Just made an account here, and thought I'd share my woes. =/

[SingOutLoud]

Hi everybody. I'm fresh off the real world, new to this forum. I've read a couple of the threads before joining, and some of them gave pretty good advice. Nice to meet you all, by the way.

 

Anyway, onto the heart of the matter. My ex-boyfriend and I had ended our 10-month relationship last November. Mind you, I'm not exactly a teenager anymore, but this was my first serious relationship. You can bet it hit hard. So for the past 4 months, I've been, well, meandering in my self-pity. Not talking to a lot of people, distracting myself on the internet, and being immersed in video games. I haven't exercised for a while and haven't put too much thought into my diet. As a matter of fact, I've lost 12 pounds since then.

 

A bit of background info on me: I'm an introvert. Always have been ever since birth, and especially when I'm depressed. Whenever I'm at my happiest moods, I become more sociable and friendly. However, I tend to keep people at a distance instead of openly sharing with them my true self. I've been taking Prozac for about 7 years now. It worked at first, then stopped working 1 1/2 years later. Currently dwindling down on the dosage, but that's another matter altogether.

 

Now...I've been doing the "no contact" thing all this time. Figured it would be best for the both of us. I've used Adblock to filter out search results including his name, and blocked any social network he's currently involved in. However, today, for the first time in a while, I had this nagging urge to find out what he could possibly be up to. Is he doing okay? Is he happy? Does he have a new girlfriend? Are THEY happy?

 

Feeding into the devil's wishes, I activated my FB account again, unblocked his profile, and saw his pictures: one being his profile pic and another being a photo a mutual friend of ours had tagged. Sure, there was no new girlfriend in sight. But....in both of the pictures, one thing was prevalent: He was happy. In his profile picture, there were smiling eyes and a genuine smile that I remember from the early stages of our relationship. In the tagged photo, I again saw a genuine, sparkling smile. Only this time, he wasn't looking at the camera, but rather, down at his phone. You probably know what was running through my head at the time: Did he just receive a text from a new girl he fancies? My stomach has a strange feeling just thinking about it, but nevertheless, it is a possibility. Afterwards, I deactivated my FB account again, vowing NEVER to return for a very long time.

 

I have a tendency to brood on things alot, and I was wondering if anyone can offer some help as to cope with this. Working on my self-image and happiness is a huge part of it. How does one, who lacks any passion for life nowadays and has developed a cynical view of the world, get herself motivated to change the course of her daily activities? How does she get up and move, when she makes up excuses in her mind not to do so? How does one, who tends to mistrust people a lot, gather the courage to overcome her insecurities, go out into the world, reach out to people, and make some new friends? Most importantly...how can I deal more effectively with the lingering effects of the breakup still embedded deep within me and with this slightly insignificant new information?

 

If you've managed to read all the way up to here, then I thank you for taking some minutes out of your time. Any thoughts and/or advice will be appreciated.

Edited March 12, 2013 by SingOutLoud
Few grammatical errors, eeek.

[Bigcitydreamer]

Hey girl, welcome to LS. I'm new also. Been here for less than a month. I've been recently dumped also, from a 2.5 year relationship and was blindsided by it. I'm still struggling to cope, I have good days and bad days.

 

I know you must be struggling, it's so hard getting dumped. Makes u wonder what the hell is the point in being in a relationship. Surely u can't completely let yourself go in a relationship because this could happen again so what's the point in even being with someone of you have to remain guarded. I haven't quite figured out the answer to that yet, but I guess eventually you will look back on this relationship and not feel pain whatsoever, just happiness (or something along those lines) that you experienced a relationship with someone even if for a short period of time. I also suspect that when you truly find the one you can let yourself go completely and not have this jaded feeling towards love. Lol that's my ramble.. Now on to your questions.

 

I find the best way to get motivation to get out there and live again is to do a little something for yourself each day. Something that truly makes you happy and has nothing to do with your ex. For me it's kinda easy because I'm as girly as they come so one day I will go buy a new shirt. The next day I'll give myself a manicure or facial. U get the idea. For those who are less girly there are other things that you can do that you enjoy. Some may like to write poetry, or u said u like gaming so why not rent a new game that you have had your eye on?

 

For me I see my breakup as a challenge. Don't get me wrong I have never been so in love with anyone in my entire life so this breakup destroyed me for like a week. Then I took it upon myself to better myself as a person. If my ex can't handle me at my worst he doesn't deserve me at my best and dammit I'll be better and one day he will regret his decision and I'll be much happier than when I was when I was with him. So my suggestion is is to try and better yourself. Perhaps get a better job, save up for something big, get a pet even. I dwell on stuff really badly. I'm super analytical and critical of myself and do NOT have high self esteem but I am doing things to build my self esteem and I think that's the reason why I'm feeling somewhat ok.

 

Anyways I hope I helped somewhat because helping others also makes me feel better. I hope others can give you some advice that I haven't thought of. Good luck hun, u will get through this. The first long term relationship is always the hardest to get over and I can vouch for that! There will be a day when you will look back on him and be like *barf* haha

[SingOutLoud]

If only he knew how much a part of me wants him back badly, and grasps for the happiness of our past. How I wish that it were realistic for me to contact him without being seen as weak, and for him to maybe do the same.

 

Yet, I know deep down that it's just not possible. Things will most likely never go back to the way they were again. My immediate family and him were never on the friendliest terms, and they've never even met his parents. I'm too insecure and doubtful of myself and others. And he suffered as a result of it.

