Signs of a cheater’s character that you should have paid attention to

[feelingused]

I do not want to get into a long explanation of my own situation, but basically I am ending my engagement because I keep catching my fiancé exchanging inappropriate emails with other women. I have not caught him actually cheating physically, although no doubt now that if I didn’t catch him at that stage, I think things might have progressed to a full blown cheat or affair. I caught him before we got engaged, but we decided to try to move past it and move on, but I told myself that if I find any behavior like it after we were engaged, it was over. And obviously I found it, because I am breaking it off.

 

My question is this for anyone that wants to answer – did you have any issues (such as this, or maybe other indicators) in your relationship before you got married that you probably should have paid closer attention to, but didn’t (or didn’t want to) and later dealt with a full blown affair?

Edited March 18, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
cleaned up code

[SmokeRat]

Oh fire god's almighty.

 

Yes, so much f'ing yes. But I ignored all the signs, because I have White Knight Syndrome and want to fix people.

 

From a person going through a divorce right now, you scored the mother load of saving yourself a world of hurt.

[underwater2010]

Nope. Otherwise he wouldn't have had a chance to cheat on me after 13 yrs of marriage.

[ecdubfan]

Wife always started her next relationship before completely ending the previous one. Wish it would have sunk in a bit for me.

[Spark1111]

yes!

 

he was sweet and shy and kind and loving.

 

Sometimes a temper came out of nowhere for no good reason. he had some hidden anxiety and low self-esteem in certain social situations.

 

he quietly craved attention but did not know how to get it, so stayed shy.

 

He also avoided conflict, fearing he would be loved less if he expressed a true emotion....so he sat on them and sometimes they would appear as anger out of nowhere....then apologize profusely and it would go underground again.

 

The need for attention, for recognition, for validation from the boss, co-workers, friends, family, strangers was so strong at times he appeared like a Labrador retriever wagging its tail.

 

he wanted to be admired because he had never been in childhood. his parents were harsh immigrants who believed in corporal punishment.

 

my admiration was NEVER enough for him after marriage. he had an affair with a lonely co-worker who effusively told him how wonderful he was.

 

he also never communicated any unhappiness to me fearing I wouldn't love him anymore, but he would pick on stupid, inconsequential things. passive-aggressive trait, you know?

 

Look always for the red flags of low self-esteem, conflict-avoidance and poor communication of needs....that is the triumvirate of characteristics of those who will have a propensity for cheating later on in the marriage.

[missjones4812]

Oh my God! You just put so much in perspective for me.

[BetrayedH]

My wife was promiscuous before we started dating. She even said she wasn't good girlfriend material. Looking back, I think she slept with other girls' boyfriends. I was pretty liberal from a sexual standpoint so I didn't mind that she had been promiscuous. I've never thought women should shirk their sexuality. When we became exclusive, she said I was the first man that she felt a real connection with. I think it was an ego stroke for me to think I had changed her.

 

We dated 5 years before I asked for her hand, were engaged another year and a half before marriage, and had been married for 10 before she cheated (as far as I know). Her affair made her feel like she did in those days before we were dating. I think she enjoyed the thrill. I was the boring, responsible husband at home.

 

In my case, nearly 20 years of being with someone wasn't enough to fundamentally change who she was. She eventually went back to it. I'm not sure if I ignored signs. Sadly, I think infidelity touches almost everyone at some point in their life. It's almost as if at some point we have to learn the lesson. I'm not sure I would trust a virginal nun; she's just as vulnerable. At this point, I don't judge as much based on mistakes of the past but moreso on the person's ability to be introspective, communicative, and self-aware. In a similar vein to Spark, extreme conflict-avoidance, an overdeveloped sense of entitlement, and an excessive need for external validation are red flags to me. Put them together and yep, that's a triumvirate of factors that shouldn't be ignored.

[effie]

yes!

 

he was sweet and shy and kind and loving.

 

Sometimes a temper came out of nowhere for no good reason. he had some hidden anxiety and low self-esteem in certain social situations.

 

he quietly craved attention but did not know how to get it, so stayed shy.

 

He also avoided conflict, fearing he would be loved less if he expressed a true emotion....so he sat on them and sometimes they would appear as anger out of nowhere....then apologize profusely and it would go underground again.

 

The need for attention, for recognition, for validation from the boss, co-workers, friends, family, strangers was so strong at times he appeared like a Labrador retriever wagging its tail.

 

he wanted to be admired because he had never been in childhood. his parents were harsh immigrants who believed in corporal punishment.

 

my admiration was NEVER enough for him after marriage. he had an affair with a lonely co-worker who effusively told him how wonderful he was.

 

he also never communicated any unhappiness to me fearing I wouldn't love him anymore, but he would pick on stupid, inconsequential things. passive-aggressive trait, you know?

