Messy one - my ex doesn't believe I (29) love her (28). Is there any way to save this

[doubleornothing]

This is fairly long and complicated, so bear with me.

 

I broke up with my girlfriend (V) four months ago because I didn't think she was right for me. In fact, the entire time we were together (8 months) I wasn't sure about it. During this time, I was in a pretty bad place - I was moving cities, had no job, no real core group of friends and my mother was really ill. At the time I think I just got caught up in it all and I was just enjoying the security of being in a relationship. When I decided to break things off, it was the day before I was about to go on holiday and I did it over the phone because I wasn't in the same city as her. She was understandably pretty angry with me but in the heat of the moment I couldn't think how else to go about it and I just kind of panicked. Of course I apologised more than humanly possible, but she was pretty pissed for a while.

 

Anyway, we didn't speak to each other for about a month, but it proved tough because we shared the same friendship group and knew that inevitably we would have to eventually. I had actually started to really regret the breakup, but she wouldn't talk to me because of how angry she still was. A friends party was coming up which was actually at her house, so we had a bit of a reconciliation and making up before we saw each other that night. We told each other how much we missed each other etc etc and when the party came, we got really drunk and slept together. In the morning she asked me how I felt about us and I said I wasn't sure. Then she sent me a massively long message about how heartbroken she was and how much she missed me. I felt awful, and as a result, my flatmate J (who also happens to be both one of mine and V's really good friends) gave me the third degree for messing her around. I told her I didn't know why it happened and genuinely felt really bad about it.

 

But something didn't feel right - I couldn't stop thinking about her and over the next few weeks, V and i started to talk again (A LOT). We ended up kissing again one night (for which I got shouted at again by J) and she told me she loved me. To be honest, it kind of floored me, but I suddenly viewed her differently. I started to really miss her...I started to question all the things that caused me to break up in the first place and for every little thing that I thought about, I realised it wasn't down to her, but down to issues that I had with my own self, and they had been fueled by how miserable I had been before I moved. I began to realise that the reason the relationship had not worked out is because I had become obsessed with this idea of a perfect girl - one that would tick every single box, and to be honest V did a pretty damn good job of ticking most of them, I had just failed to see it before. I gave it some real thought and I decided to ask her to give it another chance. She said she needed to think about it, but seemed to respond positively. At this point, we were keeping our communication on the sly from J because I couldn't deal with the constant badgering about it (she is one of the most controlling non-compassionate people you will ever meet).

 

The weekend came and we ended up sleeping together again. It felt perfect, and I was really happy, but for some reason I still couldn't tell J. Anyway, V asked me to come and hang out again the next day and I told her I was worried about what J might say, so maybe it was for the best I didn't. Then we got into this long conversation about how if I couldn't admit to J, we had just stepped back a month and she could no longer think of me as an option - to which I stupidly agreed. But I instantly regretted it and asked her to hang out the following day. I couldn't understand why I had such a problem with admitting to J that I was seeing V again and it really bothered me, especially since I felt so strongly about her. So I decided to start seeing a counsellor to talk through my problems. I had a few of sessions, and it started to become clear why I had been behaving the way I did throughout mine and V's relationship and the breakup. I discovered a lot about myself and I felt like I'd made massive steps towards trying to fix some of these issues. In this time, I realised that I had actually fallen in love with her, so I decided to stop being an idiot about it, told J everything and promptly went over to V's to confess.

 

The problem was, it was too late by then - she told me she just couldn't take the risk because she would constantly be worrying I might change my mind again. She told me she didn't believe I loved her and that I was just trying to grasp at something while the rest of my life was still a bit shaky. To be honest, I can hardly blame her from the evidence, but I was utterly distraught, because I meant every word, she just couldn't see it. I'd worked so hard to understand my behaviour, and I finally felt like I was starting to come to terms with them, but it was too late, she didn't want to know. And so the following week I had a bit of a break down - I sent her lengthy explanation emails, cut contact, couldn't sleep, eat and probably did all the tell-tale things you shouldn't do if you want someone back. But I felt miserable - I had another chance, I ****ed it up, she didn't believe me, and it was all my fault.

