Anyone who overcame involuntary celibacy

[Treasa]

That is very difficult to accomplish which I'm sure you already know.

 

If one has poor confidence and self-esteem, it's literally impossible.

 

 

 

From what I've observed, being OK with oneself isn't a requirement. Sure it will make it easier to attract other people.

 

I know I have a long way to go till I can be happy with who I am and I don't want to be without companionship till I get there, and then there is the obvious fact that getting some female companionship would make me happier with my life.

 

If you haven't already, you should read the post I linked.

 

Pretty words, but they might as well be impossible.

 

Don't get me wrong, I've not given up. I'm actually planning on getting rejected today by a girl in one of my classes. But my choice of words says how I feel what my chances are. There's no doubt that it would also lower my self-esteem unless I can conjure up some pride from taking the risk. Eh, probably not.

 

You are partially right and partially wrong. Yes, it is VERY, VERY difficult. But it is NOT "literally impossible." I know because I've done it. I had horrible self-esteem and one point, wanted to kill myself, never left the house, and suffered from such bad anxiety and depression that I was almost put in a hospital against my will...for LONG TERM.

 

However, I changed my life.

 

It can be done. Just like I lost 120 pounds. Just like I went from being a couch potato to running a half-marathon. Just like I went from a college failure to graduating with honors.

 

Yeah, it takes HARD WORK. So you can either piss and moan your life away, which is easy but unfulfilling, or you can do something about it, which is hard as hell, but completely worth it.

[jma500]

Your story sounded great and helpful and familiar until this point when I realized we are nothing alike. So all you care about is sex, and were prevented from getting all the meaningless sex you wanted by your behaviors, until now when you've "succeeded." Some of us are also introverts with lacking social skills, like you, but we believe sex should mean something. The animal mentality you're having "success" with runs contrary to an evolved nature. I'd rather have no "success" than have cheap sex.

 

Agreed 100%.

[jma500]

Different strokes for different folks. There is still some things to learn from it - don't get distracted from the message.

 

Learn to be what? A user of women? Thanks but no thanks.

[ThaWholigan]

They help because they are understanding and empathetic.

 

It shows that the entire world isn't against me and some people do understand. That alone is worth a lot.

 

In the end it will be worth nothing except the thing that keeps you stagnant.

 

And nobody is against you - you are the one who is against yourself and you don't even see it. We are frustrated because we want to see you and others do well and you seem content on trying to prove why it will never work instead of building up the strength to persevere.

[jma500]

In the end it will be worth nothing except the thing that keeps you stagnant.

 

And nobody is against you - you are the one who is against yourself and you don't even see it. We are frustrated because we want to see you and others do well and you seem content on trying to prove why it will never work instead of building up the strength to persevere.

 

His posts do tend to lean that way. I have only been around since early february and have noticed this trend. Others do this as well.

[USMCHokie]

My point is that you need to be happy with yourself REGARDLESS of what others think/feel. I assure you that when you are genuinely, honestly there, you'll start attracting people like crazy.

 

Be truly happy with your life, enjoy it and who you are, and strive to be the best you that you can be.

 

I can't say that I agree with this...the attitude that people should just be happy with their life and who they are promotes laziness, stagnation, and inaction. If you feed that line to someone who doesn't really have it all that great, you are telling them that it's ok and they shouldn't improve themselves. It promotes the sentiment that this is good as it gets, so be content with it.

 

Yes, strive to be the best you can be, but sometimes that effort required makes life a little less enjoyable than a life doing nothing for yourself...

[ThaWholigan]

I can't say that I agree with this...the attitude that people should just be happy with their life and who they are promotes laziness, stagnation, and inaction. If you feed that line to someone who doesn't really have it all that great, you are telling them that it's ok and they shouldn't improve themselves. It promotes the sentiment that this is good as it gets, so be content with it.

 

Yes, strive to be the best you can be, but sometimes that effort required makes life a little less enjoyable than a life doing nothing for yourself...

