Sorting Things With His Ex, Feelings For Me, Not Holding Me Back - Thoughts?

[congenial]

I apologize that this is so long. Short story: we date and are super happy, major life stresses and his ex emerge at the same time, he takes time to be single and finds overwhelming curiosity over ex so he decides to get closure with her.

 

His ex:

His first everything, from the same home town. left him when she got to college to be single (when she actually had a new guy lined up) -July 2011- and because of a lack of interest after theyd been together a year and a half. they would hook up and almost get back together (or so he thought) several times, but she still lacked enough interest and said she only had "residual feelings." one time they are basically back together for about 2 months before she goes off the radar. she keeps in touch as friends throughout all of this with him (on and off) and will tell him whoever he is trying to see isnt good enough, etc. they had a lot of problems during all of these semi-attempts at rekindling (he complained that she spent all her time on social media, didnt enjoy sex with him, was very clingy and demanding, had few friends, was talking to other guys behind his back). She tells him it is NEVER going to happen around Jan 2012 after they have not been intimate since Sept of 2011 but still catch up as friends.

Us:

He and I met through one of his family members that i am friends with and became friends and lived in the same building for three months so we saw each other and hung out regularly. I didnt know he had a crush on me the entire time until later. he doesn't ask me on a date for months and I tell him it is too soon after my break up to pursue it but we hang out as friends nearly every day from this point on. We begin casually dating in Winter and become official by Year End when I say I am ready. During this time, I am dating around, he is not (we were both honest about it). It was complete bliss, the happiest I've ever been and he said the same and that it had pulled him out of a real funk just to start hanging out with me, let alone date. He took me to meet his entire family and have me stay with his childhood friends, introduced me to all his friends at our university and everyone loved me (his mom was particularly excited).

 

- He has the dreaded conversation with his ex that he has a new girlfriend and is happy and she needs to respect that. she immediately wants to talk, text, and hang out more. He sees her several times, but just for coffee and I know about it. He deleted her number and blocked her on facebook. she says this is a lot to process and she wants to be happy for him.

- She tells him she was really reconsidering things before and thought that hanging out was going well and is shocked to see how serious he is about me. I ask him to break contact with her.

His stress piles up:

1. His mother has serious surgery, leaving her unable to walk, causing fights between his parents that might potentially lead to a divorce.

2. his research (future career) is extremely demanding, part of his university credits, and not going well because there is so much and the data sets have to be scrapped when they dont match his partners. this is his first time doing such research

3. he overhears that his mother might have cancer, but since she doesnt know that he heard she hasnt given him any updates, leaving him in perpetual confusion

4. his living situation for next year falls through and his roommates find out he was trying to leave, causing awkward confrontations with people he now has to live with again

5. his coworkers leave for conferences for several weeks, causing him to be scheduled for 5 hour work shifts almost every single night

6. when he confronts his ex and says they cannot speak anymore she tells him for the first time since their initial relationship that she likes him again and wants to get back together and doesnt want to stop talking (she has always rejected him)

7. he goes home to visit his parents, encounters the situation there firsthand and has a breakdown, causing his parents to insist on therapy (which he is super embarrassed about)

 

later 2013

he is so busy we can barely see each other and constantly snappy because of everything that is going on. conversations about his life bring him to tears almost instantly, which he is also embarrassed of. he feels his life is spiraling out of control. He calls me to reassure me he wants to stay together and ends up crying saying he doesnt want to break up but feels he has no choice. he tells me he needs a break and some space to think about everything and I am completely supportive.

 

----

We run into each other a week later after no contact and he calls me that night to see how im doing which leads to a discussion on our relationship. he says he really cares about me and really likes me and that i am perfect, but with everything going on, his ex coming back into the picture is really confusing as he was completely over her and had accepted the end of their romantic relationship and that he is afraid he will ruin things with me if he puts me through all of his life issues. He says he wants to be with me but the curiosity of what could be with her is killing our relationship because he is obsessing over it. I continue to be supportive and not to contact him. We run into each other again several days later after the break and he suggests meeting up but does not follow up. 2.5 weeks after the break, I see him walking with his ex and several others, he is in shock and pushes her away but she grabs his arm instead and I was past them, ignoring him. He texts me asking me to come over and talk and I insist that i am coming to get my things but dont want to talk because i cant see how he can talk his way out of this one (even though he is honestly the most honest and decent guy i know and has been very upfront at every stage of this process, even when it was awful things like hearing that his feelings for his ex are resurfacing and he needs to deal with it).

 

He apologizes, saying he messed up by hanging out with her before he met up with me and that he has needed this time to explore his feelings for her because he shouldnt be in a relationship with me if he is thinking about her at all. I am blunt about the fact that if he had time to see her, he had time to see me and that is a decision he made. He says he needs more space from me because we just broke up and it is fresh. He insists that they are not hooking up (which a mutual friend says is true) and that he is really struggling between getting with an ex who has screwed him over many times just to get closure and being with me (he still says im "perfect" for him at this time), but that he was wrong to handle it that way. she has been persistent and texting/calling/crying to him/asking him to hang out while i have not contacted him first at all. by the end of the night we are joking and laughing and share an awkwardly long and tension-filled goodbye hug and he reiterates that he misses me and cares about me but needs this time to figure this out.

