katielee Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 what would you do if you occasionally saw the OW in the paper. This weekend I was having my morning coffee, reading the paper, and there was a full page ad with her picture. UGH. It's not fair!
SmokeRat Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 I had the same thing happen to me. OM was in the paper for his contributions to our community. Contributions, ha. The man contributed by helping coach a little league soccer team for winter months. The same soccer team my Fire Hall donated $15,000 dollars (of our wage) to the same year. He got front page, we got a small type up at the end of it. Each one of us on our shift donated a weeks wage. Just chock it up to bad luck, and hope she's eaten by a plague of locusts =p. Regardless, what they display in public is just a lie. Take solace in knowing what they truely are, and what they know they are. 1
NotCamelot Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 I would avoid the paper. I sometimes see my Ws AP on Facebook. Therefore, I avoid it as well.....fortunatley I can block 99% of any content with that azzhole in it. Just the sight causes immediate pain and hurt. I understand what you mean.
Author katielee Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 that's just it. I shouldn't have to avoid the paper. This is my home and my hometown paper... accepting that he did what he did means accepting the sh$t that accompanies it as well and I'm fighting against it.
SmokeRat Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 And you cannot avoid the paper. You cannot avoid the reality of your situation. Believe me, you need to accept the situation and find what works for you. I tried to sugar coat my wife's multiple affairs, I tried to rationalize them, find logic in something that is in it's true nature, pure chaos. Accept it. Own it. Do not let it own you, as I did for nearly 2 years. That's two years of my life I will never get back, two years of my life that I lost happiness and focus. Whether you are going through R, with your WS, I do not know. I'll research your posts later. Your H's OW, is a base line creature, who doesn't deserve your attention. She doesn't deserve anything from you, and hating her is below you. It's hard for me to say that, because I still hate my STBXW's OM. He totes himself around like a shining image of purity within the community. He is not. Let the anger and resentment out, it's healthy. Hate can be healthy, if directed. But do not let it consume you. 1
NotCamelot Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 I would avoid the "dead tree" version of the paper. Most newpapers have online versions that make it easy to avoid content. You still get to read your local paper, but you get to decide what you see......in most cases. You can be selective - like I have done with the Facebook issue.
Author katielee Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 I don't hate, I just don't want to see or be reminded... we are trying to reconcile... she is OW#2. they both live here. ugh! I told my husband when I see them it's just like another grain of sand on the pile. it stings. It's not fair. I don't want to accept that this is the reality of my life...
NotCamelot Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 If you see her a lot, is there a possiblity of moving to another area...kind of a fresh start? And, no, you shoud not have to do anything. You did not bring this on yourself. But if you are going to R, then you certainly need fewer and fewer triggers that re-start the pain.
Author katielee Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 I caught OW#2 and my husband together. He was on top of her. I will not submit myself to ANY MORE trauma from that situation in my life. Why don't people - my therapist, husband - understand this?
SmokeRat Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Then your choice in the matter is very clear. Leave. I can say this with a clear head, as I am doing just that considering my wife's infidelity and lack of love for me. Do not submit to anymore trauma beyond what a divorce will bring, and leave. 2
NotCamelot Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 I caught OW#2 and my husband together. He was on top of her. I will not submit myself to ANY MORE trauma from that situation in my life. Why don't people - my therapist, husband - understand this? Because they are not the ones on the receiving end of betrayal. I got the message very clearly in a text from my W on d-day. She said: "How does it feel to have the one person you thought would never hurt you rip your heart out?" I knew then that part of her A was revenge. But that statement really sums up how the betrayed partner feels. And, in most cases, I don't think the cheating partner understands that at all. 1
SmokeRat Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 I'll make it clear why therapists and WS's do not understand your situation: 1). Therapist: you're paying them, the longer you stay in therapy the more money they make. 2). WS (in your case, Husband): Cake Eater. 2
freestyle Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 There's nothing you can do except avoid the paper. I DO understand how it can be triggering to unexpectedly see the face of someone who participated in causing you pain....(BTDT) If it happens again--maybe it would help to grab a marker, and have fun *altering* her picture. It could help to release some of the pent-up anger, & feel empowering....who cares if it's a junior high type of thing to do? It's not hurting anyone--it's just to help you. 2
Author katielee Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 I didn't sign up for pain. I have to accept it no matter what.. staying or leaving...
