Ruthieo Posted September 7, 2004 Posted September 7, 2004 Well Here is the deal Ok heres the deal . . . I meet this guy last October We started a long distance relationship Things progressed really fast and We got engaged about 4 months after meeting each other. We would talk on the phone every night for about 4 or 5 hours. We were really open with each other about what we wanted and how we felt about each other. But through out the whole relationship I was scared that he was not going to ask me to marry him. And I thought "Ok if things stay good and I don't make him mad or upset him once we get engaged I won't have anything to worry about because I know he will be with me for life." I thought that when people asked you to marry them they were making the life long commitment then and not at the Alter. I mean Why wouldn't they. When I told him I would marry him I meant that I was giving everything I had to him for the rest of my life. I would be moved to his state, Leaving my whole family all of my friends and starting a new life with him. So when we got engaged. and even then I still had that feeling that he was going to leave me any day. Well I completed drained myself working to get money and buy my dress and get everything I needed. My WHOLE social life ended. Well then in May he woke up and decided he didn't want to marry me. I had no I idea he was even having doubt. I told him I was going to come and see him and he told me he didn't want to marry me. Not really the response I was looking for huh. Well It felt like everything had just burned to the ground. I mean I had ended everything when it came to relationships and friends. My world had really ended. NOT JUST SAYING THAT! It really did. Well then I met this Other guy. We started talking and dating. And He tells me he loves me and He is so great. No one has ever treated me the way he treats me. He makes me his number one priority. That is what I have always wanted. I am just scared, I can't tell if I really love him. . We talk about marriage and he wanted to marry me when about next year sometime. I know that from the last relationship I still want to be marry and have a family. But how do I know If I am in love with the idea of being married or in love with HIM. HELP ME FIGURE THIS OUT I AM SO CONFUSED
arnicka Posted September 7, 2004 Posted September 7, 2004 Originally posted by Ruthieo And I thought "Ok if things stay good and I don't make him mad or upset him once we get engaged I won't have anything to worry about because I know he will be with me for life." With you thinking that I think you're giving away a lot of your power as a woman and looking to this man to fulfill your needs, to give you approval. When I told him I would marry him I meant that I was giving everything I had to him for the rest of my life. I would be moved to his state, Leaving my whole family all of my friends and starting a new life with him. So when we got engaged. and even then I still had that feeling that he was going to leave me any day. If you loved him and were comfortable in the relationship, why did you feel he would leave you? Have you been abandoned in the past or was this just an "out of the blue" feeling.... Well I completed drained myself working to get money and buy my dress and get everything I needed. My WHOLE social life ended. Well It felt like everything had just burned to the ground. I mean I had ended everything when it came to relationships and friends. My world had really ended. NOT JUST SAYING THAT! It really did. I don't believe this was a healthy thing to do. No man is pure gold and diamonds enough to throw away the people you care most about or the things that are closest to your heart. Well then I met this Other guy. We started talking and dating. And He tells me he loves me and He is so great. No one has ever treated me the way he treats me. He makes me his number one priority. That is what I have always wanted. OK this may sound a bit too pop-psych, but what about making yourself your #1 priority? Why do you feel that a man has to do that for you? We talk about marriage and he wanted to marry me when about next year sometime. I know that from the last relationship I still want to be marry and have a family. But how do I know If I am in love with the idea of being married or in love with HIM. Yea, it sounds to me like you idealize your relationships a lot, and that can be all right in the beginning when there are fireworks etc but things later on settle down... Do you love him when you see all the dust from the fireworks? All his warts and that, loving that, loving yourself and your imperfections. It takes a lot of honesty in marriage and a lot of work. If he says he loves you believe him until you have a reason to doubt it. I've been on the road you are on and it's scary and disheartening and all but the best attitude for me has been to take an honest look and an honest inventory. Take care, arnicka
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