 

Since then, I have apologised for my behaviour, and we are back on talking terms. She has told me she knows we can be 'amazing friends', but it doesn't really make me feel better. We have had a couple of lengthy conversations just about nothing in particular, but not every day like we used to. I saw her this weekend when we were out very briefly, but it was just in passing. She told me she didn't think I was going to be there (though I know that's not true). I think I should mention that a few months after we broke up, she started hanging out with a guy who was friends with her flatmate. When I asked her to give things another go, she told him to back off a bit, but since we had the final conversation she has gone back to seeing him. I don't particularly like it, but I have accepted it and I want her to know that. I'm quite sure she'll end up dating this guy if I'm honest.

 

 

And this is where I am now - I have fallen completely and utterly in love with V, but she doesn't believe me (and for good reason). I feel like I have a bit of a dilemma because in a normal breakup, if one person doesn't feel the same way, then the other person should just get on with their life and for want of a better phrase "show the other person what they're missing," but I feel like I'm in the opposite situation where she doesn't want to be with me because she doesn't believe my true feelings for her. Does that make sense?

 

I know now there is absolutely nothing I can say to make her see this, so what can I do? Shall I just suck it up and be her friend, show her how I've changed and then hope for the best? I feel like I need to stick it out for the long-haul if she's really going to know how I feel. Frustrated and fed up.

 

 

Edit: I'm seeing her tonight for a catch up, I don't want to **** it up. At the moment I think I want to do the following: Tell her I'm sorry for everything that happened, tell her I know she's seeing someone else and I'm happy for her and that I am always going to be there for her. Advice?

Edited March 12, 2013 by doubleornothing

[doubleornothing]

Ha. After reading through some of these posts, I'm maybe somewhat embarrassed by the length of mine...

[Chi townD]

 

I know now there is absolutely nothing I can say to make her see this, so what can I do? Shall I just suck it up and be her friend, show her how I've changed and then hope for the best? I feel like I need to stick it out for the long-haul if she's really going to know how I feel. Frustrated and fed up.

 

 

 

Here's the deal. You are not her friend. I'm sure you didn't get into a relationship with her for the end result is you being nothing more than an "amazing friend" to her.

 

Can you be friends in the future? Sure, as long as you have NO romantic feelings for her at all. That when you think of her, all you think of is indifference. If you become friends with her now, that going to hurt when you sit with her having coffee but she has to go because she has a date. It's going to hurt knowing that you want her back and she's giving her attention and affection to someone else and you're left there wishing it was you.

 

You're meeting up with her (if she doesn't cancel on you first) and you both have different end results in mind. You want to show her that you've changed and you want another shot and her's is to try and get you in the "friend zone" so she can stop feeling bad about the break up.

 

Bottomline, she doesn't want to get back with you. She doesn't think you're worth the risk. (hurts to read that, I know). But, that's her loss. If you know you can change and you know that you can make positive improvements to your life, then another girl is going to benefit from the new you. You gave your Ex the opportunity to meet the new you and she's taking a pass. Her loss. You need to move on. It isn't fair to yourself to stay in a holding pattern while she gets on with her life and meeting new guys and going on dates while you're waiting on the sidelines praying that she'll throw you a bone.

 

Time for NC. COMPLETE NO CONTACT! This isn't a punishment to her (actually, I don't think she'll care) this is a time to heal and move on. To lose those romantic feelings for her. If you're in constant contact, those feeling won't go away. You need to heal, stay NC an work on your self improvements.

[doubleornothing]

This seems like good advice, except we are going to see each other out and about because of mutual friends, so I have to be able to be civil with her! The no contact thing is gonna be impossible really.

[Chi townD]

Now, you're just making excuses to see her. Okay, the you need to limit contact (and avoid it as much as possible). I'm sure that when you go out she can't be there all the time. I'm pretty sure that you don't have massive parties EVERY weekend.

 

Nothing stopping you from contact a select few to go on a whitewater rafting trip, or rock climbing, or deep sea fishing....you know, guy stuff where girls wouldn't find as enjoyable as guys do and wouldn't mind sitting out that particular adventure.