about her and this guy. That you only thought of your daughter. Which will make you look like a strong father figure (well...you are her father...but you know what I mean) and that's a very attractive quality that women love. Just remember, no raised voices, no yelling....get your point across as calm and collected as you can.