thekitty Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 I just got out of a relationship with a MM. When we first started seeing each other, he was very emphatic about our relationship being exclusive. His idea, not mine. Then I found out he was seeing someone else. I wasn't that surprised, but it still hurt a LOT. I suppose I deserved it, but what about his wife? If I hurt this much, how would she feel? I'm angry with him, not her, and I genuinely have no desire to hurt her. In fact, I'm terrified of confronting her, and it would be much easier for me to just walk away and pretend this never happened. I would rather not waste 15 more seconds of my life on this stupid mistake. But part of me feels like she deserves to know, and if I don't tell her, he's just going to keep hurting more other women and adding to the hurt his wife is going to feel when she does find out. Should I tell her? If so, I wouldn't have any idea how to do it. I wouldn't even know how to contact her, let alone what to say. What should I do? 1
whichwayisup Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 So, you were OK having an A with him when you knew he was married and thought you were the only one he was having an A with, but now you found out he is seeing another OW asides from you, and NOW you want to tell his wife? No thoughts of telling his wife while you thought you were the only OW? Is your A with him over now or are you still seeing him? I just find it wrong to now decide to tell his wife because you feel he betrayed you. 1
whichwayisup Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Another thing, if you do decide to tell her, you need to apologize and own your part in the A, answer all that she needs to know and face the consquences. Don't just put all the blame on him. 1
georgia girl Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Walk away, walk away, walk away. Quit focusing on him, her and the other her. Focus on you and make your best life. Cut everyone and everything associated with him out of your life (including him) and be happy. Living well is the best revenge. 2
LadyGrey Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Fow here.............I think EVERY woman ought to have the truth of her life. If you decide to, can you get her email? Send her some proof and don't tell him what you are going to do. He might impede you. 1
Author thekitty Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 No, I'm not seeing him anymore. When we started seeing each other, he gave me a bunch of BS about how his wife had been cold and distant and uninterested in him, despite his best efforts to work things out with her. I was stupid for believing this, and it doesn't make what I did right. I was selfish and I didn't stop to consider how she would feel until it happened to me. But now I realize I made a mistake, I'm admitting it, I feel terrible about it, and I want to do the right thing from here. 1
LadyGrey Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Then I think you should tell. You sound remorseful. That's actually the best place and reason to tell, imo. Others will be along to give their opinions. No, I'm not seeing him anymore. When we started seeing each other, he gave me a bunch of BS about how his wife had been cold and distant and uninterested in him, despite his best efforts to work things out with her. I was stupid for believing this, and it doesn't make what I did right. I was selfish and I didn't stop to consider how she would feel until it happened to me. But now I realize I made a mistake, I'm admitting it, I feel terrible about it, and I want to do the right thing from here. 7
whichwayisup Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 How long has your A been over? And how did you find out about the other OW? Are you in total no contact with him?
BetrayedH Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 I just got out of a relationship with a MM. When we first started seeing each other, he was very emphatic about our relationship being exclusive. His idea, not mine. Then I found out he was seeing someone else. I wasn't that surprised, but it still hurt a LOT. I suppose I deserved it, but what about his wife? If I hurt this much, how would she feel? I'm angry with him, not her, and I genuinely have no desire to hurt her. In fact, I'm terrified of confronting her, and it would be much easier for me to just walk away and pretend this never happened. I would rather not waste 15 more seconds of my life on this stupid mistake. But part of me feels like she deserves to know, and if I don't tell her, he's just going to keep hurting more other women and adding to the hurt his wife is going to feel when she does find out. Should I tell her? If so, I wouldn't have any idea how to do it. I wouldn't even know how to contact her, let alone what to say. What should I do? His betrayed wife has a right to make an informed decision about how to move forward wth her life. Of course, it would be optimal if her husband cared enough to do this for her but, of course, he won't. You are left with an ethical question for yourself. Do you do the right thing by her or walk away, protecting yourself and her wayward husband? The ethical choice is an obvious one. It's just difficult. 1
LadyGrey Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Write her an anonymous letter. No...........if you had the ladyballs to do it, have enough to own it. 4
Eggplant Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 No...........if you had the ladyballs to do it, have enough to own it. Own the mistake. But if you don't have the ovaries to do it, then write a letter. Maybe by phone. I wouldn't do it in person, initially, because even very level-headed people might react with violence, or at least be prepared to take a hit.
LadyGrey Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Own the mistake. But if you don't have the ovaries to do it, then write a letter. Maybe by phone. I wouldn't do it in person, initially, because even very level-headed people might react with violence, or at least be prepared to take a hit. That's not what you said the first time. Of course it probably wouldn't be best to do it in person. Letter, email, phone, include proof so he can't lie out of it and be as kind as possible.
Eggplant Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 That's not what you said the first time. Yes I know. You convinced me. 1
wisernow Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 No...........if you had the ladyballs to do it, have enough to own it. Ladyballs, indeed. Thanks for the laugh, I just had a visual. 2
Author thekitty Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 His betrayed wife has a right to make an informed decision about how to move forward wth her life. Of course, it would be optimal if her husband cared enough to do this for her but, of course, he won't. You are left with an ethical question for yourself. Do you do the right thing by her or walk away, protecting yourself and her wayward husband? The ethical choice is an obvious one. It's just difficult. Thank you for saying what I needed to hear. You're right...which just leaves the question of how to do it. I don't want to hide behind an anonymous letter, although a non-anonymous letter might be an option. I have the ladyballs (lol!) to take a hit if necessary, but I feel like doing it in person might just put her on the spot and be more painful and awkward for both of us. I don't have an e-mail address or phone number, so maybe I should try to track one down?
BetrayedH Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Thank you for saying what I needed to hear. You're right...which just leaves the question of how to do it. I don't want to hide behind an anonymous letter, although a non-anonymous letter might be an option. I have the ladyballs (lol!) to take a hit if necessary, but I feel like doing it in person might just put her on the spot and be more painful and awkward for both of us. I don't have an e-mail address or phone number, so maybe I should try to track one down? I think face-to-face is a tall order on the first contact. And anonymous is too far the other direction. You're correct that a phone call or email is usually best and i think it's ok for you to take your time in finding a way to contact her and determine what you really want to say. The important part is that she gets an opportunity to know the truth (preferably in a kind way), not that it happens today. And hey, kudos to you for your "ladyballs" (although the visual is a bit disturbing for me). This is a pretty hard thing to own, especially when the consequences for you are unknown. I think this goes a long way toward your healing. I was horribly betrayed by my exwife. But yet, I still don't think an affair has to define a person. We all make mistakes (some consciously and terrible) but I think we're much more defined by our ability to admit our mistakes, apologize for them, and perhaps even take steps to correct them. At any point, you can decide to live an honest and authentic life. And when you keep doing that, that is what defines you, not your screw-ups. Ultimately, your honesty about this will help your ongoing self-esteem and it will help the betrayed wife (the two people that were likely lied to and hurt by his desire to be a cake-eater). I could keep rambling as I have suggestions on your approach but one thing at a time. Great decision on your part. 2
Decorative Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Ladyballs, indeed. Thanks for the laugh, I just had a visual. I love that. It sounds better than what I have been saying, which is "ovary up". LOL 1
canuckprincess Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 If you do decide to tell I would suggest not to do it in person. I have been the bs and 10 years later and divorced I still would like to know the whole truth. I know the only way I may ever get the entire truth is if I contacted the former ow, my exhusband still denies the affair. Sounds like your ex mm is a serial cheater and with his bs being at risk of STD'S then forsure she should be told, just keep in mind your exmm could come after you so please be careful. I wish I was as brave as you. 2
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