 

Look always for the red flags of low self-esteem, conflict-avoidance and poor communication of needs....that is the triumvirate of characteristics of those who will have a propensity for cheating later on in the marriage.

This sounds exactly like my husband, except that he is very outgoing when he wants to be, and his immigrant parents did the opposite: too much praise. He was and still is treated like he can do no wrong. In my case it was 4 years before I realized how conflict avoidant he was. Just being stupid I guess because looking back I have no idea what I thought - that he was the most laid back person I'd ever met? Ha! Also took until our engagement to realize the thing with his parents, as that's when we started seeing quite a bit more of them. These are the characteristics that are contributing to making me question my husband, exclusive if his actions...

[Furious]

This sounds exactly like my husband, except that he is very outgoing when he wants to be, and his immigrant parents did the opposite: too much praise. He was and still is treated like he can do no wrong. In my case it was 4 years before I realized how conflict avoidant he was. Just being stupid I guess because looking back I have no idea what I thought - that he was the most laid back person I'd ever met? Ha! Also took until our engagement to realize the thing with his parents, as that's when we started seeing quite a bit more of them. These are the characteristics that are contributing to making me question my husband, exclusive if his actions...

 

Elfie

 

Maybe you should google narcissist traits. I think that's what your dealing with.

[AnotherRound]

I did notice signs I should have been wary of - but I honestly didn't think my exH would ever have an affair - it wasn't something I ever worried about with him. Boy, was my radar wrong about him!

 

I noticed an unusual attachment (and guilt complex thing) to his mother.

 

I noticed a really strong need to always "look good" to those around him, and severe embarrassment when he made a mistake and anyone knew about it - even very little mistakes that most people would have blown off.

 

He had no desire to be emotionally connected to anyone - other than his mother that I could see.

 

A very strong attachment to male friends and much hurt when they didn't include him - almost tears at times. As an aside, I also believe that my exH is bisexual or even homosexual and has never come to terms with it, or admitted it to himself out of fear of the retaliation of his family and community. (He has 4 siblings, 2 of which are lesbians, but they keep it a secret from the family).

 

There were definitely oddities that I let slip by - chalking it up to quirks and accepting them as I would want to be accepted. And the fact that his mother and sisters were all involved in EMAs - as if the family approved of them and accepted them as a normal part of life - an acceptable way to end another relationship kind of thing.

 

He wasn't a bad guy, my exH, but weird in a lot of ways. And really, just not the guy for me. I know that one wife since me had an affair on him and he was pretty devastated (I heard), and I'm hopeful that he isn't still using that as a way out of relationships, but fear he probably is. Also, I still think he is bi or homosexual - and if so, would be so much happier out of the closet than he has been in.

[worldgonewrong]

I'd throw onto this list: the nagging feeling in the back of your head that you're always 2nd best. That he/she settled for you. And he/she puts out those signals every so often to remind you that you don't live up to some imaginary standard in their head.

Even if you emphatically and humbly declare them your 1st choice, they never quite fully reciprocate that feeling.

[effie]

Elfie

 

Maybe you should google narcissist traits. I think that's what your dealing with.

 

Sounds horrifyingly accurate.

[ThatJustHappened]

The maxipads in the bathroom and the hideous 4 inch sparkly turquoise heels under the coffee table. He said they were his sister's..yeah..his sister lives 3000 miles away and rarely visits. Dumb@ss!!! Hahaha.

 

Of course I knew, I was just pretending I didn't.

[feelingused]

OMG!! Where do I start???

 

First, if you see that your SO is just fine telling little white lies to people, do NOT think that you are above that. He/She is telling them to you too. That's part of the game - make you think you're on the inside - different than the rest. You aren't.

 

Second, a HUGE need for privacy. Everything is private. Looking at anything is invading privacy. Even eyes glancing around is 'looking for something'. If you're married, what exactly is SOOOO private. I'm not talking about a private journal or something like that. I mean EVERYTHING.

 

So many. I'm sure I'll be back with more.

 

Yes, this is also a sign of my soon to be ex fiance's, and also feeling as if I was not quite what he wanted. I mean, of course, he told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him.....but each time I caught him emailing another women (I caught him 4 total times, this last one (4th) is the last straw -- god, finally!) he was telling that woman that he had many issues with me.

 

So, of course, actions spoke louder than words.

 

And this breakup, which I am gathering my $$ now for and preparing, will be bad, too, with crying and begging and all that. I know. But unless I want to be a bitter shell of a woman later, I've decided its time for me to go.

[SidLyon]

The maxipads in the bathroom and the hideous 4 inch sparkly turquoise heels under the coffee table. He said they were his sister's..yeah..his sister lives 3000 miles away and rarely visits. Dumb@ss!!! Hahaha.

 

Of course I knew, I was just pretending I didn't.

 

OMG - were they his?

Edited March 12, 2013 by SidLyon

[Decorative]

Knowing what I know now about families of origin and borderlines?