I think one must still have a degree of contentedness with one's life, otherwise when striving for greatness you become an outcome dependent person and when the outcome isn't in your favor, the setback will hurt you more.

 

It's a thin line - a balance. Where you should be happy with the journey towards your goals as well as the goal itself. I guess you could call it enjoying life off of sheer enlightenment.

 

Saying that, I'm sure it is not the same for everyone else and the discipline is seen different. Even in Astrology it shows you that, so what do I know? . That's why I like to read charts - it explains so much about how that person views the world.

[USMCHokie]

I'll try to be brief...so like I said before, I was involuntarily celibate until the age of 25...I'm 29 now and a little more experienced, though not quite where I want to be. Luckily, i havent had to overcome any crazy obstacles...I'd only been creating my own obstacles... I realized that our enemy isn't our height, our face, our salary, or our race...it's our mind...we think and act in ways that make us feel undesirable, which in turn makes us undesirable, or at least prevents us from being desirable. I'll go over three of these behaviors that I have been guilty of my entire life, and they are all related behaviors which have hindered my ability to date to my potential.

 

1. Stop judging yourself.

 

We are taught not to judge others, yet we are so quick to judge ourselves. We create negative images of ourselves that we carry with us everywhere. We project this image in everything we say and do, whether we're conscious of it or not.

 

2. Stop thinking for other people.

 

We see this all the time. "She only likes tall guys." "She won't date me because I'm Asian." "She's going to be creeped out if I approach and talk to her." Etc. Why do we think for other people? Why do we assume they will always see us in a negative light? You don't know what she'll think of you unless you talk to her and she tells you. Stop passing off your negative judgments of yourself (point 1 above) as negative judgments of you from others.

 

3. Stop comparing yourself to other people.

 

This was always my crutch, and it wasn't until recently that I discovered this was one of my worst faults. I've always kept the company of high quality, good looking guys. Being in the Marines, my social circle is full of studs, so I had constantly compared myself to them, especially through those negative judgments I had of myself (point 1 again...). Being around them made me feel like I was unworthy and undesirable.

 

Was it their fault? Of course not. They didn't do a damn thing. It was my fault. Instead of saying that I am a great guy who is desirable, I was saying I wasn't as good as this other guy. I always made myself second place to someone else. I gave up before I could even try. She didn't talk to my friend because she liked him more. She talked to him because I didn't talk to her.

 

 

Notice that each of these behaviors originates in YOU. The girl didn't reject you because of what you looked like. You rejected yourself because of what you think you look like. She had no play in it at all. You can blame her and all other women all day long, but if you look carefully, she wasn't even involved. Everything happened from start to finish in your head. It is your fault.

 

I think this is more applicable to the normal person that can't seem to break out of his shell and realize his true potential of desirability. Get out of your own head. Stop thinking for others. And stop trying to compare yourself to others.

[Necris]

My point is that you need to be happy with yourself REGARDLESS of what others think/feel. I assure you that when you are genuinely, honestly there, you'll start attracting people like crazy.

 

Be truly happy with your life, enjoy it and who you are, and strive to be the best you that you can be.

 

I do agree with being happy with yourself, but come on now "...you'll start attracting people like crazy...":rolleyes:

 

Now if you are the type of guy who will constantly belittle himself, tell everyone about how terrible his dating life is and life in general then yeah, please stop that, and if you do stop you might find that women will find you more attractive as self-respect is important.

 

Otherwise if you're like myself and actually have self-respect then being content with yourself isn't going to make you suddenly super attractive to women everywhere. The important thing is to get to the point where you don't care, that way even if you die alone you have no regrets.

[jma500]

I'll try to be brief...so like I said before, I was involuntarily celibate until the age of 25...I'm 29 now and a little more experienced, though not quite where I want to be. Luckily, i havent had to overcome any crazy obstacles...I'd only been creating my own obstacles... I realized that our enemy isn't our height, our face, our salary, or our race...it's our mind...we think and act in ways that make us feel undesirable, which in turn makes us undesirable, or at least prevents us from being desirable. I'll go over three of these behaviors that I have been guilty of my entire life, and they are all related behaviors which have hindered my ability to date to my potential.

