adb22 Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Ok, so backstory: **sorry it's super long...if you don't feel like reading all of that, you would be fine by starting right below the orange smiley** I'm 21 years old (now), had never been in a relatioship before, and wanted to see what they were all about. I'm super shy, so I figured the online dating scene would be a good bet. In sept. of 2012 I got a message on pof from a guy, checked his out, and notcied that we had quite a few favorite shows in common. We then added each other on facebook, exchanged numbers, and began texting (mind you, we live 11/2 hours from each other). I remember right off the bat, he had began asking me rather personal questions that, at first, made me uncomfortable, but quickly made me feel at ease for getting some of the awkward things out in the air. In Oct. we had our first date (nervous, of course, but I enjoyed it and at the end, he asked if I'd be interested in going on a second date). Never asked me out again (he later said because he figured it would be my turn to ask, so he was waiting on me). Eventually I ask and we went on a 2nd date, which went well. From then on we had a few more dates, including one on my birthday where he asked "so what do you think about relationships," to which I said, "I like to just let htings happen" and left it at that. We go on another date and I realize that I really like him and want to take it to the next level; however, I notice he's always on the online dating site, which prompted us to have a talk, and led to us getting into a relationship. We agreed to hide our profiles. We go on a few more dates and get closer, physically (mind you, again, I'm a virgin, this is my 1st relationship, his last relationship was 4 years ago and the last time he had sex was 2 1/2 years ago), so we took things super slow; slower than I would have liked. I quickly noticed that we lacked some communication and emotion, at least on his part (I truly tried)-*red glag 1*. There had been 2 times where we were trying to hook our two friends up on a double date, both times my friend canceled and instead of him, his friend, and me hanging as friends, he chose to just hang with just his friend-*red flag 2* In addition, I tried to have a talk with him about everything. Being the self proclaimed cynic that he is, I shouldn't have expected anything less. He said, "the distance adds a layer of complication," "most relationships don't last," "nothing in dating is certain," but that he was still "willing to try"---all of which are true, but dang, how negative?- *red flag 3* He also said that more emotion in our relationship would come once we let our personalities shine more (both reserved). We then had a valentine's day date...things got a little more physical, I all of but tried to jump him (I was ready), but he then said "wouldn't having sex on v-day be kind of cliche?" so we didn't. He told me that night that for a while, he had "held resentment towards women," due to his 2 of his past girlfriends cheating on him- *red flag 4*.The next day, he told me he had had a good night and I asked him what was up witht the rejected sex...he said, "My nerves were everywhere. Since I haven't had sex in a long time, I was afraid I'd be bad, plus you being a virgin made me more nervous." Okay then...the next few weeks, I had notcied that he was becoming more distant, plus we had had an awkward moment over the weekend (after my friend canceled the date the second time). That monday, (march 4th, a week ago), I went on pof to look at the forums, as I told him I did (keep in mind that my profile is hidden so no one can contact me and I list that I'm onlyy there for the forums). Low and behold, I see that he is online, which means that he unhid his profile. I was taken aback for a second, then texted him, "uh do we need to talk about things?" he said "I would think probably so, yes." He then called me and I confronted him. me: "I saw that you unhid your pof profile." him: "why is it okay that your on here, but the one time I come on here, besides once, last month..." me:"you want to know the difference? I told you upfront that I only come here for the forums and my profile is HIDDEN! Obviously you don't want to be in a relastionship anymore, if you ungid your's" him: "well, think about it. The amount of dates we had spanned over four months, is the same amount that people who live close to each other have in 1 month. I don't think it's fair for (his friend) that we have to keep using his appartment and I can't always pay for a hotel ((I live at home (full time student); and so does he (he's 26, full time job)). Me:"I told you several times that I have family that lives near you, who I could stay with, in order to come visit you, instead of you driving here, but you never sounded enthused about that