js1967 Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Ill share this here in the hopes that somebody else wont make the same mistake I made. After reading and learning much from this site, I could not deal with NOT KNOWING how a 3 year relationship could come to a complete, quick halt. Is started texting her. I stayed on it.I kept texting. I kept asking why, I told her she was being mean and hurtful. I asked her finally if she would just at least give me some sort of chance for explanation to try to get closure and tell me that there was no chance at all of us getting back together, I would move on. She called. It was a friendly conversation to a degree. I knew it would be breif, I tried to get as much info as I could in just a few minutes. She told me for the past six months, she had basically worked herself out of having any kind of romantic type of feelings towards me. She swore there was no one else and she really did want to be by herself. She felt bad for just abruptly kicking me to the curb and she even felt she deserved some of my meanish toned texts from me in retaliation. She said she did not want to give me any false hopes. She did not want to go back with me as it took her a long time to come to her decision and she realizes she was being rather selfish....as I was in full love with her at the point she decided it was over. I had no idea other then she seemed a bit distant and cranky at times...then SLAM its over. Anyway, I asked her if I could return just a few items to her. I told her I would mail them. She asked well....cant we be friends, she thinks I am a really nice guy, really likes me, she just doesn't love me. WHAT??????? What the heck is that? friends after talking about marriage, true love? WTF!!!! My response to this was...no way, I am sorry. It would kill me to see know, or even have a hint of her being with somebody else as a friend. what Am I suppossed to be happy for her...I dont want to know about it what so ever. I dont wish ill will, but come on, I still love the woman. It has been worse since I desperately sought out that final closure from her and she attempted to give it to me. I will never ever make this mistake again. I am done, and now I feel even worse since getting that little bit of contact. I now have to start over. Leave it be folks. Hold true to that no contact. Lots of truth on this board.
Chi townD Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Sorry you had that happen to you. Well, at least you can take comfort in the fact that you came here and learned all of the tools you need to help you get through this. And you also learned how to read the TRUE meaning of our Ex's responses. Hang in there. You're going to be fine.
Author js1967 Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 You know what I think the true meaning of an ex's response is...so she can live with less guilt and feel better...not me. I hate being so pesimistic like that, but dam. Her Closure for me was... her statements, which were selfish. _______________________________ from her.... Hey, I didn't want to hurt you. Im not a mean person. Hey, there is no one else, I just want to be by myself. Hey I don't love you anymore and have long since been ok with it, I'm sorry it sucks to be you, but I am ok sorry your not and that I dropped it on you like that. Hey, how about we be friends now? Why in the world would the request to be friends even be made? Im thinking to ease her guilt. If I just would have left her be, as least I would know she would have lived with some guilt. I looked for closure...I ended up giving her closure. What A Sucker I am.
Chi townD Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Why in the world would the request to be friends even be made? Im thinking to ease her guilt. If I just would have left her be, as least I would know she would have lived with some guilt. I looked for closure...I ended up giving her closure. What A Sucker I am. Sorry to tell you this, but if those are her responses, then I speculate she didn't have a lot of guilt to begin with. Her blaise attitude toward your feelings should have spoken volumes to you. And if you really look at this closely, YOU'RE the one that just got closure, not her. YOU saw what her true colors are and she's not a very nice person; therefore, why the hell would you WANT to be around someone so selfish and uncaring. She didn't get the closure because she still wanted to be friends at the end (good for you for shooting her down). You got the closure. 1
Author js1967 Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 Im not innocent here, I was rather neglectful the past couple months of a wonderful 3 year relationship. We didnt fight or anything, but I just got too comfortable. I see that now. I asked why she didnt say anything when she started to feel that way, she had no answer other then "I dont know" She admitted she was wrong for doing it the way she did it. I am just an idiot guy who in the end, let up on showing and telling her how much I loved her. Im the next topic for a bruno mars song LOL. So help me with this. She said he was hoping we could be friends. My immediate response was... Like **** "name of her ex husband" ? "No way! I think he is a nice guy and Im glad you two have a good relationship , but I don't want to be him or like him. How Can I , I still love you so how could that possibly happen?" So leaving it like that...leaves her hanging????? Her last responce to me was... "can we just let this whole thing cool down for a while?" My last statement was.. "You will never find someone who will Love you like I do." Im such a child sometimes, I shouldnt have said that.