 

1. Stop judging yourself.

 

We are taught not to judge others, yet we are so quick to judge ourselves. We create negative images of ourselves that we carry with us everywhere. We project this image in everything we say and do, whether we're conscious of it or not.

 

2. Stop thinking for other people.

 

We see this all the time. "She only likes tall guys." "She won't date me because I'm Asian." "She's going to be creeped out if I approach and talk to her." Etc. Why do we think for other people? Why do we assume they will always see us in a negative light? You don't know what she'll think of you unless you talk to her and she tells you. Stop passing off your negative judgments of yourself (point 1 above) as negative judgments of you from others.

 

3. Stop comparing yourself to other people.

 

This was always my crutch, and it wasn't until recently that I discovered this was one of my worst faults. I've always kept the company of high quality, good looking guys. Being in the Marines, my social circle is full of studs, so I had constantly compared myself to them, especially through those negative judgments I had of myself (point 1 again...). Being around them made me feel like I was unworthy and undesirable.

 

Was it their fault? Of course not. They didn't do a damn thing. It was my fault. Instead of saying that I am a great guy who is desirable, I was saying I wasn't as good as this other guy. I always made myself second place to someone else. I gave up before I could even try. She didn't talk to my friend because she liked him more. She talked to him because I didn't talk to her.

 

 

Notice that each of these behaviors originates in YOU. The girl didn't reject you because of what you looked like. You rejected yourself because of what you think you look like. She had no play in it at all. You can blame her and all other women all day long, but if you look carefully, she wasn't even involved. Everything happened from start to finish in your head. It is your fault.

 

I think this is more applicable to the normal person that can't seem to break out of his shell and realize his true potential of desirability. Get out of your own head. Stop thinking for others. And stop trying to compare yourself to others.

 

I am guilty of all three. I don't blame women for my problems. Only myself. Enlightening post.

[outsidethebox]

I can't say that I agree with this...the attitude that people should just be happy with their life and who they are promotes laziness, stagnation, and inaction. If you feed that line to someone who doesn't really have it all that great, you are telling them that it's ok and they shouldn't improve themselves. It promotes the sentiment that this is good as it gets, so be content with it.

 

Yes, strive to be the best you can be, but sometimes that effort required makes life a little less enjoyable than a life doing nothing for yourself...

 

Be happy but not complacent.

 

Be focused but not obsessed.

 

Either Buddha said this or I saw it on a Burma-Shave sign.

[Mr_Flay]

My point is that you need to be happy with yourself REGARDLESS of what others think/feel. I assure you that when you are genuinely, honestly there, you'll start attracting people like crazy.

 

Be truly happy with your life, enjoy it and who you are, and strive to be the best you that you can be.

 

Ah, how I wish it were so. The thing is, at this point I feel better than in any other stage in my life, and I'm normally a pretty positive person overall. Now I've got a job I've always wanted, I'm independent and have enough money to afford everything I want. I exercise and play some music in my spare time. Sadly, no one seems to notice that, and girls still reject me all the time. So there must be something more to attracting girls than just being happy with oneself.

[outsidethebox]

if we could only bottle it.

[SJC2008]

The man is five feet tall. That's his main problem. Not his social skills, confidence level or any other term that you loveshackers want to use. I'm not going to sit here and tell him to be happy. Mind you the poster who told him that looks anything BUT happy in her avatar. OP you got hosed brother, you're short. Your only hope is to date women your height or shorter. Do a google search for dating sites for short people and people with disabilities as you have aspergers.

[lino]

The man is five feet tall..

 

I missed this.

 

I've never really understood the obsession with height of blokes on this message board and put it down to being something that people are more concerned with in the USA.

 

However being 5 ft tall will be a big obstacle to overcome I think.