 

I should have recognized the issues in his family, and his reactions to them.

 

But I didn't.

 

Hindsight and knowing what I know now- some of his quirks? I would have definitely looked at differently. But he was/is a gorgeous, sweet, funny, wickedly smart high achiever. Who was born into a hot mess of a family that "looks" perfect on the outside, and is a factor in him having a hole in his bucket of need for admiration. He would do things that I thought were adorable and almost childlike, but I now recognize as a totally different thing.

 

And now that he's faced that? The difference in how he copes with life? Is far different. And much healthier.

[2sure]

Yes there were signs. Why oh why did I not pay enough attention to them?

I was nearly 40 when we married. Established , divorced, with a career based on knowing the details. I was not desperate or blind.

 

Text messages, random phone calls from women. I didn't ignore them but did ignore my instincts and accepted his lies.

 

We divorced. He was a serial cheater. I have no idea if I ever again will be capable of a healthy relationship...clearly I don't recognize an unhealthy one.

 

Trust your gut, because if you don't you will never trust yourself again.

[ThatJustHappened]

OMG - were they his?

 

BAHAHAHAHA!!! I WISH!! They were his main OW's.

[whichwayisup]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I do not want to get into a long explanation of my own situation, but basically I am ending my engagement because I keep catching my fiancé exchanging inappropriate emails with other women. I have not caught him actually cheating physically, although no doubt now that if I didn’t catch him at that stage, I think things might have progressed to a full blown cheat or affair. I caught him before we got engaged, but we decided to try to move past it and move on, but I told myself that if I find any behavior like it after we were engaged, it was over. And obviously I found it, because I am breaking it off. [/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

My question is this for anyone that wants to answer – did you have any issues (such as this, or maybe other indicators) in your relationship before you got married that you probably should have paid closer attention to, but didn’t (or didn’t want to) and later dealt with a full blown affair?

 

Good for you that you're ending it. Why start off a new life with someone who you can't trust and obviously doesn't understand commitment.

 

Sorry that you are going through this. His loss.

[Minnie09]

1) many foo issues: violent father who cheated, parents too young to give sufficient attention to a child, insufficient lap time with mommy etc.

 

2) low self esteem, afraid to argue, conflict avoider, extreme need for attention and validation

 

3) never ended a relationship properly before starting the next

 

4) addictive behavior (smoking/drinking/gambling), losing interest fast, starting many things with enthusiasm and intensity, but never following through (next, next, next)

 

5) need for instant gratification, binge eating, binge drinking, binge everything, spending money he didn't have, filling voids with addiction, expensive cars/houses/food/clothing

 

6) shallow, no depth, emotionally empty, controlling and hypocritical, double standards, jealous

 

7) many female friends, no male friends, hidden female friends, inappropriate friendships with women

 

8) extreme whirlwind courtship, head over heels "in love" with me, proposing too early, saying I love you after 1 week, while keeping a lot of secrets

[Just a Guy]

My wife was promiscuous before we started dating. She even said she wasn't good girlfriend material. Looking back, I think she slept with other girls' boyfriends. I was pretty liberal from a sexual standpoint so I didn't mind that she had been promiscuous. I've never thought women should shirk their sexuality. When we became exclusive, she said I was the first man that she felt a real connection with. I think it was an ego stroke for me to think I had changed her.

 

BH I am surprised that knowing that your wife was promiscuous you would have thought that she would change and remain faithful to you after you became exclusive with each other. Quite frankly once some body has tasted the forbidden fruit it is not likely that they will forget that taste. Marriages do become a little stale over time in spite of the best efforts of one or both partners. The pressures of raising children, working long hours, paying bills, handling bad health of family including one's own does leave even the best of people jaded. With that kind of a situation some one who has "enjoyed" a promiscuous life before marriage will start hankering for it pretty soon. After all what is so different from when you are single and dating and subsequently married if your boundaries are poor and always have been and you have an itch? For your wife a bit of fun on the side was par for the course as they say. I think her promiscuity prior to exclusivity and marriage was a BIG Red flag, at least it would be to me. However promiscuity is only one of the factors that can lead to infidelity. As so many have brought out here there are a multitude of factors that govern a person's proclivity to cheat.

 

I guess every one needs to carry out a lot of due diligence before they settle for some one. However in practical terms it probably becomes extremely difficult to do so because of one's immaturity, the power of a new infatuation, a need to find some one of one's own, the nesting drive and so on. So I guess we will continue to make mistakes, hurt our selves and then get up, lick our wounds and carry on regardless. The only kind of cheating that blows my mind is where a couple have been very much in love, have no obvious issues, have excellent communication between themselves, have great trust in each other, spend a lot of quality time with each other and then one or the other partner falls prey to the cheating virus and goes and destroys something beautiful. That is really very SAD!! Cheers.