roxy_silver16 Posted September 7, 2004 Posted September 7, 2004 [color=violet][/color] My story is very dramatic and soap opera like. I'll try to make it short and sweet as I would really apreciate some sort of outside advice. My boyfriend of 2 years and I split about a month ago. It all ended one chaotic night when I went out to the bars when we had compromised that I wouldn't go out anymore because I was "untrustworthy" in his eyes and I had to build trust back up after I had done some lying in the past. No cheating, just a few lies that were explained to him and apologized for. I thought it was ridiculous that I wasn't "allowed" to go to the bar so I went anyways, for an hour then I came home. Well he had my stuff packed by the front door (we live together with another couple) I asked him to get in my car with me and we drove around the complex talking and screaming at each other. He was calling me names and told me we were done, I can't even keep my compromises, I was every name in the book and the only way he would take me back is if I promised to not mention going to bars until he turned 21 a few months later. I snapped. I slapped him across the face. I hit him again, and again. He got out of the car and we both ended up back home on the front lawn. I was furious, I could not control my anger. He called my mother who lives over 2 hours away to tell her what I had done and that he was going to call the cops on me because I deserved to get in trouble for slapping him across the face 2 times. She tried to calm him down according to her (I was standing on the lawn a bit aways from him. He said no, he was going to call the cops. My mom tried to tell him to ask me to leave, to drive home, or for him to go away for a while and to not involve police. I got so mad at this point that I ran up to him to talk, I didn't swing or anything and he slammed me onto the ground and my jaw hit the concrete really hard. I started screaming at the top of my lungs and then I ran back into our apartment locked myself in our room and layed on my bed and cried and cried and cried. 15 minutes later there were police at my door. I was scared as I had never been in trouble before in my life, never dealt with police at all. They asked me what happened and I don't even remember what I said. All I can remember saying is I can't lie, I hit him across the face 2 times. Well turns out we both get arrested. He gets arrested I find out later for 2 outstanding warrants for not paying a speeding ticket, and late paying his fine for a disorderly conduct ticket he had recieved a few months before. He was also legally drunk and underage. So he gets bailed out by the roomates and my parents come and pick me up and bail me out. He got to the apartment first, and we were given an 18 day no contact order until our first hearing. So I had to take leave from my job for 2 weeks and go back and live with my parents. During the first 2 weeks, I had friends call him, and he had friends call me, telling me to have fun, take this time to get better (anger issues) and not to date other people, he still loves me, is mad as hell about what i did, and depending on how the court process goes we could get back together again. Then he calls my mom and tells her I'm psycho, he hates me, I ruined his life, mean things like that. So pretty much he said one thing, then another, completely being a hipocrit and sending me mixed messages. On August 18th, we went to Court, and under lawyers advice I pled not guilty. He said I had a good chance of getting this off my record so it wouldn't come back to haunt me later. I was charged with Disorderly conduct Domestic dispute which can hurt me in my future career goals. As of now, he is still in negotiations with the DA and the no contact is still in effect until November 9th if we end up having a trial which my lawyer says won't happen. I moved in with my sister when we started school back up and he still lives in our apartment. September rent was due and I didn't pay my share because of no contact. I am in counseling right now and am dealing with my issues and why i exploded that night. I know our relationship was and is messed up. But I love him with all my heart and for some strange reason when all this **** is done I want to be with him. I want to work everything out. I want to be the happy couple we were before this night. A friend talked to him on the phone and he was very drunk (my ex) and he said I was screwing him over by not paying rent and pleading not guilty because I'm not owning up to what I did. I'm psycho and he hates me, yada yada yada. I have had no contact with him whatsoever since Agust 18th Court day when I saw him for like 5 minutes. I have hung out with 3 different guys and gone out with my friends, started college back up again, but everyday I think about my ex. I wish I could talk to him, explain things and know what hes thinking. We both can only assume what each other is thinking about the Court mess and its a big he said she said game of telephone and I am scared that he is getting the wrong info about my plans and about what we are doing. My ultimate goal is not to get back together with him. I know we need more than a month apart to get our lives and self back together. There is a way for us to break the no contact if he goes to the court and asks it to be lifted. I have no way of getting the message to him that I want to break the no contact because I'm scared if I text message, call and leave a message, or e-mail him I will get in trouble. He says he doesn't trust me because he thinks I want to get him in trouble by telling the cops we are talking. And I don't know if he would do the same. I asked my mom if she would call and leave a message, or my sister explaining to him that I just want to talk, online or on the phone about this without fighting, then we can leave each other alone. I need closure to this ya know? Another part of me tells me to wait until the Court process is done and we can both legally talk. If we have this order, maybe it is in the best interest that we don't talk? Wait around until November or whenever it gets settled, then casually call or send him an e-mail telling him I want to talk about the past few months and see where it goes? I just know that I am going crazy. I love him, miss him, and wish that night never happened. What would you guys do in my shoes?
