seeing OW

[katielee]

do i want to be married to someone who does the tit for tat thing? he said it was because he was emasculated and someone paid attention to him... then I took his "fix" away from him and he found a new one... maybe he's done now.

 

We are off the original post but.... this is helpful... I just don't know if I can accept (and live with) what he did. He has to make his own choices and his choice was to stay with me but obviously he didn't heal from what I did. So here we are... mucked up stew...

[SmokeRat]

I was heavily emasculated by my wife and her OM. To the point where she believed him when he told her in a text message, "He's just a firefighter, probably going to turn to the drink like the rest of them."

 

Your husband was upset you took away his 'fix'? Fire God's Almighty. You should be his fix, you should be the one woman he sees himself ravaging. And he should be the only man you want ravaging you.

 

Maybe's do not comfort you. They do not give you solace, so that when you look at a newpapers, you don't lose it.

 

He needs to heal and so do you. But both of you need to be a level playing field, he needs to be honest and make a choice on whether he can be true to you. And you need to honest with yourself in wondering if you can take him back and love him unconditionally.

 

I know it's off the original topic, but what has been discussed here is a good backstory for why the newpapers triggered you so readily.

[NotCamelot]

It is possible. My situation is somewhat similar. I had an emotional affair 3.5 years ago. My W found out. Spent all that time trying to be the best I could be.

 

Then, last April, 11 months ago, she had a 5 -6 week A. I found out.

 

Since that time, we have been the best to each other that any two people can be. I am not saying it has been easy. It has NOT.

 

But, I want it to work, she wants it to work. It WILL work. Because we will do what ever it takes to make it.

 

BOTH of you have to want it bad enough. Since both of you are guilty of the same thing, discover what caused it and fix THAT...... there is your answer.

 

It won't be easy. It has not been easy for me. I still get triggered. But it is getting a LOT better.

 

Determination, and a true love from each of us and a very good understanding of what happened, why it happened and the will to never let it happen again.

 

But,only you can decide what is best for you. And, no one here at LS can tell you what that is.

 

My W said to me 2 weeks after D-day, we were discussing the future and the past, "Either you can live with it or you can't. I had to decide that after what you did."

 

So, I decided I can. Push it back, way back, and go back to what brought us together to begin with. It's like a new love and new marriage. It is really good.

 

It can be done.

[NotCamelot]

Also, similar to you, this May will be our 21st anniversay. To much to throw away when you really love someone.

[ComingInHot]

katilee;

 

move.

 

 

Untouchable_fire," Unless it's the Obituary section... I can see how that would be annoying."

 

I feel awful about your post. Because I smiled.

 

It's one of those thoughts that I have had and daydreamed about but never made "known". I'm past it now, but only because, well, I moved. We moved far far away. It's better than always looking in case the exow in order to look away...

[katielee]

I can do this but the fact that I HAVE to do this makes me resentful...

[NotCamelot]

Have you had any contact with OW?

 

That helped me to get past a lot of mental issues. It still cause me to revist the pain if I see him. But it's not as bad as it was before. I guess it's like the parent showing the child there is nothing hiding under the bed......when the light goes back off, it still bothers you but not as bad since you got to confront the problem.

[katielee]

the day after I caught them in the park I called her. She told me a couple things that he didn't tell me. Namely, he told her that I had had an affair (thanks hubby) and that they met one other time. She said she was going to "give it to God," or whatever....

she also told me she wasn't interested in him and that I could have him.

[katielee]

what I want is it go about my life and not be reminded of this... it was a slap in the face... and I'm worth more than that.

Every time I go shopping or to a restaurant I look around to see if either of them are there.

Not fair... sure, we could move, but hubby says that won't solve our problems.

[SmokeRat]

So nice of her to say to you 'you can have him'. Grr.

 

It is a slap in the face, that much I agree. But remember you also slapped him in the face.

 

The hypervigil you have going on right now, is normal for a BS. I've been that way for two years, and even now with the seperation/divorce being the final outcome, I'm still protective of my STBXW.