Chi townD Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Well, you can't take back what was said. You shouldn't feel stupid about it. It happens and you're hurting. We tend to say stupid sh*t when we're hurt. But, you may have put some guilt back into her though. She's now aware on how deeply this affected you. She now knows that you were in love with her. Some may say that by breaking NC you let her know that she still has some power over you. But, it doesn't seem like she's intersted in taking advanage of that. She would rather just be friends and I guess to ease that guilt. She would love to say to herself, "Yeah, we're not together anymore but there's no hard feelings. Just like my ex-husband!" But, it does seem like she's convinced you two are going to be friends once you "cool down" a bit. 2
Cogee Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Maybe it's just me but I'm missing the part where you got closure. She lost feelings for you but can't put a reason and can't explain why she didn't mention anything. Either she is hiding something or she is just as neglectful as you in the relationship. 1
purplereigncb Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 I said worse things than you. I think you were pretty easy on her. You will never get the answer you are looking for. You just want to see if there's a little opening so that you could win her back. She said no go. 2
SharkTooth Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 js, Your conversation went just like mine. The false hope, being selfish, not wanted to give it a chance, can't we be friends. Did she mention finding herself? Unlike you, I stayed LC for like over 3 months. Then one day I just decided to ask about reconciliation. Pow, right between the eyes! At least she was honest and as much as it hurt, I'm thankful for that. I sent her a letter and I went no contact like over a month ago. My ex was a little surprised by me not accepting the friendship request and I told her the same thing you did. She said "but we have so much in common" and "we'd be awesome friends". I told her not now. She's hit me a few times with little questions, like a recipe she wanted. I blocked her on FB, deleted all her text and pics, everything I could think that would remind me of her. I finally listened to everyone on here. I'll tell you one thing, today is a much better day then it's ever been and a hell of a lot better then when she dumped me. But I'm sure that's pretty hard for you to comprehend right now. I know what you mean about the closure thing. I felt the same way in she got the closure. What helped me was writing a letter to her and saying good bye as if I was the one dumping her. It's hard to explain but I worked on the letter for a week or so until it was perfect and then sent it. It was closure for me and I moved on. She replied and I haven't looked back since. Yes I'm still on that screwed up ride, but it's slowing down a bit and not as bumpy. Hang in there. I wish you the best 1
Lost Fish Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 js1967, You're just fine man. Believe me. I've done everything you've done. Only with more begging, pleading, and general self-destruction, lol... live and learn brother. I agree with others here that you may have actually been the one to get closure out of this last conversation with her. The fact that she can be so indifferent to you sort of proves that she has completely lost all emotional attachment to you. My guess as to what happened is that she just lost the spark with you when things became too familiar - as you became too comfortable. It happens. She could have chosen to talk to you about it and work on things, but she didn't. And she may or may not have interest to an outside person, but you will probably never know that until some sorry bastard blurts out that she's with the next guy in front of you. But it's no matter now. Start really accepting that it's over. Like, really let yourself feel those crummy feelings of abandonment and hopelessness and all that. Then you'll start to heal and realize you're still alive. And after that you'll find yourself feeling attracted to new women again. And then it's game on. Good luck to you man. 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Hey js1967. I can relate. I too just got dropped after a 3 year relationship. Were engaged for 18 months. Like you, she was working on this for at least 6 months. I think even longer. Maybe 8, 10 or even 12 months. Hard to say exactly when I really noticed a change. But I, like you, didn't want to see or except the facts. More and more distance. All but zero physical activity. The sucky thing is, that I know I had a hand in this outcome too. Not all her fault. In fact I really can't blame her at all. She was unhappy by our increasingly transparent incompatibilities... 1
Author js1967 Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 All good stuff here. I really appreciate the insight. I swear I hate standing around going WTF???? Its like some sad bruno mars song I swear, which is the crazy part. I try and position myself as her and her as me, If I didnt love her, I wouldnt want to hurt her, I would just want to get rid of her as quick and painless as I could and move on. She definitely had lost the romantic attachment , I explained that to her, that SHE was in a different place then me at breakup. She was disconnected, I was connected. Oh well, live and learn, I could have done a better job in the relationship myself. Im focusing on the positives in my life and going to stop trying to waste so much time trying to figure it out. I designed a small tattoo which she had done on her foot. She wont forget me, thats for sure., Thanks all. Good luck!
mtnbiker3000 Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 All mine has to remember me is the engagement ring I gave her 18 months ago... I thought about asking for it back, but what's the point. I don't want it. It wouldn't be worth **** to pawn, and she really likes it... She can keep it
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