morrigan Posted September 7, 2004 Posted September 7, 2004 Stay with your sister. Go back to school or get a job closer to where you live. Don't violate the court's order. Don't go back to this loser. Sorry, I just don't see this relationship as idyllically happy before your violent altercation. Your boyfriend was punishing you for lying to him. You are considered sexually untrustworthy in his eyes. Obviously he feels he has a right to discipline you and control your activities. He sounds like a manipulator and an abuser. Maybe he's not beating you (yet) but he knows how to cripple your self esteem. He's got you thinking this all this is your fault, and you still love him in spite of it. You may have slapped him, but his reaction--slamming you to the ground-- was out of control. He also feels that you are to be punished for your actions that night, but has he said he should be punished for his violence? He gives you promises of love and forgiveness-- as long as you correct your behavior, he's willing to give you a second chance. He tells people that you are crazy, you ruined his life, you aren't paying the rent, you are trying to get him in trouble with the court. The violent fight and arrest was all your fault, not his. It's always you that has screwed sh*t up, not him. He doesn't take accountability for his behavior--his purpose is to punish you for your behavior and dictate how you are to live. You don't have to like what I've said, but this guy is a worthless sack of sh*t.
Bender donetat Posted September 8, 2004 Posted September 8, 2004 personally....... If a girl ever physically assaulted me i would NEVER take her back, second yall have issues, no reason to wade through it.....your young, learn from this and move on.....
Author roxy_silver16 Posted September 13, 2004 Author Posted September 13, 2004 [color=cyan][/color] Well thanks for the input and advice, and Your guys response actually helped. Since last week i have been to my counselor and I have done lots of thinking. Your right. The relationship was not happy. He is controlling in nature and its not ok. I dealt with it for two years and now my logic and thinking process and ideas about healthy relationships are completely off key. It will take me a long time to heal from this crap. Last week was a series of a couple bad days. I guess you'll have that and its important to just keep going forward. For some reason I feel alot better about my life. I am definietley staying with my sister in our new apartment. We have two roomies and I've met new friends through her and her friends, so I am happy living there. I'm still working and attending college as normal, I'm not letting my ex ruin my future too. I'm keeping really busy which helps, its just the comfort of not having a boyfriend which is hard for me to get used to. With my legal situation I am letting my lawyer handle it and doing whatever he says regardless if its in the best interest of my ex. I need to do what is best for me. I want to live my life for me and not him. I am keeping the no contact in effect and just letting the healing process take over naturally. It's been a month and I am 10 times better off than I was a month ago so think about where I will be in another. I just keep telling myself that I will get over it, he is a creep and not to worry about him. After November if I still feel I need closure, I was thinking of writing a letter of everything I feel and mailing it to him. No contact or asking to get back together. I don't think we are going to work in the long run....It's too screwed up. What's meant to be will happen. But thanks for the honest responses you guys and I am hoping to get over it and move on with my life!
aFighter Posted September 14, 2004 Posted September 14, 2004 sounds to me like ye both need to stay the hell away from eachother - period. One of ye is as guilty as the other. Don't even bother with any notes just walk away.
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