 

Mind you the poster who told him that looks anything BUT happy in her avatar.

 

 

It's only March but... Call of the year!

[ThaWholigan]

The man is five feet tall. That's his main problem. Not his social skills, confidence level or any other term that you loveshackers want to use. I'm not going to sit here and tell him to be happy. Mind you the poster who told him that looks anything BUT happy in her avatar. OP you got hosed brother, you're short. Your only hope is to date women your height or shorter. Do a google search for dating sites for short people and people with disabilities as you have aspergers.

He still has to try and be confident otherwise he will be a five foot pussy as opposed to a five foot man.

 

And besides, Sun Devil has more balls than most guys because he actually goes and asks these girls out. To be honest he should be encourages for that.

[SJC2008]

He still has to try and be confident otherwise he will be a five foot pussy as opposed to a five foot man.

 

And besides, Sun Devil has more balls than most guys because he actually goes and asks these girls out. To be honest he should be encourages for that.

 

Trust me I give him mad props for approaching. I started being more proactive a couple of years ago with women and got a few numbers at work. They were "strangers" but I got to interact with them first to guage their interest so I wouldn't call them cold approaches. So given how nervous I was in those interactions I give him all the credit like I said.

 

Once again you throw around the c word like it's a silver bullet. Given that he's got the balls to cold approach women when most men (even ones who don't struggle with women) don't I'd say he's got the confidence part down. So what are you going to tell him now??

Edited March 13, 2013 by SJC2008
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[ThaWholigan]

Trust me I give him mad props for approaching. I started being more proactive a couple of years ago with women and got a few numbers at work. They were "strangers" but I got to interact with them first to guage their interest so I wouldn't call them cold approaches. So given how nervous I was in those interactions I give him all the credit like I said.

 

Once again you throw around the c word like it's a silver bullet. Given that he's got the balls to cold approach women when most men (even ones who don't struggle with women) don't I'd say he's got the confidence part down. So what are you going to tell him now??

A few things.

 

Perseverance. He will need it if he is to maintain his confidence.

 

Acceptance. That things won't always go his way and that it will be difficult.

 

He also has to somewhat detach from whatever "need" he has for a relationship otherwise his problems will be magnified. Simply, he has to not care. When I cared about being a virgin and not being attractive, it made my problems worse. I felt inferior, therefore I became inferior. He has to stop caring and accept then persevere.

 

Nobody is sugarcoating how difficult this is going to be - because it was for me too. That doesn't change the fact that if he wants to get anywhere, he has to do these things.

[SJC2008]

A few things.

 

Perseverance. He will need it if he is to maintain his confidence.

 

Acceptance. That things won't always go his way and that it will be difficult.

 

He also has to somewhat detach from whatever "need" he has for a relationship otherwise his problems will be magnified. Simply, he has to not care. When I cared about being a virgin and not being attractive, it made my problems worse. I felt inferior, therefore I became inferior. He has to stop caring and accept then persevere.

 

Nobody is sugarcoating how difficult this is going to be - because it was for me too. That doesn't change the fact that if he wants to get anywhere, he has to do these things.

 

You're starting to sound like some of the alphas on this forum. Detatch from the need? Those guys say you should want a woman and not need one. While I get what they're saying I don't agree with it 100%. Humans want and NEED a companion of the opposite sex. Given I've lived my 31 alone I think I've proved I don't "need" a woman but I want one and I do need one. I'm not ashamed of being human and wanting a companion of the opposite sex.

[ThaWholigan]

You're starting to sound like some of the alphas on this forum. Detatch from the need? Those guys say you should want a woman and not need one. While I get what they're saying I don't agree with it 100%. Humans want and NEED a companion of the opposite sex. Given I've lived my 31 alone I think I've proved I don't "need" a woman but I want one and I do need one. I'm not ashamed of being human and wanting a companion of the opposite sex.

If I sound like the "alphas" on this forum, that's not so bad .