 

The next night he calls me and wants me to come over, but I insist on a phone call because I know the verdict. He says that he broke up with me because he was not sure what he felt about his ex, not to get with her and that his feelings for me have not changed and he still feels very strongly but that the curiosity is getting the best of him. he says that this is the first time she has pursued him and he needs to just push through it to closure with her because it all felt very unsettled every time she just "lost feelings" for him. he apologizes and says he wished he had been able to go through this process before pursuing me and that he genuinely was passed it when he pursued me, but that he cares very deeply about me and he understands completely if I move on during this time, although it scares him to think I wont be there. (Keep in mind that I made him wait through a similar situation in the very beginning although that is far less painful/more warranted/different). He says he knows this decision to let her creep back into his life was a mistake and a selfish/immature one and that he needs to close that door with her once and for all before he can really commit to anyone else again. He has decided to resume talking with her, but has not informed her yet as he wanted me to know first in case that escalates to a relationship again.

 

He asked my opinion on what was happening and I said that if he really truly wanted to know, that she only said she liked him again because he was happy and she was actually losing him (for once) and that he was letting her manipulate him because she was bored and jealous. I said that I did not think any reconciliation would last, nor would it be genuine on her part and that he was being weak and throwing away something he thought was amazing for something that always ended the same way. I said that if he came back afterwards, I would probably worry that he would always run to her when she wants him (he replied that this is what he is trying to prevent by closing that chapter since she is moving in the next 6 months) and that I would not wait for someone. I insisted that he was going to learn the hard way and that I did not want him to contact me or try to see me while he was sorting things out with her so I could work on myself. I said that even the hope of us being friends is null while they are together so I need space. He was really distraught and upset, but said he understood and then lingered on the phone breathing until I hung up.

 

His friends and the family member I am close to say that he is making a terrible mistake in giving her a chance at all and throwing away our great relationship to see things out with her. They are worried it will send him back into the same spiral and that I wont be willing to take him back afterwards.

 

Reading the post below helped me get some insight on what hes thinking:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/277221-choosing-between-first-love-my-new-girlfriend

 

except that from what he insists I would say he is a hopefully a little more interested in me than the fella in the referenced post.

 

What now?

 

We are not speaking (this last conversation occurred Saturday night - so only a couple days ago) and my intent is to wait a few more weeks (probably about a month) until I feel that I could meet with him and hear he is happily with his ex without spiraling before possibly reaching out to say we could be friends in the future (because I left it at dont talk to me and hes the type, like me, who would respect that as opposed to his ex). I am understanding of the fact that these things happen and that he has been open and honest at every turn, while his decision was selfish, immature, and ultimately regrettable. And my discussions with his friends (who approached me) reassure me that it was not a rebound (there were several of those before me that failed after only a few weeks) and that he has been interested in me since he met me and they believe he is in love with me but seeking validation from her. They also confirm that I am only the second person he has ever made his girlfriend/been intimate with and the only one other than her although we are in our 20s (while I have dated a few people).

 

So my mindset now is to get over it with the intent that:

A. I will find someone wonderful who doesnt need any last minute sorting (maybe he and i will become friends, maybe not - I am not in love although I was definitely falling, which he said was also how he felt)

B. Once he settles things with his ex and his family life, perhaps we will both be healthier individuals in different places who can try again (obviously he would have to break contact with her completely) - because i dont believe you can pick up something broken, you must start over.

 

I know most people will say "move on, forget it, you deserve better" and I am trying to do those things so dont chastise me just yet. I was genuinely the happiest i have ever been and my family and I still consider him to be one of the most amazing people we have ever met, who is in a really rough place right now and dealing with a lot of baggage that wasnt an issue at the outset of the relationship. SO I AM TRYING TO MOVE ON for myself, but still see a future and improved version of himself as a viable candidate and am not seeking negativity here, but just thoughts on:

a. if anyone has been in a similar situation

b. how genuine people think he is being (although I whole-heartedly believe him but am still firm with him)

c. and what people think possible outcomes might me.

 

Hearing people's advice is one of the ways I find best for moving forward so I REALLY APPRECIATE everyone who took the time to read such a long post and give input. I am not deluded into being like "oh he is my soulmate, yada, yada," but if he were able to genuinely move past his ex (which he says he can after this because she will be moving next year and he says he needs to let it go if this reconciliation/sorting fails), I would be able to forgive and forget as I have done what he is doing now and genuinely come back to those whose lives I disrupted. I don't feel any resentment, but more frustration that he doesn't see what our friends and I believe is a pointless and painful waste of his time that will collapse in a month or two.

Edited March 13, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[congenial]

Wow that's awful. I'm so sorry for your loss. I definitely understand that some of these women have an insane hold on the guy they keep screwing over.

[Addison312]

I think you handled this well with utmost maturity and respect for yourself. But now you have to go no contact all the way so you can move on.

[jjjman]

I think if he can move pass his ex and you two are still serious about getting back together, I think you guys should give the relationship another go. But I guess at this point, only time will time.

 

Best of luck to you both!

[crustyjojo]

Hi - I am going through something exactly the same myself right now. BF has gone back with ex due to unresolved feelings and she dumped him . His family say he is making a big mistake - they knew how their relationship was. He really upset he has hurt me and wants to remain friends. I guess I can only say time will tell, and I hope she will show her true colours as before. Hurting like hell right now, but trying to be sensible and honest and build my life back, but difficult when his family still want to keep in touch.

 

I see what you say so much in me. Trying to be reasonable and knowing that he has to sort out himself. Lots of other family issues in the background too.

 

I don't know if this helps much, but at least know someone else is going through exactly the same thing as you.