idea." him:" Look, I like you, but I'm not sure I want to be in a relationship. Think about it, 5 months or even 1 year from now..it wouldn't be fair to you, if I'm uncertain." me:"is it that we aren't compatible?" him:"No, I don't necessarily think it's that we're incompatible, we just haven't spent enough time togther to see if we are. So, yeah, I don't know if this will work" me: "it's already done (I say this as I change my fb status to single" him: "I hope you don't hate me..." me: *chuckle* "yeah..." *sarcasm* *and we say our goodbyes. Next day, I get a text from him saying this, exactly: "I really am sorry ____. I got freaked out by everything. I will probably never know if this was the right decision or not. I probably should have tried having you come to ____. I understand your anger, _____, but I really am sorry. I didn't want to waste your time with my cynicism and uncertainty. You deserved better than that." I ignored it and addressed it the next day, asking him what exactly freaked him out. He said, "Mostly just letting you down in the long run, like I said yesterday. I thought I was over my commitment fear, but I figured out that I guess I'm not." I responded with: "I'm glad that you realized that, and I'm not saying what I'm about to say to be mean or nasty, but ___, I truly don't think you'll be happy in any future r-ship you get into until you take care of the baggage and emotional issues you have developed as a result of being scorned by past girlfriends. You might say 'what does she know about r-ships,' but nonetheless, I hope you can figure it out. good luck" he said: "you aren't wrong. But if changing was so easy, then people wouldn't go to therapists" I said: "Oh, I never said it would be easy. You've told me that nothing in life is easy. It's about recognizing, accepting, and your willingness to change. To which I add, I really do hope that you can mend everything and that you have success" Him: "I wish you luck as well, ____." End of contact.
Author adb22 Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 CONTINUED: I had a few friends on facebook making comments that "I'm better off w/o him, etc." and he promptly unfriended me...friends say that he probably did that because he was emabarassed that people saw him as the coward that his is and didn't want to be seen as the bad guy...could that be so? Okay, so all of last week I've felt down... I've come to realize that I'm super angry at him, as well as at myself. Him, because I feel like his excuses were bold faced lies (commitment fear, distance, etc.), when in reality, he just didn't like me that way. I'm angry at myself for seeing the signs early on, but ignoring them, because I wanted to make my 1st relationship ever last. I'm angry at him for giving a BS excuse for rejecting my efforts for sex. which I amount to either: A) him thinking I'll become clingy B) not being sexually attracted to me (though I've been told by many, as well as him that I'm pretty, not to sound conceited) C) him being grossed out by something about me or that I did D)a combination of A,B,C or E) other____. I'm mad at myself for even caring that a jerk rejected me, though it was probably for the better. Overall, I feel duped! Though this r-ship officially lasted about 1 1/2 months (5 months of talking/dating)...I feel very sad. Some may say, "oh, he was being honest," but I say, his "honesty" came several months too late. He knew he wasn't feeling me from the get go, but since he hadn't been in a r-ship for so long, I feel like he used me to fill a void. I'm dumb for even falling for it. Sad part is, I don't want to date him for sure, but I still want him in my life...I want to be friends..or have him for the physical part.. (I know, bad idea!) *I'm the type of person who can't truly get over things unless, the person knows "everything" that I'm feeling in regards to the situation. I wanted to write out sort of a letter to him, telling him exactly how I felt about everything and that I didn't "hate" him persay, and that maybe we could even be friends in the wayyy distant future. I know he goes on pof constantly, but I also know taht because he was so "uncertain" about the breakup as he stated, he is probably feeling some shades of regret and is finding that the grass isn't necessarily greener... Question: is this a terrible idea...I see it as making amends in a way and leaving it open for a possible friendship...absolutely NO emotional relationship...just friends...as I did enjoy our conversations. Sorry that this is super long...I've just been holding this in for a week and needed to get it all out!
Author adb22 Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 I know this is long, but will someone please share if they have a similar story or their opinion...I feel lost...
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