sunshine6 Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Do you think some of these AP who have proven to be jerks, narcissists, etc. treat us more crudely than their wives? I wonder this about my xMM... I can't imagine why she would have married him if he acted so crassly and immature with her the way he has with me. 1
MissBee Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 My dad, a serial cheater, is quite the charmer and seems like Prince Charming to the OW who only know him for a short period of time but who don't live with him daily. People have different sides that they show to different people for different reasons and a man courting a woman is gonna perhaps be very different from when he has a dday, or isn't getting his way, or is cheating etc. 4
AnotherRound Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Do you think some of these AP who have proven to be jerks, narcissists, etc. treat us more crudely than their wives? I wonder this about my xMM... I can't imagine why she would have married him if he acted so crassly and immature with her the way he has with me. As the BW, my exH was definitely MUCH nicer to his OW than he was to me. Much more understanding of her and her quirks and such and she was definitely getting the better end of the deal in our situation. However, he and I had several years together and they only lasted a few months - so, they were still in what I would consider a honeymoon phase and they had never lived together. So, he was putting his best foot forward with her which he had stopped doing with me a long time prior to her coming along. She ended up not with him either - I think he made that decision, but can't really remember now which of them ended it, it's been a lot of years ago. But, I don't know if she would have married him had they continued. He is on his 4th or 5th marriage - so he has found other people besides me to marry anyway! As the OW, I think that I was treated better than the (now) exW. But I don't think it was a measure of the caliber of the woman - but more a measure of where he was in his life and in their relationship. In his mind, it was all but over except that pesky little marriage certificate - so, he wasn't investing at all with her. Whereas with me, we had a current relationship that he WAS investing in - so it was kind of like apples and oranges. There was a time I would have possibly considered co-habitating with exMM (possibly...) but that was a LONG time ago. And when I realized that he wasn't "good" for me in a lot of ways, I left. But I'm sure he was an ass to his exW for a long time - just as I'm sure she wasn't too fond of him either. I think he was better when he was with me simply bc I wasn't his wife, or the one with whom he had an "old tired out relationship" with (his words, not mine) - but that is all on him, not her or me, imo.
stevie_23 Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 As a WS, I was the much the same with my partner as my ex-MM. Nice, understanding, etc. I told my ex-MM a LOT of stuff about how I was feeling and thinking, much more than I told my partner, but that’s because (a) a lot of the stuff I was feeling and thinking I COULDN’T tell her because it was about my feelings towards her and towards him, and (b) we were still in that honeymoon phase where you just want to share everything, and a lot of what I told him I’d already told her 10 years earlier when WE were in our honeymoon phase. But yeah, I didn’t treat her differently during the A. And I was good to him. I WAS way more demanding of him though. I needed him to make me happy, I felt. So I would lean on him a lot. Indulge in my issues more with him and not trouble my partner with them. Stuff like that. That was the only real difference.
georgia girl Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 I can only compare my husband when we were dating (and in the honeymoon phase) to where he is now. Each time in our lives had its benefits and detractions. He was cute, sweet and spontaneous when we were dating. He made the effort to do funny, romantic things. But, there were times when I got the "him" he wanted me to see and not the real him who wasn't superhuman. As a spouse, he's sometimes thoughtless and careless and we both get bogged down in the real world of practices to run, clients to deal with, training schedules (we're both athletes) and forget each other sometimes. But, the real him that I know now - the guy who is a little bit afraid of losing his edge, the guy who worked for days on a silly gift for me for our anniversary but was clueless enough to let me figure it out and ruin the surprise - I wouldn't change him. I think APs get more of the first guy. The superman who turns on the charm. I think spouses maybe get more of the second guy - who gets frustrated because he has a deposition due and the yard needs mowed but still gets silly over an anniversary. Each side is the real him, in a way. Just like each side of us is the real us when we first start a relationship. Just sayin... 4
underwater2010 Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Do you think some of these AP who have proven to be jerks, narcissists, etc. treat us more crudely than their wives? I wonder this about my xMM... I can't imagine why she would have married him if he acted so crassly and immature with her the way he has with me. Lets see....you are attrached enough by it to have an affair with him. Might be something there.
Author sunshine6 Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 He didn't start acting like a sixteen year old boy until I got tired of all the bs and stopped giving in to his charm. 1
underwater2010 Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Then yep he acts that way at home. Still want him? 1
Elfie Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 I read that men have A's because it gives them the chance to re-invent themselves.... I'd suggest seeing someone thorugh the seasons - different moods, situations etc, before believing the charm and BS. I'd believe they'e just as bad at home, but we don't see it at first because we don't know them well enough, we believe what they say and we build up a fantasy; they charm us, and the wandering is blamed on the BS, (which we may not, but WANT to believe) when in many cases maybe the spouse has good reason to pull away within the marriage (they know them better than us). Not ALL cases, but some? A phrase I like and should take more notice of is: "Remember your first impression of someone - it's usually the right one". My first impression of the MM was that he was false, and a charmer, trying to be the good guy to all the neighbours, but I wondered why he tried so hard. Then my mum died... 1
cocorico Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 He was very different with his xW than how he was in other situations. He had to walk on eggshells around her and could not be himself. I think that was why his family and friends found it so hard to understand when he took her back. I agree that the A allows the WS to "reinvent" themselves, even if that "reinvention" is just a return to who they truly are.
Owl Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Or...they 'reinvent' themselves to get something that they want (a chance to 'be' with someone else for some portion of time)...or to justify what they've done. That 'reinvention' is rarely a positive, or wonderful thing. It's usually done with a much baser motive, and with little true thought to the impacts of those changes.
AnotherRound Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 I read that men have A's because it gives them the chance to re-invent themselves.... I'd suggest seeing someone thorugh the seasons - different moods, situations etc, before believing the charm and BS. I'd believe they'e just as bad at home, but we don't see it at first because we don't know them well enough, we believe what they say and we build up a fantasy; they charm us, and the wandering is blamed on the BS, (which we may not, but WANT to believe) when in many cases maybe the spouse has good reason to pull away within the marriage (they know them better than us). Not ALL cases, but some? A phrase I like and should take more notice of is: "Remember your first impression of someone - it's usually the right one". My first impression of the MM was that he was false, and a charmer, trying to be the good guy to all the neighbours, but I wondered why he tried so hard. Then my mum died... Agreed. And in short term As, I think that the "real" person isn't really discovered. I admit, I find it difficult to believe that in long term As (years and years) that the WS isn't truly known by the AP also. I don't believe that you have to live with someone to know them on that level - and I'm pretty sure that I saw every side of exMM over the 7 years we were together - and some of them I loved, and some of them - not so much... lol. Of course, that's true with any person - in that, I like some parts of them, maybe not all parts of them - but eh, nobody's perfect. 1
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