 

You're in a tough spot because of the history and time involved with your marriage. I understand that.

 

We are here to support you and will continue to do so. But as some people pointed out in my situation, at what point do you want to stop being angry, resentful and a doormat?

[katielee]

smokerat - I'm not taking a slap in the face because I gave one too.

 

doormat? Do you think staying here is me being a doormat or do you think I need to just get beyond this?

[SmokeRat]

Nor should you, but your slap in the face is due to giving one. Fact.

 

Only you can truely say if you are being a doormat, we are simply looking from the outside into the world you've painted for us.

 

He's cheated twice, and made no truely remorseful actions about it. You are still triggering and having doubts.

 

What has he done to alleviate those things?

 

The worst thing you can do, is continue to live in an environment where you feel degraded, lied to, cheated on and generally a second class citizen.

 

If he isn't doing anything to help you, while still reaping the benefits of being married to you, and you tolerate that, then yes, you are being a doormat.

[katielee]

he's doing what he can... he just doesn't want to move. we go to MC and we both have individual therapists.... they all encourage us to "move forward."

 

how can I say to him, "if I see one of them one more time... I'm out." it's not his fault they live here. But he's the one who **** in the front yard. Do I accept that because I had an affair too?

 

Here's the thing - I don't want to look back on my life in 5 years with regrets - for staying or leaving... sometimes little things build up and end up weighing heavily on a person without them noticing it.

 

Who would stay with a person after they had two affairs? If I hadn't had my affair I wouldn't be here... so I'm staying because I owe him? Sick.

[SmokeRat]

My wife had multiple affairs with the same man for over 2 years.

 

I stayed, because I wanted to work on things.

 

Ask yourself this, is he TRUELY remorseful for what he did?

 

No you do not have to accept his affair because you had one. Two wrongs do not make a right (except in certain cases). Never accept what he did, but learn to move around it.

 

Regrets are going to be something you just have to live with. I have regrets in my current arrangement with my wife. All the 'what if's' that pop up in my head.

 

What if I cared for her, what if I was more loving, what if I shared more of my thoughts with her. Blah blah blah. What if's will kill you. Drop them. Regret will just come with the territory, but from what I hear, it will eventually fade.

 

Only you can say why you are staying, but I assume it's because of love. You couldn't have stayed married to him for so long, if you didn't truely, deeply love him. I understand how the feels, and how scary it can be to let that go. I'm in the process of it right now.

 

You have no control over the OW, accept that. If they are walking down the street, and you see them, you need to be able to seperate them from where you are now.

 

Is your husband will with them? Nope, he is with you. YOU have him, not THEM. And to the OW who said 'you can have him', I hope she gets nailed by a GO Train. =p

[katielee]

yes, he's remorseful. no, he's not with them.

Yes, I need to accept that this is part of my marital history and I'm fighting against that. I'm fighting that I have to accept so much to stay married.

[SmokeRat]

And we understand that.

 

Some people can accept it, some cannot. Fighting, shows that you care, that you REALLY do want to accept it and move forward.

 

That's healthy. There are lots of people that just up and leave after, and then regret it years ago.

 

I do not regret the past two years I tried to make it work with my wife. When this is all finished in the next few months, I can leave my house with my head held high and know that I tried. I tried really f'ing hard, and that's all I can do.

 

Accepting I think is the wrong word, in my mind accepting means to just give into and give up. I think the better word is acknowledge. Let's use that.

 

You acknowledge your husbands affairs and know that it's something you will have to live with for the rest of your martial time together.

 

Both of you know what doesn't work, now use that knowledge and find what does work.

[katielee]

I dont' know what I want, apparently...

no, he did not fall in love. I caught the first affair in 28 days and the 2nd in three weeks. I think he was just using these women for validation because he was broken from what I did.

If that's the case, I don't know why I'm struggling with acceptance and forgiveness.

[katielee]

I don't hate them, I'm not jealous, but if things are going along fine and then I see them it's like dang, he really did do that....,

It's not acceptable in my life. I don't need ANY more trauma in my life....,