helena_is_sad Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 i met my boyfriend when we were 18 and we fell madly in love. yesterday, the day before our sixth-year anniversary, he told me he didn't love me any more and that he wanted to break up. the shock is slowly wearing off and the immense grief over what happened is starting to wash over me. when i came home yesterday, i typed my problem into google (how stupid, right...) and found out there were such a large number of people in the same situation. so i decided to write this here because it's... i don't know.sometimes people who don't know you can help you more than everyone else. i just don't know how to deal with this. he's broken up with me twice over the six years. both times he said that his feelings have changed, that he didn't love me any more and that he wanted to see other people, but then he'd change his mind within a couple of days and tell me he loved me, that he didn't know what came over him, what he'd do without me...the first time it happened we'd been together for a year, the second time was three years into our relationship. it feels so final now. he's been having a terrible time over the last few months because he had to drop out of college (he never managed to get past junior year) and start studying something he didn't like. his parents have been putting enormous pressure on him and he's been under a lot of stress, changing him from the person that he used to be. this change has put a strain on our relationship. i've done everything i could to be supportive and it's been so hard for me to see him so miserable (even though he has A LOT of trouble admitting that he's not happy, to me or to himself). i'm a successful student, finishing my master's degree and i'm dong okay in other areas of my life as well. sometimes i think that he must feel like a failure next to me, and it kills me because regardless of his botched uni career i never see him as a failure or treat him like one. he's just come back from a three-day trip with his friends and maybe he met someone, maybe he felt like he's missing out on a lot because of our relationship. i don't know how he could've stopped loving me so suddenly, and i don't know how to get over it and i don't know whether it's wrong to hope that we might get toghether and i don't know what to do. help me ...
TaraMaiden Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Read my No Contact signature/link. As many times as you need, in order to learn how to preserve your sanity. Post post, post here, as often as you need - though try to not multi-thread.... vent your feelings and express yourself. Cry. All you need to. But don't 'snowball' feelings if you can help it. Mourning is healthy. Accepting your feelings and emotions, is healthy. Remaining stuck, after a while - isn't.... Keep busy. Find new great things to do. to begin with, they'll be a filler, a replacement. Eventually, you'll need to be doing other things to fulfil your own contentment, and to make you whole again.... Love yourself. It sounds silly, but you need to ensure you don't look for flaws in yourself to justify his actions. He has his own mind, and makes his own decisions. They're on him. You don't need to take any responsibility for what he's decided to do. You only need to take responsibility for yourself. so protect your heart, it's fragile. Don't batter it more, with self-recrimination. hang in there. Stay on forum for as long as you need, and know, you're not going through this alone. 3
Author helena_is_sad Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 thank you! your sig made me laugh. i guess you're right, but it's hard to see it that way. i don't know how to not hope that he might change his mind - again - and decide he loves me. on the other hand what kills me is the thought that he might be totally over it and not even a little bit sad. how do i stop hoping we'll get back together and start accepting that we won't?
TaraMaiden Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Don't think about doing that for now. First of all, lament its passing in the first place. come to terms with that, instead of jumping ahead to 'what if'-s.
KatZee Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 (edited) he's broken up with me twice over the six years. both times he said that his feelings have changed, that he didn't love me any more and that he wanted to see other people, but then he'd change his mind within a couple of days and tell me he loved me, that he didn't know what came over him, what he'd do without me...the first time it happened we'd been together for a year, the second time was three years into our relationship. i don't know how he could've stopped loving me so suddenly I know this is painful, but you need to look at this. He didn't stop loving you so suddenly. He's been out of love and coasting along for six years. He's been falling out of love with you since year one. He may love you, may care for you, but this back and forth isn't a person IN LOVE. I say this because my ex pulled this same thing. We were together three years and within the course of three years he tried to break up with me twice, the third being the final one. He would say things about how he didn't know if we were supposed to be together, he didn't know what he was feeling, he wanted to be single to figure himself out... and then days later he'd be like "I don't want to throw away what we have, I love you so much." I honestly don't believe what he was feeling was love. I believe it was the comfort and the security of being with me, and it was the feeling of familiarity. It's really hard to leave something after you've been together for so many years. It's co-dependence. He was scared of being alone. He was feeling that the relationship wasn't right but he was too scared to pull the trigger. Also, sometimes people confuse the pain of missing someone, as being that they're really in love. The first few days/weeks of a split are hard, even sometimes for the dumper. They are confused as to what they're feeling, when in reality what they're feeling is the normal grief of splitting from what's familiar. So a lot of people go back. Unfortunately for you, his feelings did not change. He continued to have those nagging doubts and he broke up with you again, and then again. What you need to do is realize that this is the end. You cannot force someone to be with you, you cannot convince someone to be with you. You also don't want to be with someone who feels they can pull the rug out from under you every few years. It eats away at your confidence, and for me I always felt like I was walking on eggshells... thinking "is he going to do this again?" And yes, he did. NC. Focus on yourself. Really figure out who you are, what you want, what you need and what you expect from a partner. I'm sure once you start thinking and those rose glasses come off, you're going to start to see that Mr. Wonderful, really isn't all that amazing. How confident and secure did you really feel in this relationship? Did you worry about if/when he'd be dumping you again? Love isn't about fence sitting, or waffling between "I love you" and "OK no I don't anymore." That's not a mature and understanding love. Love doesn't just turn on and off. Do you really want someone who's mind changes about you on a regular basis? How can you feel there is 100% trust in a relationship where he loves you, then he doesn't, then he does, then he doesn't, then he does, and now he doesn't again... Do you see where I'm going with this? Edited March 12, 2013 by KatZee
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