IAmRobot Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 (edited) Hello again everyone, So long story short, been dating this girl who I honestly felt really good with. Things progressed and we got closer. I stopped seeing other people, she did too... although she seemed a bit hung up on her ex. I asked her where this is going (about a month ago)... she said she needs time, but she likes what we have a lot. Last weekend we went to San Francisco on a short roadtrip. She absolutely loved it and I felt a lot, a lot more like she was into me. Unfortunately I also caught her in a few things I did not like. - She lied to me about "taking a cab back home a certain night last week(from a club)". I know a guy she met there drove her and her friend back home. I am positive she didn't do anything with the guy, but I didn't like the lie. - She's really out there for now. Likes partying and the attention random guys can give her. (She says she hasn't always been like that, just since she hasn't had a bf for a year). She told me about this guy that asked her out and when I asked her what she answered, she showed me her convo with the guy. She didn't accept his invitation, but the way she was talking was very flirty, lots of smilies and like she was totally into him. (i.e"Oh I wish I had your life :P") - Honestly I don't see a reason for her to commit to me. I already made her understand she's my priority and she didn't. She can keep whatever we have while not making it official and still keeping her party life. - On the other hand I am 100% sure her feelings for me are growing. ... I am not sure what to do really. Keep it going. Play small games... Right now after the amazing weekend I am just pulling back a bit and trying to give her the time to miss me. Pretty much just answerign to her initiating contact at least for a week or so. Not sure if I should just be ready to walk away in case she doesn't chase too much Edited March 12, 2013 by IAmRobot
Star Gazer Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 How long have you been dating and how many dates?
Author IAmRobot Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 How long have you been dating and how many dates? Been dating for ~8 months. Very casual at the beginning (i.e once in a week or two), now we see each other ~3x/week. She hasn't been on a "date" with another guy in 4 months. I haven't been on a date with another girl in 2.
iKING Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Make it and break it. Distance yourself, she doesn't seem too keen on commitment at this point, but this is isolated incidents, so if those are your only two examples, it could be an entirely different story. Either way I'd say don't chase this one too closely, let her come to you if she decides you're what she really wants.
CarrieT Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 - She lied to me about "taking a cab back home a certain night last week(from a club)". I know a guy she met there drove her and her friend back home. I am positive she didn't do anything with the guy, but I didn't like the lie. Have you confronted her about the lie? It sounds like she likes the comfort of having you around with the ability to go out and play and party. If you are serious about her, tell her and be honest about it and how you feel about her lifestyle. She may want to start settling down from the partying lifestyle if she knows it may mean losing you. I would give her the opportunity to make the decision before summarily dumping her.
Author IAmRobot Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 (edited) To answer the above. - I just distanced myself this week. (it's been a few days.) She's been initiating a lot. I've been replying just not too keen on the convos, replying a few hours after and not inviting her to stuff I do. On one hand I feel like this might just put her into "self-preservation" mode and ruin whatever we built this past weekend on that getaway (which was STRONG)... But I guess if she really wants me that won't happen. EDIT: As you say these are the "isolated" incidents. I am more pissed that she keeps text-flirting with other guys, although I know for a fact they mean nothing to her and I am not sure how can I make that stop. Other than that, she is very thoughtful, wakes me up cuddling me, the sex is more than great, we've started to exchange "properties" (as in parts of our bodies) and she said last time that soon we will just own all of each other, to which I replied with a teasing "we'll see :P". - I haven't confronted her about the lie (her friend told me and I don't want mad drama btw her and her bff and me). I know she probably just didn't tell me, cuz she knew it might have ruined what we had. I have told her about the "party" life and how she likes attention from guys (when we talked about things in her personality I don't like). She's admitted to it. Says it's just been this last year since she needed to supress some problems.. (I know for a fact she was suuuuchhhh a goody goody girl before). She says that now she doesn't derive as much fun from partying anymore and has agreed with me that partying is just a "pleasure". It's fine to indulge once in a while, but at the end of the day it won't bring happiness. On the other hand, I myself was a pretty big partier until I met this girl, so I am trying to show her that I care a lot, that's why I don't know if going cold is the best option.... but I guess we ll find out. I am very serious with her. But part of me thinks that I am just into the image that I had about her. (I.e I've known her for a long while, and before last year she was pure GF material)... and Idk if that can be reverted anymore. Edited March 12, 2013 by IAmRobot
iKING Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Pandora's box wants to be opened. This is a delicate situation, go too cold, she'll leave, go too hot, she'll leave. Let her know what's on your mind, see her reaction, then observe her behavior. If your lifestyles are too different, then it may not work out anyways.
Star Gazer Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 I read your other threads. You started this off casual and told her you didn't want anything serious, and now you are trying to change the game on her mid-stride. She bought in to the casual/not-serious deal you offered, and you're now being a little impatient in wanting her to catch up with you all of a sudden. 1
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Interesting insight from the preceding poster... I'm a big fan of communicating in situations like this. Tell her how you feel about her, that those feelings have really grown. Tell her where you are now at in your relationship, the behaviors (i.e. fibs, flirting texts) that bother you, etc. Then let her know that you would really like to be serious, she means a lot to you, and ask her what she wants now that you've been dating for eight months. Game playing has no place here. Since you are changing the ground rules, you need to lay your cards out on the table so to speak.