 

I still don't know when I'll be able to fully move past this, and look back on the memories and mistakes as a life lessons. All I know is that he's moved on in some aspects, and while I'm trying to do the same, I have this searing pain inside me knowing that he's free to be smitten by any lady of his choosing, and that his happiness grows the more he puts his feelings for me behind in the past.

 

Oh, well.

[The Tallest One]

Singoutloud, hi and welcome to LS! The last thing you mentioned was the idea of your ex being free to be smitten with whoever he wants now! You may not have any I retest in guys at the moment because of the pain your in, but there will come a day when some guy comes along who will think your the most amazing girl he has ever met and he will be crazy for you!

 

When we are hurting (as we both are) we can't phantom the idea of someone else, we just want our ex's back! But over time out feelings will change and we won't hurt like we do and we will be ready for someone else!

 

As for motivation, small daily goals are the key! I also like to google anything on heartbrake and dealing with breakups because there's some good advice out there!

 

All the best!

[Chi townD]

I have a tendency to brood on things alot, and I was wondering if anyone can offer some help as to cope with this. Working on my self-image and happiness is a huge part of it. How does one, who lacks any passion for life nowadays and has developed a cynical view of the world, get herself motivated to change the course of her daily activities? How does she get up and move, when she makes up excuses in her mind not to do so? How does one, who tends to mistrust people a lot, gather the courage to overcome her insecurities, go out into the world, reach out to people, and make some new friends? Most importantly...how can I deal more effectively with the lingering effects of the breakup still embedded deep within me and with this slightly insignificant new information?

 

 

I don't know why you would have a cynical view toward the world. The world did nothing to you. The world is what YOU make of it. The world has sooo much to offer, but YOU have to be the one to go get it, because it's not coming to you.

 

If you re-read the bold, I think that you can see the answer to that if you sit down and think. If not, then the answer is that you have to force yourself out of the norm. YOU have to break out of the box that you've put yourself into and put yourself out there. You need to make positive changes in your life. And some steps are VERY simple to begin with. Here's some idea's.

 

Very simple step, go get a new hairstyle. Not something off the wall drastic. But, something noticable and one that people are going to like. Then, buy new clothes. Somethiing conservative yet sexy. Just a complete make over. People that you know ARE going to notice. And you're going to hear, "DAMN GIRL! YOU LOOK HOT!" or "OH MY GOD, I LOVE YOUR HAIR!!" You would be lying to me if you say that you wouldn't get a shy little smile from hearing that. That's going to help your self esteem.

 

Then, get a membership to a gym. AND GO TO THAT GYM!!! Run your ass off on that treadmill and push some weight. Sign up for a aerobics class or a spin class or Zumba. By going to the gym, you're going to work of the stress and frustrations you've been having AND working on getting that rock hard sexy bod! Again, this is going to help your self esteem.

 

Three very simple steps to help you with making positive changes. And they're not too far outside your comfort zone. I would get started with those first before you move into the other ones.

[lamaga]

Hi there. I just want you to know that the only person who can get you out of this is yourself. I've been broken up with only 2,5 weeks ago, but after one week of lying around, playing the Sims (with my ex-boyfriend and me living in a house together, haha, yeah, right), eating chocolates and cuddling with my cat, I took the opportunity of leaving the bed and staying for a week at my friend's apartment in the city. I threw myself out there. I went to another party every evening. I went on dates. I met old friends that I hadn't seen in years. I rekindled old friendships. I even made out with a guy who was my boyfriend 8 years ago and who still thought I was super attractive. It gave me a HUGE confidence boost.

Then, after two weeks of No Contact, my ex emailed me out of the blue, right the moment that I even stopped expecting anything. It took me two days to even think about anything to write back, because I felt like there was nothing I wanted to share with him at this point - I had my life back, finally. I was being myself, I was being the old me that I missed so much.

Now I am going to Italy next week for a three week period.

 

My suggestion: Go on two or three dates (have you tried OKCupid? It's not bad), buy some new clothes and make up, color your hair, do something wild, take a bath every day for a week, watch movies with strong female leads, read some old british poetry, feel romantic by being alone, by being yourself. STOP PLAYING VIDEO GAMES. EAT HEALTHY. EXERCISE. GO OUTSIDE. And most: Spend time with friends. Best at this point for me was to spend time with OLD FRIENDS who haven't really shared too much of my late life with me. That way I didn't feel obliged to talk about my breakup or anything. Instead we reminisced about old times, and it reminded me that I had A LIFE BEFORE my ex-boyfriend, and it made me stronger thinking about my future and that I WILL HAVE A LIFE AFTER my ex-boyfriend.

 

This is just the beginning. I hope you will stay strong and share your progress on here.

[SingOutLoud]

So... four months since the OP, eh? Almost 8 months of no communication, too. Still miserable, SingOutLoud? Indeed you are. Dare I say it, you've become worse.

 

It's official. I can't put him or the past behind me, and there are still too many issues left unsolved regarding him and I. It angers me to think that he might be out there, getting off the hook so easily and "forgetting" about everything. This, this whole post-breakup business, just amplifies everything else I'm going through on my own.

Yeah, I've had major depression pretty much all of my life, and these lingering, self-effacing thoughts are nothing I don't know about already. And I don't trust people's generic advice; they all say the same thing. I don't want to seek help from self-righteous, arrogant people who think they know it all and THINK they know the right things to say; unfortunately, they're all over the place. I have issues with opening up to a new therapist, or people in general. Sometimes, death really does seem like a more pleasant option, irrational or not, all morals aside.

 

I don't want to care about what the hell is going to happen to me in life anymore, but I'm too weak to take control of myself, and too cowardly to die. Stuck in limbo.