Blackened Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 My divorce was final today. We split up two years ago, but it was finally done today. Afterwords him and I were standing outside the courthouse talking for a bit. He told me what in his opinion was the final nail in the coffin... Now I'm going to go into the story... I have always wanted to go to a certain city in Europe that I have both ancestral and religious connections with. The trip would be a pilgrimage of sorts for me. In 2007, I was working full time and my husband and I were living comfortable, so I decided it was time to put this into motion. I took a second job part time and decided that this was how I was going to pay for the trip. I would put all of my paychecks from this job straight into the travel fund. That went fine for a while... My husband lost his driver's license because of repeated traffic offenses. He decided to drive anyway without a license... But then his car got repossessed because he wasn't making payments on it. Then he quit his job. He quit a job he had been at over a decade. He said I was making enough working two jobs that he didn't need to work anymore, and that he would be happier without having to work. He did this without any real warning... So... here I am paying for everything and he wouldn't look for anything. Then I lost my job... I got laid off. So then, all we had to live on was the money from my part time job, which wasn't much. Any money I put away to travel with was spent, and by this point the trip seemed impossible. Then, by some luck I guess, him and I both got well paying jobs. I insisted on separating my finances from his because he was awful with money and was really bad about spending. I am trying to keep this post as short as I can... so keep in mind this is the abbreviated version of the story... The money I made at this job (which is where I still work) is so good that I was able to save up for the trip in nine months. I invited my husband, but he didn't want to go. He had no interest in this city and didn't want to waist the money. But he insisted I go. So I went. Little did I know that he was back here telling everyone how selfish I was for going to Europe when he doesn't even own a car. Today he told me that was the most selfish thing anyone could do in a marriage, and that that was one of the main reasons he left me. Am I missing something? Maybe I just don't get it... I don't see why this was so selfish. I worked for it. I saved up for three years... lost all my savings and saved up again. Was it really that selfish? I was gone for nine days... the whole trip cost me $2500. Idk... what does everyone think of this?
CC12 Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 I guess it depends on the way you went about the whole vacation thing. If you were secretly saving up money, not being honest about it and kind of going behind his back to do it, then I can see how he might think it was selfish. But if you were open and honest about it, and even invited him along, I can't see what his problem is. And if he knew about it for three years and never communicated that he had a problem with it, then he's just as much to blame for "the final nail." Is this the first time you've heard anything about this? If so, I find it ****ty of him to bring it up at this point. It's kind of a "Oh, btw, this was all your fault and you should be sorry." He wanted to make you feel bad. And if he'd like to start playing the "Who was more selfish" game, then you have plenty to work with. He quit his job on a whim because he knew you could support him while working two jobs. He seems to have done his damnedest to obstruct you from going on a trip that was important to you. That seems very selfish to me. I'm not actually suggesting that you play this game with him, but it's nice to talk about. Congrats on being done with this deadweight guy. He did not seem like a great husband.
ver13 Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 I am always amazed at what people say when a relationship is over I mean it really doesn't matter what was the final thing that ended it. No matter what happened in your M it's way to late to take any of it back. So what do you have to gain by paying attention to the stuff that comes after the D. Who cares what the final straw was for him. All you need to focus on is where you are headed now trust me it gets better. Some people live their lives like they are driving a car in a hurry to get to work. They never see the things going on around them they just focus on the road and think about what trivial crap will transpire throughout the day. It's time to live your life like your going on vacation to some place that you have never seen before, because you are.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Today he told me that was the most selfish thing anyone could do in a marriage, and that that was one of the main reasons he left me. Your divorce is final and your discussing marital history with the man that left you? And trying to make rational sense of his irrational actions in quitting his job? While he encouraged you to go on a trip he badmouthed you for taking? Why would you waste even a moment of time on this :confused: ??? Mr. Lucky 1
Gunny376 Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 I think he's the one with the problem, and I think in the short, mid, and most especially the long term, your better off without this blood sucking parasite for a (And I use the term loosely) "husband" I think he's pissing on your leg and trying to convince you that actually raining. I think he's re-writing the martial history. In the end of it all? There are three "truths" to any breakup. Your version, his version and IMHO ~ God's version. The only one that counts for my money is ~ Gods. One last thing I would do before closing this chapter of you life and turning a new page. I would print off a Google map with directions from his house to the nearest beach, giving explicit street and turn by turns as to how to get there. At the bottom I would write ~ "And when you get there Slick! Go pound sand in your azz! :mad: Divorce changes people, more often than not for the better. I think the next guy that you get with? Is going to be a very lucky chap in deed for your experience. 1
Kelemvor Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 It's normal to blame yourself after your marriage fails. Some parties are more to blame than others, but both are responsible in some form or fashion and that's worth remembering at all times. It's worth remembering when all you want to do is blame the other person and it's worth remember when you're depressed and want to do nothing but blame yourself. You'll only make yourself miserable by analyzing the past. What's done is done and this chapter of your life has ended. Move on. Find happiness again. Grieve the process if you haven't already and move on with your life. Don't give someone power over your emotions by blaming a divorce on a single action aimed at you. "Nail in the Coffin" always implies "final straw" as if it's a stack of dominos which each fall being a fault on your part until you reach the last one and he simply "can't take it anymore". Please. Nobody is perfect in a marriage and both contribute towards divorce in their own way. That's my opinion, at least. Affair? Ooo, easy finger pointing, but why did they do it? What was missing? Inherently flawed or inherently terrible marriage and looking for intimacy elsewhere? Who know, and who cares once it's all over. If you were more at fault, then use it as a learning experience but don't look back in the past. 1
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