Author IAmRobot Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 She bought in to the casual/not-serious deal you offered, and you're now being a little impatient in wanting her to catch up with you all of a sudden. Thanks. I think this is really spot on. So should I just keep doing what I'm doing? I feel like if I don't give her the gift of missing me, she will never want to "catch" me. On the other hand, I fear that if I let her miss me, she will go back into our "initial agreement".
iKING Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Thanks. I think this is really spot on. So should I just keep doing what I'm doing? I feel like if I don't give her the gift of missing me, she will never want to "catch" me. On the other hand, I fear that if I let her miss me, she will go back into our "initial agreement". Games work for picking up members of the opposite sex. Games do not work for sustaining a real relationship. Do what feels like the right thing to do. 3
Author IAmRobot Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 Games work for picking up members of the opposite sex. Games do not work for sustaining a real relationship. Do what feels like the right thing to do. GRRRR. I am sooooo in a dilemma.... I kind of wanna experiment with leaving her alone for a bit and see how she'll react. If anything, for future experience Also she doesn't seem "infatuated" with me (I've had a few girls be head over heels for me, but not her, her interest is just "I like you" kind of thing) On the other hand, I really wanna give her a call and chat tonight. After staying 24/7 with each other, it's been so calm for 2 days. EDIT: I think I ll leave her alone (with just responding normally to her initiating). I am almost sure she ll want to get together soon.
Star Gazer Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 If you want a real relationship, you need to drop the pontificating and contemplation of gamesmanship and have a very open and honest discussion with her about how you feel and what you want. Period.
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 (edited) Games work for picking up members of the opposite sex. Games do not work for sustaining a real relationship. Do what feels like the right thing to do. This is spot on! Playing games doesn't work in a relationship. Your pickup nonsense is geared to tricking women into hookups, not relationships. It got you hookup behavior from a woman who ordinarily had been girlfriend material before becoming involved with you. She's giving you what game playing gets you. Seems you want more of the same? Otherwise why continue with games? Edited March 12, 2013 by Cutiepie1976
Author IAmRobot Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 If you want a real relationship, you need to drop the pontificating and contemplation of gamesmanship and have a very open and honest discussion with her about how you feel and what you want. Period. I just don't wanna pressure her into something she isn't sure about.
Star Gazer Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 I just don't wanna pressure her into something she isn't sure about. You want a relationship. You're clearly unhappy and anxiety ridden that you don't have a relationship with her. Would you rather talk to her and see if she's open to a real relationship, and find out NOW, or remain unhappy and anxiety ridden and playing lame games that will only get you more of what you already have? An emotionally healthy person will not feel pressured if they want the same things you do.
Author IAmRobot Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 You want a relationship. You're clearly unhappy and anxiety ridden that you don't have a relationship with her. Would you rather talk to her and see if she's open to a real relationship, and find out NOW, or remain unhappy and anxiety ridden and playing lame games that will only get you more of what you already have? An emotionally healthy person will not feel pressured if they want the same things you do. The thing is she doesn't know what she wants. If I really push for it she'll probably be down, but do I want that? Then I ll always wonder if it was me who made her decision for her... She says because of my past (I used to date multiple girls all my life) she is still cautious about me. I have tried to tell and show her that I care in many ways, and in someway it has gotten us closer... but I don't see that infatuation that I've seen in other girls happening, just because I am no mystery anymore. I gave in to your guys advice (unfortunately maybe ) and just called her up. We're hanging out on thursday. Sunday is our anniversary kind of... Was thinking that maybe I should do something cool and just ask her to be my gf. And if she doesn't then.... too bad for her.
Star Gazer Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Your anniversary? You could be totally wasting your time. It's been 8 months. She either wants more by now, or not. The only way to know is to TALK TO HER about what YOU are looking for.
Author IAmRobot Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 (edited) Your anniversary? You could be totally wasting your time. It's been 8 months. She either wants more by now, or not. The only way to know is to TALK TO HER about what YOU are looking for. Well we've known each other for a while, but we first hung out last year on st pattys. Truth be told though, I know she is not there yet.... Like I said she doesn't know what she wants. She just knows she feels really good with me. There are plenty of good signs... she gets jealous, she does stuff for me, she has introduced me to her friends, she creeps on my facebook once in a while, she tells me almost everything about her life and about the guys that hit on her. There is also bad signs... like the ones I laid out at the beginning of this thread... Maybe Im just getting brainwashed. Should have just went NC for the week and let her come to me. :S And although we've been seeing each other for a while, we've only been talking about wanting more than casual for 2-3 months. EDIT: Lastly, being in an "official" relationship, would destabilize A LOT in our social circles, especially the one where we know each other from. Edited March 13, 2013 by IAmRobot
Star Gazer Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 What is the question then? You've used the word STALEMATE and the phrase "make it or break it" in your thread title, which makes it plain as day that you're at a point where a decision needs to be made. So make one, for yourself. She's either in, or out. Half-assed relationships aren't worth your time.
Author IAmRobot Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 What is the question then? You've used the word STALEMATE and the phrase "make it or break it" in your thread title, which makes it plain as day that you're at a point where a decision needs to be made. So make one, for yourself. She's either in, or out. Half-assed relationships aren't worth your time. Agreed but first off I need to stop playing games. Cheers,
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