Nancy B Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 I made a mess of my last relationship. I wasn't ready for the commitment. Made repeated mistakes, let him down, emotionally cheated. Our relationship lasted on/off for two years. During this time I was falling apart. I've had experience in an abusive relationship and then became cold and selfish. It's like this new me was in conflict with the softer me. And I'd make mistakes and pay for them. Guilt weighed heavily. I tried therapy to get to bottom of my issues. I behaved very destructively and struggled with the consequences. I’ve never forgotten my behavior and feel karma will kick in someday. The last 7 months of our R were drama free but he felt differently and left me. I never blamed him. I still agonized for months, but despite it all we have been friends since. I accepted the R was past salvaging and he was a bit jerky for a couple of months after, but what emerged is a fine friendship. We can cherish the good times and still support each other. 8 months after the break up I met a new guy. We have been together for 6 months now. He really makes me happy and I am much more relaxed and calm. I have learned from my mistakes and there has been very little drama. I have always been honest with my ex about my new relationship. I don't discuss the new BF much with him. But today, my ex has dropped a bombshell on me. He has told me he is deeply depressed that I have moved on, that he thinks we were meant to be, but circumstances (me not being ready etc) rendered it impossible. I don’t think he wants me back. He just can’t get over the fact we failed, and I’m happy with someone else. This has caused me great distress. I cant handle the thought of my past actions still hurting someone I care about. I am sinking back into my previous depression and feel that I do not deserve this new relationship. I almost feel I should let it go, to appease my ex and stay alone until he feels better. Can anyone offer experience or advice.
Phanpooh Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Still selfish like 16months ago. You said you moved on but you didn't. You don't feel bad for your ex but yourself. That what i read and thought. If you want my advise, take it, just let your ex in peace. Stop trying to be friendly, in this case, you just helping your own guilt and deny his coping time. And stop lying yourself.
TaraMaiden Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 I don't think your ex- was as content with your transition from relationship' to 'friendship' as either of you believed you were. But I think you are very, very wrong to feel you should shoulder the burden of responsibility for the way he feels. he's a grown man, he should be able to make his own decisions and face the consequences. His mind-set isn't on you to deal with. But if you want to help him, go No Contact. The more he knows about you and stll connects with you, the more his own dissatisfaction grows. And that's his problem, not yours. But you can minimise the 'after-shocks' by cutting contact. This would also help you focus on your current relationship. And yes - seek counselling, if only to learn how to divest yourself of this self-imposed compunction you have, to take the blame yourself, for what goes on in someone else's head. You don't have to do that, and no matter how much you may protest to the contrary, you're wrong.
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