Author katielee Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 I think he's geniunely sorry for what he did. He is devoted to me now.. but we have to decide if we can live here now... He wants to stay. This is my home, I don't want to leave...
dreamingoftigers Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Sometimes when we've been through so much emotional upheaval we cling to the framework in our lives. Unfortunately I clung like mad to my home, now it feels kind of like a prison because there are haunting memories for me. I move at the end of August, that should alleviate a lot of it. If your husband still doesn't "get it," you will spend years trying to explain it, and it will only frustrate you to the point where he needs a sharp kick in the head to what he is losing. My husband needed to see that having the relationship broken and stressing him out in school etc. FINALLY showed him that YES, one partner's behaviour can have a HUGE, STRESSFUL impact on the other. He has to lose something, maybe you, for instance until he gets it. 2 OW in town? I would move. Even just to a different house to change things up. You are always going to remember sad, dark nights sobbing to yourself while your asswipe husband traumatized you in a way that he can't empathize with. As for you therapist, they NEVER get trauma unless they have experienced in. You get some achiever that just "wants to help" that has never experienced real grief or betrayal and they'll tell you to just "get over it." and "forgive" and "why are we still on this?" Because the biggest issues they've faced have been exams or taking the dog to the vet. No one tells you how painful this is, ever. 2
Author katielee Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 forgiveness means accepting that I'll be triggered once in a while, right? I just don't know if I can do it....
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 what would you do if you occasionally saw the OW in the paper. This weekend I was having my morning coffee, reading the paper, and there was a full page ad with her picture. UGH. It's not fair! Unless it's the Obituary section... I can see how that would be annoying. 6
SmokeRat Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 He needs to accept that you are going to be an emotional train wreck for the forseeable future. You are going to trigger, and he needs to be there to hold and help you during those times. So he better be ready for the rollercoaster, since he put you on the ride. 1
NotCamelot Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 katielee, How long ago was D-Day for you? There is a really wild and long emotional rollercoaster ride after that day. And any things that are reminders, i.e. songs, tv shows, restaurants, AP, will cause an emotional response that can sometimes start the hurt all over again. Though it is usually lessend by time, it may take a very long time before you are not affected by it, if ever. Have you spoken to that woman? In my case, and others, that can help some. It did help me a good bit. The the sight of the scum still triggers me. 1
Author katielee Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 smokerat - I think he is... but there is nothing he can do to take it away. It's been 11 months since I caught him... I feel better. But I want to honor myself by not putting up with any more crap. SEeing them is crap. I guess I keep saying the same thing - I need to accept it, move or leave him. 1
SmokeRat Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Katie, listen love. My wife cheated on me three weeks after our engagement, I only found out by walking in on them the following year after getting off work early. It was devastating, and more so, because they went underground with the affair for another year and a bit. Only you know what you are emotionally capable of. But I learned something, at least in my instance: -she cheated on me for 2.5 years, and knew from the get go she didn't love me. Someone who cheats once, fine that was a mistake, people make mistakes. But your husband did it twice, TWICE. Why? What has he done to change himself? HE NEEDS TO CHANGE. Don't you put a god damn ounce of effort into him and this relationship until he owns what he did, and is truely remorseful. My wife wasn't any of those things, and here I am with a divorce on my shoulders. Other here coached me, that my relationship was over, but I did not listen to them. I continued to delude myself with my White Knight Syndrome, and it did not end well. There isn't anything he can do to repair the damage he did, or the mind movies that will plague you. What he can do, is support you with as much love as he can muster. With all the understanding in the world, and to understand that he is the proverbial punching bag while you heal. 3
Author katielee Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 Smokerat - he was faithful for 24 years. and then I had an affair and confessed. 6 months later, his affair number 1. 3 months later, his affair number 2. I caught him both times. . also, one phone call to OW#2 this December that was business only but he didn't tell me about it. I had to find out on the phone bill... you can see how complicated this is...
SmokeRat Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 It is. Again only you can make that choice to stay or leave. Having had your own affair on your husband, you have an inside view of what happens during an affair. As such, perhaps you have some understanding of why your husband did what he did. I can see why his first affair happened, out of spite and revenge. It's not excusable and your husbands actions were/are as horrible as your own. However, the Tit for Tat thing was over with, there was no need to go for Affair #2. I'm sorry for your situation, we're all here to help you as we can. There will be people more experience than I who can speak about this, but I'll step in with my limited experience anyway. My wife lied and continued to lie to me, she took advantage of the upbringing my father drilled into me, that I am to abide by an archaic code of honour, morals and values. At some point, you need to stop feeling like a doormat, and he needs to be the one to make you feel like that. He needs to let go of his anger and resentment towards you, and you need to let go of the anger and resentment toward him. It is the only way both of you can heal and R. You have 24 years of marriage. I have just under 2 years, since it would be 2 years this September. My knowledge on the subject of marriage is but a rain drop compared to your lake of experience. 1
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