 

Whatever it is, that need shouldn't be impacting on your ability to live happily and be able to talk to women. When you start saying things like "I need a GF to be happy, life's not worth living without being with someone etc etc", it's not exactly a good thing. I have sex every now and then but for all intents and purposes I am alone. But my subconscious desire for companionship (and it IS there, I can feel it) does not impact my ability to live life and be happy, to reach goals and add new things to my life. It does not impact me the way it seems to impact some of the others - including Sun Devil, who makes weird references to mass shootings due to involuntary celibacy and killing himself.

 

That is why you need to - if not detach but - MANAGE the need for a woman as such that it does not negatively impact you.

[SJC2008]

If I sound like the "alphas" on this forum, that's not so bad .

 

Whatever it is, that need shouldn't be impacting on your ability to live happily and be able to talk to women. When you start saying things like "I need a GF to be happy, life's not worth living without being with someone etc etc", it's not exactly a good thing. I have sex every now and then but for all intents and purposes I am alone. But my subconscious desire for companionship (and it IS there, I can feel it) does not impact my ability to live life and be happy, to reach goals and add new things to my life. It does not impact me the way it seems to impact some of the others - including Sun Devil, who makes weird references to mass shootings due to involuntary celibacy and killing himself.

 

That is why you need to - if not detach but - MANAGE the need for a woman as such that it does not negatively impact you.

 

I don't think we're on the same page. I said I've made it this long alone so I've pretty much proven I don't need a GF. It bothered me in my early 20's for a bit but not again until my late 20's. There are plenty of people who can't be alone and get into rebounds because they can't face their pain, I'm not one of them. The fact that I've been single my while life and am still a pretty happy person tells me I'm sytringer than a lot of people out there. I'm not pining my happiness on a woman but let me tell you this. Whether you want to beleive it or not there is a difference between needing a woman to be happy and not being happy because you don't have a woman. This is where I'm at now.

[ThaWholigan]

I don't think we're on the same page. I said I've made it this long alone so I've pretty much proven I don't need a GF. It bothered me in my early 20's for a bit but not again until my late 20's. There are plenty of people who can't be alone and get into rebounds because they can't face their pain, I'm not one of them. The fact that I've been single my while life and am still a pretty happy person tells me I'm sytringer than a lot of people out there. I'm not pining my happiness on a woman but let me tell you this. Whether you want to beleive it or not there is a difference between needing a woman to be happy and not being happy because you don't have a woman. This is where I'm at now.

I wasn't exactly addressing you with some of my statements - as far as I know, you don't identify yourself as "incel".

 

Either way, we are on different pages - my happiness is not tied to women at all. They make me happy, sure, I love women. But not having a woman is not going to make me unhappy. I'm not saying you feel you need a woman - but it would not hurt me if I never had a GF.

[AlexDP]

Anyone here used to struggle with women but no longer do?. If so, tell me what caused you to struggle and how did you overcome your difficulties

 

I overcame it. As did every man who was once a virgin. Basically I started talking to women more, got better at it, enjoyed myself and had sex.

 

Not exactly the secret you were looking for, I know, but that is what happened.

[Sun Devil]

SJC2008, I am in the exact situation as you. Thawholigan, if you met me face to face, you would not know that I am unhappy. I only reveal my struggles to very close friends. The average person on the street would see me as a happy person. I never met someone who was happy when they were single as long as I was.

[SJC2008]

There are so many people who can't be happy alone it's not funny but it's the single people who get told all the cliche stuff. When I found out the last woman was dating me for attention because she wasn't over her ex it made me want to puke. How weak can someone be where they need a fill in because they can't face their pain? Lol she even invited me over for Christmas when we'd only been dating 5 weeks. The look on her face when she asked me is what gave it away. The whole courtship was a fraud, none of it was about me or getting to know oneanother it was about medicating her pain. So if someone this weak can have a 7 year R why are we told to not let it bother us? If most people could be happy alone GIGS and rebounds wouldn't exist.